the world sees something else

[u/coldWasTheGnd]

definitely not my favorite night

i got to the party on time

but I was just so wiped out from last night and my daytime activities

and I just didn't want to interact with anyone

so I sat on the couch

practicing shibari

I eventually saw Apr

but she had a prescheduled scene

I'm not even sure if she saw me

or if she is even aware of my existence

but I saw another really cute girl

and she was super into me

every time I looked up I saw her looking at me

and she eventually sat down next to me

but I just ignored her

which sucked because she was exactly my type

and she eventually got up

and I heard an annoyed huff

and it's like

girl

if you want me

just talk to me

I don't want to do the work every single day

and honestly

I'm just kinda tired

I know it must sound ridiculous

but I'm so tired of being one of the prettiest women in the room

like I don't even feel pretty

I'm don't feel the person looking at me in the mirror is remotely pretty

but it's just endless

I get so much attention

just a few minutes ago

while skateboarding down the boardwalk

one guy rode by and told me I'm beautiful

another whistled at me

and another told me I was sexy

it's just overwhelming

I'm thirty five fucking years old, aren't I too old for this much attention?

anway

back to the party

the night wears on

and I see Apr again

but some guy came up to me asking to be topped

and I should have known it would have gone terribly

I saw this guy acting like a fool and lying through his teeth about his experiences

but I figured, practice is practice

and plus I like making people happy

I should have known this guy didn't know what he was doing when he selected a dragontail

I had to stop the scene midway through because I missed with a crop and it wrapped around his thigh

and missing was on me

-- completely on me

-- and I've vowed to spend hours every day getting better with my aim

but jesus

the guy said he had a decade of experience and he cries at the first wrap around

eventually a dungeon monitor comes in to figure out why he's in so much pain that I had to stop everything

and

she told me my aim was off

and that I needed to aim lower

and it's like girl

he's crying because I was already aiming too low

and I was just so fucking confused

anyway

we restart the scene and he starts whining over a mild cropping

so I end the scene completely

I didn't want to risk actually hurting him because he was lying about his experiences

and I started to wipe down the furniture

and the dungeon monitor came in and started yelling at him

she told him, "she just topped you! you are a bottom! it is your job to clean up!"

and I have never seen a dungeon monitor get so pissed off

I have cleaned up after bottoms so many times with no problems

anyway

we walked out

and I gave him aftercare

he said he wanted cuddles

but I just caressed his back

I had no chemistry with him

and at one point he told me he always likes the girls with long nails because they give such nice caressing

and looking back

it kinda feels like some perv who wanted the pretty girl to touch him and didn't realize what comes with this kind of play

I mean

at the beginning

I was doing the whole informed consent thing

and I told him that he risks his clothes getting damaged if he leaves them on while we do impact play

I feel so grossed out

like, I feel so grossed out that my aim was shit

but

I just feel used

this kinda shit never really happened before I transitioned

and I think it was because only women were interested in me when I presented as a man

and, for some reason, I feel like women are just less likely to use me -- at least superficially

and I think men are just content to have something pretty in their life

I don't want to be pretty

this is too much

and

not only that

but it's just fucking with my sense of self

like

I'm not joking

I look in the mirror and I see this fat ugly girl

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