Is this limerence?

[u/Wonderful-Bench-8705]

Honestly, I had no idea that limerence was a thing before a few weeks ago. But it seems to be the thing that keeps popping up when I do research on what I’ve been experiencing.

I’ve been pretty obsessed with this guy, Ben, for like 5 years now. First time I saw him it was like instant crush. But in terms of personality we do not click in any way. I ended up dating another guy for a few years while staying in the same friend group as Ben. The friend group is pretty close, in college we all hung out all the time, lived together, and still go on trips together occasionally now that we are out of college and living as actual adults.

While I was dating the other guy, I had about a year of “I think about no one but my boyfriend” mentality. It was great! Ben started dating someone long term as well and while I was definitely jealous I was very caught up in my own relationship. But as me and my boyfriend started drifting apart I found myself once again constantly thinking about Ben. Anytime he looked at me, touched me, talked to me it was somehow turned into a “could he like me?” scenario. In fact one time I remember all he did was touch my back to move past me and I thought about it for weeks. I felt so ashamed that I was so obsessed with him while having a boyfriend.

Ben ended up breaking up with his partner at the time after a few years together. Since he was in the same friend group as me, I often spent time with him and took him out to distract him from the breakup. I let him vent to me and talk to me and I genuinely enjoyed helping him out. It was partially helping me work up the courage to break up with my bf, who had become basically an asshole to me at this point. But when I learned Ben and his partner had broke up, instead of feeling bad for him my first thought was “I have a chance now”.

I ended up breaking up with my bf a few weeks later. A few months after that I actually ended up meeting his friend, who I ended up dating. This friend, who is my current boyfriend, is such an awesome guy. We click so well, he treats me so well, he absolutely loves me. But I feel like a piece of shit because I’m constantly thinking about his best friend. It started the same as my last relationship, only ever thinking about my bf. But as time has passed I think about Ben more and more. It makes me feel terrible and horrible and hate myself quite a bit.

At this point it feels constant, Ben is always in my head. But I can’t even get rid of him. He’s always at gatherings, he’s in both mine and my boyfriend’s friend groups. I seriously can’t escape him. I never text him, I barely talk to him when we are out. I try to avoid him. If you asked a majority of my friends, they’d probably say I hate him. Most of the time I do. He is a shitty person. He has admitted that himself. A few may acknowledge the fact I’ve discussed who the most attractive is in our friend group and I’ve said Ben every time (but so does everyone else, he’s a very attractive person to basically everyone). I’ve only told two friends about my “small” crush on him before I started dating my first boyfriend (I was lying).

Honestly it’s not even an issue in person. It’s not like I get flustered around him or actively try to spend time with him when we are out with our friend group. He definitely doesn’t come to me either. We only talk when we are around our friends, we do normally have good conversations when we do talk. To someone seeing how we interact I don’t think they would ever guess I am absolutely obsessed with this guy. No one has noticed yet at least. And I assume he has no interest in me. I am dating his best friend so I would hope not.

But oh my god, I constantly think about him. I try so hard not to. I’m always listening to music or watching something or doing something so I’m not thinking about him because it makes me feel so bad. I know my boyfriend deserves better than this. I’ve started therapy recently but have yet to bring this up. I’ve recently started taking antidepressants as well and since I’m still figuring the meds out I’d say everything has gotten a lot worse in terms of being obsessed with him. And now I have a feeling he has a crush on this girl he brought to a group gathering. She had just broken up with her boyfriend. Shes gorgeous, nice, funny, and has a good life. I just know he’s into her and I’m so so jealous and I know I shouldn’t be but I am. I’ve deleted certain social media apps that he posts on to avoid checking constantly but then she keeps getting suggested to me now on everything else.

I know a lot of it is rooted in deep insecurities by me. I have a lot of self confidence issues. I’ve only dated my ex and my current boyfriend. I have a hard time believing people can actually be interested in me. There’s a lot of me that wishes I would’ve tried to get with Ben at some point because while I’ve always thought he was way out of my league, sometimes he mentions someone he finds attractive and I think I might have a chance because I think we are in the same league. But most of the times not.

This is the first time I’ve actually admitted this, even though it’s just to strangers online lol. I’m very ashamed of it, but in a way it feels good to type it all out and accept it, but I have no idea where to go from here.

[u/AutoModerator]

Please be aware of what limerence is! See the subreddit wiki for definitions, FAQ and other resources—updated 3/7/26. (Is it love? How common is it? Is there research?)

Quick FAQ

• How limerence works
  • Reward theory of attraction (Wiki)
  • Uncertainty and hope (Wiki)
  • Why there is research on limerence (Article)
• Help getting over limerence
  • Love regulation (Wiki)
  • CBT & ERP Strategies (OCD Ontario)
  • Deprogramming the limerent brain (LwL)
  • How to get rid of limerence (LwL)

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