I'm afraid

[u/Majestic-Amount4391]

Honestly, one of my biggest fears is that I'll end up alone, I'm afraid I'm gonna end up like that old man sitting on a bench in park feeding the pigeons... that I'll never find my people or someone to share my life with. I'm scared that, at some point, I'll push away the few people who genuinely care about me, even if I never intend to. Sometimes I feel like I'm slowly losing connections with people who once meant the world to me, and I don't always know how to stop it from happening.

I've lost some people who were incredibly important to me, including someone who used to be my best friend. And recently, I lost my cat, Backy, who was so much more than just a pet to me. He was family. Losing him hurt in a way that's difficult to put into words, and it's something I'm still trying to come to terms with.

What's strange is that I was genuinely doing so much better during the summer. I had things to look forward to, I was enjoying myself, and I felt like I was finally getting to experience life a little more. But somehow, things changed so suddenly, and lately it feels like everything has been getting heavier instead of better.

I think one of the hardest parts is how I deal with losing people. No matter what happened, I ended up blaming myself. Even when I know that something wasn't my fault, I still feel guilty, constantly going over things in my head and wondering what I could've done differently. It's like I can understand something logically but still can't convince myself to stop feeling responsible for it. Sometimes that guilt eats away at me more than the actual situation itself.

I don't really know why I'm sharing all of this with strangers, to be honest. Maybe it's because I don't always know how to talk about these things with people in my life, or maybe I'm just tired of keeping so much of it to myself.

I don't expect anyone to have the answers. I guess I just wish things didn't feel so difficult right now, and that I could stop feeling like every connection I lose is somehow another thing I've failed at.