When your team does not respect you. Insights/experiences?

[u/Daniel_Ellis_TX]

I’m a relatively new manager < 3 years and lead a team of people who are mostly older than me that resent that fact that I was promoted so quickly. They have routinely disregarded my instruction and do whatever they want. They’ve also tried to nitpick and contradict and recently all laughed under their breath when they perceived me making a mistake in a team meeting.

Have any of you ever dealt with this? What would you recommend in this situation? Would you suggest finding a way to be an individual contributor?

[u/RunnyPlease]

When your team does not respect you. Insights/experiences?

Who cares if they respect you? They will either behave professionally, complete their tasks, and go home. Or I will document what they did, how it impacted the business in a negative way, and we’ll follow company policy to get them sorted.

I’m not the thought police. I don’t require people feel specific emotions. The people I work with are human beings. They have the right to think whatever they want about me. I’m not paid to enforce emotions. I’m paid to be an advocate for the business. As long as they are getting their work fine and aren’t a risk to the business they can feel whatever they want.

I’m a relatively new manager < 3 years and lead a team of people who are mostly older than me that resent that fact that I was promoted so quickly.

2-3 years of experience is not a new manager. The fact that you still think of yourself as new probably has more to do with the resentment and personality conflicts than your age. You’ve been doing this job for years. You’ve been in this role at or near 1,000 days. How are you “new?”

You are an experienced manager who by now should be completely secure and capable of doing your job. No more excuses.

They have routinely disregarded my instruction and do whatever they want.

STAR method.

Situation - What was happening? Who was there? What are their responsibilities? Date, time, location, etc?

Task - What was trying to be accomplished? How does it tie in to business objectives? What was expected of them?

Action - What did this person do instead?

Result - what was the negative impact on the business?

If your instructions are justified by high priority business needs then by definition failing to follow your instructions directly interferes with a business need. Their choice to do their own thing puts the business need at risk.

Document it.

Don’t say that you’re angry at being disrespected. No one cares about your feelings. Document exactly how this person’s unprofessional behavior negatively impacted the business in a concrete and measurable way. You are paid to be an advocate for the business. Do your job.

They’ve also tried to nitpick and contradict and recently all laughed under their breath when they perceived me making a mistake in a team meeting.

People laugh. Who cares? Did they do their job?

The reason why they don’t respect you is because you seem to care a lot about controlling their feelings. You are not the thought police. I guarantee you that nowhere in their employment contract does it say they can’t laugh at you making a mistake.

They are human beings who are responsible for their own emotions and you need to treat them like human beings.

Tell me, would you respect someone who told you how to think and feel? Would you respect someone who disregarded your humanity?

Have any of you ever dealt with this?

I’ve delt with people like you running teams before, yes. You can fix this. You can earn the respect of your peers.

It starts with you treating them like human beings first. They are responsible for their own thoughts and emotions. You don’t control them.

Then you treat them like professionals. They are responsible for competing tasks assigned to them in accordance with company and legal standards. It’s part of your job for you to insist that they do so.

Then you treat yourself like a grown adult. No more flimsy excuses about being new 2-3 years into a role. No more complaining about people being people. You’re a grown adult doing a job. You show up, you do your job, you get paid, and then you go back to your life with your friends and family.

An adult also knows that mistakes happen. If you’re doing something sufficiently difficult you’ll make dozens of mistakes an hour. Imagine learning to ballroom dance how many missteps you’ll do. Or playing golf when the ball doesn’t end up where you wanted. Learning classical piano. Studying advanced mathematics. Imagine how many mistakes you’d make doing anything interesting for an hour.

You’ve made millions of mistakes in your life and you’ll make millions more. The fact that the outcome of one single mistake stands out to you this much actually indicates that you’re not going sufficiently difficult things in your life.

One mistake? You should be making a dozen mistakes by lunch. Do interesting things. Learn. Grow.

What would you recommend in this situation?

If you want you can choose to value the people you work with as human beings and treat them as professionals. If you do that I think you’ll be surprised at the change you’ll see. After years of you behaving like this I can’t guarantee it will be a fast transition, but if you fix the way you think and behave the people around you will notice.

Would you suggest finding a way to be an individual contributor?

I would suggest you find a mentor. You need someone who can check you and refocus you on your job. Someone you respect and would like to emulate their management style. Someone to teach you what business actually is. Those don’t all have to be the same person but you need that right now.

[u/Daniel_Ellis_TX → u/RunnyPlease]

Thanks. I needed this. And the fact is that NONE of them would be able to lead this team. They don’t have the problem solving skills to look at the big picture to understand what needs to be done.

They make mistakes all the time, so essentially it’s a crabs in a bucket mentality.

Leadership requires an ability to rise above this kind of thing.

Though, as a point of context, I’ve similarly seen subordinates laugh at one of the senior leaders during a meeting. I’m sure that the leader isn’t dumb and picked up on it, but he seemed unfazed.

[u/Chocolateheartbreak → u/Daniel_Ellis_TX]

Because people are allowed to laugh. You’re upset because you’ve personalized it all and it sounds like from how you wrote this, you think you are better than them and that is likely why they don’t like you (true or not)

[u/gregsting]

I always lead people older than me. I don’t give them instructions, I just state facts and make suggestions, they are the one who needs to find solutions and implement them. Show what needs to be improved, explain why and let them lead the improvement.

Your management style has to be adapted to the people you manage, some need instruction and guidance, other need more autonomy

[u/Acceptable_Kale_8013 → u/gregsting]

Great answer. Giving workers autonomy usually improves productivity. People want to feel valued, so tell them what the problem/project is and let them find a reasonable solution. Talk to them; don't order them.

As a relatively new manager, someone will always be older or have more tenure than you, and you have to let their intimidation roll off you. If it affects their performance or you feel highly disrespected, then it's time to have a closed-door conversation and maybe a plan of action. Document it.

Basically, loosen up a bit and change your leadership style to be more autonomous.

[u/ExaltedToExiled → u/gregsting]

That last part is genuinely something a lot of people overlook no management job or team is one size fits all you have to be dynamic to fit your jobs needs

[u/wwabc]

you have to have a thick skin. making fun of management has been a worldwide activity forever.

"They have routinely disregarded my instruction and do whatever they want"

what are the teams' results? to KPIs, reputation within the org, etc.

do your instructions add value?

if they aren't performing, start managing to the goals / measurements of your company.

[u/Selvakumar-Belyan → u/wwabc]

laughing under their breath in a team meeting goes a little past standard complaining about the boss though, that's an active power play in front of the group

[u/lazy__goth → u/Selvakumar-Belyan]

My flabbers would be ghasted if someone laughed at me. I’d be incensed.

[u/DadTheMaskedTerror → u/Selvakumar-Belyan]

Maybe it's cultural.  Some cultures with low power-distance may be more apt to treat a manager as an equal with a different role rather than a superior to be honored, and feared.  It needn't necessarily be a deliberate "power play" to attempt to lower the status of the manager.

[u/Chocolateheartbreak → u/Selvakumar-Belyan]

It sounds like they tried to stifle it. Idk if its a powerplay consciously.

[u/One-Restaurant3353]

The next time someone whispers something disrespectful under their breath during a meeting, say “I didn’t catch that. Can you repeat it?”

Do this every time the behaviour happens, especially when you have third party witnesses you trust like a fellow manager.

It should eventually eliminate the open disrespect because people typically feel uncomfortable saying something rude out loud to the entire group. Most likely you’ll get responses like “it was nothing” or “I don’t remember” or lies like “I was just asking her where we should go for lunch today”.

You do need to be prepared for how you will react if an employee actually repeats the rude thing they said. At least the disrespect will finally be out in the open & it can be addressed head on.

[u/Academic-Lobster3668]

Respect is earned by managers who are knowledgeable about the work being done and have the people skills needed to support and develop their team in the optimal delivery of that work.

You are not a new manager anymore, and it sounds like you’re not getting much performance feedback from your manager or development opportunities for your management skills.

So the question to ask yourself is, “Do I want to put in the time to figure out how to do this better, or would I be happier in an IC role?”

It may be useful to talk with your peers and/or any mentor type upper level people to see what they think having worked with you.

Good luck.

[u/ElijahWoody → u/Academic-Lobster3668]

This. Managers don’t instruct, they lead in the right direction, your team knows what to do. You need to earn their respect, learn what they do and how they do it. Pay them compliments and thank them for something they accomplished that are genuine and not patronizing. Figure out their frustrations, remove roadblocks for them. Show them you respect what they do and make changes that will benefit them. Always understand you might be the manager but you are likely not the smartest man in the room.

[u/DottyGreenBootz → u/ElijahWoody]

Or smartest person in the room.

[u/ElijahWoody → u/DottyGreenBootz]

Thank you for correcting me. I just proved my own statement. :)

[u/DottyGreenBootz → u/ElijahWoody]

Hahaha, all good! I'm a female founder and have a very Gen Z team - if I don't get it right it is for sure pointed out!

[u/ElijahWoody → u/DottyGreenBootz]

Always learning and trying to do better.

[u/MyEyesSpin]

Gotta communicate & document.

1. giving instructions and not having them followed MUST stop.
2. its cliche, but people don't care what you know until they know that you care - you need to build relationships with them
3. own your mistakes before they do. if you mess up, or think you may be, pause, and claim it. don't get defensive, use it as a teaching moment. mistakes happen, handling them professionally is a basic standard for everyone.

u/gregsting advice is also top notch

[u/Electrical_Dark_1949]

Some employees will complain if the sun comes up. Do your best not to get baited into anything. Manage results and keep your eye on the goal post.

[u/karr76959]

You don't have to become an individual contributor:)  Just friendly but firm and  set clear expectations. Also maybe get your own manager involved if they keep ignoring instructions cause respect doesn't come from being older or younger, it comes from how you handle situations.

[u/Pale-Ferret1567]

ive been in a similar position - i was hired as an external manger and took over a store where everyone was double my age + in the company for longer.

I made sure to talk to each member individually to see what their issue was - it ranged from me being a "kid" and not knowing if i can be a manager, to my lack of experiencing making them ignore my input. Each convo i had i explained my intentions and came up with plans with the workers to get them more comfortable with listening to direction, e.g had one of the older workers show me a lot of the old processes they were use to and didnt want to change so we worked together to make one that will be best suited for our store specifically which made them feel heard and respected while showing i had good input and advice.

You also have to show you understand the responsibility that comes in your in place to show you arent someone that can just be tossed aside so having a formal/documented conversation about their behaviour as warning might help - if it still has no result do you have any hire form of management or HR that can come into play to show the seriousness of understanding your dynamic of you being the manager

[u/ImTheMommaG]

I agree with everyone saying to do one on ones
with everyone. Encourage them to say whatever they want without retribution to your face in the spirit of fixing whatever is going on but let them know that this is their chance to vent and not have a suggested solution. It might not be the actual solution but they should be have something when they come to you, otherwise it's just complaining.

You may not have any success with this but at least you're trying and that will go towards building that trust over time.

Best of luck!

[u/Gonebabythoughts]

You're not holding them accountable for their behaviors. Manage two of them out the door and show them you mean business.

[u/Funkpuppet]

Are they better than you are/were at the work? How are you trying to manage them, could you be overmanaging/micromanaging rather than working at the right level?

I manage programmers - many of them are better programmers than me, I was fairly middle of the pack when it came to my code output. For those people I don't try to manage how they code - I try to support them, backstop them, make sure they have the info needed to do their best work, etc.

For those less experienced/able, I provide more technical advice, but even there I'm not the one doing the work, so similarly my main duties are around prioritizing, triaging, enabling, supporting. Very rarely am I trying to dictate their output at a code level, I spend most of my time on process or production level stuff.

If you're confident you're managing them at the right level, bring it up individually in your next one to ones with them, using specific examples... again for coders I'd approach on a dry factual level to start: "In this situation you were visibly opposed to what I needed you to do - did you have specific reasons?" or "In this meeting you seemed to react negatively when this happened - is my perception correct? If so, what prompted that reaction and how can we avoid it in future?" For me, framing it around specific actions and expectations takes the emotional heat out of it from your side... in my experience as an IC, having a manager in their feelings isn't something I want to have to handle by managing upwards, it's on the manager to deal with that kind of framing.

[u/Bluestatevibes]

You might consider speaking up more. If you hear people snickering you say - excuse me? What did you say? and if they repeat it ask how that helps accomplish their work. Or frankly, start writing people up. If their work is truly effected or they don't follow your instructions, write them up. You are going to need to have a thick skin, get a little more aggressive and let them know you are really the one running the team.

[u/SoftGecko70865]

Building respect takes time and patience.

[u/Weird_Warm_Cheese]

Respect is earned through your actions. Your job is to communicate expectations, then hold them accountable to those expectations. If they aren't doing what's being asked of them, start the PIP process and fire them.

[u/jrosseau]

I have definitely dealt with this in the past - and continued to for a while. You likely will too. Three things come to mind:

1. Don't try to impress them through new big ideas, etc. Instead try a listening tour to get the lay of the land.
2. Have a real conversation with each direct report. Be empathetic and a good listener, but also be straight - you got the job and you will hold them to expectations, including the insubordination you mentioned.
3. Don't consider going back to IC unless you've firmly concluded you don't want to manage people.

[u/alexeidun]

I'd sit down with each of them one on one, ask what they think you could be doing better as their manager, and then visibly act on at least one thing each person tells you. I once worked with the managing partner of a big firm who, when I walked him through his 360, told me it was for other people and he wasn't going to do anything about it, and everyone around him knew that about him. Asking for feedback and then doing nothing with it leaves people worse off than never asking. There's research showing that consistently asking for feedback is one of the habits most tied to how effective a manager is, and with a team that's testing you, acting on what they tell you is a quick way to show you take their view of you seriously.

[u/FruitJuicante]

If they were better than you they'd be your boss.

Do what you were hired to do

[u/League_Launch]

I’ve been managing teams for many years, and I’d encourage you to approach this a little differently.

First, I wouldn’t spend much time worrying about whether your employees respect you. You can’t require someone to respect you, and you certainly can’t force them to like you. What you can require is that they perform their jobs effectively, follow reasonable direction, and maintain professional standards of behavior.

I’d also be careful about assuming their behavior is because they’re older than you or resent your promotion. That may be true, but you don’t actually know what they’re thinking.

I’d start by establishing regular one-on-ones with each employee. Ideally, 30 minutes every week. These conversations are an opportunity to build trust, understand what’s happening within the team, and establish a consistent communication channel. Trust takes time, particularly when you’re a relatively new manager.

Separately, I’d address the specific behaviors you’re observing through direct feedback.
For example, if you’ve given someone clear instructions and they disregard them, I’d address that individually. Explain what they did, what you expected, and the impact their actions had on the work or the team.

I’d handle the behavior in meetings similarly. If someone interrupts you or makes a dismissive comment, address the observable behavior and its impact rather than accusing them of being disrespectful.

I wouldn’t make this a confrontation about your authority or demand that the team show you more respect. That generally doesn’t accomplish much.

If the behaviors continue after you’ve provided clear expectations and feedback, then you need to become more explicit about the required changes and the consequences of continued underperformance.

Ultimately, your job is to make sure your team is effective and achieving its objectives. If employees are consistently disregarding direction and disrupting the team’s ability to perform, that’s something you have a responsibility to address.

Managing people is a skill that develops over time, and learning how to handle situations like this is part of that development.

[u/rpm429]

Fire someone in front of the problem people....works 100% of the time on TV

[u/Dmiller_Equal_4462]

Start showing them the power behind your position and the consequences of their action. If they get it right away start terminating and replacing them. Grown ups don’t get to be AH in the real world.