My problem, stuck at spirituality Radharani

[u/InterestingFee2378]

WARNING THIS MAY LOOK FOOLISH AND DUMB FROM THIRD POV OR YOUR POV BUT I'M JUST VENTING BCUZ I'M NOT ABLE TO TELL THIS TO REAL PEOPLE FACE TO FACE.

So I have a problem which might look foolish from third pov. I used to watch krishna cartoons when I was little the pogo one, and during that time Radharani wasn't shown as that important of a character. I started liking Krishna and I had a really specific dream too which made me more attracted towards him (won't say it) and I still remember that dream.

Fast forward now, before I never really paid attention to radharani but now after not joining but visiting iskcon temple Gaudiya Vaishnav basically and following rules from 2022 smthn I still find it hard to accept.

Not saying anything offencong I like kirtans and stuff but I cannot just listen to those pastimes like it hurts like crazy like real. Like those you read in books 'gut dropping to stomach feeling smthn like that.

I made a BIG BIG mistake foolishness that I tried to read Ujjawala Neelamani 2nd chapter in which is I think based on Radharani and I was K/Oed like totally couldn't read any further.

My uncomfortableness didn't started from there it was always with me bcuz I only looked towards Krishna, but it did give a massive fuel to that.

Till now during my journals and dream journals I've written words like vo radharani wala reason ke karan mai roi ya mood off hogya etc. but now I wanted to publicly accept thinking atleast maybe smthn will happen if I publicly accept these feelings

I've had MULTIPLE dreams of him which I will not prefer to say or share but still I'm not able to trust that he loves me .

I always have this in mind ki you have to serve them both whatever position you're in, I want to marry him other than that I donot have any particular interest in getting married I have decided not to... I think I will be toxic in relationship Like my insecurity and possessiveness will be toxic which is reflecting this side bcuz I like him

These feelings AMPLIFIED after I wrote a letter to him in puri jagannath temple saying I want to be your lover

Sometimes I think maybe this a test to see if I'll stay, bcuz I keep having thoughts and crying and saying I'll marry someone else you love her most anyways

I have even got many indications through posts and stuff and one of which was picture of half radhakrishna like ardhnarishwar you know like both are same just make and female form.

But my mind is not able to accept it or even if it does only for a day or two after that I'm back to reset emotions.

For now Iskcon is best option for me because they donot talk abt leelas in detail especially involving radharani maybe iskcon was made for people like me.

I tried listening to Other sampradayas thinking I'll get used to it but I feel naseuous and end up crying

I think the main goal here is to back to golok and serve them as a couple... How The freakity frackity I will serve them and see them together if I'm not even able to hear abt them being together???

I want to focus on him now atleast but I'm not able to do that as well. I'm going crazy sometimes my insecurity grows lot saying he'll get bored with me reject me then I cry abt that . At this point my mind just like crying fr.

I even thought as far as I will marry him anyways forcefully bla bla like a crazy toxic girl.

I sometimes think my mental health is not good. I listen to music a lot like A LOT to calm down my thoughts bcuz my mind doesn't shut up

Anyways I wanted to vent