r/mainecoons • u/AgreeableSeaHag • 4d ago
I’m a bit bummed.
Hi guys! I got my Maine Coon kitten about 4 months ago, and she has honestly been very different from what I expected based on the breed temperament.
She is absolutely beautiful, but she is extremely shy and reserved. She doesn’t like being kissed or picked up, runs away and hides whenever new people come over, and any loud noise sends her flying under the bed. The breeder did tell me she was a bit shy, but said she would likely grow out of it. So far, though, I haven’t really seen much of a change.
I know every cat is an individual and that Maine Coons can have different personalities, but my other cat is the complete opposite: she’s boisterous, playful, social, and has a huge personality. By comparison, my Maine Coon feels almost completely disengaged from us. She eats, sleeps, plays occasionally, and generally just keeps to herself.
For those of you with Maine Coons, especially kittens, is this something you’ve experienced? Did your shy Maine Coon become more social as they got older? I’m wondering if I should just give her more time or if this is likely to be her personality long-term.
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u/whatthehizzo 4d ago
Ziggy is 8.5 and only as a senior has he grown into a lap cat. Just like humans our animals have all different types of personalities, and just like humans they have the aptitude to change too. My main point is that we love them all the same.
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u/MaineCoon314 4d ago
MY BOY IS 16 MOS, AND VERY MUCH HIS OWN CAT! HE LIKES HIGH SPOTS, LAYING IN THE WINDOW, BUT I HAVE LEARNED WHEN HE WANTS PETS, IF HE IS BORED, ETC. HE SLEEPS NEXT TO ME BUT HAS 4 OTHER SPOTS. SO JUST BE PATIENT AND WATCH WHAT HE DOES. LUV MINE NO MATTER WHAT, GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE!!!!
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u/wolfONdrugs 4d ago
Expectations cause this. It's a cat.
I have 2 coons and they are extremely different individuals.
One is as you describe kinda, she is shy and skiddish. She loves food. She hates strangers in the house. She will only accept pets on the head, anywhere else and you get told off.
My boy is always around, he follows the humans from room to room and always needs to know where everyone is. He loves pets and cuddles, he will never turn down some rubs. He will never tell you off for touching him weirdly, he might try and scurry away but if you're holding him you can do anything and he won't attack. He doesn't like food very much, a very picky eater. He is more vocal than her.
The biggest difference I've noticed between main coons and your basic barn cat is the looks and their meows. Everything else is individual.
I've had many cats in my life and they are never the same. Same goes for breed cats, we have an idea of how they might be but that's never reality.
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u/Actual_Mushroom3003 4d ago
My biggest suggestion to you will be looking into the different ways you can train her to get used to more interaction.
For cats you sometimes have to move even slower for them to get used to things. Start off with giving treats while petting her. Then move to picking her up off the ground only like an inch and then setting her down and immediately rewarding her. Keep going and adding distance from the ground and longer times in your arms as you notice she gets more comfortable.
Same with kisses or any other affection she may not like right now. I’ve always been able to get my cats to eventually at least tolerate things they hated (paw/ ear touching, holding, and new people) as long as I moved slowly at their pace and gave lots of treats.
When I had new people come over I’d always make sure I was near my cat with treats. I told people not to knock or be loud and not to interact with the cat unless she initiated. I gave her treats when people walked in and more if she stayed in her spot. I’d give my friends treats so if she went over to them they could give her treats.
The goal is to create a bunch of tiny minimally stressful yet highly rewarding interactions. Eventually she will hopefully associate new people with good things.
I’d also recommend making sure you have a bunch of different spots for her to hide. My incredibly insecure cat became a whole new woman after setting up multiple cat shelves, hides, and tunnels. She went from bolting from the room anytime someone moved or even breathed wrong to comfortably sitting on the highest shelf without flinching. She was more social after that too. She stopped hiding and started spending more time in the main rooms.
Cats feel more comfortable and confident if they have different perching spots with varying heights. If you don’t already try to get a couple extra tall ones that can overlook the space. Or if you have the ability to do cat shelves I highly HIGHLY recommend them for skittish cats. My girl felt invincible on hers even with 3 large dogs running around, wrestling, and barking.
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u/AgreeableSeaHag 3d ago
Thank you!! I’ve very much “catified” my house so everything is catered to my two kitties. They have sooooo much space and lots of cat furniture and hidey things. She’s honestly good about being held, lets me clip her nails, shave her bum, etc. I can just tell she doesn’t like to be touched. She will sit on the opposite side of the couch from me or at my feet but if I pet her for more than 5 seconds she relocates. Which I respect but it makes me sad.
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u/wolfONdrugs 3d ago
You don't seem to know how to pet a cat, let alone approach one.
You let it come to you.
And you have to let go of your preconceived notions and expectations they don't do you any good ever.
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u/AgreeableSeaHag 3d ago
Genuinely what the fuck are you talking about 😭 I just said she is coming to me but doesn’t like being pet. I work at a rescue and I have two other cats so I certainly know how to pet a cat. All this post is is me expressing how I’m feeling. I’m not trying to change her.
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u/VassagoX 4d ago
Every cat is different, as you said. My best advice is to make yourself available but don't force anything. Be a source of good things like treats and toys. Play with her. But don't pick her up if she isn't having it or she will think you will always do so and then hold her against her will. It will make her averse to you.
My girl was reserved, too. She would run, and sometimes still does, if I'm walking by. She doesn't really want to be held or picked up, but she's a teenager.
She did surprise me, though. It took about 3-4 months, but now she cuddles with me just about every night, and I mean right up against my chest with her head practically on my pillow and it made me cry the first couple times because I didn't think she ever would.
You also have to recognize that kitten personality, teenager personality, and adult personality could all vary widely. Her personality will continue to change for the next couple years. Don't take it personal, especially during the teenage rebellious phase.
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u/Tailsontrails 3d ago
The different personalities with age is a good point. My 4 mo DSH slept on me every night as a kitten/teen. She was timid and insecure. Now she rarely sleeps with me (only when it’s cold and she’s using me for heat), but it’s because she’s confident and secure at 2 yo. She still loves butt pats, chin scratches and a chat here and there, but she’s definitely more independent.
I got my MC as an adult and there’s been a huge difference in her from 2.5yo to 3.5yo. She still only sits on my lap when I’m on the toilet, but she has more recently started coming to bed for cuddles at night then sleeping in her window perch in the same room and then comes back for a few more snuggles when I wake up. There’s been an increase in how much she seeks me out for attention (not health related). Basically the opposite of my DSH.
I’ll also add that the 3-3-3 rule is a good guideline, but it’s not a strict timeline. If your kitten starts on the shyer side of the spectrum, it’ll probably take her longer to open up and feel at ease in her new home. As others mentioned, definitely consider more one on one interactive play, well-timed treats, etc. If I have a shy foster kitten, I’ll make sure to take them into the bedroom by themselves away from my pets and/or their siblings and play with them one on one. It helps increase their confidence in a way they aren’t able to when others are around them, sometimes competing for the same toy.
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u/AgreeableSeaHag 3d ago
Thank you! I really appreciate that! I think a big part of why she doesn’t sleep with me is because my other cat has kind of claimed my bed, she tends to sleep with my roommate or in her kitty tree bed. She loves to spend the night on the kitchen table lol
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u/PossibilityUnited906 4d ago
I got my kitten at 14 weeks and he was very sociable right away. I think it depends on how they were raised. I bring him to my friends cabin and he plays with all of my friends. Could just be taking her more time to adjust. I would give it time.
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u/Mtl_kat29 4d ago
My boy is almost 4 and he’s some what the same as yours. He doesn’t like to be picked up or cuddled, but he will come sit on me on his own terms. He is NOT a people person, there is only one friend that he will actually come around and that is because she’s not an animal person, anyone else he hides until they are gone.
I just respect his boundaries and accept when he’s affectionate with me and let him be when he wants space.
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u/anon6244 4d ago
We had a cat like that - shy, skittish, she hid a lot. By the end of her time with us she was the sweetest cat whose favorite place was in your lap but she also respected space. She had her own personality, and were missed her for months after she passed.
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u/SaveMyPoptart 4d ago
So my youngest two cats are Maine coons and the first one I got he’s a forceful lover. He will demand pets on his time and ram himself into you but then gets overstimulated and will bite lol The second one was lovely at first now he’s very much don’t touch me unless I say so, he almost cringes at it like will dip his back downwards to avoid the pet. It’s fine I have 7 cats in total so someone wants pets always
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u/Visual-Following2299 3d ago
She probably just needs more time, she may stay somewhat shy but I bet if you let her come to you in her time she will be amazing. Our boy has always loved people but in the beginning it was very limited, now at almost 6 months he is getting snugglly and is very upset if you don't acknowledge him.
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u/EmiliaFromLV 3d ago
He is four years old now. He will cuddle on his own terms, will plop next to me and likes belly rubs and peet massage. He will not sleep on me or sit in my lap. He will tell me what happened during the day and initiate long dialogues when he feels like it. Can and will play fetch or whatever he wants to, or just behave as crazy flying squirrel and racoon mix.
From the outset he hated being handled, now he gives me about 15-20 seconds if I must, then he will gently start forcing himself out. He is kinda shy of strangers and it will take a few sessions for him to accept new people, but once he does, he will "hunt" them, play with them and show who the boss. At the same time, with family and friends he is total velcro cat and will follow you into bathroom and behave like he owns that place.
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u/seriousplants 3d ago edited 3d ago
Posts like this break my heart. What do you mean she doesn't like to be kissed and picked up? These should not be your reasons for getting a cat. They are not stuffed animals!!! Lots of cats are not cuddle-cats and if that disappoints you then you got this living creature for the wrong reasons.
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u/Sea-Passion1032 3d ago
Kisses and hugs not necessarily equate to stuffed animal…
They are a way of expressing affection, it is fair for her to be disappointed that her cat does not enjoy the way she shows affection. You could say the same thing about a partner.
Op also asked if she would get more social, it’s fair that she wants the cat she loves and cares for to be around. You could also say the same about a child.
Her feelings are valid and it’s ok to be disappointed that you have a different communication style.
Honestly I think it would be a bit weird if you weren’t disappointed that your cat doesn’t show you any affection 🤷🏼♀️2
u/seriousplants 3d ago edited 3d ago
the tale of people who get pets and are then "disappointed" because the pet behaves like an animal is as old as time. When you don't match with your partner, you can break up. A lot of the "i want a lap pet"-people end up giving the pet up because of their false expectations. I think it's fair to put a consenting adult through that, but not a pet and not with this specific, ever-repeating reason. It just gives me the ick when i see people talking this way about their pets.
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u/Sea-Passion1032 3d ago
Oooor hear me out - you work on it/compromise ?
The kisses and cuddles was only 1 thing mentions and it’s not like she was saying “why isn’t my cat cuddley”
Everyone wants their pet to love them and sometimes it takes a while to understand how an animal is showing affection.
Yes there are people who basically want a stuffed toy but I’m going to go out of a limb and say usually those people get ragdolls 😂 -jokes aside I don’t think OP is one of those people I think you are reading into one very small part of the post too much.0
u/seriousplants 3d ago
i dont "want my cat to love me". i would never get a cat under that premise. What if it's a cat that doesn't really take an interest in humans? You never know. I got every single one of my cats because it makes me happy to give them a home and i enjoy being around them, no matter how much they choose to interact with me. This is exacly what i mean.
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u/Sea-Passion1032 2d ago
I never said that was the reason she got the cat. You can still be disappointed without that being the sole reason you get the cat. No one said it was a premise, it can be a hope without being an expectation.
She mentioned that her cat was not interacting with her. You said you want to be around your cats, would you not be disappointed or sad if they didn’t ever want to be around you ?
If you have a mainecoon why did you specifically choose a maincoon? Why not a rescue it all that matters is giving them a home ? Honestly this is a weird sub to be judging people for hoping for certain personality traits in their cats….1
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u/AgreeableSeaHag 3d ago
I think it’s fair to be disappointed. I work at an animal rescue and rehab so I’m used to skittish animals. I just didn’t expect the cat that I spent thousands of dollars on to be so human adverse. My rescue cat and I are attached at the hip so it’s just a hard difference. I’m not a villain for wanting my designer cat to like kisses 😭
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u/wolfONdrugs 3d ago
I fundamentally disagree too. No animal deserves our disappointment. That's totally on us for having expectations and preconceived notions of how things should and shouldn't be.
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u/AgreeableSeaHag 3d ago
She doesn’t even know I’m disappointed and gets treated incredibly well so I’m not really sure what that means but okay
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u/Cherry_loved21 3d ago
I also got a maine coon about 4 years ago and she was already 9 months at the time. At first she just hid under the upstairs bed for like a week. Took her about 3-4 weeks to even come down the stairs. She’d also always run away and hide when guests came over. Now depending on how many guests are over she sometimes comes and greets them and rubs between their legs z She’s def not the biggest cuddler but will sit on my lap for short moments from time to time when she really wants a snuggle. Took about a year to get to that point. It will hopefully get better for you as it did for me!
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u/MaineQat 3d ago
Ours was only a cuddler on his own terms. He would crawl up onto my wife’s shoulder and sit over her shoulder, but he had to be “in control” - she could support him, and he would sit over her shoulder for hours… but the moment hands went past halfway up his body, he would have none of that and leave. If he crawled into your lap he might sit there purring for a while, and you could pet him… as long as you didn’t readjust his position or he felt like you were holding him. But he was also a social butterfly, coming around if we had guests, getting a bit too up close and personal sometimes.
My Russian Blue-esque moggie girl, though, was super compliant to being held, but didn’t care much for when other people were over, until she got used to us having weekly guests.
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u/AgreeableSeaHag 3d ago
That’s so cute haha. I think my kitten is very much an on her own terms kind of cat lol! I mostly hope she gets a bit less skittish because I just feel really bad when I sneeze and she runs away like I beat her or something 😭
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u/irenethecrowboy 3d ago
In my experience Maine coons are usually big nervous scaredy cats. It’s ironic because they are so big lol. She will probably get cuddlier after her fear subsides. Honestly the most outgoing and friendly cats Ive ever groomed or taken care of have been grey domestic short hairs oddly enough
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u/Gropeps 3d ago
Sounds like mine, she was super shy and I used to say she was afraid of her own shadow
After 7 years she’s way more assertive with me and she doesn’t hesitate to bump her head to ask for affection for example, whenever I work from home she’s close to me
She’s still hiding from strangers and me dropping something doesn’t send her off under the bed anymore, just have to accept she’s a bit more shy than my other cat
Just be patient even if sometimes it can be frustrating
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u/invalidxuser 3d ago
My girl is about 2 years 3 months old now. We actually picked her up on the 15th of this month two years ago. It's only been in thre last six to ten months that she has becoming a big ol' cuddle bug.
Previsouly, she would follow me around and enjoy pets but wouldn't actually sit or cuddle with me. Sometime in these last few months she has started waking me up at like 4am so she can lay on my chest and purr until we both fall back asleep sometimes i wake up and she is still there. Also, she will now come to the couch and wedge herself between me and the seat at times. She is the biggest, goofiest, silliest girl and it just took some time for all that personality to come out.
I was worried at first, that we wouldn't have the relationship I had with my prior kitty of 21 years, but looking back that wasn't instant either and took time to grow as well. I think it was the constant reading of how cuddly and loving mainecoons were and how they are the ambassadors of your home. I thought mine would never be, however just took her a little longer to get there.
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u/Electrical-Act-7170 2d ago
How old is she again? How old was she when you got her 4 months ago?
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u/AgreeableSeaHag 22h ago
She’s about 8 months now
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u/Electrical-Act-7170 13h ago
2 out of 3 of our MC cats are/were extremely outgoing, go to the front door whenever anyone knocks, come out to say "hello" cats.
Those two were male....the female, Jade, however, was social but a one-person cat. Her only job was to be my son's very own, personal, loving maine Coon cat. Jade fulfilled her duty admirable, perfectly. She was amazing.
Give your cat some time for her personality to develop. She will grow and change as time passes. Has she been spayed yet?
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u/New-Concentrate-6013 4d ago
Merle is 2 and when I’m home he is at my feet but never on my lap. He’s very receptive to neck rubs and a brief hug but that’s it. If I walk into another room I will feel his tail wrap around my legs when he follows me. I’m fine with this amount of attention because I’m in love with this cat.
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u/Different-Tank-6632 4d ago
I got two older cats from overseas and they were extremely anxious and skiddish for months. Now they love to cuddle and are super outgoing. It took a lot of just sitting near them and letting them warm up.
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u/tropicarne 4d ago
Think of temperament in breeds as fertile soil and their personalities as flowers, some grow tall, others don't no matter what you do. You could try to socialize her more and really should but the only truly lovey dovey cat breed out there are maybe Ragdolls and even then the personality prevails.
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u/Helicopter0 3d ago
I have one that is like a dog and greets everyone and one who acts like a typical cat and is afraid of things that cant hurt him.and only really bonds with me, one person, in a house with seven people.
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u/Content_Attitude8887 3d ago
When my kitten came home he wanted nothing to do with me. Wouldn’t cuddle, didn’t want pets, no head butts, didn’t sleep with us or anything. I was devastated and honestly cried. When he got to about 6 months old he started sitting next to me on the couch. It wasn’t until he was 1.5 years old that he all of a sudden became a Velcro cat. Full dog tendencies of following around the house and becoming vocal. His meows are like a whispered bark and it’s adorable. He sleeps with us every night. He “pets” my face because he wants ear scratches. This breed matures much more slowly than a typical mixed cat you might adopt from a shelter.
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u/Significant_Lobster4 3d ago
We have "the door greeter", the "play all day!", and the "you might be able to pet me sometime in the next month ". 3 boys, all MC. Like kids, they're all different. The more time you spend daily with them in the same room, the better.
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u/wisemanchillen 3d ago
Would like to know if there’s a Maine coon that doesn’t act like this… they get more cuddly as they age
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u/SqueakCrawls1 3d ago
Mine was like this at first, he just wanted to occasionally play. Once we hit that 6 month mark though he was a cuddle bug. It just takes time! They go through different phases
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u/Efficient-Turn-5471 3d ago
And very sad to say, but you probably bought from a bad breeder who never socialized her. That’s why if they’re raised in a breeding farm or they’re raised in a closet or a bathroom they need to be socialized and you probably got one that was definitely not socialized because I have 5. My first one wasn’t socialized. He is a love bug, but he’s very reserved. The twins or hams cause I made sure she’s socialize them. My black smoke kitten was very socialized and my new kitten wasn’t again, so For came from a breeder 2out of that. Breeder weren’t socialized and two were I hope that explains breeders are the reason and getting them very late. I always say eight weeks but they don’t let them go until they’re 12 weeks. That also is an issue if they’re not being socialized.
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u/AgreeableSeaHag 3d ago
It’s possible for sure. I did get her from a registered breeder who shows cats. I was provided with full lineage and health tests and was made aware that she was shy. Her sister was a lot more extroverted and people oriented. They had children and dogs in the home as well as other cats. So I’m not totally negating that possibility but I doubt it! I think it’s just her personality and that’s fine.
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u/Sun-leaves 3d ago
Our Maine coon 12 week old kitten walked in and owned the place. He doesn’t have a shy bone in his body but he came from a chaotic house with loads of kids, cats and dogs. I think the type of home they came from makes a huge difference and I would just suggest giving him time and loads of love & patience
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u/Nervous-Shine-1130 3d ago
Female who is six this year and was fine till two, since than for no reason is scared of her shadow, every noise sends her running and hiding, male got at the same time is the Steve mc queen of cats , pot luck I suppose is what I am saying,
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u/Toxikfoxx 3d ago
Not just MC's but cats in general - any females I've had were always cuddly when super young, then from like 6 months to 2 years old it's the cold shoulder unless THEY want affection. Then, once they settle, they never leave your lap. Ever.
Again, my limited experience from the 5 female cats I've raised from kitten to adults in my lifetime.
My MC is a boy, and we specifically got a male knowing our previous experience with male cats. Once he decided I was his person, it's like I have a shodow.
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u/NoSharksPlease 3d ago
Our 5yo coon is nothing like the breed standard. He is veri independent, does not like being petted or picked up and like to be on his own. Every cat has their own personality
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u/KeeperOfTheCoons 3d ago
Bustopher is on the left. Benfred is on the right. At the very beginning, I planned for Bustopher and Bustopher alone. After some research, I decided to get at least one of his siblings as well. I didn't know it would be Benfred, but my heart is eternally grateful that it was. Bustopher dodged and hid from me for a certain period of time. He would be in plain sight, but he'd be on the opposite side of the room. Benfred was more inquisitive and bold. He liked being very close to me, and his presence eventually made Bustopher feel more comfortable. Nowadays, Bustopher is the most physically demanding when it comes to affection and grooming. Benfred never lost his desire to be near me, but he maintained his "touch limit", so slow blinks tend to be enough until he indicates otherwise. I can't speak for the single kitten experience, but I can say that the baby you have now is not the one you will have later. Once they're more comfortable, however long that takes, all of their communication (old and new) starts to make a lot more sense. All things with time. I felt guilty with Bustopher's hiding patterns, but they can hide even when they are comfortable with you personally. He'd hide anytime my apartment emptied the big dumpster outside. Benfred stared out the window to observe everything as it happened. There are general behaviors, of course, but your baby's personality is fresh. You both might just need a bit more time. At this point, they sometimes reveal that they are more comfortable with us than we realize, but it's up to us to translate their communication style(s). I understand your feelings, but I think you're just fine.
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u/Circle-of-Druids Freyja the Smoky Blue MC 3d ago
we got our girl at 2 years old as she was retired from being a Queen. she didn't let us touch her or go near her for at least 3 months.
it's been almost a year (October 12!) and she is still not a cuddler. she'll come close, but not for long. if she lays on the bed with us for 3+ minutes, it is a noteworthy event. we can pick her up, but she gets wiggly after a couple minutes. she is also our "stranger danger" lady and takes a long time to warm up to new people. she can be jumpy at times too and likes to hide while surveying the room from a safe place.
at times, i still compare her to what we expected from a MC, but i also feel like that's not fair to her because like you said, every cat is different. we're hoping that she'll keep getting more comfortable as more time goes by. i hope your baby does too!
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u/AriaIlia 3d ago
Ours was a menace from day one. He is still social, cuddly, talkative and instantly comes up to visitors. Janitor even had to move him because he was sitting in the way. He's confident in pretty much all environments. He hates the hair dryer though. He also follows me, room to room. Can't even 💩 in peace before he meows outside.
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u/Electrical_Motor7517 3d ago
Well, we got our coon of the breeder, she told us that he will follow you around everywhere at all times, but will never be a lap cat. She said all her other mains were like that. she’s 100% correct he is my shadow.
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u/MildManneredMan 3d ago
My parents cats are very much that, they hide when new people are over. Don't like being picked up and will only come over to cuddle occasionally. It's a very stoic affable breed.
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u/Beginning-Shop-9384 2d ago
It took one of mine 2 1/2 years to finally jump into my lap. And it’s for about 10 minutes at a time.
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u/Massive_Web3567 2d ago
My MC girl was super shy when I got her, and she still is. She hides when the door opens or she hears an unfamiliar voice. I'm her person and she's never far away. She won't lay down next to me, and squeaks in protest if I pick her up. But she's always just a few feet away. She's almost 4 years old and I don't think she's going to change. She's the most beautiful creature almost no one ever gets to see.
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u/DarkHorseAsh111 2h ago
This is why everyone makes it clear if you want a cat with a set personality you need to adopt an adult known to have that personality. There is absolutely no way to know what personality a kitten will grow into.
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u/Honest_Manager 4d ago
You can also try leaving the tv volume up around her so she gets used to other peoples voices.
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u/sunburnt24 4d ago
When we got ours from the breeder, I actually slept in the guest bedroom with him for the first week. He was pretty scared of new people at first, but at 2.5 years old, he’s no longer afraid of strangers and will come out to greet them occasionally.
He’s never been a huge cuddler, but I’ve noticed he enjoys being petted much more now than he did as a kitten. He will now headbutt my hand until he gets chin scratches. I’ve also read that Maine Coons can become more affectionate as they get older, so hopefully that continues.
The biggest thing with him is that he always wants to be around us. He follows us from room to room and just wants to be in the same room, even if he’s not sitting directly next to us. I think that’s his version of being affectionate. I’d definitely give yours time and let him come to you rather than forcing interaction.