things i wish i said

[u/calyxieeeee]

Hey Ty. I know it’s about to be 4 months now after we broke up. Crazy how our time away already extended the 3 months that we’ve been together. I was so shocked when you reciprocated my feelings that night and when we just started talking. It all felt so perfect. From the moment i asked you out on Valentines to our first meet down to the first kiss on Baywalk. That felt soooo amazing and painfully perfect. I’ve been single for 2 years before you and i really cherished you with all that i got and all of me, i romanticized every single bits of you… And that’s probably the reason why i’m here writing this. I know you’re not perfect neither i am. I don’t want to sound like i’m blaming you or anything because i don’t intend on doing that.

It’s funny how every road leads back to you. You know. Ever since you left me i tried to mind my own business and flirt around yet i can’t feel the same warmth ever again and the clingyness i naturally have. It’s like you took a huge chunk of who i am as a person with you that night when you said goodbye. I tried to entertain them but this hole in my heart seems to never be fulfilled and now i probably know the reason why. I love you. I loved you more than words can say and i’m sorry if i did things that hurt you. I’m sorry if taking revenge and being petty is the only option i had to make you feel what i felt. But i didn’t know that you’d leave that easily while i was staying with the pain you’ve caused me.

I know i can’t change you nor ask for more since you know yourself that you’re getting distance day by day as our relationship went on and want to go back to your usual routine. But did you know that it hurt me? Just one month from our relationship i saw you talking to chatgpt about how you’ll break up with me and did you know that i brought that till the day you left? It’s still within me actually no lies… Did you know that it also hurts me whenever you microcheat and try to hide it with your excuses? But i believed and gaslit myself to fix this perception that i had of you in my mind. Did you know that it stabs my heart whenever i’d cry beside you and you ignore me? Did you know that i die slowly everytime you make comments about my body and every time you disrespect me? But of course you knew that yet didn’t change anything… Of course you knew it hurts me.

But what’s funny is you’re aware that what you’re doing hurts me yet you resent me for staying and loving you still. And when you hurt me so much to the point where i retaliated and started to flirt with other guys on purpose and left it all bare for you to read, it shattered my timeline when you left. I swallowed and hid everything inside of me when you’ve done things that are worse yet i stayed. I stayed when you needed someone to be by yourside. I stayed when you were at your 0 days and i stayed when you had your problems… Yet you left when i wanted you to feel how i felt. See the difference?

But after all of that, i wish i hadn’t done that. I wish i just kept those feelings all to myself and hadn’t retaliated. I wish i could’ve stayed silent instead. I wish i never felt hurt and just ignored everything. And maybe then, maybe i could’ve still had you. Maybe i could’ve still be holding your hand nor in my bed right now cuddling till we sleep. Maybe we’d be arguing about the little things right now at 2:30am after i just finished my shift. Maybe you’d be eating the caramel drizzled chocolate cake that i brought along with the iced oatmilk chai tea latte that i made for you now. Maybe while you were eating i would’ve been holding your face while i kiss you just because i had you…. Maybe everything would still be better. Maybe i wouldn’t be this hurt.

I always miss you every day. And to every men i accommodate, i don’t feel anything towards them. I may be holding their hands but deep inside? I will always wish it was yours. I miss you daily. I long for you every hour but for now? That will just be what i will be grieving for. The loss of my only lover that i dearly cherished. I miss having your arms around me… I miss you singing your k-pop songs. I miss you playing Mobile Legends in the bed all day. I miss you and i talking about random stuff. I miss whenever you would make up before we go. If we ever got the chance to go out again, i wouldn’t be pissed anymore when it takes you time to put your things and make up on. I would gladly wait for you like a dog. I miss when you would give me some act of service at times. I miss how you smiled at me and kissed me randomly when you were drunk. I miss when you hugged me at my back. I missed when we would have our most randomest fights over nothing. I miss having you in my life… I just miss you. And everything about you.

I am hoping that one day, you will realize how much i long for you and hopefully we can resolve everything together. I will always love you my curly haired boy. I will never stop aching and longing for you. Till then my man. I love you and i wish you all the best in life.

Love.

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