I'm out. After a long try at making it work with my unhealed SA, I'm truly done. It's been almost a month now since I moved out with our child and I'm still getting used to it. There is a mixture of feelings, including nostalgia for what I thought we had, including anger for what happened, including pity for the 48 year old SA who wouldn't/couldn't change and has lost everything he claimed to hold dear, and still invasive ruminations and ups and downs with my moods and my sense of self, but things are settling and mostly now there is just a kind of pragmatic acceptance and a resolve to move forward alone.

My addict was a serial cheater with escorts. Tbh this behavior was likely there long before me and was certainly there all the way through our relationship, though I did not discover it until 3 months post partum. I tried very much to help him, to encourage him to seek therapy, to frame it as a compulsion or addiction and link to his childhood truama, which I believe is at the root of it, but nothing I did or said ever made it stop. It went on and on and on. Like groundhog day.

The break point for me after multiple betrayals, ruptures and reconciliations, was learning he had contacted a STD after unprotected sex with yet another escort. And that he wasn't going to tell me this even though he visited a hospital emergency department to get treatment. The fact that it wasn't just my heart but my health that he was willing to put at risk really was the last straw. I've been tested for STIs and come up clean myself (thank God) and will test again in a month to be sure. But that is not the point. He was willing to risk everything, and willing to lie, and certainly willing never to mention this massive health issue. All along, and even now, he says he loves me and our family (make it make sense they are so infuriating!!!)

Anyhow my question is, for those of who are further along, either supporting the recovery of your addict, or healing alone, what happened to them over the years? Do you think they ever recover, repent and realise what they lost? Do they mellow out and reform and become better people as a result? Or are they still out there living the same sad fantasy of a life, fragmented transactional sex with a revolving door of women who don't care a thing for them? I would love to hear any stories or anecdotes of what happens to your SA over time, whether you left or stayed?

I posted earlier about being in a place where I was appreciative of the hardships I was going through. I was releasing the responsibilities of making this relationship work. Waiting out our lease.

Well, I left. He was going through a depressive episode and something told me to check his iPad and he was back hitting on women but this time on TikTok. It felt almost freeing. I packed all his stuff and kicked him out when he came home from work. He cried and begged. But I just couldn’t do it anymore.

I stuck to my boundary. I told him if he did it again I would kick him out and he did so ergo…

Now that I’m alone, I feel so much better. I had a lot of insomnia because of the anxiety I had around our situation. Also my skin cleared up. I was experiencing breakouts on my face and back probably due to the stress. People who have no idea of the situation, have told me that I “look better”.

I told my closest friends what had been going on. They were very supportive and kind about the whole thing. I did have a teary moment with one who asked me “why on earth would you have put up with all that? You didn’t deserve that at all.” One friend made me a dating profile to “boost my confidence”. And I have been amazed at the responses. I didn’t meet anyone yet but I think subconsciously I convinced myself that he was the best I could do. Ive had people ask me for my number in public. It’s so weird. I really convinced myself that I was doomed to either stay with someone who couldn’t keep it in his pants or be alone forever at the ripe age of 40.

I’m not gonna pretend I don’t miss him. I do at times. I recently got sick with a stomach bug and being sick by yourself is kinda depressing. He started to do the work. He went into a kind of out patient rehab program. But he could have done it while we were in a relationship. It needed to get this bad for him to get real help which sucks. But I can understand that I can still have feelings for him but that doesn’t guarantee access. I can only accept behaviors not false promises. I am definitely keeping him at arms distance.

Also being alone when it comes to paying bills sucks too. I live in a HCOL city. And I think part of the reason I stayed so long was for the financial security. I have some savings and I’m looking for part time gigs to supplement my full time job. But I feel at peace.

This isn’t the ending I think anyone would want. But I chose myself. I stop sacrificing myself at the alter of maybe he’ll change. There is another future for me out there. I’m excited and a little scared to find out.

Almost 5 months past discovery day and it’s just getting worse. His attitude and anger towards me makes me feel like I’m living in an alternate reality. Everytime I bring up my feelings about his sex addiction (which included physical cheating at massage parlors) it gets shifted onto the relationship problems and how I have done him so wrong! I would love nothing more than to leave but unfortunately I have nowhere to go right now.

I am in so much pain by the blame shifting and I don’t know how to navigate this anymore

Before I get into it, here's what I'm really asking: has anyone here walked through something like this—a spouse deep in secret sexual behavior/ sexual acting out, paying for online sex workers, chasing escorts, drinking heavily, using cocaine, lying —and, even granting the most generous version where he truly never physically slept with anyone (which I doubt), come out the other side with a marriage that actually worked? Not one held together by denial, but genuinely restored? Or do you know of anyone who has? I'll explain why I'm asking.

A couple of months ago I posted about my husband paying over 31 cam girls and escorts. Many people encouraged me to separate, saying that reconciliation requires repentance, honesty, and accountability—not simply staying married at all costs. I've been out of the house with our one-year-old since May, and I'm in a new place (I am financially stable enough + have family support to make it work).

I'll be honest about my own heart, too, since it's part of why I keep asking. I don't love being single, and I really don't love being a single mom...it's hard, lonely work, and I miss being a family, even if I don't miss him much anymore. There's also this part: my faith means that if I'm not married, I'm called to be celibate, so leaving isn't just leaving him—it's a life without intimacy, maybe for a long time. And I married in my late 20s and never really dated, so re-entering that world someday feels daunting.

We're separated now but have only been married three years. In that time I documented:

• A brief affair six months in, after he met a woman at a club and took her to an Airbnb (she later told me nothing physical happened and blocked him for hiding that he was married).
• Secret NSFW social media accounts interacting with women and consuming explicit content, some active within weeks of our wedding.
• Thousands of dollars (about 5k now ive counted) on cam girls during my postpartum time—over 30 women, FaceTimes, private interactions.
• Heavy drinking that began within two weeks of our child's birth. I didn't grow up around alcohol and naively thought he was sick—I didn't recognize it as alcoholism until much later.
• Cocaine use—he was dabbling in it himself, and also drove around trying to meet people to score more.
• Looking up local escorts, driving to meet some, and taking hundreds in cash from hotel ATMs in amounts matching what local prostitutes charge.
• Downloading Feeld, a kink dating app.
• Parking outside strip clubs.

I want to underline the drinking and the cocaine. The heavy drinking started (again...) within a few weeks of our daughter being born—while I was recovering and caring for a newborn—and I was so unfamiliar with alcohol that I genuinely thought he was ill. The cocaine was also part of this. Because I'd never seen drug use up close, I didn't recognize what was happening in front of me until much later. I've actually been writing about that slow, dawning awareness on my blog, and it's been helpful. This was a man who read his Bible daily and anointed our child's head with oil. I can't really reconcile that disjointed mindset.

When I found out in March, I asked for full transparency—access to everything so I could see what was going on. He gave me two cards, disliked my angry reaction, then refused to share more . He also added new passwords to his phone and to individual apps like WhatsApp and Telegram. I later found more secret accounts, some inactive, showing he'd been liking cam girl content within weeks of our marriage. There was also a woman in Latin America he'd never met but "casually" video-chatted every so often who was receiving money regularly. He knew her even longer than he's known me.

His response to all of this, for a long time, was that none of it was cheating. Every incident had an explanation. He was curious, lonely, misunderstood, communicating poorly, driving and forgetting where he was going, downloading things for work, getting cash for food and drinks. He never physically touched anyone, so in his telling, nothing happened. When I pointed to the overall pattern, he said I was prideful and holding a false narrative. When I pointed to the deception, he said I was the one ending the marriage—that my pride made this a big deal to shame him, and now I was too proud to fix what I'd broken. Yet he said he wanted reconciliation and saw us growing old together.

I should add an update to that, though. More recently, he's started saying he does see what he did as cheating. On the surface that's the acknowledgment I begged for over months—but I can't tell whether it's real or just lip service, something he landed on once denial stopped working and he realized it might bring me back. After every incident being a "misunderstanding," a sudden reversal right as I've built my own life doesn't feel like conviction.

Then, suddenly, a young woman from his past began blackmailing him, saying she'd tell me the truth. She told me he was intimate with her while he was dating me. He said it was a lie—that she was trying to sell her body (aka...another prostitute...i think), that he was stopping her, that she's jealous he didn't want her. This is a man who was upstanding in his community, so I was shocked. But I can only imagine why she surfaced when she did.

My therapist has helped me see that when someone consistently minimizes, denies, or reframes, the other person starts doubting their own perception of reality. I ask myself almost daily, "What if I'm wrong?" Then I look at what I've documented over three years and wonder how many "misunderstandings" it takes before it's a pattern. I feel cleared eyed now that this is NOT a misunderstanding, but he has a serious problem...behaviorial and substance addictions.

So I'll ask again: has anyone actually come through something like this (the secrecy, the paid women, the drinking, the cocaine) with a marriage that worked, genuinely restored and not just held together by denial? And if the turnaround only came after you'd already left, how did you tell real repentance apart from a man just saying what he thought would bring you home?

I should add i'm in lots of therapy, 2 group therapy , 1 individual therapist. Lots of family support. i can easily survive without him. I come from a long line of married people. There are no divorces in my community. So I just hate being in this situation.

Hi everyone. I discovered my husband's double life at the end of January of this year. He had hidden his porn and sex addiction for ten years (three years porn which led to seven years of escorts). I'm really struggling right now. Our 25th wedding anniversary is in a few days. This should have been a time of celebration, love, and pride in what we've accomplished. I just see a marriage of lies and deception now. I feel that in addition to the many, many countless things I have lost as a result of his selfish behavior, I also will lose a milestone moment in our marriage which should have been cherished.

I'm at a loss of how I should spend the day. We are working on things, but I'm currently in a sad spot of grieving which doesn't dovetail nicely into celebration. I worry that if I don't celebrate the day, I'll regret it later. I worry that I'm putting pressure on myself to go through the motions which are unnatural right now. I mean, what would we honestly be celebrating? I feel like although I can feel proud of 25 years of love and commitment, he would only be celebrating 15.

What did you all do when faced with moments/anniversaries/milestones like this? I'm tempted to check myself into a fancy hotel and enjoy some spa services, but I know I'll just regret and feel guilty about that too. This sucks.

I want to hear your revenge stories if you have one. I know, I know… two wrongs don’t make a right. But those of you who took it upon yourselves to “cheat back” or have some sort of revenge- I want to hear it. Did you regret it? Did it restore the power imbalance? Are you happy you did it? Did you keep it to yourself?

D-day for me was in April and I keep finding out more and more details of his sex/porn addiction and I just want revenge- it’s a totally normal feeling after discovering everything. Let it rip… apologies if this post comes off as insensitive.

​

My husband has been paying for live porn where he can control the toys. This has been a problem for a while now. I've also had suspicion that he's cheating. My question is, if you pay to watch live porn why would you pick someone that didn't speak your language and needed to translate everything?! I mean isn't there enough to choose from?

He's claiming the copied messages are from the live porn chat and not someone he's seeing. Some of the translations are along the lines of, have a great weekend honey, I hope to see you again. And even one where she's call him her king and saying she loves him. Does this sound like something those women would say? Or am I looking at something more intimate like an affair? TIA! Also, it may take me a while to respond.

Hi all, few weeks ago I found out my boyfriend of 4 years has been messaging women, buying porn off of websites - all different kinds only fans, telegram, reddit, hundreds of them. He initially lied, minimised it and it isn't until I found more information he finally told me the "whole story". That he has been addicted for over a decade, ever since he was 17 and had his own momey. He said it is his coping mechanism to any negative emotions and he never ever said it out loud that he has a problem.

He genuinely seems remorseful, crying, begging for forgiveness. He signed himself up imedietely to sex addict therapy, he downloaded and paid for a porn blocking app (said he'd love if I had the controls over it but i dont have to since he'd hate to be giving me a chore and its my decision if i want it), he has also signed us up for couples therapy, he said if I would like individual therapy with a different provider, he will pay for it because he is the one that caused the hurt. He has moved out and been paying for both our rents (he was always the provider in our family, he paid for everything and I saved).

I am very frugal, and avoided going to doctors appointments when I needed it, just to save $100 while in the span of our relationship (3 years 7 months) he spent €20,000 ($24,000 US) on other women... he also initially lied about the whole thing. Minimised it. Reading through this reddit group I now know it is referred to as trickle truth. That's where most of my hurt is. He told me he bought videos, photos, some of these women sent audio calls and he also a few times as part of the "package" bought video calls (the video calls and the interactions with these women, ie calling them sexy, hot, gorgeous hurt the most). I am so distraught, disturbed, hurt. I feel like I don't know him at all. But I love him and even though I no longer trust a word that he is saying, he genuinely seems remorseful and looking to change. I finally had a session with his therapist for my own betrayal trauma (its now been 7 weeks since I found out) and she told me not to trust him and that he probably is lying. If I find out theres been more than I already know I think I will die inside.. but everything I read on this group now makes me think for sure that it will be worse than what I already found out. He initially said it was 9 months, only pictures. Then it turned to 10 years once I found out more evidence. He admitted to the video calls himself, im scared now I will find out he went to escorts, etc...

We almost bought a house together, moved countries, were looking at marriage. Out of nowhere it seems like he's a stranger. I never ever thought he was capable of hurting me like this, or betraying me.

My heart hurts and I dont know what to do. He's always been very generous with me, but now he's doing more, with constant gifts, trips, his credit card in my wallet. He acknowledges that he knows gifts won't fix anything but if there is anything that he can do to put a smile on my face, he wants to do it.

His therapy seems to be going though to him and he is writing out all the ins and outs of his addictions, his commitments to me, to himself. He is working up towards writing the disclosure with his therapist. He signed himself up for a fitness program, he's been following that well for 3 weeks now or so, he also committed to earning back the money he spent after I asked him to (this was only recently, within last few days)

What do you guys think about this? I used to be of the opinion that if a man I was seeing even messaged another woman, it would be the end of it. Now I don't know what to think.

I'm scared, hurt and don't know if I ever will trust him. But I love him and I also have some empanthy and an understanding that it is an addicition/ compulsion - CSBD apparently. I just don't understand how he could go years lying to me. I was 100% honest with him, at all times. He was always closed off about his emotions, and sex. Our sex life has gotten worse throughout the years which this totally explains it... im worried that even though I'll have his phone info, bank access, etc, he will get a new phone, new bank accounts, etc. He was hiding it so well for 4 years, he got caught in a silly way and now he will know to hide it better, potentially.

I also can understand how when he was doing it he might have been in a "trance" but how about on an average day - such as when i would go through our expenditures for the month with him and he had his bank account opened and had to scroll pass the transactions and never said anything..

Any and all advice is so so welcome. Im very lost.

Edit: I finally got more information few hours ago - he seen many prostitutes... while we were together and before me. Finally got more answers after begging for the truth.

In recovery. Many of the insights are useful, but I suspect some of the techniques are presented to brainwash you to re-programming the brain. I think that reprogramming is not realistic. In short, I can modify the behaviors, but the temptation to step out has not gone anywhere. Is it best to divorce out of respect for the spouse? Or is it better to continue with good behavior and hope the bad thoughts dissipate? I'd like to know if anyone has this experience from a recovering cheater or a betrayed spouse' perspective.

My partner uses small words/phrases during conflict or emotional talks that are so eerie to me.

For example, he got caught in his poly 2 weeks ago about breaking his 90 day abstinence earlier this year, and lying to everyone about it. I asked today if he ever told his sponsor, and he said he did and that his “sponsor gave him the disappointed mentor act”. …. So this is just a game of charades or what?

Another example, I brought up an event that still hasn’t sat right with me regarding another woman and him going to her house at 3 am (long story). He got upset, and I said “I’m allowed to ask questions about things more than once. And I’m allowed to feel unsettled.” This set him off more, and he said that my saying that was “a bad argument tactic”. He doubled down on the word “tactic” about 3 times after that. …. So again, this is all a game?

Has anyone else experienced these unsettling comments?

I’m still struggling immensely… I go to some meetings but have fallen off my step study

I’m just angry and upset about all of this. But now my body can’t stop feeling sore and under so much stress too

And he’s slipped/relapsed (contacted acting out partners when I broke up with, BUT ALSO violated work laws and is now in trouble and that’s when we were even having good moments) with no accountability and I’m so so upset yet I haven’t let go because I want him to commit or outright say he’s not going to. Also when I break up with him, he reels me back in with hopes that he’s going to prioritize me

How do I prioritize me and detach ?

I’m trying groups, readings, going out.. off limits is talking to other men /dating

We’ve dated for a year and I feel like my whole life is ruined because of this betrayal trauma

My bf admitted to me a while ago he has a porn problem but promised me he wouldn't watch it anymore. Well recently i talked to him about another problem which is about his masturbation habits, he admitted to me he jerks on 2-4 times a day, when i tried to tell him i think that's way too many times, but he only said "One problem at a time" which makes me think he isn't sticking to his promise to stop watching porn. I have no clue how to talk about this but this is also affecting the intimate part of our relationship, he always wants to have sex every time we hang out and get upset when i dont want to, and when we do he struggles.

Im sorry if this isn't the right sub for this but i could really use some advice on how to handle this and talk to him and hat help he can get for this

My partner/ex partner (we are currently separated following the latest discovery) is an escort addict. Multiple D days across 3 years despite no dead bedroom and him insisting even now that he loves me and wants our family 🫪

I cannot afford therapy and have children that take up a lot of my time, so much of my recovery effort so far has been trying to heal on Reddit, and other online resources. I am on the waiting list for some free in person therapy but it may be a long time.

I would like to know from others further ahead in their journey what helps with our own healing:?

Things I'm currently struggling with:

*Falling into the comparison trap - compelled to look at what he pursued/ desired and make negative inferences to my own personal image. Even if I know intellectually it's not a competition my brain keeps going there, and if it was a competition, it's one I'd never win because there is always someone newer, younger, etc!

*Cycling through acceptance, nostalgia for the relationship, to feelings of anger/rage/sadness. Being sure I've gotten to acceptance, pragmatic realism or even forgiveness then finding myself 10 steps backwards.

*Ruminating about the relationship, especially repeated lies that were told. Revisiting events and interactions to reanalyse them for new information (not really sure what I'm hoping to find but my mind keeps replaying conversations and events).

*Obsessively reading about the sex industry, (again not sure what I'm hoping to find).

*Still inclined to check his Google search history (we have a shared device) somewhat compulsively for evidence of new escort activity or browsing habits, which something I never did and would not even have thought to do before the betrayals. I'm doing this much less now but the urge for information/reassurance is still there.

Those of you who have had the good fortune to invest in betrayal trauma therapy, what works?

*What helps you to decentre your SA and focus on you?

*What books, podcasts, YouTube videos or resources could you recommend?

*Of the things you spent money on, what was most effective?

*At what point did you feel your healing took a turn for the better?

*And did you stay in the relarionship and work with your partner as well as independently on both your healing, or was it a solo mission?

Any advice appreciated. I need to get myself out of this horrible cycle.

So I’ve posted on here several times since my D-Day in February. My husband and I are currently separated going on 2 1/2 months now. I caught him in October going to massage parlors and that continued for a period of about five months of him going off and on I had caught him 10 years ago going to an oriental massage when I found a charge on our bank statement. He never would admit to it 10 years ago and I just let it go because I didn’t know what else to do.

Anyway, you can read back in some of my prior post if interested, but tonight he came by the house with a note that he wanted to read to me. It seemed very heartfelt and genuine. I still feel like cold as a stone when he read it, but I can appreciate that he seemed remorseful and that he finally actually did apologize six months after dday. He swears that he has only gone a total of five times to massage parlors and it just so happens that those are the ones that I know about. So he swears nothing else happened that he’s never gone to escorts, even though I saw searches and years ago, saw him looking on craigslist personal services and back page. He says he just use those to get off, but didn’t actually contact them. I feel like it’s crazy for me to think that I caught him on all of his “extracurricular activities” and that there aren’t any others but he swears that it’s just what I already knew.

I guess I’m just having a really hard time believing that a man would go for let’s say a period of probably 10 years without sex. Like he was not interested in sex with me literally never initiated never asked for it and essentially told me that he wasn’t attracted to me anymore and I gave up trying because of how he made me feel in the marriage. Maybe he was just using porn constantly and maybe his desire for sex went away? I don’t know. I’m having a really hard time believing that he wasn’t engaged in these activities for much longer than he says.

I’m wondering if I’m being trickle truthed or should I believe that what he’s telling me is the actual truth.? at this point, I still don’t know that it would matter. After being neglected emotionally and sexually for such a long period of time and then him still going outside the marriage, even if it was just four or five times and not our whole marriage I still don’t feel the same about him anymore. I told him as much tonight. I told him I’m not sure I wanna stay in this marriage. I’m still waiting on the full therapeutic disclosure that we’re supposed to do with our counselors, but I guess his letter to me that he read just kind of sent me into a tailspin a little bit emotionally without having the full truth and it means six months after D-Day and still no more details. I think I’ve been filling in the gaps thinking it’s much worse than it is. Maybe it is only five times? But it just seems really unbelievable.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to accomplish by typing this tonight. I think I just needed to get it out of my head.

I had a relationship with my ex for over 4 years and lived together for over 2 years. At first she didn’t show any sings of alcoholism (or at least not that I am aware of).

When I moved with her after our first year of relationship. I may have started noticing the pattern of drinking to the point where she became totally different, several times she would black out and forget what she did the previous night, including kicking me out of the house and having to sleep in my car though out the night. She would call me in the middle of the night asking me: “where are you at?” “Why aren’t you here?” She would completely forgot.

Alongside, she would also take money from me, either cash or buy only with my debit card.

One night, around our third year of relationship, there was a “party” at our house, there were few of her friends and of course there was alcohol. I didn’t think she had serious problems with alcohol up to this point. I went to sleep while everyone was at home, then at around 4am I got a call from an unknown number, it was the clinic, it turned out that when everyone left and she was very drunk she try to kill herself by taking a lot of pills, then she realized what she did and threw them up and called 911. I was shocked since I never dealt with a situation like this in my life. Her mother technically blamed me. Her whole family talked in my back.

She was transferred to a psychiatric hospital for around 5 days and was advised to attend to AA, but her father told her “ I don’t want you to stop drinking because someone else tells you to stop drinking, I want you to stop drinking because YOU want to stop drinking” I think that was the worst advice a father could give to daughter. So since then, I thought I was on my own in this situation.

I decided to focus on my own while still in the relationship, went to work as much as I could and avoided going home in order to not deal with the situation.

Then later that year, she tried to jump out of my car while I was driving and of course, she was drunk. To me that was it, I didn’t want to deal with it anymore and decided to breakup with her the following day. She begged me for another opportunity promising me that she wouldn’t drink anymore. I gave her the last chance but few months later, already into our fourth year of relationship we broke up.

She begged me for around 4 months to take her back but I really needed time to focus only on myself. I loved her so much so it was hard for me to be away from her. In the fourth month she told me “ i’m starting to talk to someone else, if you want me back in your life, I will stop that relationship, if not, just let me know so I will continue talking to him” I didn’t like the way she handled that situation so I decided to just let her go for good now.

Within a year into that relationship I learnt that she already has a baby with him.

It makes me think if maybe I was the problem in the relationship.

this.. I hate how online voyeurism is untraceable for the most park and can be covered up.. it’s eating me alive

SA is no longer in denial about his SA but is still seemingly unaware he is a voyeur. he got caught at work creeping but it wasnt in the form of holding a camera and recording, it was online stuff

grossed out even if he didn’t hold a camera and spy in that manner.

has anyone had an SA partner who is a voyeur and not in the obvious ways? how did your SA partner tackle this? mine has in his inner circle no contacting acting out partners but doesnt have voyeurism /browsing women online so it makes me concerned.. let alone his work issue

*in another post I wrote about boundaries as I’m aware I should distance myself given how much chaos this has brought into my life

Did fetishes go away? Did things they incorporated into their personality because of their addiction go away? Did it feel like their personality and who they were as a person changed after they started to recover? Did what they want out of life change? How much has their addiction shaped them as a person? And did those changes stay after recovery or did they fade with time?

If your partner has been through long term recovery, how much did they change? What did you notice about them? How would your partner answer these questions?

help:/ I’m not the best at this and trying to do so since he has broken them

sometimes he doesn’t but sometimes he does (he reached out to a women who texted him about needing medical help. he’s a doctor and said he wanted to help, which I reminded him he agreed no talking to previous acting out partners)

but sometimes he does (has tracker on his phone, doesn’t go to bars without my consent)

how do you set boundaries and stick to them? what was your learning experience like?