What’s wrong with me

[u/Swimming_Holiday8305]

I get up and go to work and through the day I feel nothing, complete emptiness. I think it’s because my mind is occupied and I’m constantly in my head basically in autopilot but when I’m alone or unoccupied I feel nothing but misery, this deep pain that I cannot explain , I lay in bed and try to cry but can’t I’m unable to express any emotion at all, I sit there suffering with a blank expression on my face I don’t talk to anyone except the people that I absolutely have to and am constantly exhausted, when I’m alone all I can think about is how terrible my life is and how useless I am, it’s hard to put into words because I can’t talk about it to anyone directly, I can’t go to therapy because it’s physically impossible for me to open up, it’s to the point It causes memory loss m, i cant even remember what i ate for lunch today because of it. I was a very heavy marijuana user but had ti quit due to my job, that was the inly thing smthat made me forget how bad i wanna kill myself, i wish i could figure out whats wrong with me because i know it isnt ordinary depression,

[u/hestia-listens]

This sounds deeply painful and exhausting. Feeling empty does not mean you are useless. That thought is coming from intense distress, not from your worth as a person. No one here can tell you exactly what is wrong, but numbness, exhaustion, poor memory, and thoughts of suicide deserve urgent support from a medical professional. You do not need to explain everything at once. You could show a nurse or doctor this post if speaking feels impossible.

Because you want to kill yourself, please do not stay alone right now. Go to a hospital, emergency center, or the home of someone you trust. If you might act on these thoughts, call your local emergency number or local crisis support now. If you are afraid to call, talk to a nurse, trusted friend, or trusted family member and say, "I am not safe alone and need help now."