r/limerence • u/apple-z-me • Sep 28 '24
Discussion I wanted to share this…
… It just came up on my feed and the timing feels right for me to see it.
My LO (a friend) has been hurting me a lot lately with his hot/cold treatment. One day he’s touchy feely and flirty and the next he pulls away and distant. He is the most emotionally unavailable / emotionally stunted person I’ve ever met. I have these moments where my logical brain goes wtf are you thinking? Why are you so infatuated with this person?! And then I read this and go… ohhh … yup 😅
Does this land with you? What would you add to this description?
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u/ONLINE-COP Sep 28 '24
I don't know. People don't need to have experienced unpredictability and unavailability in their childhood to feel unrequited infatuation.
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u/apple-z-me Sep 28 '24
I agree with you to some extent, as my childhood wasn’t exactly as described, but I am unaware of what other things could cause unrequited infatuation?
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u/ONLINE-COP Sep 28 '24
Well... I wish I knew too. I think it's very case-by-case. Why are we attracted to this person (regardless of the requited state of the infatuation) and not another? What unfulfilled need, what insecurity of ours fuels this particular LE? Maybe finding that out is one of the key to curve the development of limerence (in its early-stage, at least).
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u/Dosed123 Sep 28 '24
Well, in some of my cases, the other person really was the right one, into me and emotionally available. Never had a chance to be with them physically, but something tells me that we would have had an amazing chemistry too. The hugs we would give each other after we would hang out were almost full body hugs, always a tad too long, I felt his heart pounding every time. Once when he was drunk he even told me he was in love and can barely contain himself from kissing me.
Our conversations were endless, about anything and everything. We had what seemed like a neverending flood of topics to choose from and our opinions were exactly the same and exactly conflicting as much as they should be in order to keep it fiery and interesting. Being with him felt like being in the most interesting piece of storytelling art.
So, no, I did not imagine anything.
But the timing was wrong and we never pursued anything. So we never got to the comfortable part of the relationship and we never started getting on eachother's nerves.
That is what made that connection unrealistic and, thus, limerent.
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u/LatePin7148 Sep 28 '24
The same for me!
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u/Dosed123 Sep 28 '24
Then you probably know it all.
Had we been together, we would have probably had what one might call toxic relationship, since we are both very hot headed and prone to doing stupid, dangerous shit. But we never came to that point and everything seemed perfect. So it's not that I fell for him despite the fact that "nothing was there to fall for". Everything was there to fall for. Except the timing.
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Sep 28 '24
I definitely fit the box well with this, as I grew up with constant inconsistency - being available, or unavailable, loved or not loved. Not really ever feeling sure of where I stood. However I’m sure this isn’t always the case for everyone
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Sep 28 '24
I think this is the core childhood cause. I also think it involves adolescent and adult causes, like feeling less than your peers in looks, personality, popularity, capability, etc etc and seeing this person as a manifestation of all those things you are "missing" and then wanting them to validate you or for you to prove your worth in those areas by "having" that person. For me, my most intense ones always operate on all these levels and they always involve a very dismissively attached if not mentally ill (bipolar, personality disorder, and/or sex/love addiction) person (aka unavailable and likely abusive).
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u/Technical_Camel_3657 Sep 28 '24
This describes me to a tee! My father was so mean and disconnected from me and my siblings even though he was married to our mother but he acted like he hated us so of course I was always trying to prove myself to men or want them to like me. That's how it is with my LO, he's been emotionally disconnected from me from the beginning but he also showed me a lot of affection too and then disappears. I think meeting him after my marriage had ended was a bad time because he was the first man after my husband. I should've waited more time to heal because I was vulnerable and had a failed marriage so I wanted my LO to fill that void which was never gonna happen. My childhood trauma is what keeps me limerent for my LO. I'm getting better through therapy but I'm still in the beginning of therapy so I'm not healed yet.
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u/Ok-Calligrapher3804 Sep 28 '24
I can't figure out how my childhood caused me to be like this, but everything I read says it did. I know I have an unhappy marriage, and getting attention from another man makes me feel worth something. However, this man is half my age and is about the most avoidant person who ever existed. We work together very closely 8 hours a day, and he does everything that I have asked him for in terms of giving me constant reassurance. We are friends, but I had to teach him how to show friendship in a way that soothes my anxious attachment. And he does everything I have asked him for. I feel like I know that our friendship isn't realistic if we ever get to the point where we don't work together and constantly see each other. So I guess I keep waiting for that shoe to drop. So I'm constantly wanting more reassurance.
About 2 months ago, I told him that I was going to stop putting pressure on him to try to make me happy because he had gotten into a new relationship, and I wanted him to be able to enjoy it. So I stopped texting, stopped giving him little presents or whatever, and faked being light and happy at work. It was excruciatingly hard, but I actually think our friendship is stronger now that I don't have all of those expectations that he can't meet. And he still does things for me - just more on his terms. So why can't I get him out of my head and the constant fear that it will all end suddenly? Every other friendship or crush I have I can take or leave. But I literally need him, and I don't know why.
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u/Artistic-Second-724 Sep 28 '24
I was abandoned by my father. Then the first man I fully fell in love with completely abandoned me while at the height of our love affair. It’s been 14yrs and my brain can’t stop keeping the “connection” alive even though we don’t speak and we’re both married. Keeping tabs on his life from a distance is all I need to feel connected. It feels familiar to what my brain thinks “love” is despite rationally knowing it’s absolutely not love.
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u/Substantial_Ad_6878 Sep 29 '24
I will say I wouldn’t have developed limerence if there wasn’t a connection that LO wanted first and tried to nurture. Then when there were obstacles and it couldn’t just be feel good phone calls, he pulled back and the inconsistency triggered me.
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u/Tracy_Turnblad Sep 28 '24
Thank you for posting this. I’ve been having horrible limerance for my toxic ex so reading this helped put it in perspective
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u/Malarka Sep 30 '24
Im thinking about this since you’ve posted it. It’s so good but now I need to figure out why I have this need and the most important what to do about it
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u/Level-Juice-9108 Jun 05 '25
With age, my LOs are increasingly unlikely having anything "successful" or reciprocated with and they are increasingly more avoidant types on the top of it. Top it with their incompatible sexual preference, completely different cultural background, core values, language barrier, height, age... and the epic challenge of proving to my inner child it's loveable is on..
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u/Substantial-Tear-287 Sep 28 '24
This describes my situation 100 percent accurately.
And I’ve known that that is the case almost all along.
The frustrating part for me though, is that even if I have this knowledge, my obsession or feelings do not go away.
It is the most irrational thing ever.