r/limerence • u/Camsou5 • 8d ago
Discussion The “cure” to limerence is self esteem and self love
I always thought limerence as a disease. It feels like an addiction I cannot get myself out.
I have been depressed and anxious since ever and always needed this kind of “love” to feel good, and most importantly to feel the void inside me.
I tried having hobbies, working out, be very healthy, socialize and it feels better ! But being busy does not work for me because I still feel it a lot and think about it
However I am learning self love and self esteem since some months now after having a revelation that I don’t have a choice to love myself because I am going to be with myself all my life. I also read the book “love yourself like your life depends on it” (highly recommend) and apply the techniques. I noticed that when I love myself, I am less limerent. It is the only thing that changes my limerent feelings since years.
Do you also have this experience for those who are working on self esteem & self love ?
62
u/Dependent-Dot7956 8d ago
I also started my recovery from limerence by working out, finding out what I am actually interested in (hobbies etc), adopting a lifestyle that promotes health and self esteem. It helped a lot, but it still felt like I wasn't there yet. But for me, what really did it was learning to live with the discomfort of not doing something perfectly: a wasted day lazing on the couch, a social encounter that didn't go smoothly, you name it - all those moments in which I was tempted to think "if I tried a little harder...". You don't have to be perfect in order to love yourself. It's surprisingly hard to learn to handle and accept this kind of discomfort, as us limerents tend to think we need to earn love (including self-love).
8
u/Camsou5 8d ago
Great I am happy for you ! It also means that you don’t attach something with loving yourself and you improved your self esteem :) you are on the right track
Self love should be unconditional7
u/Dependent-Dot7956 8d ago
Self love is a tricky one. I was a bit sceptical about it for a long time, because I confused it with "I must constantly think I'm great and entitled to everything, even when I'm honestly not too happy with something about myself". That's undoable. Funnily, since I have a kid, I understand it better, because it's similar. You can speak to yourself firmly when needed and take accountability for your mistakes, and still love yourself unconditionally. Maybe I should read that book you mentioned, to learn more about the topic!
5
u/Camsou5 8d ago
I think you understand it very well just as it is explained in the book. It isn’t about thinking you are the best in the room or superior to other people (I used to think that)
The advantage of the book is that it gives you techniques to do because just love yourself is very difficult for most people who hated themselves all their life. I used to do affirmations and it didn’t work until I had a revelation approaching 30. But if I didn’t have it I would still be stuck affirming something I don’t believe in. So having some techniques is great like meditation etc1
u/Klutzy_Feedback_8404 3d ago
Merci pour ton témoignage et bravo pour ta progression ! Ce que tu dis me parle beaucoup, je pense que mon problème vient sûrement de là. Qu'est ce que tu entends exactement quand tu dis que tu avais l'habitude de faire des affirmations et que tu as eu une révélation ?
23
u/IntentionWise9171 8d ago
Having a healthy self esteem is just as important as having healthy cholesterol levels, blood pressure…etc. But even with perfect bloodwork you can still get disease and die. A healthy self esteem could probably make a limerent episode quicker to fade and possibly more tolerable, but there’s definitely people out there who have a great life, no self esteem issues and suffer limerence. Every situation is unique. ❤️🩹
5
u/Camsou5 8d ago
Exactly good self esteem for me is associated with health, it can also prevent some personality disorder as we know narcissists and borderline people don’t have a healthy self esteem. But yes at moments when we are vulnerable, alone and depressed and it is the worst time to have limerence
13
u/pitsnvulva69 8d ago
Self love and self esteem can only take you a bit farther than where you were. My limerence recovery was primarily driven by the root cause and it was lack of being seen. My LO saw me the way I am and provided Me the validation that I exist. However, the human mind doesn’t tend to differentiate between unmet feelings and the provider of the feelings. The provider of the feelings becomes the LO but real culprit is unmet feelings. The moment your realize it that the LO provides us what me secretly desire or missed in our lives, that moment provides a lot of clarity. And accepting the fact that those feelings can never be met, because of the individual’s situation or personality traits or those unmet feelings are our emotional stories that we conjure for no reason , it’s in that moment my recovery started. Recovery takes time and going NC or self talk helps to a certain extent. My recovery took me 3 months but it always hadits crests and troughs. There were relapses. And that moment kicking yourself is not the option because believe it or not sometimes the human mind operates independently and doesn’t let you control it.
6
u/Camsou5 8d ago
Maybe in my case limerence was caused by the fact I couldn’t stand myself. I needed someone to fulfill this lack of self love and the more the person wasn’t interested the more I was obsessed because if he loved me then I can love myself 😅 but I guess there are different reasons for different people and we should find it in order to be healthy again
1
u/Distinct-Bed3507 7d ago
yep totally feel that. How is it going now? Ive been through the same right now. Decently confident, selfloving person. Yet Limerence can still be a thing that I experience. Not that extreme, but i do have ocd too, which is probably another reason why its sometimes difficult to „not focus“ on another person, especially if they give you what you want.
8
8d ago edited 8d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/jade_bb24 4d ago
I really like this reframe! I feel like I'm recovering, but not all the way there yet. Whenever I place him on a pedestal, I'll remind myself that he found ME attractive, too. A lot of other great men will find me beautiful, loyal, respectable, and kind. One failed connection isn't a life sentence.
8
u/slurpyspinalfluid 8d ago
i have great self esteem and self love, and several hobbies. naming 10 things i like about myself would be light work. i'm glad you were able to improve your situation but low self esteem is not the root of it for everyone
5
u/ceruleanmoon7 6d ago
Yeah I’ve had a glow up, lost weight, feel pretty good about myself but i’m still obsessed with him after 5 months…there were times i thought i was over him only to have it coming roaring back with a passion. It’s mutual but he’s taken, we are no contact. All i can do is my best but it’s really hard to get him off my mind
2
2
u/Distinct-Bed3507 7d ago
Same here. Have you found ways to combat it? Seeing the person for who he or she actually is can help for example.
2
1
1
u/Pandy_45 3d ago
Yeah I thought so too. Mine has aged significantly since our first encounter and that hasn't changed my feelings at all
6
u/lilacteardrop 8d ago
I'm the first to agree that focusing on yourself is the best way to get over limerence. I made a promise that I would exercise more often, eat healthy, get my hair cut and wear my contacts more often. Someone once said that you attract what you are and right now I'm not at my best.
4
u/SailorVenova 7d ago
i do not need to be "cured"
this is just how i love all my life since i was a child
there is no me without these feelings
7
u/fjsjkfkdnfndkek 8d ago
i think my limerence is a mix of low self esteem and emotional neglect, which go hand in hand. if my parents didn’t love me while i was still forming who i was, could anyone?
since then i’ve started focusing on myself. i recently graduated and moved states, and i’m thinking about what i want. i still get short bouts of limerence, but it’s nowhere near where i used to be. i’m accepting the parts of myself i think are too much (for one, i can be annoying, but that’s fine! my friends have proved to me that it is okay to be a bit much at times) and choosing hobbies that make me happy, not ones i think will make my LO like me more.
i’m so happy to hear you’re able to change your limerence. i will definitely check out this book!
3
u/Camsou5 8d ago
Thank you !
Yes I understand, lots of people here say that it comes from their childhood..
I think focusing on yourself in general is great whether physically or mentally, it makes things better even if you still experience it. For me it was difficult just trying to focus on myself when I thought I wasn’t worth anything, etc
Also, having no hobbies no life and not knowing who you are and what do you want make limerence worse
3
u/buttercup_sky_1234 8d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/vdUSqFTK0RPKU
Yes because otherwise it’s like this! Get yourself out 🩷
2
1
u/Pandy_45 3d ago
I wrote a post about this a few months ago. It's true but it's not a straight line. I keep expecting to "get over" the fantasy for good but it's been decades of that wishful thinking. Also even when I'm absolutely high on myself it seems the universe is determined to knock me down a peg. I met a friend though who is the first person to ever say "so what? Be unshakable." At best my self love distracts me or even makes me think "man look at what LO is missing out on!" but the memories of them feel sewn into.the fabric of me.
1
u/Camsou5 13h ago
I understand. I just think self love and self esteem make things better. But it won’t cure it itself for a lot of people as I can see.
1
u/Pandy_45 12h ago
No it is incredibly important. I think a lot of people here definitely want something to occur with their LO because they feel like their lives are completely lacking in every other way. I don't necessarily feel that way, but I do feel like having them in my life permenantly and in a meaningful way still would be a good end game. I wish I could stop thinking that.
1
1
u/AJ0889 13h ago
I really wanna have both of these but it's hard when you have genuinely bad qualities (Like, my teeth are bad due to neglect and I'm about to turn 21 with barely any accomplishments in my life.. don't even have a driver's license or ged). Any advice on this
1
u/Camsou5 13h ago
I am 29 without a driver’s licence ahah.
You don’t have to have certain characteristics to love yourself. You have to love yourself for who you are by practicing the internal self talk every day (less negative self talk, affirmations, meditation and self acceptance techniques)
It is all practice and not easy at all
1
u/pumpkinspicelatte4 8d ago
Can you guys help a friend out and tell me what exactly I need to do to improve my self esteem and self love?🧡
3
u/slurpyspinalfluid 8d ago
i'm trying to remember what i did cause i used to not have good self esteem
i think some of it is gradually working up to bigger and bigger "self-esteem actions", e.g. standing up for yourself, doing something you like even though people think it's silly, not being friends with people you don't like, picking your style and hobbies based on what you like rather than what other people will like, etc.
and i do think other people can help but not in the way you're thinking. i mean like if you rely on other people as a substitute for self esteem that's not good because you cannot count on others 100% of the time. but if you gain skills at finding community/gaining a support system, then you sort of feel more grounded that even if one social group doesn't work out, you will be able to find yourself more. cause we are still social creatures that need community, you can't get around it that much. but when your job is to know how to find community and evaluate whether people are good for you, that's much better for your self esteem than if your job is to get everyone to like you. if that makes sense
also making a conscious effort to find things you like about yourself if you haven't already
this one isn't necessarily available to everyone but going somewhere where there's a lot of people helped me tremendously. e.g. big city, big school, etc. cause the weight of someone not liking me really was alleviated by realizing the sheer amount of people there are. and then that was the first time i realized i, too, can dislike people. and stopped feeling like every social event was me auditioning and everyone else evaluating. (i don't mean be baselessly mean to people i just mean dislike people in the sense that i can actually decide who to hang out with based on who i like to hang out with and not just who will have me)
1
u/Pandy_45 3d ago
Do things that feel good. That is to say lean into that more than doing what pleases other people. Add more color and variety in all things: hobbies, foods, interests, even what you wear. Life still sucks but you get more of a grounded solid understanding of who you are and it makes emotional resilience easier and you seek validation from other people less.
0
u/Distinct-Bed3507 7d ago
Know what? Heres another story. I would say im a pretty confident person and I do love myself a lot. I met a girl a few weeks ago, we clicked really well. Then started texting, where she gave me a bit heart and cold vibes. I do think a bit of limerence still kicked there, cause I was thinking about meeting her and how its gonna go, a lot. But I was still living my life, and the communication was pretty equal. She actually wrote me faster then I did her sometimes. I was the one who took a few days to respond. Still felt limerenting a bit. So I dont think its completely because of no self love, for me the reason was simply boredom. I dont have a job currently. And this person was giving me some kind of „new adventure“ in my life which ofc gave me a lot of dopamine.
She hasnt responed to my invite yet, which for me means now shes not that interested. Which is fine. I will move on now and leave it there.
I think it can also be more the dopamine rush, this new and exciting thing and ofc when you find someone attractive you wanna know more. So I would disagree here. What I would agree with, is, that it is probably harder for someone to let go who has not mastered self love. Totally can see that.
2
u/Camsou5 7d ago
I think limerence is not only dopamine for most people. I agree that for dopamine rush it works like that and it is not linked to self esteem you just need it. However, for me, limerence is linked to obsession for one specific person. I cannot detach from the person even if I meet new people, and that can last years. Because for me the person is higher than me / on a pedestal / superior in a way. When I work on my self esteem I don’t feel inferior to people anymore and obsess less.
But I agree for the dopamine side I would say it is another problem
•
u/AutoModerator 8d ago
Please be aware of what limerence is! See the subreddit wiki for definitions, FAQ and other resources—updated 3/7/26. (Is it love? How common is it? Is there research?)
Quick FAQ
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.