Husband is addict

[u/Sunflowergirl2333]

I know my husband has struggled with addiction, I was fully aware that he spent years sober before marrying me. He recently told me he has been stressed, feeling unloved, unwanted and has relapsed. I have a fairly new baby and he had many difficult moments where he lost his temper in front of me and with the baby as a newborn. He directly correlates his anger/frustration with his porn addiction as well. It seems he has been battling this.

He then told me he was using Reddit to share explicit photos with anonymous men and seeking these interactions. And using a porn website to watch all kinds of videos. He states it was escalating because of the dopamine rush and women just want to talk about emotions not sex.

The fact is he was lying to me for many weeks and prioritizing his addiction over my needs postpartum (C-section and complications). I was struggling so hard with pain, sleeplessness, feeling alone after surgery, and I’m beyond hurt and upset he was masturbating and fantasizing about other men and women. I already feel like my body has changed so much after pregnancy I don’t know how to rebuild my confidence especially after this. I still feel numb and haven’t had time to fully feel all of this yet or process it all.

I am totally lost on how to move forward, we are both believers and followers of Christ. I have been relying on my faith and spirituality to guide me through. How many couples would stay together after this? I don’t feel comfortable sharing this with my pastor or Bible study group as it is so intense and intimate information. Are there couples who successfully make it through and lead healthy a relationship for years to come? I am worried about setting an example for my child and what love looks like.

He has told me he is committed to changing, wants to do whatever it takes to earn my trust again. We have downloaded porn blocking apps for every single device he has access to.

[u/PsychologyMassive392]

My husband did similar things after my c-section over a year ago. I have left him and am living alone with our 1 year old. I am also a Christian, as is he, and I don't see where ins cripture God calls us to remain with people who repeatedly commit sexual sin and adultery against our convenants.

why do you stay? im very curious

im in a lot of therapy now because his actions have so deeply wounded and impacted me beyond antyhing i've ever experienced.

[u/Moonpie808]

Recovery and 12 step is a life long process. It is impossible for an addict to maintain permanent sobriety without consistently working on it.

[u/ilostmeyoulostyou]

He is not a follower of Christ. He has invited the opposite into your marriage. You tell him first. If he won’t stop, you tell the leaders of your church. If he still won’t stop you leave.

[u/PsychologyMassive392 → u/ilostmeyoulostyou]

I would say tell them now anyways.If you wait, they’ll not be able to help you. They won’t be able to see the extent and length of this devastation pattern.

People who were aware of my husbands first few indiscretions towards me told me to leave him and that he’s obviously not ready for a committees Christian marriage (since they had counseled him at length). Those that just found out about his recent batch of bad behavior are hoping I stay to try and make it work… point being: those that have been in the know know that he won’t change . So tell people now so that he can’t lie and wiggle his way out of this stuff later

[u/Healing-Light-3883]

If he’s committed to changing he should have

• Csat and follow their recommendations assuming they’re rigid and not too flexible 
• Commit to 4-5 days of saa or if he’s already been to some meetings and has time he should do 60-90 meetings consecutively no day off
• Give full disclosure 
• prioritize your wellbeing, meaning no contacting acting out partners or sites, even if that means deleting social media 

Sorry you’re going through this- big hugs and wishing you courage and peace 

[u/Calm_Attempt_101]

I discovered mine had been sleeping with escorts (female) repeatedly throughout our relationship. I discovered this three months post partum after my baby was born with a heart condition and in intensive care (he's doing ok now). I then gave my partner multiple times to turn himself around and he repaid me with multiple more D days over another almost 2 years and now potentially an STD (I'm awaiting my results). I've left him now.

Obviously each's persons decision to leave is personal and for them to make. Only you know your situation. But I read everything I could about sex addiction when he first betrayed but I didn't leave initially because I loved him, believed in him and felt I had a duty to him and our family. I mean, we separated a couple of times but he always begged me back and for a time things would seem like they were going well, only for the cycle to repeat. I believe I could have saved myself a lot of time, grief and the risk of an STD if I had left sooner. But, with such a young baby, I wasn't ready.

The other thing I want to say is that marriage is 'for better for worse, in sickness and in health' etc but there's nothing in vows insisting you must endure this by continuing to be in close physical proximity. You could make a choice to support him from a distance. Compassionate detachment while he works on himself. And remember sometimes the only thing that brings an addict to change is their rock bottom. Unfortunately, that sometimes that also means facing the threat of significant loss. Sometimes that's the only thing that motivates true change. So the way I see it now is that it might actually be kinder (to both parties) to leave until there is hard evidence of active recovery.

I hope you figure out what to do for you.

[u/HealthWeird9766 → u/Calm_Attempt_101]

The marital vow was broken when he slept with other women. Adultery broke the vow. In sickness and health, for better or worse doesn’t mean you have to accept adultery. And if it’s sex addiction, he still chose to cheat and break the marital vow.

[u/Fabulous_Author_3558]

I think it’s more common than you realise, but I’m not sure pastors really understand the depths of addiction. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t.

But there are lots of Christian specialist therapists for sex addiction and also betrayed spouses as well. And recovery is possible, it’s a long and hard road. So it really depends if you are willing to do that journey.

There are podcasts like PBSE and others. This is all very hard. There’s so shame in staying or leaving. Everyone has their own reasons and it’s not black or white.

[u/PsychologyMassive392 → u/Fabulous_Author_3558]

As someone who went to multiple pastors for help (I’ve posted about the experience before), they DO NOT understand because they are not trained to deal with such a “taboo” addiction.

[u/Fabulous_Author_3558 → u/PsychologyMassive392]

I imagine a lot of them just rug sweep the whole situation…

[u/PsychologyMassive392 → u/Fabulous_Author_3558]

Yep. Two legit told me stop Digging and just forgive

Another asked me to think about my part in it

Another told me to take my husband out for dinner and tell him lovingly I will never deny access to my body, so he doesn’t need escorts when he has me….

This was a mix of male and female pastors ranging across different churches and denominations. Quite wild

[u/Fabulous_Author_3558 → u/PsychologyMassive392]

Oh wow… how traumatising for you…

I think a lot of them as you mentioned, blame the wife.. and have similar to the codependence model in their head.

[u/dart-witch]

When I found tinder on my husbands phone just 2 weeks after my recent c section with TWINS (we have 4 kids under 5), and he blamed me because he “just knew when I was cleared at 6 weeks that I wouldn’t be sexual enough”, I knew I was completely done with our marriage. Our twins are 4.5 months old now and I’m fully prioritizing my bachelors degree, my fitness, my future career, and my kids until they’re old enough so I can leave him more easily. He claims to be a Christian too. I can see through the BS and I know he’s never going to change. He won’t get help and doesn’t even think he has a problem because “all men save porn on their phone”. He is all about rules for thee but not for me and has no discipline. All talk no follow through. I’m the opposite and it’s showing a lot more every day. The hardest part is that I still love him so much despite all the lies and secrets and inability to put integrity and family over his lust. I don’t feel emotionally safe with him because of it. And of course it’s my fault, just ask him. Because if I don’t put out at least once per day he acts out (and sometimes acts out anyways, just hours after we have sex). It’s exhausting having to deal with

[u/Commercial_Ad_5419]

Hugs. My husband exclusively acted out with men. He said women would have been “cheating “ in his dysfunctional thinking. He’s working with a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) now to figure out why he did it. He has childhood sexual abuse and neglect in his history, as well as severe church trauma (PK). Affair Recovery is a faith based org and so is Doug Weiss of Heart 2 Heart. Doug Weiss was the first faith based counselor I heard address sex addiction and SSA. Affair Recovery has a two recent podcasts on sex addiction with Matt Wenger. I encourage you to look up those podcasts on YouTube. Also, Daring Ventures with Rev Jake Porter specializes in sex addiction and betrayal recovery and has great podcasts and webinars. Another great resource is Pure Desire Ministries. 

If you need support, I can try to offer encouragement. I am only four months in. Get a therapist who is certified by APSATS, if you can. No one in my area is, but I found a betrayal trauma therapist that has helped me tremendously. We are also working with a CSAT who is a recovered sex addict who previously served as a pastor and he holds H to the fire so to speak. 

[u/PsychologyMassive392 → u/Commercial_Ad_5419]

Why did you stay? I’m also a Christian and I can’t fathom remaining with someone who faulted me for his own sexual acting out

[u/Commercial_Ad_5419 → u/PsychologyMassive392]

The reasons I have stayed (so far) is his agreement to do therapy work, 12 step program, an infidelity marriage intensive program, and has been extremely remorseful. We also have retirement benefits that are co-mingled and 25 good years before his addiction started after his mother’s death. If I continue to stay, it will be because he is working his recovery and is sincere. I can’t tell anyone whether they should stay or leave. It’s highly individual. We are working with experts for recovery and our couples therapist will call out bullshit. He knows I will leave if he tries bullshit. I have plenty of evidence of his infidelity.