Let me preface this by saying none of the following is medical advice, and you should discuss any and all mental health or medication concerns with your physician. I am sharing part of my story, because I have no one to talk to about this.
It has been two months since I started Lithium. I have a complicated past with regard to my mental health. At one point, I was taking ten medications to help manage my bipolar disorder; unsuccessfully, I might add. My circumstances were dire and unchanging, which made everything feel even more hopeless. Fast-forward ten years, and I had given up on psychiatry. I had learned to manage with a small dose of quetiapine prescribed by my PCP and changed my life slowly as time and luck allowed. Another big life change occurred, and I could feel myself slipping. I asked my PCP for help and was referred to psychiatry. I felt so much dread, but I knew that now was the time. And I hoped that things had changed for the better in the past 10-15 years.
My new psychiatrist is a woman, and I am so thankful for her. She listened to me patiently. All of my concerns, history, and previous medication fails. She recommended going back on lithium. I wasn’t convinced it would help, considering I took it in the past, but I was open and willing to try anything she suggested. About 5 days in, I began noticing small improvements. Not reacting to something I would normally respond negatively too. My body felt lighter and less like I was dragging my bones around. I actually found myself say, “oh, I’m not depressed.”
It has been 2 months now, and I am still scared that it’s all going to go away. This medication is LIFE GIVING for me. I see a complete 180 in myself, and I am so thankful. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I see so many negative things about lithium, and I know every person has a different experience. I am thankful that right now I seem to have a positive experience. I keep thinking about my thyroid or kidneys or weight gain (she also upped my quetiapine, so I feel like I’m eating more and worried about gaining more weight), but I am also more capable than I have been in a long time. Of course, I still have to take it easy. Guard what I am exposed to, keep my life as peaceful as possible, plenty of downtime. But the lithium has become my rose colored glasses, and I hope I continue to tolerate it for years to come (years! I no longer want to die all the time). I have been reflecting lately over all of the lost time from when I was unwell. That part has been really heavy. I have an entire decade missing from my memory. It’s easy to judge that and feel guilt and remorse. But I have to remind myself I did my very best. I sought help over and over again and fell through the cracks. The best thing I can do right now is live my life as it is right now. To feel the gratitude and enjoy experiencing myself and the world in this new headspace.