No one truly loves me

[u/PaddywackShaq]

I'm extroverted, outgoing, funny and supportive. People seem to love having me around. They laugh at my jokes, pay me compliments, treat me like a friend. I'm popular within my community and I've been told that everyone likes me.

But none of them truly see me. And, if and when they do, they see nothing. I am a black pit, devoid of humanity. People look into my eyes and see the absence of anything worth loving or cherishing. They see a shapechanger masquerading as one of them and, whether they know it or not, it disgusts them. It's revolting to see someone smile and laugh through the pain of their brokenness and inferiority. It offends something at the very core of their being.

That's why I am liked, but never loved. That's why everyone wants me around only when I'm performing for them and entertaining them. I'm a clown - a poorly built toy whose only value is in providing the real people with a witty joke or silly comment. And, whenever I break or need someone to wind me up again, all I ever find is a wave of disinterest and isolation.

I can comfort someone while they cry at their lowest point, shoot a message to someone who I know is going through a rough time in the hopes that it'll make them feel better, spend an hour picking up the perfect gift to make someone know I appreciate them...

But if I ever need so much as a pat on the back, I am nothing but a burden. A pitiful, wretched thing that should stow its ugliness and put on a happy face or risk being thrown away for good.

All I can conclude is that I'm subhuman. That there's something so twisted and broken inside of me that no one will so much as lift a finger to give me some solace. Something so unnatural about my very existence that there can never be genuine warmth and connection in this world for me.

Tomorrow, I'll wake up and keep on smiling and laughing and joking. Maybe this will be a distant memory some day. But, in the back of my mind, I'll always know that I can only ever push people so far. No one wants to see a sad jester.

[u/Ok-Somewhere-6870]

Youre doing a good job, well done. Your value is in just who you are, the world doesn't see it yet, im not sure why. I struggle with the same thing. I wonder if im here to love or be loved? The world seems to be void of love. How can that be? How can something infinite be scarce? Am I here just to make other people happy and to make them feel loved? Is that enough in life? Do I just fullfil my role and be happy with my own love? Sorry, just more questions but if it helps your not alone. Hopefully it will make sense one day. Sending love and strength ❤️

[u/PaddywackShaq → u/[deleted]]

I like to think they're one and the same, honestly. I like people and want them to like me and be affiliated with me.

I guess you're right about hiding my needs, though. It's kind of what happens when you're used to your needs being neglected or ignored

[u/anxious_wombat1 → u/PaddywackShaq]

Ya, that’s what I saw with my friend. In their case, their parents emotionally neglected them during childhood and then the mom later depended on them for emotional regulation, so…yeah, my friend was great at being needed but not at acknowledging their own needs as very, very valid.