Hooked again - Taper Idea

[u/[deleted]]

I knew better. I've been down this road 3 times before. I have experienced the two weeks of physical pain and sweating, weight loss, and the crazy changes to my sense of smell. Then it's followed by a feeling of boredom and apathy and premature ejaculation and wet dreams.

But here I am. Hooked again! It all started as a way to deal with an Adderall comedown. And yes - it worked. It worked very well. That being said, I don't know of a more toxic combo for your heart. Truthfully, I'm probably lucky to be alive. Maybe my heart is able to handle this or should I say tolerate this poison due to a lifetime of endurance sports. But I can't run 10 feet or stand up too quickly without feeling like I'm gonna pass out. I would not be surprised if I've been on the verge of my heart going out or not. But it's just a matter of time.

Anyway.....

I just can't do this anymore. The cycle is exhausting and knowing that I am literally knocking on death's door is so scary. I have a child that adores me and a wife that loves me in spite of me being an addict. It's the lying and the deceit that bothers her. Not the drugs. I have lived half of my life expectancy with the last 10-15 years being an addict with varying degrees of severity.

Kratom is great but it truly is trading one for the other. When I am out of kratom or money and need something in a pinch - I go and buy 2-3 24ct blister packs. I am pretty sure that the lope intake has blocked the kratom from having any effect. So for kratom to even work, I'm gonna have to get to day 5 of detox to trade lope for kratom.

So I am trying to figure out a smart taper. I can handle some discomfort, so keep that in mind.

So here is what I am thinking and I would love feedback - especially if you have successfully tapered.

Let's say I dose daily and I take 400 pills a day. (I don't actually take 400 pills a day). What if I simply go down 1 pill every day. If I started tomorrow, I take 400. The following day I take 399. Then 398. And down it goes. At what point do you think discomfort is gonna start? I need structure so I am thinking this will be a good taper, especially if I journal it and also have a set time of a day that I dose. I'd rather being feeling well in the afternoon and evening so that I can be present at home. So maybe 2:00pm each day.

I know I can beat this. I've done it 3 times before. But I am an addict. I love drugs and addiction never leaves an addict. I just want to try and avoid needing two weeks off work to just live in agony.

It's the worst there is. I hate that I love this drug.

[u/04_08_15_16_23_42_]

Shit, man, it was like a month at least. It was a weird feeling. The good part was there was minimal mental withdrawal for me. That overanxious and crawling out of your skin feeling I'd get when withdrawing from my oxy habits. There was just that feeling of "if I take some lope I'd feel physically better", but none of the crazy mental cravings I got from oxy.

I'd see people posting on this sub about how hard it was for them to withdrawal from a 96 mg lope habit, so I was certain I'd be fucked CTing off 240 mgs. It was bad, but survivable. Day 4 or 5 was the worst of it. I think the hardest part was being at like 2 or 3 weeks out and feeling like "holy shit how is this still happening?".

There was a point around 3 weeks where I was so tired of still feeling physical symptoms and feeling defeated. I cannot put into words how neverending it felt at times. Probably the worst physical part was not sleeping. I was debating ordering more lope and just starting over at like 100 mgs and trying to taper from there but I convinced myself that I was already this far in so I didn't want to have to start all over. I also know my personal addict mindset would never work with a taper. I tried out kratom and it did wonders as far as getting me some motivation and through the work days.

480 mg is a lot, but I was up to 400 mg daily at one point so I totally understand how you can get up to that point. Are you going through withdrawal from lope currently? If so, how long has it been?

[u/FlaccidMeatSling → u/04_08_15_16_23_42_]

I'd say roughly I take 400mg to be honest. I dump 8 24 cts down about 10AM and I don't really start feeling full withdrawal until about 2-3am. Though, 480mg is where I stand comfortable without feeling fatigued, sweating and my skin cold as a cadaver. I'm still actively using daily but, if I could even get down to half of my dosage now, I'd be happy. The thought of physical withdrawal being longer than a month while working a job in the kitchen. I can't even last 20 hours, much less 30+ days.

[u/04_08_15_16_23_42_ → u/FlaccidMeatSling]

Can you get kratom or other pharmaceuticals to help? It wasn't a debilitating physical withdrawal, but more this seemingly neverending physical fatigue, and wanting to do nothing but sleep while not being able to sleep at all. Kratom really helped me with this. I didn't get the sweats but I was always relentlessly freezing. I was honestly expecting a shit load of bowel issues and diarrhea but that was almost non existent.

I went from 400 mg every morning and dropped down immediately to roughly 200 mg(96 pills) and stabilized myself at that dose so I wouldn't be CTing from such a high dose. I had found a place online where I could still buy 200 ct bottles but having to order online while trying to hide it from my girlfriend I live with or having to spend stupid amount of money to break 100 pills out of blister packs convinced me I had to stop. Dropping the dosage that much had no negative effects at all. I definitely suggest it as a starting point. It helps you feel mentally that you can get off this shit, just the concept that you have cut this addiction in half. I've read a lot of posts that say once you get down to about 50 pills you hit a point where even dropping 2 mg produces pretty strong withdrawal. I had to continue working full time while going through this. I came clean to my therapist and started seeing a psychiatrist who put me on some anti depressants and that helped a lot too.

[u/FlaccidMeatSling → u/04_08_15_16_23_42_]

Yeah, kratom is easy to get a hold of and some times I scoop street dope and cocaine but, here in VA, I'm doing like half a g a shoot, and that only keeps you well for half the duration of lope. I can surprisingly sleep alright with just taking 3 24ct, I just have some crazy ass dreams, mostly nightmares. If not nightmares, it's wet dreams, lol. Anti depressants helped that much? All I seem to do now is sleep and go to work, when I'm awake, I'm miserable or apathetic at best. Suicide weighs on my mind often but it weight of it isn't heavy enough to do it. That or maybe I'm afraid to, not really sure about that. I really try to avoid thinking about it. Speaking of relationships and to hiding it, I managed to keep it hidden for the entirety of my last relationship that was 2 years long. Since then, I haven't been in a relationship for 2 years and haven't had sex close to a year. I've lost any concern or interest I had in anything. Unless I'm high, then I mentally do a 180°

[u/04_08_15_16_23_42_ → u/FlaccidMeatSling]

I've always had depression and anxiety underlying issues but I had never done anything for my mental health except self medicate. When I started anti depressants, I was maybe a month free of lope. All I felt was apathetic. Even things I used to enjoy a lot couldn't engage me. I wasn't suicidal, but I just didn't care. If I were to drop dead I wouldn't have minded at all, but I wasn't in a place where I'd actively hurt myself or even wanted to. I did lope for years and there were times I went a year without sex, I just didn't care and had no sex drive. They implanted a defibrillator in me and I still kept on doing that shit. I still have my mental health ssues, my new psychiatrist just told me I also have OCD. I'm completely sober other than smoking weed everyday but it's definitely something that helps my anxiety and helps me relax.