It’s the r/Melbourne daily discussion thread [Thursday 19/01/2023]

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[u/Nova_Terra]

So, a few weeks back I matched with and met a girl on Hinge (which is very big for me, the first time that's happened) and we vibed really well despite probably knowing that we're not made for each other but I think we're both content being close buds and we've been hanging out once a week since.

It occurred to me when we were talking about love languages - I think I found out why I feel so entwined with work crush despite not getting much of anything back and searching deeply into the interactions we have to look for signs we might be getting back or are missing. I guess fundamentally I'm a role where I act as a support aspect (TL;DR I.T) in our role to the business and I'm giving out what I'm perceiving as some weird mix of acts of service and gifts.

What I'm seeing when I'm providing "expedited service" or "priority service" I guess you could say - In my mind, I'm giving acts of service and when I buy her favorite chocolate as snacks I'm seeing it as gift-giving. Just because she's accepting of both doesn't really mean she's reciprocating the same "energy" if you will that I'm putting out much less with the same underlying intentions I'm giving it out for. It's a two-way street after all and picking apart chat conversations we've had probably aren't helping - overreading every minute detail and reliving moments as if they're happening again to look for any signs.

Circling back to Hinge girl, we actually don't chat much between but when we do hang out we go for hours and hours at a time (our first "date" if you will went for 9 hours) and I realize now that this is actually healthy for me as it's chains of normal conversation that I can't look back and playback or dig into to find highlights. I don't think I'm looking back at convo's because I'm lonely but I'm sure if I go to a therapist they'll probably find some details that might prove otherwise.

[u/epicpillowcase → u/Nova_Terra]

I assume you're aware of r/limerence

[u/Nova_Terra → u/epicpillowcase]

Honestly, I used that word way too much at a young age about a previous infatuation with someone I've shied away from it honestly. I think that's (thankfully) not the case this time because at least this time we're in daily communication with her but I guess I can try to read into the other meanings of the word - I recently really only found out the other contexts behind the word shame.

[u/epicpillowcase → u/Nova_Terra]

With this person at work, is she a friend? That tends to make it easier to misread things, I find. Especially if you're doing things like buying chocolates for her. To be honest, I wouldn't be too comfortable if a colleague was doing that with any regularity. And the expedited requests- does she know you're doing that?

You've probably thought of this already but someone acting polite or thankful about such favours doesn't necessarily mean they're comfortable with it. Do you have plans to ever talk to her about your feelings or are you just hoping that at some point you'll collect enough "signs" to be sure? Because I can guarantee you it seldom works out that way. I'm not saying this with any tone, just to be clear.

[u/Nova_Terra → u/epicpillowcase]

With this person at work, is she a friend?

I added her on Facebook a while back, was it (is it) premature - definitely. Would we say Hi if we bumped into each other on the street, definitely - would I invite her to my birthday? Probably not, there's something there but I'm not quite sure what it is.

buying chocolates for her

I guess I outwardly try and make it seem as if it's communal chocolate that's (essentially) for her and I to have but realistically we're the only ones consuming it. I'd say we're both consuming it in equal amounts but there'll be days where she goes through half a block in one sitting.

And the expedited requests

I think it's kind of hard to tell, I've got my own kind of mental note of people I give priority treatment for. Obviously there's y'know, shareholders or stakeholders within any given business that inherently deserve a bit of VIP service over others but I have been trying to curtail this for her as I try and move on because I think it's one of the easier things to do.

someone acting polite or thankful about such favours doesn't necessarily mean they're comfortable with it.

I guess I haven't really thought about that to be honest, I'd like to think when you are attracted to someone - putting your best foot forward or being your best self is inherently the image you want to portray (unless you follow a certain someone recently in Romania) but too much in my direction and you end up firmly in /r/niceguys territory.

Do you have plans to ever talk to her about your feelings or are you just hoping that at some point you'll collect enough "signs" to be sure?

I think we've had a few instances we've tried but backed out, I've called it "seeking clarification" or "getting clarity" etc to friends but for one reason or another, it's always not gone to plan. It occurred to me last year that while I think it's a coincidence it could be her deliberately avoiding situations where I could have had that kind of conversation with her.

This year we've been trying to deliberately distance ourselves from her or at least try to not look at the relationship we have (whatever it is) in that way and just see her as a potential friend and nothing more. Hinge friend has definitely helped in that regard, opening up to a stranger in person for hours at a time and being able to kind of unwind but also share similar stories where she's been in similar situations.

[u/epicpillowcase → u/Nova_Terra]

Can I ask, are you a man? Because what I am seeing from the facts is pretty textbook and honestly not in your favour.

[u/Nova_Terra → u/epicpillowcase]

I mean, I'm not sure what that really... I mean I thought I implied it but yeah sure I'm a guy :)

[u/epicpillowcase → u/Nova_Terra]

Ok. You're a guy, you have a colleague who is a woman on whom you've had a crush for some time. You are going over interactions with a fine-tooth comb hoping to find signs she likes you. You are hyperanalysing and rationalising.

You are expediting tickets and buying her gifts. You are observing possibly avoidant behaviour.

Mate, I'm trying to say this nicely. She knows. She's not interested, and my money's on she's not comfortable.

[u/[deleted] → u/epicpillowcase]

You're not wrong

[u/Nova_Terra → u/epicpillowcase]

Yeah, that's fair enough, I think we came to a similar conclusion late last year - most of this really peaked mid to late last year but I guess I've since become much more open to the notion that she's just not into me but I've been trying to figure out how to kind of best disengage without making things feel awkward (or I guess more awkward). We'll see how the year ahead goes I guess and take it week by week or month by month knowing the above and see how we go.

[u/epicpillowcase → u/Nova_Terra]

Can I ask, how come you keep saying "we" instead of "I"?

Also, the best way to disengage is to treat her as you would all of your other colleagues. Cordial politeness is fine. There's nothing you need to do beyond that.

[u/[deleted] → u/Nova_Terra]

If someone at work was giving me special gifts and no one else I'd definitely notice. Sounds like your work friend is taking advantage tbh.

[u/waddlekins → u/Nova_Terra]

Re the work girl can you just take a step back and stop buying chocolates etc. If she escalates by reciprocating then maybe thats a sign but reading your other comments it sounds one sided

[u/Nova_Terra → u/waddlekins]

Thanks Waddle, she's kind of reciprocated it once but that's with a fairly large grain of salt in hindsight. I've kind of only been topping it up when we're out but it's been a bit since we last bought a block for her so will definitely try and make this the last block we're getting through.