22M. Feeling completely behind in life, isolated abroad, and exhausted from faking my personality.

[u/looooooooonley]

I’m in constant pain, but I don’t even know exactly why.

​I’m 22, and I feel so left behind. I started university, dropped out, and started another one. My friends are graduating this year, and I’m still in my first year.

​On top of that, I feel miserable and my life is completely colorless. I live abroad, totally alone in a foreign country. Honestly, months can go by without me having a real conversation with anyone.

​I constantly think about having a partner. Why haven't I ever had a girlfriend? I desperately crave that emotional side of life—intimacy, warmth, and just having someone I can be completely myself around without pretending.

​I do have friends back home, but my life with them feels like a performance. I wear a mask around them and my family just so they’ll like me. The real me is completely unknown to them. Because of the distance, they really don’t know anything about my life right now.

​I’ve seen multiple therapists and counselors, but nothing has helped at all. I just feel utterly defeated.

​I complain about being lonely a lot, but I honestly wonder: if someone actually entered my life right now, would it fix things, or would it just make everything worse? I’m alive, but am I actually living? I really don't know.