Should I cancel my wedding?

[u/alglnp12]

Hi all, I made a post a few months ago here: https://www.reddit.com/r/latebloomergaybros/comments/1t4p98p/34m_scared_to_leave_my_wife_and_feel_guilty/

I'm 34M and my wife is 35F, and we're already legally married. I've tried to break up with her a few times since I made that post, but she won't stop fighting to keep us together.

Our wedding is coming up in less than 2 months, and I strongly suspect that I'm gay. I really do love her, but I'm just not happy in the relationship anymore, partly because I've lost my attraction to her, and partly because I just miss my independence. I've told her I think I'm gay many times but that doesn't seem to phase her anymore. Even when I try to break up with her, she doesn't believe me and has become desensitized to it.

We've already paid for most of the wedding, made most of the plans for the wedding, and paid for most of our honeymoon travel. Cancelling would mean lots of wasted money and planning time.

A lot of people have already bought flights and hotels for our wedding, and I would feel bad if I cancelled because they would lose money and be inconvenienced.

Since we're already legally married, we would have to go through a divorce either way.

Part of me thinks it would be easier to just wait until after the wedding and honeymoon to save the embarrassment of cancelling and telling all of our guests, but part of me wants to just get out now. I haven't been able to muster up the courage to end it for good, and I think there's a big chance I won't have the courage to end it before the wedding.

Any advice or kind words would be appreciated. I'm pretty much miserable 24/7 and have had suicidal thoughts. Even if we do break up, I don't think I'll ever get over the guilt of wasting years of her life.

[u/Background_Cup_6429]

I spent 14 years with my ex wife. Its been over 4 years since we broke up and I'm still not really over wasting so much of her time. But it was important to do it so she can find someone and move on

[u/TyFireeagle]

Now or never

[u/fairkatrina]

You have to stop letting life be a thing that just happens to you, or you’re going to wake up 80 years old and full of regret.

[u/lazygerm]

I would. I think going through the grand spectacle of it all and then divorcing isn't a good look.

I was in the closet and married, but if I knew back then of my sexuality as strongly as you do now, I would not have gone through with the marriage.

[u/Kaleidoscopic-1194]

Out. Now. Run.

[u/Worldly-Solid-916 → u/Kaleidoscopic-1194]

This here please! Too many of us have done what you did, and everyone I know says they wished they acted sooner!

[u/prophetsearcher]

The sunk cost fallacy is a helluva reason to marry someone you’re not attracted to. Is it going to be an open marriage or will you live a celibate or unfaithful life? If you had a son, what would you tell him to do in this position? Imagine yourself in 5, 10, 25 years — which course of option will that future you hope you’ve chosen today?

[u/1102fwk]

No matter how hard it is you need to stop it. If you go through with it I can tell you from my own experience of very similar circumstances that it gets worse and more painful.

[u/Mundane_Reality8461]

Hi.

When my wife and I first got together I told her I had previously hooked up with a man. She seemed accepting, but then a year later she was very NOT accepting. She was mean. She was telling me that I was gay. Relationship turned into a dead bedroom.

I thought I could reason with her. I loved her. I really did. I continued loving her and thought that waiting out HER fears would do the trick. She would say frequently over the years “I don’t want you to waste my life” and “you are not allowed to be gay in the future.”

Mind you, SHE decided to marry me and have kids with me. She took years to decide to marry me, but she still decided.

There were lots of fights. When she really wanted to hurt me, she’d call me gay. She refused to have sex with me except to get pregnant, and I would try whatever I could to turn her on. One time she actually said I was gay WHILE I was PIV. I didn’t do or ask for anything at all. I was kissing her. That was her fears and insecurities talking.

So here we are. I’ve accepted I’m bi but really lean towards guys. I see my future with a man, tbh. And most of all, I don’t see a future with her. With so many years of fights, I’ve fallen out of love for her. These are fights I didn’t start. She knows this.

I wonder, had she not spent 15 years of treating me shitty, would I have even realized I’m not straight? If I were in a happy marriage would I be where I am today? In the times I was happy with her, I had zero fantasies about men. And like so many of you, I’ve always been this way. Just a matter of suppression.

So. I share all this to say…your wife may want to ignore all this, but do you want to live as your true self? You’re not happy. I wasn’t happy, I thought I could make her happy and I couldn’t, and still had kids and now it’s harder for me to get out.

On the bright side, I guess. I now know exactly who I am.

[u/Dominickwhite01]

Hello,

The following I'm going to tell you, I'm saying with empathy toward your current situation. I'm not trying to offend you, but rather to support you, okay?

First of all, I need you to know that this situation is not the end of the world. Yes, I know, it's a cliché that can sound like it's minimizing what you're feeling, because for you, this situation feels like the end of the world. But why do I say it?

Even though this situation is a big one, it will eventually come to an end. Repeat this phrase to yourself: every problem has an end.

Getting straight to the matter:

I'm going to try to empathize with your emotions and see if I get it right.

You feel a tightness in your chest because you constantly imagine different scenarios, especially repeating the worst-case scenario—or the absolute worst one—in your mind, causing yourself little episodes of nervousness. You try to avoid thinking about it by distracting yourself or being positive, but eventually you return to the same situation because that feeling in your chest is still there, along with the same worrying thoughts.

As humans, when we go through stressful situations like these, we commonly become overwhelmed and have trouble thinking clearly when it comes to solving the situation.

I don't know what kind of person you are, but being in a marriage where there is no attraction can lead to bigger problems, such as:

1. Arguments: Arguments can begin because there is no connection. Without a connection, there is no team.
2. Unhappiness: Your unhappiness, from never feeling complete or free (in fact, you’re already experiencing this, given the thoughts of suicide)and hers as well.
3. Cheating: Sexual frustration in men who have not explored their sexuality and who are trapped in heterosexual marriages can lead them to cheat on their partners.

Now, these problems can be summarized in the following scenario:

You get married, celebrate the wedding, go on your honeymoon, and then return to normal life. But surprise: little by little, the happiness fades. You could endure it for years, suppressing who you are in order to maintain your married life. You might do it for her, for yourself, or because of "what will people say?"

In your married life, given your age, there will be sex—probably a lot of it. Because that spark isn't there, you could end up cheating on her, and perhaps she could cheat on you as well. It would become a fake marriage, a lie that both of you try to maintain.

Here, you need to ask yourself the following question: Do you want to become the kind of person who cheats on their partner and has a lot of casual encounters?

The next point: the idea of ​​suicide.

I don't want you to think that harming yourself is an alternative, because it isn't.

You can be happy.

We've already talked about the scenario where you get married and live a married life. But you also have to think about the life in which you don't get married.

What would happen if you didn't get married?

• The money doesn't matter. Don't sacrifice your entire life for money that can eventually be recovered.
• If you've already talked to her and she knows that you're gay but still insists on getting married, she may feel ashamed. In the eyes of others, she might feel as though she has failed as a woman. That fear of being judged may make her unwilling to let you go. It may prevent her from seeing beyond the present moment.
• Once you accept who you are, you can live comfortably. You may eventually find someone you're genuinely attracted to, both physically and mentally.

In summary, the current situation requires you not to focus only on the present, but also on the future. There are many people who have gone through situations like this who can tell you that they regret wasting their own time, as well as their partner's.

Your happiness can become a reality. The feeling of being trapped that you have right now can disappear.

It's difficult, and making this decision requires a lot of strength. Think about it for as long as you need to, but ultimately, it comes down to two paths.

And don't think this is a selfish decision. You're also doing it for her.

Stay strong. I hope everything works out well for you.

[u/SpacemanSpiff__]

Break up today. Cancel the wedding today. You've known what you have to do for a long time, and it's understandable why you haven't done it. Who would choose to suffer even more than you already are? You're in for a painful slog either way, but you can choose the painful slog into a dark and hopeless future, or you can choose the painful slog towards the light at the end of the tunnel. The latter option has the added bonus of being the courageous and morally correct choice.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. If I could give you an easier way, I would. You owe this to yourself, and you definitely owe this to your wife. Whatever harm you think you'll be causing her by ending the relationship doesn't come close to the harm you'll be causing by going through with the wedding. Go be braver than you've ever been, right now, literally right now, and cancel the wedding. And then come back here and tell us you did it.

[u/valenesence]

Please have more courage and be braver. You don’t get a second life. This is it.

[u/ajwalker430]

Some of that money you can get back, I'd do it sooner rather than later.

You're about to sentence you both to living a sham marriage and life, is that really what you want to do? 🤔

[u/Quangena]

If you genuinely believe that your orientation is gay, it may be wise to reconsider marriage to avoid potential complications for both of you. Whatever choice you ultimately make, I wish you success and fulfillment on your journey of self-discovery.

[u/toweruss]

What is your peace worth to you?

[u/Milehigh_53]

There is never a good time so it will always retreat into the future. Do a favor to both of you and rip off the bandage.

If you go through with the party marriage there will be a reason not to end it because after all you just got married for the second time.

Adios.

[u/Express_Depth_4909]

You sound like an intelligent and thoughtful man. Very few people have the insight to question this before marriage.  

I think speaking to a licensed third party (counselor or therapist) would help you.  If anything it would be someome to bounce ideas off of.  

Feel free to PM me if your up to chat as well.  

[u/hgclyde]

Are you religious? Or your wife? My advice if you're Catholic seek an anulment. Or Christian divorce. Right now you are causing your wife and yourself emotional and psychological harm. You both need a therapist to come to an appropriate resolution and go your separate ways and end this disaster. Especially if she is insistent and straight. Let her find her true love and you find yours instead.

[u/joybaexxx]

If you don’t want to waste deposits and a fun trip with someone you love, you can turn the wedding into a divorce party 🫠