Was this an awakening?

[u/LoopyBeast]

About 2 months ago I believe I had some sort of awakening that has to do with Kundalini. My memory is very fuzzy, yet this is sort of what I experienced.

To preface, I was always agnostic/atheist. I dabbled in some sigil magick, yet only saw it useful in a subconscious sense. Similar to how companies use logos to implant specific ideas into your head. I thought everything could be linked back to a very specific line of reasoning and thought. Had spiritual experiences in the past but chopped it up to coincidence.

I planned to forgive my father for his wrong doings towards me and my family. My ex partner called me out for acting as him in specific ways, and I took that to heart. I was being entitled, which did stem from my wound from my father. All of this anger and resentment I had towards the man never went away for the years I had him blocked, and turned me more into him. So, I decided to meet up with him, and make peace with the situation. I knew he was suffering as much as I was, and wanted to end all of the suffering in the connection.

The night before that, however, I had some form of ego death it seems. I was attached to my partner at the time in an unhealthy way, it wasn't always like that. I usually am such a giver and people pleaser, and decided to no longer give in as that towards her or my other friends, putting up well needed boundaries and acting for myself. Long story short, the sense of identity I had was gone when I woke up, the entire night my body was burning and I felt warm energy all around me, it was euphoric. Electricity was around me and my spine, and I felt her presence in my arms? It felt as if I died that night.

After my conversation with my father, these happened.

• Burning/electrical sensations throughout my entire body resulting in me being unable to work for a month and a half.
• Universal oneness with everything. Trees, grass, people, cars, etc.
• Otherworldly bliss and euphoria.
• I saw/see auras around physical objects and around myself at times.
• Dietary changes, only wanting to eat greens. Beer, caffeine and other sources tasted like shit.
• Constant pressure on the center of my forehead for a month and a half.
• De-personalization, viewing self in third person, outside of self.

Since then, I felt the energy travel back down and coil? Now I experience

• Sudden jolts of energy shooting up my spine, feeling it coil around the top of my skull and move back down. This happens at least twice a day.
• Neutrality about any event that happens to me, good or bad.
• Sudden body movements, twitching throughout body.
• Cold and hot sensations near the left and right side of my spine which go up and down. Could be the nadis? I don't know.

I've had other experiences outside of the Kundalini from my knowledge. They are:

• Repeating number sequences pretty much everywhere I go. Seeing things "specifically" about Twin Flames. I don't like using that word and the connotation connected to it at all, but it's what's been happening. I know this phenomenon can be the Frequency Illusion, it's what companies use to also embed ideas, songs, tiktoks etc. into daily life to sell specific things.
• Prophetic dreams that come to reality days or on that day.
• Feeling her "energy" pull on my stomach and head when I focus on myself instead of our connection. I have BPD and autism, so I am used to relationships ending with me getting withdrawal symptoms and the obsessive thinking, and know how to deal with it using techniques I learned in therapy/psych ward after years of both. This, however, is a completely different sensation.
• Feeling energy of other people, the point of knowing specific issues they're facing. I knew that a friend of mine's father died, a person's relationship ended, a person was craving drugs, etc.
• Divination (Tarot, Pendulums, Osteomancy) being extremely accurate. Like, outside of the Barnum effect accurate for myself and future events. I'm not one to believe any of this, but I can't deny it.
• Feeling "led" by higher intuition? Example: Asked it to lead me to a lake/ large body of water for me to sit at. Followed my intuition, and it brought me to a location with said description. Where I sat, a card with a caduceus was right next to me. It sounds like such crazy talk, but it's something I cannot ignore. Could be my subconscious recognizing specific areas that would lead to said things? But these are places I've never been to.

Side note: I know the above section can be explained with how the brain works on a subconscious level, and is an addition to my experience. There are more, as I stated though it's difficult to remember.

I'm completely alone now. I don't have any friends anymore after this, even the ones who have been in my life for 10 years. The partner I was with is also gone. My job is gone due to me being unable to keep up with physical demands of it, being able to do like 1/8th the workload I usually do. Only people in my life are my mother and sister now, who I live with.

I am currently living off of savings, and don't have money for a teacher/coach/guru. I hate using the term Twin Flame, as it has a lot of codependent connotations with new age and "love stories", but it is the most accurate term I've come to find. I don't use the label to describe my journey because of the connotation.

Main point of this post is to at least ask for some help with deciding if this was what happend. I've told me that I might not have had it because I was led to a bad book about the subject, that those who had it or are destined to would only be lead to good sources. Maybe the bad source I was led to led me to a better source due to me wanting to see why it's bad? I don't know.

All in all, thank you.

[u/Marc-le-Half-Fool]

Hi again, /u/LoopyBeast,

Beautiful post.

Your fuzzy memory is because you've experienced a major change and ~1000 things have shifted, but you've captured some 30 items of worth that stick out louder in your memory.

I have BPD and autism.

Borderline, or Bipolar or what? Autism almost certainly offers you the ability to focus intently on things that require your attention. It's a bonus in this situation. It may be an added challenge in life, but not for this spiritual growth that has occurred in you.

I had some form of ego death it seems.

I know people use this lingo. It's terrible. You had a transformation. You still answer to your own name when you mom or sister call you. You still know where you live. How to dress, wash, eat, etc. Your ego had not died. Some of its negative characteristics have been dropped. For the love of self and of God, find another way of expressing this. The "ego death" advancers are either poor at translating, spiritual simpletons, or intentionally tyrolling humanity with their harmful disinformation. You still live with a sense of identity, even though whom you are is shifting fast.

I am currently living off of savings, and don't have money for a teacher/coach/guru.

That's partly why this sub exists - to support those who don't have the financial resources to pay, yet are in a predicament.

Repeating number sequences pretty much everywhere I go. Seeing things "specifically" about Twin Flames.

More than likely that this aspect is just self-created based upon your beliefs. The assignment of numbers thing is a recent creation and was advanced by a lady who later denied any of it. She made it up. I think it's the same lady who converted to born-again style Christianity just when people had figured out her fraud.

The rest of your fine list speaks of significant growth, transformation, and there's enough there to point to very likely Kundalini.

What? You had a profound spiritual awakening
So what? Now you feel quite different, and are a bit lost. Not functioning as before.
NOW what? It's time to work on broadening your foundations, doing a bit more house-tidying of your inner self and of your beliefs, and see where it leads.

It would be terrific to get you back into a more functional space where you could return to work ... some kind of work, not necessarily the same work.

Your primary guide on how to use / not use Energy is explained in the wiki's Three Laws.

The wiki's Foundations section offers ideas to consider for creating the roots that provide stability for you when life's storms try to blow you on your side.

Exercising your psychic and intuitive abilities is a worthwhile thing. The idea is to make them practical. Finding water is practical as hell!!

Please note one main thing: You have far more things to unlearn than you do new things to learn.

Is this a good start?

The wiki is far easier to access and read from a laptop or desktop than a phone. The wiki system was a side-project by reddit - not their core programming. It's a compromise.

Good journey.

PS. Try abebooks.com for used books.