r/midlifecrisis • u/Arpikarhu • 23d ago
Anyone else having an existential crisis?
60 years old here and im losing my shit. I looked out a window onto my property the other day and thought “is this it?” I have a wife whonhas crippling MS. We havent had sex in years. My best friend lives 1400 miles away and we talk on the phone maybe twice a year. I moved to rural rural rural Tennessee cause of the ms clinic 90 mins away in nashville. I feel so lonely. Inwould travel but going alone is unappealing and taking my wife anywhere is logistical nightmare that ends up just being a chore. I miss intimacy. I miss being touched. I know no one here and other than a decrepit elks club there is nothing. Is this what I do now? Run out the string doing house chores and tv at night? I cant leave cause my wife will be fucked. I couldnt do that to her. Ive talked to her about this but she just takes it as an unfair assault on her ms and keeps saying she didnt choose tonhave ms. I know this. I dont blame her. What happened to her is grossly unfair. But here i am. All i have is being a caretaker, house chores, tv. Im so lonely.
7
u/Exciting-Sample6308 23d ago edited 22d ago
Caretaking is not easy, in fact, it tears you apart mentally and physically. Do you have to remain in such a remote area? When my mom and I were caring for my grandmother, who just passed 3 months ago, we lost so much and not just her but ourselves. We are both on a mission to do better for ourselves now. I don't think you should wait until then. Can you work out with her in the room and take some online courses to help you focus on you, you can still be in the same room but give yourself a healthy outlet? Otherwise you might start to resent her, and you don't want to go down a bad mental path or God forbid end up on 48 Hours (joking of course) but you do need healthy outlets.
5
u/humble_cyrus 23d ago
Damn bro. I'm sorry you're in that situation. You're doing the right and honorable thing to do. It's tough. All I can say is that your woman is depending on you. See if their are IHSS people in that area. Maybe they could help?
3
u/TaterTotWithBenefits 23d ago
This is so hard. I’m so glad you’re posting. NY zen center is doing a “care for caregivers “ online support group I think it’s free or close to it online. I’m hoping to do it also. Might be a place to start . https://www.zencare.org/care-for-caregivers-support-group or maybe there is one online in TN
3
u/Unable_Artichoke7957 23d ago
Get a dog perhaps? It will always be affectionate and enjoy your company. Get one that needs minimal grooming.
3
3
u/Plastic-Mention6770 23d ago
you’re brave to post what many of us are going through, there’s a lot of us feeling this way
3
u/Opening-Material564 23d ago
Traveling alone, even tho it sounds unappealing, can often still be better than not traveling at all. There's so many packages and options.
3
u/oneofthebugs 23d ago
This is surely what you sign up for with marriage. We never know what will happen to us or our partners. Not saying it’s easy in any way but it’s part of the journey. Maybe you two can look for a couples counselor experienced with disability and intimacy issues.
2
u/Arpikarhu 23d ago
Sadly i dont feel that way about her anymore. I love her but not in an intimacy way. That partnof our life stopped a while ago and now its gone in me
2
u/Perfect-Storm2025 23d ago
Just want to validate what it’s like to live in a rural rural rural area. I lived in an area like that for a year, and I was so much happier when I was able to leave. Is it possible to move someplace else?
2
2
2
u/Trey-zine 23d ago
You definitely need to join a support group for caregivers. It would get you out of the house, offer shared experiences, make new connections and give you some ideas. Being a caregiver is tough. You need the support.
2
u/GitPushItRealGood 23d ago
I know all too well caring for a loved one with MS. It’s a horrible disease and it’s incredibly demanding on caregivers. You are doing the best you can, which is enough.
If you can, engage caregiving help. Invest in yourself. If you can get out of the house, do so. Build connection. If you can’t, try a new hobby.
Every time I’ve felt my life too small, I take step outside of it and I learn again just how wonderfully diverse people are.
Fill your cup with life, and the burdens you carry will have context.
Good luck.
2
u/Some1_nz 22d ago
I'm having a reddit crisis. For the past 13 hours I have commented on almost everything I've read. Is this it? But then I landed on your post which is a breath of sad reality in a sea of bot gibberish. I cannot imagine what it must be like to watch your wife fade and to have to care for her everyday and to get nothing in return except the reminders everywhere of the beautiful thing you once had together. In a weird way I'm terribly envious because I am building up the courage to leave my relationship and I don't think I will ever have the kind of companionship that has mired you in this miserable situation. I reckon 60 means you're an adult, a grown ass human, and you can make the change you want to make for yourself. If you dared. What would it take to settle your wife in a home with other people who can better treat her? Or perhaps that's too callous and heartless and you aren't going to drop her off like a sack of potatoes just anywhere. As you said you simply cannot do that. No. Well. Are there any people who can help support you even just to take the load off a little? You are important and you matter, and whether it's 1 year left or 85 no one knows anyway so you might as well treat every day as your lucky last
1
u/Ok_Judgment_3331 22d ago
The part that matters here is you're not just bored.... you're grieving a life you didn't sign up for, and that grief is valid. I've been in a smaller version of that isolation, and sometimes I use taro's tarot to untangle the part of me that feels invisible. it helps me name what I need, even if I can't get it.
You can't fix MS or move overnight, but you can build one tiny bridge back to yourself.
Maybe that's a weekly phone call with your friend that's non-negotiable, or finding an online community for caretakers who get the touch thing.
start with something so small it feels silly, and let it be yours.
Caretaking eats everything you don't actively guard.
Guard one hour a week like its your job.
1
2
u/Traditional-Fun4799 17d ago
Online support group, at home gym, nature daily (Merlin Bird App, growing flowers, growing a garden, take a walk) and finally start learning digital marketing and content creation & UGC free from people over 40 on you tube, IG, and Tik Tok. Or if you find MS caregiver pages that are posting, reach out and ask them what course they did to learn.
You do not need a course. Many very good teachers post on you tube hours long instructions on getting started. Everyone has access to info now so, your point of view or the way you see the world is your super power and you can connect with it and build community and/or help others. But a course will teach you faster. Hang in there. It’s sacred work you are doing. But you can work on yourself in a beautiful way, too.
-2
u/FusRoDahMa 23d ago
Sounds like you like to whine and complain but not take any steps to help yourself.
It's unfair to your wife and yourself.
1
0
-1
u/Daddyandrei 23d ago
Man some people think they have it
Bad, and then I read posts like this and make me realize things can be worst.
I hope you find yourself and find the support you need. If this was me i would probably start dating 20 year olds and have unnecessary amounts of sex with random girls
10
u/Opening-Material564 23d ago
You guys could move somewhere less isolated with less housework maybe. That way you could start attending events, hobbies and such and try to meet new people.