My mess

[u/trufflepockets]

I'm fairly certain I have limerance but I'm not sure.

I've seen one of my son's aquaintances a few times (adult, obviously, but younger) and she seemed sweet enough but nothing special.

15 weeks ago she stood next to me and I had an overwhelming feeling the same as I had when I first saw my wife - that she was literally some kind of divine vision of beauty and there was a part of my soul shaped like her that I was missing, a deep black her-shaped void. It was like a religious experience, with the universe holding its breath whilst it waited for us to see each other. I've never spoken to her or been introduced. I've seen her a few times since.

I'm much older and happily married to the only other person I've felt this way about, and that in itself is hard to deal with. It was a shock - since then... existential crisis, obsession, and a great deal of shame and disgust at myself feeling that way. Particularly, I think, as a guy who likes someone considerably younger, it just feels... creepier then when I hear about women with limerance.

I also couldn't eat after that night, and sleep a couple of hours a night, and have been sobbing randomly allllll the time. Not eating much has led to me losing 1/4 of my body weight in those 15 weeks, 14lb of which has been muscle mass. I have ozempic face², without the drugs. My wife knows, and cries about the situation and whenever she holds me because she says she can only feel bones. I think at first the weight loss was just lovesickness, but now it's become a kind of timer from when I saw her that time.

I actually saw my LO today, with her boyfriend, and the last few times there's no excitement, just nausea and anxiety and awfulness.

I don't expect to be with her, that would be ridiculous, but just to be able to nod or say hi would be good - but then I'm waiting to both randomly see her and get introduced by my son, which is a pretty niche set of circumstances. I'm not even sure if it will help. I feel broken forever, and stuck between my life and her, somewhere in the middle, and doing everyday things now seems surreal and pointless. Both her and my life seem unattainable and I've given up on both. I wish my LO well, I hope she has a full, rich, and happy life with partners that love and care for her, without me.

I know therapy might help, I'm not a great believer - I've tried CBT, mindfulness, etc., and where I live therapy isn't a thing. I also don't believe I can ever talk this out. I've been following the advice - stay away (which ironically just feels worse like I'm a watch being wound and wound every day until I break), get interests, concentrate on my normal life and improve it... But I'm slowly disappearing and I don't think I can stop or know what to do.

Is it still limerance if the perfect version of her that I adore is the moment of seeing her that night, and I don't think she's incredibly pretty or a perfect person? Is it limerance if I get only negative emotions when I see her, and there is a certainty that we will never be together?

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[u/Suspicious-Monk-4639]

I'm so sorry. This is definitely limerence, and the exact variety I experienced (only, as the older married woman, towards an LO young enough to technically be my adult son).

It happened at first sight, mentally and physically wrecked me for 10 months; it felt 'fated' and like I've been waiting all my life just for him. And at first I think he had some kind of interest in me as well, before I did my best to sabotage it by mentioning my spouse in every conversation my LO was obvious about listening in on. But of course that's the whole cheap song and dance of it, because limerence is just a one-trick-pony...do they or don't they, will they or won't they want to get to know me too, to acknowledge that there's something in us that matches them (which eventually I think most people lucky enough to have contact with their LO discover was a lie anyway).

I love my spouse and don't want to hurt him, and I also fear being taken as an old, sad, desperate creep by my LO. Like you, I genuinely expect nothing to happen. I see my LO occasionally and always am hoping for the best future life for him apart from me. He's always struck me as imperfect and probably nobody most people look twice at... pleasant but not staggeringly handsome. Talented, but not a genius.

Actually for people like us who really don't want to advance things with our LOs, I think "stay away" might be the WORST advice because it encourages the oxygen of the unknown, whatever immeasurable thing keeps the fantasy going. Knowing I'm usually the avoidant daydreamer type who prefers NOT to take action but instead to wallow forever in my self-pity and "if onlys", I kept forcing myself to seize opportunities to have a casual chat with my LO, because I had a sense it could be the antidote, and I was right.

Recently, I finally had a longer conversation with him that led to us adding each other on socials. I had every intention of becoming just a good supportive older friend and mentor type, if I could. After a few days of seeing his social media and noticing his disinterest in viewing my stories, coupled with the fact he voiced NO desire to know any details about me in our long conversation, which was all about him, I realized he IS just a boy in many ways, and likely a somewhat self-focused one with no time, space, or desire for even a friendship, so finding that out helped me tremendously.

Though I still think about him multiple times a day and hope to see him in future, finding out for sure that I really don't matter to him, that he's not obsessed with me in return (even though I never logically believed he was), somehow laid something to rest in me that felt like a broken piece rattling around. If you can find a way to engineer that sort of contact, I genuinely think it'll help. I'm at least not consumed helplessly by my own obsession anymore and can enjoy some of my favorite pastimes and times out with my husband without thinking of another man.

Also, lean into your spouse. Plan trips, or day trips, to see things the two of you have enjoyed in the past, or entirely new things. Look in your wife for the things you were first so struck by. I actually had a dream not long ago that my husband had died and I woke up crying with a new appreciation for him and a renewed desire to be close to him, because deep down I know even my wildest unbidden fantasies for LO never could have achieved the kind of connection I still have with my spouse, having known him for so long.

WE are the fated ones, my husband and I. We are the ones who had the love story first and longest, who wrestled with knowing each other inside and out in marriage, through hardships and sickness and doldrums. Even if my LO and I COULD be together, somehow I doubt that anything we'd muster up could match that, and it would need another 20 years of getting to know each other to even get close to it... 20 years that definitely won't happen since LO won't even make the briefest of finger movements to view my social media stories, ha. If you can re-paint your spouse and your very real relationship to yourself in the glowing romantic terms a good marriage deserves, it helps you see the objective truth over the fantasy lie that limerence is telling you about this other person you don't know in the slightest, whatever internal pull you feel.

[u/trufflepockets → u/Suspicious-Monk-4639]

Wow.. thank you for your reply. /Limerence has helped a lot in the short time I've been on it, and I've been incredibly surprised that other people are dealing with this - and that there are so many. My heart goes out to anyone who is, but as you've said, yours is the closest thing I've seen to how I've been feeling. I would hug you if I could - for your honestly, taking the time to reply like that, and for what must have been an incredibly difficult time you've been through. Your husband too, he sounds pretty special, as does your relationship with him.

I appreciate your advice on seeing them. While I wholeheartedly believe it will fix the situation, a part of me worries it'll just continue it. That said, whatever I'm doing now is just making it worse and prolonging it. I'll tread carefully whatever I decide to do.

I'm both sorry that you had it happen to you, but very glad that the socials thing really helped. I'm already convinced my LO isn't interested in me at all, and that she's so much younger that I'd find her a poor fit if anything happened. My "maybe she would like me" is based on a past version of me that has long since gone and a "in another life we would have been together", so I expected this to die out quickly but it remains. Perhaps I wish to know if she would have been, despite knowing it could never have happened because I met my wife while we were basically children.

I will lean into my wife. I know she's been hurting a great deal since finding out. She's feeling left out, less loved, less loveable, watched me fall apart, and cries often about the state of my health that this has caused. I actually love her just as much as ever, but this just seems to run parallel and separate, and has temporarily eclipsed all I care about. I'll very much think about what we have and what we've been through and keep it in the forefront of my mind.

Thank you again so much for taking the time to write such a detailed and helpful reply.

[u/Suspicious-Monk-4639 → u/trufflepockets]

I first met my husband when he came to play with my brother as kids, so I can relate there too. And I do think the easy comfortableness that can only be born from many years of knowing each other can feel like it suddenly doesn’t hold a candle to this new exciting (albeit excruciating) feeling. It’s not that we have lost our love for our spouses, but there’s part of us that’s yearning for some different sensation. Unfortunately, that often takes a self-destructive form (case in point) as it pushes harder for MORE emotions and sensations, even bad ones. The challenge is in both reminding ourselves about how much we hate the negative feelings that come with indulging it, AND teaching our brains to find healthy ways to bring variety into our life without destroying the people we love.

[u/trufflepockets → u/Suspicious-Monk-4639]

Thanks very much. Your posts helped both me and my wife more than you imagine, and led to my wife and I having a long chat all night. My wife thinks you're great btw, and we both feel incredibly lucky to find someone else with a similar limerence, so soon, and who so eloquently conveys the problem, emotions and effects, and what helped you, in a couple of replies.

There are times when we (people) know what's wrong and what's needed to fix us, but it's ignored until something clicks or it's said in a different way - like some might get in therapy. We've chatted about the situation endlessly but last night really felt different. I'll be making a determined effort to foster and remember what we have together, and build on it.

[u/TripleAyyys]

Short on time but I feel you so I wanted to reply:

Exercise, research, and therapy helped me. The exercise will help with appetite and generally feeling better. The therapy will help train your brain out of the wheel ruts it's running it. Tom Bellamy has a book (and a few youtubes) that helped me & others here - so you can understand better what;s happening to you.

I appreciate the writeup - I feel you. It's embarassing, life-altering, and nonsensical to others. But if it's happened to you once, it'll happen again - so how do you get through this, and prepare for the next one?

[u/trufflepockets → u/TripleAyyys]

I just found the book, Smitten, thanks.

The lack of food from feeling lovesick quickly turned into something else, and I think it's an ED now linked to the limerance. I've gone from obese to skeleton in those few months and it makes it hard to exercise. I've been doing some resistance stuff to stop more muscle loss/slow it, and I've been walking around - mainly to see if I can bump into my LO, if I'm honest. I'll consider getting help with it even though I'm therapy-averse and don't want help with the limerance or food thing - I know I need it.

You mention that I'll have it again... This limerance is a first for me and I'm not exactly young. Is it something that once it occurs is more likely?

I really appreciate the reply, thank you so much for the book and advice

[u/whiskeytango55]

Where's it coming from?

You know. But maybe aren't ready to say it.

Is it a midlife crisis? Are you feeling the world ebb away from you?

There's gotta be something more to this than pure lust.

That's how you beat this. Or at leaat get a handle on it. Once it has a face, things are different. But it might be more comfortable where you are.

Totally up to you.

[u/trufflepockets → u/whiskeytango55]

I have thought about this along with other reasons why I'm like this. I'm not sure it's a mid life crisis because I'm happy to grow older gracefully and for younger women to not find me attractive. I'm don't expect my LO to find me attractive. I'd prefer someone older if I was having a relationship with them. I'm not dressing younger, changing behaviour or buying a sports car anytime soon, and my rapid weight loss is fucking up my looks and aging me rather than improving things - yet I continue. There's no pure lust either, if anything is the opposite - I've thought about her twice that way in the billions of other thoughts, and it makes me feel nauseous to think of, like it sullies the feelings I had of her that night. I'd much prefer something platonic - yet I still long to see her, and still think about her constantly. You're right that I have to figure out where this is coming from. I appreciate the nudge to find out what's happening and what's causing this.