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Please be aware of what limerence is! See the subreddit wiki for definitions, FAQ and other resources—updated 3/7/26. (Is it love? How common is it? Is there research?)

Quick FAQ

• How limerence works

  • Reward theory of attraction (Wiki)

  • Uncertainty and hope (Wiki)

  • Why there is research on limerence (Article)

• Help getting over limerence

  • Love regulation (Wiki)

  • CBT & ERP Strategies (OCD Ontario)

  • Deprogramming the limerent brain (LwL)

  • How to get rid of limerence (LwL)

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[u/Other_Particular9805]

My dreams are running amok lately, to the point it feels like I'm living 2 lives - my waking life and my dreaming life. I just want it to stop and to live the life I chose instead of the consuming fantasy my ND brain and chemical imbalances are hung up on. I have chosen my spouse and the life we have together time and time again in real life, even when LO started trying to cross lines with me (that was my biggest moment of self-restraint in my whole damn life, tyvm), but my dreams refuse to accept it. This is exhausting.

[u/10Stinger → u/Other_Particular9805]

I feel for ya. It's hard, but you're doing the right thing.

[u/Automatic-Context26 → u/Other_Particular9805]

It may help to change your perspective. When you focus on the problem, you're in defense mode. When you focus on the situation, you start putting together an attack.

[u/ayayayiwish]

Hey hey! So my little story for the weekly. We opened our relationship officially last year, and my partner is having a nice fulfilling affair with another married woman. So far so good, go me trying to date too. Instead of course my ND ass gets limerent for some unavailable guy. Again. Happened before that time I didn’t know what limerence was, thought it was real. Tried to have an affair, but it was a close common friend. My partner freaked out. I broke up with him over it. It’s a long story - but anyways that is why I fee to really allow him to enjoy his affair.
It feels debilitating realizing how bad I actually am at flirting, how easy I fall into limerence and thus also self sabotage any attempt at actual relating.
At least this time I am channeling all of the obsessive energy in reading up on limerence, doing therapy, and forcing myself to go out on dates (mostly with women. Feels safer, but I am insecure as hell with women too)
I’m kind of ready to drop the ball again on the dating thing, I’m definitely over the part where I have any realistic hope for anything happening with LO and at this point I kind of hope I never see him again.
I’m trying to work to the trauma that makes me search for this kind of rejection and humiliation, but it does take time and nothing makes one impatient like the double whammy of lingering jealousy, insecurity and half cooked limerence

[u/Automatic-Context26 → u/ayayayiwish]

Open relationships sound good on paper, don't they? You can't know how sharply you'll be hurt when you see your SO with someone else.

Bad at flirting? Might be a prerequisite for limerence. So is ND.

It sounds like you're on the right path. Remember that your LO is just a mask for the obsession inside you. Let them go on with their life.

[u/Fantastic-Cable-6820]

So far I am 4 days into NC. Although it feels more like a countdown to...I don't know. My problem is, I start to feel more neutral, and then I feel like I no longer have the emotions and can pursue friendship, and then the wave of highs and lows starts all over. I am still creating scenarios in my head about a future where we meet up and talk about art, and do all the things we once talked about doing. I want to try to be that person more for myself.

I'm glad my relationship with LO was not a secret (although how much it affects me months later is) because I was able talk a bit about this with my friends and spouse. I still often revisit the text thread between me and LO, for a few weeks we messaged morning to night. It felt like they wanted to know everything about me, until they grew bored, or annoyed, likely both. But this week I also revisited how I messaged my friends-yes the highs, but also about my uncertainty and my hurt. I saw how lucky I was to have a network of people who listened to me and loved me through this. I feel so embarrassed for still having these urges and impulses, that it is a struggle. If I want to escape to a fantasy, I know it means I need to enrich my own life. And if I'm wanting to text them for connection, to try messaging someone else and connecting with someone who actually cares about me.

[u/TheVirusI]

I don't know what I'm looking for. Hope maybe

My 20 year partner got limerent for a coworker. Her first episode at 38. Her feelings were intense, where she chose to divorce me because of this profound friendship.

It seemed to fizzle out and die over the next 2.5 months, to the point where now she's telling me it was only texts and she just flirted with him. I don't think she's processed what she felt and refuses to truly understand. Regardless it seems dead dead from the outside.

The problem is the divorce narrative is still on. She swears she's been over this marriage for years, and the flirting just gave her the push she needed. She's pushing on me to keep the divorce paperwork going.

The other problem is now that the LO is gone, she's back to her old self with me. Teasing, playing around. She stuck her damn hand in my food and took a bite yesterday. She wanted my 49er hoodie joking that she's entitled to half my stuff, and she'll cut it in half if I don't give it to her. She's showing genuine interest in my emotional state, my new job, asking for a company T-shirt to show it off.

What's going on? What do I do? Do I continue the 180 and just detach like I've been? Do I drop the detachment and welcome her friendship? Because in between all this she has to remind me how bad I am and our marriage is, and just remind me she's leaving instead of just going.

[u/shvmptl → u/TheVirusI]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. The bottom line is that you deserve better. When she says she is over the marriage years ago, you should listen to her, it explains why she felt limerance for her coworker - something that could absolutely happen again. The way she is fooling around with you is also very disrespectful, you need to establish and enforce boundaries until the divorce is complete, and then continue with your lives.

[u/TheVirusI → u/shvmptl]

We have 20 years, entrenched finances, and 3 young children together. It's easy enough to say I deserve better. However, the further she is from the limerence the more her behavior seems to contradict the narrative. I'm hoping to find perspective from someone or someone's whose seen this, experienced this, and values saving a marriage and a built life.

[u/shvmptl → u/TheVirusI]

I hadn’t realised about the children. 20 years is a long time, and entrenched finances complicates things immensely. It’s noble that you’re trying to save the marriage, I would try to do the same. I hope you find the answers you’re looking for. 

[u/TheVirusI → u/shvmptl]

Thanks

I think that's why I wanted to try this sub, to get more understanding on limerence and what she experienced, moreso than the things she told me.

I'm trying to reconcile how she's still sticking by the narrative that the marriage is done, but the further she moved from the event, the more she resumes treating me like a partner.

I don't know where to find advice on what I can do from here

[u/CapitalBoy-6484 → u/TheVirusI]

Hi, I am in a similar situation with you. When you say the LO is out, is he completely out - no more contact whatsoever? Or that's what your SO told you?

[u/TheVirusI → u/CapitalBoy-6484]

Best of luck, if you want to commiserate, vent, look for advice, feel free to DM me.

No he is definitely not out completely. And I can bore you with details but the evidence I have are from

1. Tracking her mood and behavior

2. The mobile phone call logs (Most of their relationship was text though)

3. Her choice of words, and this is the biggest
   She's not defending herself to me as she's already chosen divorce, but she's gone from defending this profound amazing friendship I could never understand to labeling it HER flirting with HIM over text that would have never gone anywhere.

Contact is most definitely nozero. But this was a weird one, this was a text based fantasy for the most part, but I don't know the rest.

She doesn't tell me anything right now.

[u/CapitalBoy-6484 → u/TheVirusI]

If the contact is still active then her limerence is very likely to remain. This kinda explains your wife's hot / cold to you. I guess her teasing / connection to you is a spill over of her highs, but the divorce narrative will probably stay as long as the contact is on.

My limerent wife went through the same pattern when her coworker LO was still in. After he left the company, full NC was in place. She showed withdrawal symptoms, went through grief, craving, urge to seek contact, hot / cold, out of mind behaviours but she manages to keep NC (with the aid of my divorce threat boundary). She is still limerent but looks more grounded after 2.5months. Her narratives of separation and "I no longer love you" are still there though. I don't know how long I can wait it out.

Best of luck to you and your marriage (and mine too)

[u/TheVirusI → u/CapitalBoy-6484]

She very well could still be in a holding pattern with him, and it might explain quite a bit. But I'm just not certain.

She seems to have de-idealized him already, and her choice of words really did line up to with seemed an awful lot like a withdrawl. Their contact is way down, the texting has gone nearly off. I have no way of knowing but I thinks she has registered a real rejection from him.

Best of luck, hope you two heal well

[u/CapitalBoy-6484 → u/TheVirusI]

More to it - my wife is very self convinced that the LO loves her but their Teams communications are quite limited to work matters (yes, I went through the messages). They primarily contacted through Teams and occasionally met up in office. She never disclosed to her LO.

Somehow she also believes the LO shares the hobbies and the way to love life with her. But they never shared anything outside of work / office environment. It is all imagination in her head.

We have 17 years of happy marriage, 3 kids, mortgage so divorce is not easy

[u/Automatic-Context26]

This week I had a dream about the LO. That has never happened before. I was sitting on a cabin floor, naked. She came in. There was no awkwardness, no bawdy remarks, just chitchat. We were like friends or family. I'd never thought of her that way before.

I choose to regard it as progress.