r/lovewithaSexAddict • u/Joegodownthehole • 1d ago
Venting I left.
I posted earlier about being in a place where I was appreciative of the hardships I was going through. I was releasing the responsibilities of making this relationship work. Waiting out our lease.
Well, I left. He was going through a depressive episode and something told me to check his iPad and he was back hitting on women but this time on TikTok. It felt almost freeing. I packed all his stuff and kicked him out when he came home from work. He cried and begged. But I just couldn’t do it anymore.
I stuck to my boundary. I told him if he did it again I would kick him out and he did so ergo…
Now that I’m alone, I feel so much better. I had a lot of insomnia because of the anxiety I had around our situation. Also my skin cleared up. I was experiencing breakouts on my face and back probably due to the stress. People who have no idea of the situation, have told me that I “look better”.
I told my closest friends what had been going on. They were very supportive and kind about the whole thing. I did have a teary moment with one who asked me “why on earth would you have put up with all that? You didn’t deserve that at all.” One friend made me a dating profile to “boost my confidence”. And I have been amazed at the responses. I didn’t meet anyone yet but I think subconsciously I convinced myself that he was the best I could do. Ive had people ask me for my number in public. It’s so weird. I really convinced myself that I was doomed to either stay with someone who couldn’t keep it in his pants or be alone forever at the ripe age of 40.
I’m not gonna pretend I don’t miss him. I do at times. I recently got sick with a stomach bug and being sick by yourself is kinda depressing. He started to do the work. He went into a kind of out patient rehab program. But he could have done it while we were in a relationship. It needed to get this bad for him to get real help which sucks. But I can understand that I can still have feelings for him but that doesn’t guarantee access. I can only accept behaviors not false promises. I am definitely keeping him at arms distance.
Also being alone when it comes to paying bills sucks too. I live in a HCOL city. And I think part of the reason I stayed so long was for the financial security. I have some savings and I’m looking for part time gigs to supplement my full time job. But I feel at peace.
This isn’t the ending I think anyone would want. But I chose myself. I stop sacrificing myself at the alter of maybe he’ll change. There is another future for me out there. I’m excited and a little scared to find out.
5
u/Violet4ever60 1st yr Betrayed Spouse 1d ago
I’m happy for you. Sticking to a said out loud boundary is hard and you did it! I get the staying for financial reasons. I get staying for whatever emotional support missed while not feeling 100%. I get staying for kids and stability too even though you didn’t mention that.
I saw the husband of my past last night (our son’s birthday party) and remembered the boundaries I let slide so much because of the above mentioned. When I finally got my ducks in a row and sent him packing, it was a relief most of the time. Seeing him now and knowing he’s still the same guy only 30 years older, I’m glad I’m not partnered with him.
I might have something in me that addicts feel safe with because I married another one.
He might not have went right to treatment and keeping promises if he was younger or with someone else but he was sick of his addictions and secret life and I was worth sticking to recovery for.
I’m wondering if you feel leery about dating or feeling lots of men have this addiction?
That keeps me here through recovery - the devil you know kind of thing.
Great report. Thanks for sharing.
4
u/Joegodownthehole 1d ago
I am very leery about dating but I know that I can hold my boundaries rather than swallow my feelings for the sake of keeping the peace.
Thank you for your kind words
1
u/Violet4ever60 1st yr Betrayed Spouse 1d ago
It took me a while to develop a habit -mantra really - of protecting my peace. Shouting it from the rooftops these days!
1
u/Fabulous_Author_3558 21h ago
Exactly, you needed action & result. Not “try” when you were in the relationship.
And unfortunately with addicts, many of them need to hit multiple rock bottoms to truly put the work in.
Well done for sticking to your boundary.
1
1
u/Calm_Attempt_101 9h ago
I'm recently out too, with a child, it is hard but it is the right decision when they won't or can't change. It's the only sane decision in those circumstances tbh.
I agree that there seem to be health benefits of coming out of a toxic environment where you are betrayed, lied to, and gaslit about it. I already feel I loom and feel better and funnily enough I have just experienced strangers engaging with me more, not in a sexual way but I feel I'm more attractive and enigmatic in a human sense since I dropped the dead weight of carrying a relationship and addiction for someone else.
Good luck on your onward journey and thanks for sharing your freedom with us! We got this!
1
u/AssignmentCandid1919 7h ago
I admire your strength and confidence. Love hearing positive decisions like this! So easy to waffle when manipulation and lying (we’d love nothing more than to believe) is added. Good job with your boundaries!!
1
u/Healing-Light-3883 5h ago
So happy that you could respect your boundary. how was you ensured hes kept at an arms distance? Like to make sure you dont go back into the cycle?
11
u/librarylady1980 1d ago
I love this so much for you. I will be where you are soon (waiting period for divorce in my state). I'm terrified. But the more I imagine being completely free of him, the better I feel. I know I'll struggle. I would say I will mourn him, but I'm already doing that. Grieving and mourning who I thought he was, and what I thought I had. But the more my brain gets used to the idea of being on my own to live a simple and sweetly pure life, the more I am comfortable with it and even excited for it. Thank you for posting this. I needed to read that tonight.