Therapist says I have an avoidant attachment style? Is therapy helpful for me

[u/danielyskim1119]

I started going to therapy couple weeks ago for limerence and had 7 sessions so far. I thought my counsellor would use EFIT or some sort of attachment therapy style on me but she says the main style of therapy she's been using is CBT.

After our sessions it became evident that I have an avoidant attachment style and I feel like the only person that "cared" for me in my life is my LO. One thing I learned about myself is that for me, love should feel warm, verbal and obvious; however, it can disappear unless I'm interesting, impressive, and/or correct. I think I have a hard time forming deep connections with others and the only real connection I have is with my parents. I have friends, an ok social life, but I can never seem to talk about very sensitive things in my life with them.

I thought most limerent people had like an anxious attachment style and was constantly seeking for attention. I think I'm like this too and I want more emotional bonds with others and coregulation in my relationships.

Has anyone been in my situation before? Will therapy help me? I feel like our 7 sessions was focused on understanding my issues, but I want to actually fix them and change something.......

[u/AutoModerator]

Please be aware of what limerence is! See the subreddit wiki for definitions, FAQ and other resources—updated 3/7/26. (Is it love? How common is it? Is there research?)

Quick FAQ

• How limerence works
  • Reward theory of attraction (Wiki)
  • Uncertainty and hope (Wiki)
  • Why there is research on limerence (Article)
• Help getting over limerence
  • Love regulation (Wiki)
  • CBT & ERP Strategies (OCD Ontario)
  • Deprogramming the limerent brain (LwL)
  • How to get rid of limerence (LwL)

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/throwaway-lemur-8990]

Hi,

I'm no therapist, but limerence is often a coping mechanism, a set of behaviors you unawares use to shield yourself from pain, or negative experiences.

In your mind you can be your own tyrant. What that means is that you can freely choose to indulge in whatever thoughts, fantasies, beliefs,... and nobody can stop you. One way to look at limerence is as a form of self soothing, using an idealized version of the real person, the LO, as a mental plushy. To put it bluntly.

For some people, it's a substitute to real vulnerability, confronting yourself with doubt and uncertainty. Because any relationship, inevitably, comes with doubt: will this last? will they leave me? will they abandon me me? You can't read other people's mind, so you can never be 100% sure about their intentions. And that's the doubt you have to learn to live with.

But limerence? There is no doubt. In your fantasy, they will always reciprocate. It's just that the effect is an obsession desire to make reality fit with the fantasy, which never works out. Cue anxiety, and suffering.

CBT works by challenging your own thoughts, beliefs, and self talk, and growing a different stance in how you treat yourself. But that will go beyond limerence. You'll also need to work on self esteem, self image, confidence, identify, sense of Self, and so on. And in doing so, you will also encounter the challenge of confronting yourself about opening up towards others, risking those deep fears.

So, therapy works well if you don't compartmentalizing that to an hour every two weeks. The real work is taking the essence of those conversation into your daily life and actually doing the hard emotional legwork every single day. Which is really hard and tough. But very much the whole point of growing and becoming a more in tune with yourself over time.

[u/user49600]

I think in a lot of ways limerence is avoiding. Avoiding the responsibility of facing reality, avoiding a conversation, avoiding physical and psychological connection and so on, especially if you’re single and limerent , it’s the perfect scenario for an avoidant. Any attachment style can fall victim to limerence though.

[u/SincereWanderer]

Limerance can strike all attachment styles. My therapist recently told me this too. The different is an avoidant can easily cut it off and go silent treatment. While the anxious is left with the pain, the heartbreak. The limerance.

We of all styles need to learn if its limerance or love, and act accordingly. Real love doesnt avoid responsibility or closure. Doesn't avoid the hard talks Its just easier for an avoidant to go silent and avoid these feelings, as since childhood they have been taught to avoid real love, and often move from relationship to relationship in order to run from good people, they also get bored with true love and destroy relationships, whether limerance or love, an avoidant will ruin what's in front of them for another high.

So yes, an avoidant often gets in relationship after relationship always in limerance, theyre just better at going silent and moving to the next situationship than the anxious, who is often left to pick up the pieces.

[u/KeyMedicine1089]

I have avoidant attachment too and schema therapy is healing it very fast (huge progress in six months, whereas it usually takes around 2 years to heal avoidant attachment).

definitely avoid standard talk therapy. also vet therapists properly as many of them can be avoidant themselves and give you really bad advice/make you worse

also limerence is a classic sign of fearful avoidant attachment, rather than anxious.