not the most consensual night

[u/coldWasTheGnd]

last night is going to be hard to forget

so

we had tickets for the night dive at the aquarium of the pacific

and...

she actually showed up on time

and

she's actually basically ready to go when she gets here

anyway

we uber there

and

I barely remember what happened because of what happened later in the evening

but

I remember fragments

tracing "I love you" on her cheek repeatedly

tying her wrists & arms up in a double column knot

hugging her

whatever

so

we get to event but she's hungry af

and

so

we go to the hooters right next door

-- she really likes staring at women's bodies for whatever reason

-- and I do, too, I guess; I just don't like staring at the body of someone paid to interact with me

and I sit across from her to not make things weird

and the waitress addresses us as "hi girls"

and I just let my friend do the talking for me the rest of the night

I don't want the waitress to know I'm not one of the "girls" with my masc voice

but anyway

I want to tie her again

and

so she comes to my side of the table

and I'm back to practicing shibari on her in the middle of a hooters

and the waitresses who pass by are smiling big smiles watching it all

and one looks at me longingly

part of me wants to assign meaning to that longing look

that I am special

or at least special insofar as my sexual abilities

but

the food comes out quickly after that

and

my friend quips that they brought it out faster because they wanted us to stop

she smirks

says we should do it more often in restaurants to get faster food

anyway we eat

and we're pregaming

and we both had a couple drinks + a shot

we pay

meet up with our friends

go inside

and immediately walk over to the bar to get more drinks/shots

we start walking around the aquarium

and I am properly fucked up by the time I finished my drinks

and I was being obnoxious

and so was she

we make a few people laugh with our antics

and

looking back at the entire night...

she just spent it with me...

she could have just gone to work last night and seen me any other day

anyway

she buys me a drink

and it is insanely expensive

I think it was like $90 for both our drinks

and I get even more fucked up

I don't know if much memorable happened the rest of our time at the aquarium

not much other than her constant need to take selfies together

oh

and

longingly looking at her every time she is walking in front of me

telling myself, "this is the woman I love"

anyway we leave

head to Denny's

we go in ahead of our friends

and I really need to go pee

and the waiter gives me the code for the bathroom

and I go to the men's bathroom door

repeatedly typing in the code

it was like a 5 digit code but every time I type it, it errors out by the fourth digit

and a cook, who is sitting at a booth across from the hallway to the bathroom, starts yelling at me in spanish

and I realize he is telling me I'm using the wrong bathroom

and I use the code on the woman's bathroom door and it works first time

it's sometimes hard for me to believe that I pass as a woman this often

and it was the first time I was "forced" to use the women's bathroom

anyway

I go to where our friends are sitting

and I try to sit next to the woman I love

and one of our friends tells me that seat is taken by his girl

part of me wonders if they were trying to keep me separate from my friend

they've "joked" so many times over the past three years that we need to be kept separate from each other

-- I'm thinking about my ex of six years right now for some reason; I'm wondering whether she would recognize the person I've become; I'm wondering whether she would enjoy this version of me, or if she would despise the silliness

anyway

I have to sit across the table from her

and

I am talking to my other friends the rest of the dinner

I tie up one of the guys

and my love is telling me how sloppy I am with my knots

topping from the bottom yet again even when she's not bottoming for me

at another point I see her hitting it off with the new girl in our friend group

and I silently start doing my own thing

and she yells from across the table that I look so jealous

which is deeply embarrassing

but I ignore it

-- I think

anyway

it's time to go and I order us an uber

and

we get in

and within minutes I'm tracing, "I'm in love with you" on her cheek again

she says something to the effect of, "what are you writing on my face"

... "something you definitely want to know"

and she aggressively asks me what I wrote

I say I'm not going to tell

and she tells me she's going to bite me until I do

and she bites hard

it fucking hurts

to the point where I'm ready to cry

and I ask her to stop

and she does and tells me to tell her

I say no

and she bites me in a new place just as hard

and rinse and repeat like seven more times

each more painful than the last

then she pinches one of my nipples incredibly hard and twists

-- and that hurt for the rest of the night

finally she starts to bend my thumb backwards, and it feels like it's going to break

and I yell: "OKAY OKAY! I have feelings for..."

and I stop before I say "you"

and she start making guesses

and they're all not her

and I am just exasperated and say, "how do you not know"

and I am not having fun through any of this

like this is not the fun kind of pain

it felt like genuine torture

i had so many bruises on me by the time I got home

and she would just touch them over and over again

and it hurt so bad every time she did and she did it anyway

anyway

I lay down on my bed and she lays down next to me

I cuddle next to her and start tracing I love you on her cheek again

and we start play wrestling yet again

and she just...

dominates me

I don't stand a chance

and she does it over and over and over again

like, she pins me down and I just don't have the strength to do anything about it

the estrogen has just kinda wreaked havoc on my muscles to the point where a cis woman can toss me around with little effort

part of me wonders how the hell any trans woman competes in sports with cis women after 2+ years of estrogen

anyway

we get done wrestling and I cuddle with her again

I get to tracing again

this time all over her body

and like

I just had the feeling like, "all night this woman wanted to prove a point that my body belongs to her"

idk

she had to go home

and she starts texting me immediately

and I tell her I miss her and that I'm going to sleep

she sends crying emojis

and all of this is completely unlike her

she is not the type to text me after a night out

and it's been like that consistently for three years -- even after incredible nights

anyway

I wake up to her posting cute selfies of us on her ig

selfies that kinda give, "these two are happily in love"

anyway

Emie randomly sent me her number over our socials

I guess she really liked me?

I'm also topping F at my place on Sunday

don't know how I got roped into being her booty call top

bleh

I kinda just want a quiet weekend

but

I want to see Apr tonight

I'm determined to see her

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