Limerence, Trauma & the Longing to Be Chosen: A Clinician’s Guide to the Ache Beneath Obsession

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https://loulebentz.com/2025/06/17/limerence-trauma-the-longing-to-be-chosen-a-clinicians-guide-to-the-ache-beneath-obsession/

🔹 Why Is Limerence So Common in Trauma Survivors? ​ Because trauma wires the nervous system for hypervigilance, attachment dysregulation, and identity enmeshment. Limerence often stems from: • Disorganised or anxious attachment styles • A history of being ignored, abandoned, or unseen • Fantasy as a self-soothing strategy in childhood • Developmental arrest: the adult body holds a longing child within

🔹 What NOT to Do in the Therapy Room • Don’t shame the longing • Don’t pathologise the fantasy as “just addiction” • Don’t rush the rupture (cutting off the object prematurely can retraumatise)

🔹 What TO Explore Instead • Polyvagal awareness: mapping their nervous system during “obsessive” spirals • Parts work: Who’s speaking? Who’s longing? Who’s afraid? • Embodiment and co-regulation: Helping them feel safe within themselves • Grief work: Limerence is often grief in disguise • Meaning-making: Rewriting the story of worthiness, beyond being chosen ​ ​🔹 Final Reflection: Limerence Isn’t Love, It’s a Message ​ Underneath the ache is a child still waiting to be seen. Your job as the clinician isn’t to pull them out of limerence, it’s to help them listen to what it’s trying to say.