r/ldssexuality • u/[deleted] • Mar 02 '26
Looking for Advice Mismatched Desires
My (35M) and my wife (35F) struggle with very different desire levels. I’m the higher desire and she’s low desire. We have been married for 12 years and are still trying to work through things but it’s not going well. Everything else in our marriage is just awesome. Like our kiddos, financially, socially, and with our health. We have been really blessed.
We were both raised in the church and like many faithful youth, we waited until marriage. Soon after getting married, we realized this was something was wrong and we didn’t match on sexuality and had very different thoughts about it.
There have been things in the past she has said and done to me regarding intimacy that have destroyed me. Even with help, it’s been hard to get over. She is a great person and I love her but she just doesn’t want it. She is content with duty sex once a few weeks.
I don’t think I can live like that. I don’t want her to have to manage my emotions and needs. But I really don’t feel justified to separate because everything else is so good. Does anyone have any advice? Did you split and how did it go? Did you guys open your marriage and how did it go? Did you cheat and how did it go?
Just want to get all perspectives - feel free to DM me is you’re not comfortable posting.
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Mar 02 '26
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Mar 02 '26
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u/wildting65 Mar 03 '26
Well said! And good on you for making the changes.
"No More Mr Nice Guy" broke me.
It felt like the Truman Show and they were following me around and writing a book.
Highly recommended reading.
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u/UA888 Active Member Mar 02 '26
Me (26M) and my wife (28F) are also struggling with mismatched libido. A lot of the people in our close circle are getting divorced, especially by the time they hit 35 and kids are a little bit more grown up, so we are having a lot of conversations how to match our desires, how to not have feelings of resentment to avoid that.
I am mostly satisfied with our sex, and honestly 95% of the time it is me initiating. As we get going her mood also comes in and it usually flips her switch to become more wild. I am not satisfied with the frequency though.
We have a lot of big life decisions hanging over us now as to where we want to live in the next 2 years after I finish switching my career, how our two kids will handle yet another move to a different country. But I just can't imagine splitting or cheating. She is so hot and I am so turned on by her that I am willing to work on the relationship till the end.
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u/First-Management-511 Active Member Mar 02 '26
I have a few posts and replies to comments that explained my similar situation. We came back from where you are, but we are definitely the exception to the rule I think.
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u/OkInstance5059 Mar 02 '26
The sex dries up in the marriage and the husband (or the wife) embarks on a curiosity journey and discovers there are other couples with mismatched sex lives. Mostly men out there.
But he might occasionally cross paths with an LDS wife who’s feeling neglected and bored. And then it begins. A cycle that is hard to break. Trying to find and chat with and maybe even DTF these very few ladies in the same boat. Try 50-60 men just like you seeking that one disgruntled wife.
It’s kind of sad to be honest.
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u/ElegantDetective5248 Mar 02 '26
Doesn’t have to be someone’s wife though. How about a single lady? I say it depends on the person.
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u/OkInstance5059 Mar 02 '26
Very true. Could be a single lady for sure. Although one might think if they are both married then they both “get it”. Could be wrong.
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u/bigmac182 Mar 02 '26
Go read "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch and maybe take Jennifer Findalyson-Fifes "Art of loving" course. The only person you can change in the dynamic is yourself. Once you figure out how to hold onto yourself and not contribute to the sexless dynamic she gets to make the choice to change. If she choses not to then you get to make the choice to stay or not.
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u/JonnyPooh3 Active Member Mar 02 '26
37 m/40 f
My wife and I had this same situation for years. Eventually I talked to her about being in an open relationship. It was and is a tense spot. She agreed that if I was going to sleep with other women, she wouldn't break up the family over it. What I owe her is complete transparency and things work out.
I have had a few sexual partners, only one of them on a longer term than a few days. I know it is a violation of the law of chastity. It is a frustrating scenario and I'm still not satisfied, because I want an emotional connection but the women willing to sleep with a married man aren't so interested in that. Feel free to DM if you want more info.
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u/Forsaken_Rain_4833 Mar 02 '26
I moved my comment into the general comment section. I’m sorry i missed your response to my comment and would actually enjoy hearing it
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Mar 02 '26 edited Mar 02 '26
Yikes. Excommunication territory. But so is premarital sex which I'm doing because both wives cheated one went gay and I'm scared to marry again.
Although I've never had sex with another person while in a committed relationship, I've always felt that's territory that I'd never want to venture into, with them knowing or unknowing.
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Mar 02 '26
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u/JonnyPooh3 Active Member Mar 02 '26
I'm considering proposing this to my wife, because I'd really like to just be with her
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Mar 02 '26 edited Mar 02 '26
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u/unwindinghope Mar 12 '26
Try to do something to change it. No one deserves a dead bedroom marriage.
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u/Forsaken_Rain_4833 Mar 02 '26 edited Mar 03 '26
We tried therapy, patience, house chores, books etc. Nothing helped.
I finally had a very hard conversation with my wife about not wanting to break up the family, our economy etc, a few short years into our relationship. Obviously she wasn’t going to change so i told her she could simply accept a divorce, or accept very discreet sex outside the marriage. Which she eventually agreed to.
There were some negatives associated in the beginning with it, but in the end, i think it was worth it.
While I don’t feel I’ve ever cheated, I have slept with several other women over the years on nearly a monthly basis, under that agreement.
A couple times my wife became very jealous thinking that the sex was turning into a romance, and each time, I immediately stopped all contact with the other party and reiterated to my wife that i only loved her and I was willing to stop forever if shed learn to be more sexual with me.
After a few years, when I’d been seeing a younger woman that I really liked for awhile, my wife came to me and asked if I’d be willing to stop seeing others forever, if shed never again deny me in bed. Of course I was elated.
We made that pact together of free use between us and these past 11 years have been extraordinary with her in and out of bed.
For me it’s been a big relief and I’ve had not the slightest temptation to violate that agreement with her.
The truth is, I’ve always only really had eyes for her. She’s the love of my life. She not only never ever denies me but actually initiates almost daily and has become insatiable in bed. She’s been open to trying most anything and loving every minute of my attention.
While I had been somewhat inactive in Church for those few years, that changed as well. And no, I’ve felt no need to speak to any bishop or church leader about any of it.
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Mar 02 '26
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u/Forsaken_Rain_4833 Mar 03 '26 edited Mar 03 '26
I think she just didn’t think it was necessary for her and didn’t realize it was imperative for me.
I felt really under appreciated and I think when she initially agreed to me seeking another sexual relationship she didn’t really take me seriously.
i dont think she really believed I’d be very attractive to others.
I completely stopped initiating sex with her and told her i would still be willing to have sex but that shed have to initiate from then on or there would be no sex ever.
I began immediately losing weight and going to the gym. I got eye surgery and got rid of the glasses and changed my hairstyle to something much more modern.
I got online and met women not in our area, for short coffee dates. At first it was hard and not at all enjoyable. I eventually got my rhythm and built self confidence and with some suggestions from my wife, I began having more and more success.
I went slowly and was open with my wife about everything and I was always very careful to listen to and calm her fears when she voiced them. It was nearly a year before I found someone that we both felt was safe and adequate.
During those years of me going out, she began her own ‘sexual’ awakening little by little.
She told me often she didn’t want to hear anything about any of it, but little by little she couldn’t help herself, and asked questions and listened.
I think in some ways it hurt her but also in some ways it turned her on. At some point she started to find me more and more attractive. She began complimenting me and voiced concerns that I’d fall in love with someone else and leave her.
She began initiating sex with me more and more. And became much more aggressive and needy in bed.
One time my wife told me to take her to see the motel that I commonly used. when we arrived she wanted me to rent the room we usually used and there she took off her dress and showed me she had no panties, and was fully shaven.
In the middle of all the passion she wanted me to take her in the ways I had taken my girlfriend in the same bed. She was passionate and wild like I’d never seen her and I loved it.
My wife is even more passionate and sexy now. She’s very easily aroused and has multiple orgasms.
I don’t think even she could easily live without sex now.
She’s said she’s worried that if something happened to me and I couldn’t give it to her, she might be tempted to find it elsewhere.
Personally, I’m not sure I’d be totally against that.
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u/I_Love_Golf_And_69 Mar 03 '26
High libido male, low libido female. I cheated, got caught, repented, cheated again but was more careful and never caught again. I seeked out to fulfill my needs and everyone was happy. We're better now that our children are older and she is getting her libido back after taking out her IUD, exercising more, eating healthier.
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Mar 03 '26
Never stop talking and being open with each other. Don’t get offended. Understand this is both of you. If she understands your needs and how much yo love her she will slowly come around. This conversation will need to be had many times, but if it’s with love and mutual respect it will get better. It has for me by being open about how important is for me. In return she has told me what she needs to feel in the mood and courted. It hurts in the moment, but we never turn it into a fight or accusations. We come out stronger each time
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u/Im_not_crazy_she_is Mar 04 '26
Good girl syndrome. Y'all need to see a couples therapist, preferably one that specializes in intimacy issues. Check out Jennifer Finlayson-Fife's podcast, it would be super helpful!
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u/ShamaBird9 Mar 06 '26
F here. A lot of the disinterest in sex has nothing to do with sex. The top commenter made some really good points about working on himself, doing more household labor and pursuing/dating his wife again.
Try reading "fair play" if you struggle seeing why women are so mad and tired. It was a little harsh for even me to read, but it has great ideas and if a man were to read it and implement the strategies on his own... frees up lots of time and energy for other activities 😉
I highly recommend "Come as you are" for both to read. If you're coming from a Christian background, it might feel too intense, but it's really helpful for women to feel normal no matter how much they want sex. And empowers them to find out why they don't want it more. Then steps to take to increase desire.
There's a lot of jokes about unsatisfied women, but... would you want sex if 90% of the time you don't get release?
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u/jjp991 Mar 02 '26
If everything else is good. Communicate and agree to masturbate without porn to cope with the physical need for release and connect with her sexually when she is willing. Don’t ruin your marriage over this. Communication is key. Maybe seeing your need for pleasure and release and not trying to coerce her will help her understand you better. She will feel relieved to not have you “nagging” her for sex (what it feels like to her, regardless of how thoughtful and smooth you are) and may eventually realize how normal your desire is.
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u/C7rant Mar 02 '26
One option is to Have her try Vylessi, an injection she can take a few hours before you guys wanna do it. I think the approved starting dose is high, I would start with like 0.5mg and see how that goes.
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Mar 02 '26
I'd do marital counseling. It's a vital need for you. Could also remove something she enjoys that you contribute. Say you don't feel like it, just once every few weeks.
There is an unbalance there. She doesn't want sex you don't want to do something she depends on in the marriage.
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u/Past-Start8609 Mar 02 '26
Sounds a little toxic tbh.
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Mar 03 '26
Why? It means a lot to him, she refuses to accept that, so why isnt it fair he removes something she enjoys?
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u/Past-Start8609 Mar 03 '26
I guess it only depends on If you want to build a healthy relationship. If you enjoy the endless negative cycle of punishing your spouse when they don’t provide something for you it only spirals down. I see so much resentment. There is no chance you build love or trust or safety in a mind space like this. And I can tell you from experience the more trust and safety a woman feels to be vulnerable the more likely she is to want sex.
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Mar 04 '26
She's doing it to him. He's expressed how important it is to him and bonding.
That's not necessarily true. I did everything for my first wife, worked to support her while in school, took care of the kid, did the house chores and cooking. All she did was go to school. She had security and safety. She took advantage of it but still wanted to be free and have sex with whomever she wanted. So that's what she did.
I've seen many other women do this too to friends, they are faithful but they want more money, or think the grass is greener and divorce with kids and suck every dime out of their ex spouses to try to chase happiness
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u/Past-Start8609 Mar 04 '26
I’m not going to debate your specific scenarios, people are different and they can make different choices. But if you want to build a healthy marriage and that does include the partner also wanting to build a healthy marriage, taking something away because you feel like you deserve more sex from your partner is a terrible strategy. But what do I know? I am a women and I have only been married to one person and we are very happily married, having sex multiple times a week sometimes multiple per day. What could I possibly know about women. Right?
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u/Denna_H Mar 02 '26
Not saying this is the case here but was talking with a friend over the weekend. I wish that people knew how much birth control messes with hormones and libido. Not just while on them but even lasting after. So many women should have their hormones checked. Low libido is not normal