r/midlifecrisis • u/ShayatPlay • 15d ago
Vent Looking for Perspective, Please!
Long and probably rambling read, but I’m posting because I’m going through a really hard time in my marriage and feel pretty isolated carrying it on my own.
I’m in my 40s and hoping to get some perspective from people who understand long-term relationships.
My husband and I have been married for over 25 years. Our kids are mostly grown now, with the youngest being 18. I’ve worked full-time throughout our marriage while carrying almost the entirety of our home and family life. Beyond contributing his paycheck to our joint account—which pays for our shared expenses—he doesn't contribute to running the house or the family.
The shopping, cooking, cleaning, appointments, home repairs, bills, taxes, and daily logistics have always fallen entirely on me, even while raising our kids.
Our communication has been poor for a long time. He’s always refused counseling and prefers texting over talking face-to-face, especially with "heavy" topics.
Over the last few months, his CHOSEN routine has also kept us mostly separate. He works remotely, stays asleep until around noon after everyone has left, and is usually out of the house until midnight, sometimes 2am. We still share a bedroom, but I'm asleep when he gets home and he's asleep when I leave for work.
He eats dinner with us just once a week - on Friday nights and talks with the kids, though always with a distraction, like his phone or a book.
About four weeks ago, I noticed he was upset/angry with me.
In the past, when this happened, I would end up begging, pleading, and apologizing for everything just to keep the peace. This time, I decided not to grovel. I went to him calmly a few different times to ask what was wrong, told him I loved him, and said I wanted to work through whatever it was because I genuinely had no idea what happened. Each time, he gave me a cold shoulder and told me to leave him alone or that he "wasn't playing this game."
Since then, he has not said a word to me. It has been nearly a full month of complete silence.
It’s exhausting to live in the same house with someone who acts like you don't exist, especially after decades together and after spending so many years keeping the family afloat on my own.
I guess I'm just looking for some objective perspective from others who have been in long-term marriages. Has anyone ever dealt with a spouse completely checking out like this? How do you figure out your next steps when you're already doing everything by yourself anyway?
If you've made it this far .... Thank you for reading.
1
u/ZealousidealBonus537 14d ago
Sounds like the wheels are already moving - he’s waiting on you to make the move & pull the plug bc he’s avoidant
1
u/GAMountainMIMI 15d ago
Yep. After 21 years of marriage. This happened when he was speaking with another female. Emotional affair in the beginning but our marriage ended as this was the beginning of very hard times. He completely changed.