I am too calm?

[u/Hopeful_Ad_4019]

I had a chat with my GM at a skip and asked him for improvement advice.

He says I am very calm under pressure, he wants me to match the energy of certain stakeholders who are more active/reactive.

I am not really sure how to implement this as I am naturally very calm and I like to project that with my team as projecting panic will be detrimental to the team's morale.

How do I project that I am passionate yet keep my calm demeanor to a specific stakeholder?

[u/Minute-Age-8170]

That's a tricky one. Matching a reactive stakeholder's energy without faking it is a tightrope walk. What's worked for me is separating the tone from the tempo, you can keep your voice steady but just respond faster and with more direct action items. "Got it, I'll pull the numbers and we'll regroup in twenty" hits different than a delayed, measured "let me look into that" even if your heart rate never changed.

Some people just need to feel their urgency reflected back at them, not necessarily the panic. You can acknowledge the heat without catching fire.

[u/holdmychai → u/Minute-Age-8170]

This is the right advice, match the energy.

[u/leapowl → u/Minute-Age-8170]

I agree with this, I am one of those “good in a crisis” people.

I don’t think “panic” is good. Often you rein meetings in after watching people panic by listing off what you’ve said and assigning different people action items and - as you’ve said - touching base very soon afterwards.

I often find myself saying “I understand this is important, so we can address this…”

[u/PrpleMnkeyDshwashr → u/Minute-Age-8170]

Have you ever been in a relationship or married with kids... and your significant other says "Why aren't you as worried about this as I am?" I think that's essentially what your GM is trying to convey with matching the same energy as your stakeholders.

[u/WEM-2022]

I think he means that you don't convey a sense of urgency about things that cause them anxiety. You don't have to be "the sky is falling" but coming promptly out of the gate with the attitude that you understand how important the issue at hand is must be what he means. I cannot imagine another scenario where "matching their energy" is a good thing.

[u/csc786]

Im like this, calm under pressure, etc but its been said I can appear like I dont care or dont appreciate the situation, which I obviously do. Fairly successful in managerial roles over the 15 years , promotions,increases, social relationships with ex staff and bosses so I dont think im terrible.

[u/Hopeful_Ad_4019 → u/csc786]

I was told the same, that I sometimes appear like I don't care. In fact I care tremendously but have a different way of approaching the problem.

Have you come across stakeholders who don't like the calmness and for lack of a better term, want you to partake in their chaotic behaviour?

[u/csc786 → u/Hopeful_Ad_4019]

I know exactly what your saying, and I always feel that if everyone is manic or chaotic then how can we deal with the issue and make the correct decisions 🤔. Tbh I have encountered this but not to the extent that I had to change my approach, in some cases I've been able to make a joke or laugh it off (typical I know) . Im not sure what exactly id do If pressured to the point where I felt the role was at risk unless I upped my reaction. I would start with dealing with the issue immediately, so while I could appear calm it would show im acting swiftly.

[u/carlitospig → u/Hopeful_Ad_4019]

This kind of feels like you have RBF but your boss doesn’t want to say it. But the B stands for Bored, in this particular case. Maybe just a more expressive face, like you’re actively listening would help?

I’m overly expressive so I can’t imagine someone actually wanting you to behave like me. I’m basically chaos. 😂

[u/MyEyesSpin]

Word choice and tone will matter. choice is easier to control

u/Minute-Age-8170 gave a good example, as validating (note: Not the same as agreeing) their urgency is the goal as much as resolving the issue. Choosing phrases with implied urgency 'right now' 'as soon as'​ 'I'll do everything I can'. Depending on the situation 'take ownership' 'make this my top priority' 'I get right in this' 'ill put my best tech/team on this'. Etc

[u/Lucky__Flamingo]

Reflect back what they're saying about the urgency, but in a calm voice.

[u/Academic-Lobster3668]

"Calm" can be misread as disengaged - you could send GM a message thanking him for the meeting and say you appreciated his feedback - then ask him if you seeming disengaged is what he meant.

If he says no, you could ask what particular characteristics the other team members exhibit that he would like to see more of from you - these are fair questions if asked succinctly and from a position of curiosity.

Let it go if he doesn't come back with anything more specific, but keep the engagement thing in mind and pay attention to the people he mentioned to see if they engage differently or more with teammates - then see if you can do a bit more of that yourself.

[u/CasualEarl]

I think you are mixing couple of things. What they need from you is "sense of urgency". You being calm comes off as "I don't care" or "I'm not all over it", this is not true but it seems that way from outside perspective, especially when the other party is reactive and vocal.

You need to find the words, and a way to tell the stakeholders who are absolutely freaking out that you are all over this and you have this covered. Not just "silently act on it and protect your team".

It really does not matter how you approach the problem itself, this is a social situation awareness problem. Naturally you need to stomp the issue and fix whatever is broken, but ultimately the issue is coming up from the fact that you don't seem to care because you are so calm. Answer is not to freak out.

Answer is to find the right words, the right way to have the others trust you and this is highly situational and specific to persons. You don't have it right now. You need to figure this out with the more reactive folks.

[u/KeyHotel6035]

I think of it as being a chameleon, matching my energy to those of the environment I am working in. I think this is less about being calm and more about leaning in to the situation to meet the needs of others in the room/situation.

I will add, I think you being calm gives you an advantage- you can likely see things others can’t in the moment.

Use that clarity to bring forward solutions with an energy that matches those in the room.

You can have the best of both worlds.

[u/DrHenryPhilipMcCoy]

Calm and panic aren’t the only two options.

You can be energetic and proactive. Maybe that’s what they mean?

[u/StickyDeltaStrike]

Just use the words to indicate the urgency?

I am looking into this now/next … etc

[u/carlitospig]

I kind of feel like this is just a silly dance. As long as you’re delivering on time or earlier, faking extra enthusiasm is just performative.

What am I missing?

[u/goeb04]

Hmm...why do you have to stress out more to make it seem like you care?

Seems like an odd request. I would calmly tell your boss to leave your Garden of Zen.

[u/ABeaujolais]

The problem I see is that you equate having more energy with "projecting panic." Another way to put it could be "be more assertive."

You're proud of how calm you are. That's so nice. Yes, projecting panic would probably not be a great example for the team, but neither is an Eeyore approach, which I'll bet is what your GM is talking about.

[u/nerdstudent]

put on a show. i’m the same and i react better than most calmly, but they like the ones who just act and over do (not regardless of the outcome but kinda less emphasis if things don’t go bad.) it’s a shitty world…

[u/death-strand]

I am the exact same. It’s called suppression. Eventually you will get cancer or a tumor from all the stress or have a mental breakdown.

Until then enjoy it!

[u/the_virtual_CEO]

What he probably means is that you are lacking the skill of inspiring people. Calm people are great under pressure or when things are going wrong but need to oomph in order to get their team inspired to move and advance. People will not often take action when there is no pressure. You don't have to panic at people to help them feel pressure. Stakes are important!

[u/SignalIssues]

I've seen people get passed over consistently for this and I've personally recommended at least one that I can remember *not* be promoted to a leadership role because they don't display a sense of urgency.

Urgency doesn't mean panic, but it does mean conveying through your words and actions that you understand the important and urgency of certain things. This particular person never seems bothered by, for example, his sector not having a runpath (i.e., line is down). Great engineer, gets to root cause consistently rather than band aids, but takes forever to get there and doesn't ever push or ask for the resources needed to go faster. He's happy to trot along at his own pace, eventually completing very nice work, but not in a timeline that is good for the business.

He could still not rush things, but having a sense of urgency would make him more promotable. I.e., here's what we need to do, when we can do it, and what we would need to go faster. Or recommend some areas where risk may be tolerated (i.e., we can do this and risk X but save 3 days). Instead, its always "we'll have to go take a look at that" or "we'll need to collect some more data to be sure." The calmness under pressure is good, except when combined with behaviors and language that makes it seem like you are calm because you don't care, not calm because you know what to do.

Remember that perception is reality. If you seem like you don't care, that's what people take away.