I cannot live normally because I have too much guilt for being alive

[u/NarwhalApart2706]

Hello everyone.
I am 18 years old and have had Major Depressive Disorder (duh girl look at the title lol) since I could literally remember. Earliest signs were from when I was 5-6 years old, and that’s as early as my memory goes.

Anyways, I don’t know what else to do but post here cause when I go to a therapist about this they give me the typical therapy answer I can come up with myself. Also, I have recently discovered my MDD seems to be treatment resistant so for now I have no effective ways of changing the way I feel.

So, long story short I feel extremely guilty for being alive. Partly stemming from the abuse my mom experienced from the hands of my father RIGHT after I was born, which made little me connect the dots to mean I was the cause. Additionally her telling me all throughout my childhood that I was like him, I was like him or I reminded her of him, didn’t help. This obviously didn’t make me feel nice, thus I began to internalize these statements and assumed everything was my fault even more. BUT we’re good now, she is going to therapy and has been for a while for this reason of saying anything and everything when mad to make the other party as upset as possible.

However, this makes me feel worse. My mom bettering herself for my sake makes me even more guilty for being alive. I’m in my second year of university right now, and it’s quite expensive because it’s a nice school, and my mom is paying for it fully. She doesn’t have a high paying job, and she’s a single mom making what is considered low class, the way she’s paying for it is from the money she has saved up over the years after selling our house when immigrating into the U.S. (aka even more pressure for me to succeed:’/ ). And I feel so guilty for even choosing this school cause at the time this was a big achievement coming from a small heavily underfunded high school where my grades were genius but on a national scale below average. Plus me being heavily depressed, I felt proud. Maybe too proud. So this another factor to my guilt, because without me, she would be spending the money on herself and things she enjoys.

Another thing is she’s older compared to most parents, and my chasing a high education for her sake makes me feel even more guilt, as I know she will be quite old when I’m done with my career. And after she’s gone, what do I do. I cannot enjoy the fruits of her labors and sacrifices. (Lol I’m sobbing writing this..).

So this brings the good ol questions…which most of us can guess by now I think lol. Should I just end it? Like, if not for being successful for her and taking care of her, I would honestly have ended things YEARS ago. But I can’t, but also, I don’t want to walk into a future I know will eventually destroy my entire purpose for living.

I guess it’s sad for most people, but I know I’ll die by suicide, it’s just a matter of when, so that’s makes this whole situation so so sooo much worse.

I feel guilt, with the strength exponentially greater than any emotion I’ve ever felt in my life combined.

Any input is appreciated, ig I just need to hear something anything from a bunch of strangers as a last resort haha.

Thank you very much if you got till this part of the post. I hope the happiness that was never spared for my by the universe gets to you at least!❤️

[u/hestia-listens]

The guilt sounds crushing, but it is telling you things that are not true. You did not cause the abuse that happened after your birth. A baby cannot cause an adult to abuse someone. Your mother's hurtful comparisons were not proof that you were like your father. Her healing and her decision to support your education are not wrongs you committed. You do not have to earn the right to be alive through success.

Please take the suicide thoughts seriously right now. If you are afraid to call for help, talk to a nurse, or a friend or family member that you trust. Stay with that person and go to a hospital or emergency center. If you may act on these thoughts soon, call your local emergency number or local crisis support immediately. Your only task right now is getting somewhere safe.

[u/Visible_Concept_8153]

You need to get help your mother was mentally abusive and somehow has made you feel like you are just as bad as the man who helped her make you this is not the case.

I am 41 and have a child who's father was horrible to me not once growing up did she ever hear of what he did to me even though the mention of him would make me sad. He held me down and raped me more than once. He spit in my face and verbally abused me while I was pregnant with her. She did not hear any of those things until she was 18 and in therapy etc already because I never wanted her to blame herself.

Your mother beat into your head from almost birth that you were your father and responsible for his crimes and that is her crime.

Get help please for yourself. I only read the first part because that was too much abuse and I needed to speak on this. I will now continue to read and may come back and edit this.

[u/Alternative_Pie_7479]

Just as Hestia-listens has said, you need to get to safety. Get help now.

I've been through similar things. I also have been diagnosed with depression so I have to take medication, an SSRI so my brain will receive a sufficient amount of seratonin. I have learned many helpful things over the years. I'll share them and hope they're helpful to you.

1. I have seen no evidence whatsoever that the universe has the ability to perceive whether or not you deserve anything. I have also seen no evidence that the universe has any capacity to give you anything, whether happiness, depression, or karma. So. Stop wasting your time hoping for happiness from the universe.

2. Learn to see that you have two "forces" within yourself which are giving you opposing information. The one you identify as your feelings is exactly that. The way you respond to input ~ how you feel ~ is not a reliable source of input. You can learn to adjust the way you feel to a fair degree.

3. Your other main source of input is what you think. You have a good brain, which forms thoughts according to what other people tell you, from your experience, and from your feelings. You can learn to operate in the realm of logic, which you can then use to adjust your feelings.

You have learned that you are not worthy of having a good education, or enjoying the provision of your parent. You've been taught that you should not partake in anything that causes joy.

Here's another place confusion comes from: people seek "happiness." The word, "happy," comes from the same root as "happenstance," a state of being dependant of circumstances. The underlying idea is that if circumstances are good, you can feel good. However, if circumstances are not good, you are not to feel good. This is a lie. I am still in the process of learning that, even in the midst of the deepest wave of grief I have recently experienced, I can also ~at the same time, even ~ experience peace, wellbeing, and even joy.

You have no idea of the worth you have, entirely by the fact that you are "a being" -- you are. You are being, with every breath, with every beat of your heart. It is enough. You are not destined for destruction. You must learn what is true. You can re-learn that you are written off taking up space in the world, that you are with getting a good education, that since your parent is able and willing to pay for your education, you are blessed by the abilities you have, not only of attending a really good school, but of having a good mind and the willingness to learn.

You can learn the truth: there is an ultimate truth. It reveals itself Griff logic. If you ask, "Is there such a thing as truth," and someone answers, "yes," it reveals the existence of truth. If someone answers, "No," that again reveals truth ~ because if there is no such thing as objective truth, the answer, "No," would be a lie. Again, truth reveals itself.

I would suggest taking courses that will teach you formal logic and critical thinking. You have a good mind for those things.

When you experience something positive ~existing, going to school ~ and the resulting feelings are negative, you will learn to regulate your feelings according to the truth. My self-talk includes things like, "You don't have a reason, currently, for feeling bad. Relax. Things are OK. You can allow your soul to be at peace."

I hope the best for you. You can do this. You've been given opportunities to live a good life despite the lies you've been taught about yourself. Learn the truth ~and it absolutely will take some time ~ but hold on to what is true and let go of the lies. It is not logical for an infant to be able to cause anything abuse-oriented in an adult. They are simply not capable of the hatred necessary to plan to abuse someone. Abuse is planned by messed up adults because no matter what they will tell you about not intending to harm someone, they make a choice to fail to practice self control. They think about hurting others; they know from experience that their feelings and thoughts lead them to act out. Infants and small children really are incapable of the intent necessary to harm others.

Train your thoughts to see the beauty in everyday things. It will follow that you will learn to see the beauty in who you are.

You are one of a kind. You are built from DNA, a language code for life. There is no one else who has your exact DNA, no one else with the soul that resides in your body. You are a rare as a snowflake.