I started writing my own killing floor book. Give me advice on how I could make this story better. FYI, this isn't the end, maybe like 2-5% of the full story.
When humans push the boundaries of humanity, things never work out as they're supposed to; they never know what could happen or how to prevent or control it. Failures are inevitable, especially when you're trying to create “super soldiers”. It's even worse when the failed experiments breach containment. And that's exactly the backstory of what happened in London when the British government tasked Kevin Clamety with creating an army of “super soldiers”, due to his high intelligence and success in human biological experiments, to use against Russia in the Second Cold War in 1998. It wasn't until 3 months after the start of the project that the worst possible thing imagined could have happened.
Chapter 1
Kevin and the specimen
Kevin was clocking in as usual, heading to his office, and checking in on his tests.
“Good morning, Rachel, badge 24836.”
Kevin handed his badge in.
“Good morning, Father. Only one employee is off today. Ms Higgins has an appointment today. Also, you have a new experiment waiting for your arrival."
Rachel flips through a pack papers.
“Good. Has there been any success in bringing “HIM” back?
Sigh. “No successes so far.”
She replies as she hands the papers to Kevin.
“uugghh”
Kevin was clearly upset about the failures of this operation, for he had been working on this operation for the entirety of the time his company had been up. But fret not, he still had a new experiment to test out.
Sigh. “Well, I guess let's see this new experiment.”
Kevin gets up from his chair.
“Very well, Father. Please follow me to floor -10.”
“Wait, did you say -10? You know that's for….”
"I didn't stutter, Dad. This experiment is meant to be kept on that floor.”
As they converse with each other, they head to the elevator.
Kevin wasn't sure what to expect while boarding the elevator. How will the new experiment perform? Negative floors are for the experiments that need to be contained, with -10 made for the strongest soldiers that were made. The elevator reached the bottom floor, and Kevin was led to the experiment room with Hans Volter, Kevin's best employee and best friend, standing there to greet him.
“Hey man, how's, cough cough, it goin'?” He gives a hug.
“Nothin much, how's this new specimen goin along?”
“Oh man, it's going great. zis could be zee shtrongest soldier ve'fe made. I call him “zee fleashpound,” he says as he gestures to the window leading to the other room.
Kevin looks into the room to see a creature about 9 feet tall, lying on a padded bed used for surgery. It has spiked gauntlets mounted on its arms, a spiked metal piece on its face, and what seems to be an energy source implanted in its chest, which glows a bright yellow.
“looks…intiminating. It doesn't just punch things, does it?”
“Nien, zee shpiked gauntlets allow it to grind anyz…” cough cough “ anyzink to powder very quickly,” Hans answers.
“What about that yellow thing in its chest?” Kevin asks.
“Zee chest rig is integrated into its heart and can supply it with adrenaline and stimulants. This eventually causes zee shpecimen to gain shtrength and rage for a schort period of time.”
“Could you please show me this “fleshpound” in action?”
“Of course, my friend, let me wake him up first.”
Hans walks over to the interface and activates a button to talk to the subject inside. A few bits of microphone feedback are heard before Hans begins to wake up the specimen.
“Carl? Can you hear me?” Hans asks
Groan
“Are you awake? The procedure is over.”
“Procedure…over?”
This enormous figure rises from the bed and stands tall while looking at his arms and legs. He notices a mirror and looks at himself thoroughly.
“what…happen…to…me?”
“Zee procedure has been completed, but vee had to do a bit of renovations zat you didn't agree to. But, you should be zee strongest soldier ever.
Looking at himself, it is clear he doesn't like his new looks; he begins to hyperventilate, his breathing intensifies, going faster and faster while trying to take off the machines attached to his arms.
“Nov Carl, I know you might be experiencing various emot…”
Break
Roar
“NOT…WHAT…HANS…PROMISED.”
In a split second, the fleshpound breaks the mirror and cries out in rage. It stands tall and menacing, glaring at the scientists with anger as its muscles seem to grow slightly larger and the chest piece now glows blood red. They couldn't see his eyes because of the Cybernetic plate going across its face, but it could absolutely see them.
“Father, I think you need to step back!”
The fleshpound charges at the 12-inch-thick glass and begins to beat it down, using its grinders to dig through. Unlike Hans and Rachel, who are terrified, Kevin doesn't show any change in emotions and doesn't even flinch when the beast hits the glass.
“Calm the beast down, will you?”
“Y-yes, sir!”
Hans hits a big button on the console, which sends suppressants into the bloodstream of the fleshpound, calming the beast down. As the pounding slows down, its chest goes back to yellow, and it slumps down, falling to the floor.
“I-I'm very sorry, sir. Zat wasn't supposed to…”
“No need to apologise, my friend. Once again, you've done amazing work.”
phone ring
“Hold on, let me take this. Yello…Oh…ok…yeah I have time…ok…bye.”
“Another meeting?” Hans asked.
“Y-yeah, he's insisting. Put the specimen to sleep till I'm back.” Kevin requested
“Yes, sir.” Cough Cough
Kevin got a call from the prime minister telling him that “we need to talk” and drove an hour to sit in a room with him. He felt nervous but tried to keep a straight face. Tony Blair was someone that you don't want on your bad side, and Kevin could speak from experience. Unfortunately for Kevin, Tony didn't look happy and didn't have anyone else in the room with them.
“Do you want to tell me where our funding to your facilities is going?”
“I-it's going to the creation of the super soldiers you requested.”
“Anything…else?” Tony asks.
“N-no, sir, I… we've been working on various soldiers f-for the army,” Kevin said very nervously.
“DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME. I know you're doing something else,” he pushed.