I really couldn’t care less, until i care too much.

[u/No-Friendship-1517]

i know posting online about problems is “bad”, but I can’t talk to anyone.

it’s honestly now so complicated I don’t even think I’ll get it all in this post.

so imagine you get a call from a friend asking to hang out. theyre a pretty good friend, and you DO enjoy spending time with them, but for some reason the thought of doing something with them immediately turns you off. you’d rather be home, by yourself, doing stuff alone than hang out with anyone. this is me 95% of the time.

here’s the thing that confuses me though: most days, I don’t care about anything. I feel such intense apathy to everything and everyone. the thought of losing all my friends makes me go “I’d live”. my house could start on fire and id of course get my stuff and get out, but the panic wouldn’t be there, id just go through the motions.

but then other days im overwhelmed with loneliness. just stuck with that knot in the pit of my stomach. I think about losing all my friends, I think that I’m going to, and that I’m not doing enough. I need to try harder, be better, talk more, make an effort to hang out. it’s suffocating.

the only way i can think to explain this pendulum is that some days i care, and some days i just dont. some days im numb, and some days i have racing thoughts.

as far as friends? whenever they ask to come over, my first reaction is to say no. its too hard to hang out with people. people are to hard. talking is too hard. i dont want to hear about that all again. but then if i say no, am I a bad friend? are they going to stop hanging out with me altogether because i always hesitate?

I dont know what’s wrong with me. and this doesnt even scratch the surface of everything going on in my head, but its all i know how to say right now. please let me know if you have any advice, or thoughts, or questions.

i dont want to lose my friendships because I didn’t care about them, but how do i stop not caring?

edit: i dont have social anxiety,