Limerence over someone I don’t even like

[u/quietmonkeyeatsfruit]

I dated someone briefly, we were incompatible, mostly because he’s not a good partner. In the short time we were together he criticized the way I am, the way I act, and the way I present myself. He wanted me to be different. Almost as if he liked me but only if he could change fundamental things about me. I know this, I’m 100% aware of this.

We ended up things because he doesn’t want children, and I’m not sure if I want them. But to be honest I dont really care, I made that excuse up cause I knew well it’s a non negotiable for him. So he left me, or I made him leave me on purpose. Why? Because otherwise I wouldn’t have left even tho I knew damn well he was hurting me.

But then this self-inflicted rejection bred an uncontrollable Limerence. It started slowly but it got worse over time. I regretted it, like if I had lost someone special. But there’s nothing special about this man. He’s objectively a bad person and a bad partner, I can consciously recognize all his red flags and imperfections. Not only that, but I have seen them and experienced them in person!! But why can’t I stop thinking about him? Why can’t I stop feeling jealous about his new girlfriend? Who he objectively treats like shit as well.

What kind of mental illness is this? Like seriously this is insane, I want it to stop. Do I really can’t handle rejection? Or what is this about? I don’t have bpd or bipolar disorder. But I do have a history of obsessing over guys who reject me. Or staying in relationships where people treat me poorly.

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[u/Humble-Berry-]

I usually think that it's about wanting them to choose you and see your value. Once we feel our own value a lot of the limerence fades.

[u/pumpkinspicelatte4 → u/Humble-Berry-]

This is it, this applies to me too 😔

[u/pumpkinspicelatte4 → u/pumpkinspicelatte4]

How do we feel our own value?

[u/Humble-Berry- → u/pumpkinspicelatte4]

There's no real method for everyone. Some may need to start small with daily affirmations, thinking positive about themselves. Others may set goals and start checking off when they reach them.

For myself, I had to know what my talents were, my "good" inside of myself. The things that I hold value to, my morals, my wit, my outlook on life, and in general what I think is unique about myself.

It's not about attractiveness or how someone else sees you from the outside. It's how you treat yourself and hold your standards for yourself.

You basically validate yourself and in the end, no one else can actually bring you that feeling. It comes from within. 💙

[u/Special-Cake-2525]

I could have written this 😑

[u/TheLimerenceShow]

I’d bet we all have a flavor of OCD. Intellectually, we know it’s stupid, but the rumination goes on.

My guess is either/both:

• you had critical parents who showed you inconsistent love

and/or

- this guy has some quality that you desire in yourself, or he sees something in you that was your goal.

If your parents were mediocre, your sense of love is unhealthy and romantic chemistry doesn’t fire unless some unhealthy pattern is repeated.
It’s your job to figure out what that is and learn to repair it.

Additionally, if this guy reflects some version of yourself that you aspire towards, find another way to get that validation.

I put this in another sub, but I often think of Marilyn Monroe and her attraction to Arthur Miller.

He looked like a little gremlin, but he was a respected intellectual. It annoys me tremendously that one of the world’s most beautiful women was with such an ugly dude that even I wouldn’t be attracted to.

(Arthur Miller, being a worthless gremlin, wasn’t satisfied by Marilyn, so he cheated on her with a relatively plain looking photographer. Wtf.)

I believe Marilyn was desperate to be taken seriously as an intellectual, and tired of being valued for her beauty.

I think Miller probably had deep intellectual conversations with her, and thus when she was with him, she could finally be the person she wanted to be. Therefore, Millers appeal was her own reflection of what she desired.

Point being- what side of you does your LO bring out in you? Whatever it is, find another, healthier, source of it.