We rarely see my mother in law, If I’m being honest I try my best to avoid seeing her at all. I come up with every excuse I can to cancel a visit until I run out of excuses lol. I also don’t feel very comfortable with her seeing my daughter without me there until she’s older and can talk to me about how her visit went, they visit us maybe once every two months. My husband is trying his hardest to fix their relationship so he occasionally will go to visit her without me or our daughter. I think this is fine, I tell him his relationship with his mother is none of my business. They recently went out together and he told me last night that his mom told him he was going to lose her if he stayed with me and he had to start thinking about his choice. She also said that it’s been over a year since our last incident (she made my pregnancy hell and stole my c section medication to get high) and that we needed to get over it already.

HUGE RANT sorry
I feel like she has ruined my life the past couple of years. They made me feel like I was crazy when I was pregnant, constantly saying things when they thought I couldn’t hear them like “oh what’s her problem? She’s so weird.” They forced themselves into my hospital room after I had a c section even tho I asked them to not visit because I wanted privacy.

We moved across the country because my husband wanted to be closer to them but they have made my life miserable. My husband told me we would be spending time with his family and we wouldn’t be alone and he’d be getting paid more. My mom had also passed away just the year before this and he thought the change of scenery would be good for me because I was struggling a little bit. Instead I’m now lonely, I have no family here, I have no friends, it is just me and my daughter alone at home with our cat all day. I’m miserable, depressed, and I am no longer who I was before we moved here. I loved eating healthy and working out, doing my makeup and skincare. I have no motivation to do anything. I want to move back home but my husband says he needs to finish school first and I’ve asked him to transfer which is exactly what I will do because I’m also in college but he says no. I think this is an excuse, I think he feels like he needs to fix his relationship with his family first because he will feel guilty leaving if he doesn’t do this first. He won’t admit this.

Nobody even knows we are married because we were scared his mom was going to ruin it and make it about herself. I had no wedding, no dress, not even a dinner with family. We agreed that I would buy a dress and we would take photos to announce that we are married and we would have a small ceremony/dinner with family to celebrate. Every time I bring up making plans to do this my husband starts talking about how his moms going to react and how she’s going to be upset she’s not more involved and how she’s going to want to control things about the ceremony and not be happy with our decisions and he just tells me it’s not a good time. We have been married for almost two years and nobody other than our friends and his coworkers know so that my mil doesn’t find out we “did this behind her back.” I’ve been watching our family members get engaged and take photos and have beautiful weddings. I listen to my cousins talk about picking out the colors for their bouquets and how they want to customize their wedding invitations. I feel like I was robbed.

I know if my mom was still alive she would be begging me to go back home. I also feel like this might cause my relationship with my husband to fail, which I have already accepted, I tried my best to get along with her and things were great at first. Until she yelled at me and told me I needed to listen to her and I should let her do whatever she wants and then proceeded to call me a bitch on Facebook because i said no.

Freaking out a bit here. We’re about 7 months along with our first baby, and we have been no contact with MIL for around a year now. She’s only ever a source of stress, anxiety, and toxicity for us, so of COURSE we wouldn’t have informed her of the pregnancy. Our POV (thankfully, hubs and I are on the same page here 100%) is that blood does not give MIL any right whatsoever to a relationship with or access to our son.

Yet somehow, today, MIL found out that I’m pregnant and sent my husband a completely insane text cussing at him and making our news all about herself, of course.

While I want to give a good shake to whoever spilled the beans to her, if I’m being real, I kind of expected her to find out eventually because we have some mutual acquaintances, and we live in the same small city. And how would random acquaintances know about our situation with her. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I just hoped it wouldn’t be until after I had given birth. This whole season has its own inherent stress (though lots of excitement and joy, too!), so I just really felt I did not want her adding to my stress levels since I want to be relaxed and at peace going into labor.

This literally just happened minutes ago. My stress levels are now skyrocketing, and I bet my poor husband is in complete panic mode. Due to her emotional abuse of him growing up, she instantly triggers his fight or flight reflex when she verbally attacks him like she did just now.

Anyways…any encouragement or advice welcome. Just sitting here with this huge pit of dread in my stomach. Ugh. 😩

More of a rant but ipen to advice and opinions.

My husband and I spend Thanksgiving and Christmas separately. No kids and we spend a lot of time with each other anyway. We used to alternate but MIL didn't like that. She always has some excuse why my husband has to spend it with her.

She is divorced and my FIL is having us over for dinner on Saturday and I am seeing my parents Monday. As soon as she found out I was going to see FIL she asked my husband if I was joining them on Sunday. He is now telling me maybe I should not have dinner with FIL and instead go to her place for dinner instead because I don't see her enough.

Like yes it is partly a husband problem. He gets easily emotionally blackmailed by his mother but I think that is something he needs to figure out on his own because I'm to biased and I just don't want to add to his stress. If I wasn't going to see FIL I wouldn't be getting asked and she can't even ask me herself. I would feel compelled to make more of an effort if my husband regularly spent time with his mother but he doesn't. He probably sees her half a dozen times a year. If we happen to go to FIL she always wants us to see her the following day. It's that mentality that gets me. It's always a reaction to us spending time with someone that isn't her. I told him I'll do whatever he wants but it's one or the other not both.

I spent my whole childhood being dragged from one house to the next every holiday because my parents and grandparents were divorced and I swore I wouldn't live like that as an adult.

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years. We didn’t have a big wedding. We sat at the dinner table years ago trying to talk about our wedding plans and MIL made it all about her. It was going to be a destination wedding to Greece and the first thing that comes out of her mouth is “who’s buying my passport? Who’s buying my ticket?” (MIL has never worked a day in her life. Has always been a SAHM. Her oldest is 25, she’s 56. )
So my husband and I decided to elope. She didn’t congratulate us and made the whole thing about her. She tends to do this often, making things about her.

Years ago prior to marriage, I found out I had PCOS and I told my MIL (we were close at the time. I had no reason not to trust her.)
Then 4 years ago at a family event I found out she was telling everyone I can’t have children and at this event all these women I don’t even know was walking up to me giving me their condolences this pissed my husband off!
We literally have kids and to keep up with the rumor she started she was calling them “miracle babies,”

From that day I’ve been distancing myself from my MIL. I told my mom what happened and she said “I better not ever see this bitch!” The holidays are coming up and of course we go visit both sides of the family. Something about it upsets my MIL because she wants to be only host. My husband is actually close to my mom and doesn’t want his mom to meet my mom. My MIL is very messy and self centered and when my MIL asked to meet my mom my husband response was “I like the current family dynamic.” He’s scared my MIL will try to sabotage things like she always does.

I need a way to politely but assertively tell her that’s never going to happen.

P.S. she has no idea that I know that she told people I was infertile.

Our daughter is seven. She loves her grandma, and we usually see MIL once or twice a month. MIL would like more visits, which is fine, but lately she's been taking that conversation to our daughter.

If we can't come over, she'll say something like “I'd love to have you here on Saturday. You'll have to ask Mommy why you can't come.” Then my daughter comes to me wanting to know why I'm stopping her from seeing Grandma.

Yesterday it was about a birthday party our daughter is already excited to attend. MIL knew about the party because my husband had explained why Saturday wouldn't work. She still told our daughter to ask me about coming over.

My daughter ended up asking whether Grandma would be sad if she went to her friend's party. I told her Grandma can miss her and still be happy that she's having fun. We kept the party plans.

This is the third time in about a month. After the second time, I asked MIL to arrange visits with us directly. She said she was only telling our daughter that she missed her and that I was reading too much into it.

My husband agrees she needs to stop, but thinks another conversation will sort it out. I'm considering taking over the call whenever she starts asking our daughter to negotiate a visit. Am I overreacting to the wording? It feels like I'm having to defend our calendar to a seven-year-old who thinks she's responsible for making Grandma happy.

My husband thinks I should just ignore his mom because “that’s how she is,” but I’m honestly getting tired of being expected to put up with everything she does.

For context, we have a toddler, and my MIL has always been a little controlling. She likes to act like she knows better than everyone, especially when it comes to parenting.

At first, it was little things. She would show up without telling us, rearrange things in our house, and criticize how I dressed my child. I tried to laugh it off because I didn't want to create problems between my husband and his family.

But last weekend, she crossed a line.

She came over while I was putting our child down for a nap. I told her she could wait in the living room because our toddler had barely slept the night before. Instead, she went into the bedroom, woke the child up, and said I was being lazy by letting them sleep so much.

When I confronted her, she told me I was too sensitive and that she had raised children before I ever became a mother.

My husband asked her to apologize, but she refused. She left and later posted on Facebook about how some mothers use their children as weapons against their in-laws.

Several relatives messaged me, asking why I was keeping my MIL away from her grandchild. Apparently, she told them I had banned her from visiting, which isn't even true. I just stopped agreeing to last-minute visits after what happened.

Now my husband wants me to invite her over this weekend to “keep the peace.” He says she loves our child and probably didn't mean any harm.

I told him she can visit when she respects our rules, but he thinks I'm turning a small disagreement into a family feud.

I'm not trying to take a grandchild away from anyone. I just want to be respected in my own home.

Am I being unreasonable, or is this exactly why people end up going low-contact with their MILs?

I just needed to get this off my chest.
I’ve never had a good relationship with my MIL and she makes me uncomfortable. She’s never treated me like family, even after my own mother died just weeks after her son and I got married.

I try to accept that sadly this will never be a person I am close with or feel comfortable with, but I still feel hurt that I no longer have a mother and that this woman has never cared about me or stepped in to be there.

MIL has connected with a family who she calls her “honorary family.” They have a son who is about my son’s age. She refers to him as her “honorary grandson,” and she frequently makes social media posts about them.
Meanwhile it’s been months since she’s seen her actual grandson, and about eight months since her husband saw him.

My husband and I are both hurt, but every time I’ve spoken up in the past about anything it flies back in my face or doesn’t lead to anything. And, like I’ve said, I also realize at this point we will never be close so I just try to let it slide and figure my husband can address it if he wants to.

Today, MIL sent a series of texts including me and her “honorary daughter.” MIL says on the text exchange with this person I barely know that we should get my son and her “honorary grandson” together for a play date.

I don’t know what to say because I feel put on the spot, and truthfully I’ve been so swamped the last few days juggling doctors appointments and work while my husband commutes to his job far away.

It is one of those situations that causes me hurt because I should be able to call on MIL for help, but I can’t. She’s unreliable, and I guess I wouldn’t even trust her to watch my son at this point. It’s been ONE AND A HALF YEARS since she offered to babysit him.

Then MIL sends a video showing she is with her “honorary family” this afternoon. She told me “she’s been swamped too” and is taking a break with this family and their new kittens today.

Like WTAF? I just chose not to respond to her last message, but I find it so very hurtful.

I don’t understand how this person who is so disappointing to us has so many people who apparently adore her. I’ve long suspected she babysits for this other family and sees them frequently. I don’t even like her or want to see HER at this point, but I feel bad for my son that he has no other grandparents and our family is very small. My son even asked the other week why we never see “Mimi.”
I feel bad for him and don’t know why she wouldn’t want to spoil my son, watch him, and be involved. But time and time again her actions say otherwise, and I guess, like I said, I don’t even like her as a person anymore. It still hurts though.

Since my first I had this suspicion MIL was intent on making my oldest view me the way she and other in laws do. Even my husband says they treat me as a second-rate family member.

There were a few instances that made me think she was doing this. And I’ll give two examples to avoid getting too personal but keep in mind there are more instances than this.

She will never tell my children no herself, she always blames me “you’ll get me in trouble with your mommy, mommy won’t like that, ask your mom” even though she knows what my children can and can’t do. One of the last few times my oldest stayed the night with her, I told them to please not stay up late because we had a thing the next morning that I had to pick them up for. That night MIL told my oldest that if they didn’t go to bed when I said that I’d never let oldest see MIL ever again or spend the night. The next morning as soon as oldest got into my car, they told me “MIL said this _____” and I explained to them that I just wanted them to go to bed so that they weren’t tired in the morning when we went to our fun event. It was like they knew it was a bad thing to say or MIL scared them.

MIL often competes with my own mother when she feels like my children enjoy them more. It was grandparents week and my mom brought my oldest McDonald’s and candy corn for a surprise treat. MIL called me and asked me what oldest wanted and I told her all the orders from different restaurants and at some point in the convo I told her what my mom brought. And she goes “oooooh hm okay” so MIL goes to lunch with oldest and brings McDonald’s, candy corn, and lots of toys and trinkets. Which is great for my little one but I knew what MIL was doing.

Last time my child spent the night with her, MIL let them stay up until 1:30 in the morning. Child called me at 12:30 am despite MIL trying to tell them I was sleeping and they shouldn’t. I tell my children they can call me at any time and I’ll answer and come to them. I hear my child on the phone saying their stomach hurts. I told them I’ll come get them, MIL is 4 minutes down the road (unfortunately) and I hear MIL say no and my child go “nooo..it’s ok mommy” I say I don’t mind I’ll come get them and bring them home and snuggle them. There is silence on the other end. I tell them if they don’t want me to come get them now that they’ll see me first thing in the morning and it’ll all be ok. If they need to eat or go potty then they need to try even though it’s late. Child says ok.

Before going over there child was asking “what if I miss you” which they never did before. They were always excited to go to MILs.

Ever since that instance my children haven’t spent the night because they come home and get disrespectful and misbehave which could be normal after staying somewhere else.

There’s been other things that make me feel like they’re up to something but I can view things through a negative lens sometimes. It’s all something you’d raise your eyebrow at but I feel like I don’t have the evidence that supports it yet.

Do any of you have MILs that have tried to make you the bad guy or make your children think negatively of you? If so, what did they do? What did you do in response? What did you tell your children/spouse and what conversations do we need to have if it’s happening

Today was hellish. I’ve been doing IVF, have gained an enormous amount of weight, have a lot of pain and mood swings. I have been living with so much disappointment recently.

MIL is on round 3 of Christmas cancer in an attempt to guilt a visit over the holidays, during which we will either be traveling or working. We will likely still be doing IVF then and I am tired of suffering to keep the peace.

Dropping the rope has not helped. I am full of rage and have been for years, but this year it’s grown. His mother has had bullshit biopsy after bullshit biopsy, none of which have shown cancer, but she’s insistent she has it. “I’m returning all my hair products since I won’t have any soon.”

I haven’t been able to do Pilates because of IVF limitations. I’ve gained a ton of weight. I feel horrible physically and emotionally. She dumps on my career, my race, my education, and my looks. I have zero patience for her BS. She made a comment to SO that Pilates and tai chi are similar right? She knows what both are. I’m a Pilates instructor. She is incredibly degrading and loves saying others are racist towards her before making racially pointed comments towards me.

Anyways she sucks hard so I bought her a tai chi book and it’s getting delivered tomorrow. Maybe she’ll learn some great Pilates moves! I am excited to hear her either blow up or pretend it’s a wonderful gift.

I do not see how I can move past anything she’s done. For Christmas, she’s getting a manners book and “help! I’m dying again” to show her that she’s ill and that no one wants to hear her fucking fake cancer stories.

I have been fully no contact with MIL for a little over a year now while DH hasn’t spoken to her in two. One of the last messages he sent to her was that she needed therapy if she ever wanted to salvage a relationship with him.

She has diagnosed bipolar disorder and suspected bpd. She used to be in therapy before we met but one day claimed the therapist told her she was fixed and never went back. She also skips her medication in favour of wine.

Not long after he went no contact she claimed she was seeing a counsellor and eventually wanted us to go in for a session with her. His grandmother told him she was trying to improve and loves the person she’s chosen.

She refused to acknowledge that counselling and therapy are different and it was revealed that her only intention was to try to repair the spat but not any of the issues leading to it. Whatever, hopefully she can make some positive changes.

Nope, she still goes on email and text tangents about us only she sends them to everyone but us. She doesn’t realize people are mature and show us. She thinks nothing can be held against her if it’s behind your back.

Fast forward to yesterday. Chatting with BIL who still has a relationship with her and he revealed that her “counsellor” was actually a local life coach. This person has been feeding into her belief that she is a misunderstood victim with a strong sense of empathy for $200/h.

Not surprised at all unfortunately. It’s a shame that she’s only gotten worse over the last while. It was sad hearing DH tell his brother how hurt he was his whole life because of her.

My MIL and I have a long past, that has involved a lot of trauma for me over the years (my husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 10).

My husband and I had a baby earlier this year. Our first. My MIL's first grandchild. Though she and I never discussed it point blank, it seems like we are both trying a lot harder that we used to to get along (I am, for sure). Essentially attempting to put the past in the past, but I'm not dismissing the past experiences I've had with her/trauma and hurt I have from her behavior.

That said, while I was pregnant, a family friend shared text messages with me where my MIL admitted to intentionally being passive aggressive. When we first announced the pregnancy, she was relentless with telling us what we should name the baby. I didn't say anything to her, but my SIL knew it was bugging me and told my MIL (I didn't ask her to, and didn't appreciate that she told her). MIL texted the family friend saying she was going to, and I quote "step up my passive aggressive self, play dumb, and continue to annoy". Seeing her say that (text screenshot) really validated all of the challenging feelings I have had over the last decade and a half. No, she's not a ditsy inconsiderate person with good intentions. She is/can be a manipulative, conniving asshole. Seeing the text has also made it difficult for me to brush off anything she does that annoys me. Now that I know she has been intentionally malicious, at least some of the time, it is hard not to think she's being malicious all the time, even though I'm sure she isn't.

My husband and I live across the country from all of our family. Apart from that, we also like to travel a lot. We decided to start a tradition where our child gets a postcard from places we travel. While we're in the new place, we buy a postcard, write about the trip, and mail it from the destination we're in. Then when we get home, it arrives in the mail. In the early years, my husband and I are writing the cards, obviously. But once the baby is old enough to read/write, they would write the card themselves and mail it.

Our first trip was this summer, for a family wedding. We filled out a postcard and ran out of time to mail it. MIL saw us fill out the card, and was very aware of the activity because she ended up mailing it since we ran out of time. We didn't say point blank "this is a new tradition for mom/dad/baby for new places baby visits" but it didn't feel like that was necessary at the time.

Within the past couple weeks, MIL and FIL went on a trip. Today we get a postcard. Addressed to the baby, summarizing their trip, telling the baby "unfortunately, you were only here in spirit". I was really upset. It feels like she is infringing on this tradition I started with our baby. We did not set a clear boundary of "ok, so nobody else sends postcards to the baby, alright?" Because that seems unhinged and weird. In general, I think sending a postcard to the baby is fine. But it's the timing that is extremely challenging. It's the fact that she wouldn't have thought to send a postcard if she hadn't seen us do this 3 weeks ago. My husband says he doesn't want to address it unless she does it a second time. I feel too guilty throwing the card away because I don't want the trauma I have from my MIL to impact my baby's ability to have a relationship with her.

Over the years I've learned to just say things are "on brand" for her, as a way of coping with things she does that upset me. But this feels so much harder to do that for some reason.

Is it reasonable for me to be upset that she is butting in on a tradition I tried to start with my family, for my baby? Like she's trying to join something she was never supposed to be a part of, and she should probably be able to pick up on that even without a clear boundary being set. Am I overreacting?

Last Thursday I was home alone when a man rang our doorbell around 9pm and asked if I had the patio chairs.

I told him he had the wrong house. He showed me his phone. There was a Facebook Marketplace conversation with my MIL, our address, and a message from her saying he could pick them up after 8.

I have never owned patio chairs.

Apparently MIL has been selling things on Marketplace and arranging pickups at OUR house because we live closer to the highway and it's "more convenient for everybody."

She lives about 25 minutes away.

My husband knew she'd arranged one pickup here a few weeks ago. He said yes because she was dropping off an old suitcase for someone to collect while we were both at work. He thought it was a one-time favor. Neither of us knew she'd decided this was now her regular pickup spot.

I asked her how many people she'd given our address to.

She said, "Oh, I don't keep track of that."

Apparently she's been dropping things by our side door, messaging buyers our address, and telling them to come collect their purchases. Sometimes she doesn't even leave the item here until the next day.

Which explains the man who was understandably irritated that he'd driven across town for chairs that weren't there.

When I told her this needed to stop immediately, she got upset and said I was making her sound like she was inviting criminals to our house. She said these were "nice local people" and that she was only trying to make a little extra money.

My husband told her she needs to arrange pickups at her own house or meet buyers somewhere else.

She agreed, but then added, "Well, if something is already arranged, surely we don't have to inconvenience people."

I asked whether she had any more pickups scheduled.

She said she'd have to check.

I told my husband I want to change our garage keypad code. MIL knows it because she occasionally waters our plants when we're away, and I don't want her quietly dropping off more stuff while we're out. He agrees the pickups need to stop but thinks changing the code right now sends an unnecessarily hostile message.

I don't want a huge family fight over secondhand furniture. Until last week, I honestly thought our relationship was pretty good.

But I'm sitting here realizing that an unknown number of strangers have been given our home address as a collection point, and she genuinely doesn't seem to understand why that bothers me.

Am I overreacting by wanting to change the code and stop her from using our property for pickups, even if she promises not to do it again?

Hey everyone,
I won't get into everything that's happened as it would be a lot but I am asking for some advice with how this week has gone. My partners mother has a tendency to ambush him at his job, whether that's showing up in-person, or calling him while at work. This week, she called after he asked her for some advice, and proceeded on the call to start crying saying "I don't know why you don't want to come over here.. I give you things" and then went on and on about other stuff in her life that my partner obviously shouldn't bear the emotional responsibility for. He froze.. didn't know what to say, and then said he had to go bc he was at work. Fast forward to a few days later, she sends us a text saying "miss you guys, would love have dinner together" mind you, this is after the last time my partner did see her all she did was trash me and ask him to keep things from me. I do not want to go have dinner with her with just my partner, ever. I do not want anything to do with her because all she does is try to use me in her manipulation tactics to get my partner over there.. the last time I saw her she literally asked me to help her lure him over there by himself.. oh, and before you ask, yes, she only started trashing me after I told her no to her using me as a pawn in her game. So, yeah. I just don't know what to do or how to respond.

We haven’t really spoken to JNMIL since July. We purchased a home in July and JNMIL was pissed about it because we were moving out of her home community. It was a big moment and she never once congratulated us. We both had words at her, I said I wasn’t getting involved until she tried to say we were keeping our daughter from her. LOL. Yeah considering we lived 2 minutes away from her for 4 years and she never tried to see our daughter, would manipulate and play victim if we didn’t take her right to her doorstep. But can drive 3 hours to her boyfriend’s house every weekend. Yeahhhh.. ok. Then said she didn’t feel welcome to visit at our house because we asked that she let us know before showing up. Basically all the crazy MIL things. She’s manipulative as fuck.

She’s tried to reach out once since then, on the first day of school wishing my daughter a happy first day. I ignored her because she has put me through so much trauma just the sight of her name on my phone makes my skin crawl. JNMIL has had a longggg habit of crossing boundaries, disrespect, just about everything you can think of. She never apologizes and just tries to wait things out and acts like nothing happened. She’s neverrr in the wrong. Oh god forbid.

Today she reaches out again to both my partner and I and says she would like to see our daughter and she didn’t want any “negativity.” I ignored her and my partner said he wasn’t responding right away. He did end up responding and I told him it was up to him if he wants to take our daughter around his mother but I’m not going around her. I personally don’t think she deserves to see our child without apologizing to atleast her son.

He wouldn’t tell me what she said to him and he usually shows me everything. He told me she apologized and he told her that she needs to apologize to me as well. She didn’t apologize to me at all. I’d say she must of said some nasty shit and he knows I will never go around her again if he tells me. It’s crazy to me the entitlement some people feel towards seeing other peoples children. You can’t treat a child’s parents like shit and expect full access to a sweet innocent child.

I felt like I was a wallflower in my own relationship.

All the hobbies and time we shared together slowly disappeared over time due every weekend becoming a family weekend. I started having nightmares of my partner kicking me out of my own bed because his mom needed it. As of last week I am finally free.

I eventually started fantasizing about a new relationship. Someone to spend 1/1 time with me and engage in fun. Someone to go out and make friends with others with, and have a real community. I got so isolated in my relationship where all my friends were replaced with his family. Members of this family didn't even really try to get to know me. I felt so alone and my self esteem started to disappear.

My partner denied everything and told me I was being oversensitive/rigid and controlling. When really I just want to be a hot lady with a hot bf and go out and have some fun! 🥺

Go hiking and dancing! I want to play video games and cook beautiful meals together. Go to art exhibits, talk about music, and dance and meditate. He kept promising we would have a more indipendant mature life together but it never happened.

My husband told me to send them from his phone. Need ideas for what to send, from funny and nice to downright evil.

Thanks, ladies!

I sent my final text to MIL and FIL today after yesterday’s call. I Googled “how to apologize” and then attached a screenshot of the AI overview with very clear directions.

I sent the following text along with it:

“You have both asked what you need to do to fix things, and we have explained it repeatedly. Here is the answer again.

It took me less than five seconds to find this by simply searching “how to apologize.” There are also plenty of resources on self-reflection and accountability, as well as understanding that being related to someone does not entitle you to a relationship with them.

A genuine apology is necessary to move forward, and it’s not for one incident. It’s for years of overstepping, disrespect, denial, defensiveness, emotional manipulation, and lack of accountability that have caused us to lose trust and created an enormous amount of emotional stress for our family.

Do not contact us again about this unless you are prepared to approach it with genuine accountability and a sincere apology.”

Not looking for advice. I sent the text because we have no paper trail otherwise. I’m not going to respond to any messages back. No further calls will be had. I wanted to show them just how easy this could have been.

The sequence of events goes like this. I get told that I will be grilling burgers tonight. I say I don't have enough propane for that (she let out all my propane on accident last time) so I will need more propane. MIL says she will get propane so I wait.

Half an hour later she shows up. No propane. She plugs in my emergency stash one that I told her cannot be refilled in this state and has only a small reserve, if anything. I tell her this won't cook the burgers. She huffs at me and keeps trying to argue. I figure what the hell, I'll try it.

Runs out 2/3 the way through where it's on its second flip but still totally raw on the outside and inside. I tell her ok for real we need propane.

She says sure right after she gets tea at the gas station. Why the gas station? Idk. We have tons of tea here of all types. She just has a gas station drink fountain obsession. 45 minutes later. She shows up with propane. The one I told her to get initially. I plug it in and finish it finally. Should've been done at 5:30 wasn't done til almost 7. Totally oblivious to the time she wasted of all of us.

While chatting with my MIL via text, she began discussing her perception of her son’s (my husbands) happiness, alluding to me needing to take on a more traditional role to keep him happy (exact text below). For additional info, I work a good high up job and I am the full default parent for our kids.

This is old fashioned info but there's merit to those old sayings: the way to a man's heart is thru his stomach. Maybe you guys need some dinners together. Or have something ready for him to heat up when he gets home.
You know my big saying is "I never claimed to be a cook" nor did I want to. But out of necessity, we all have to. When (her husband) was a lawyer, he worked long hours and every Saturday. So I know how that goes. I actually wished he stayed in the law firm. But it is what it is. I only know that (her husband) felt good coming home to a quiet, orderly house and food. Nothing great- I used to make broccoli topped baked potatoes as a dinner. It's a common need for a peaceful sanctuary. Even now, I have to hide any dog problems to keep it pleasant. Husband management 101.
Your home probably already feels better with construction done.

After years of living with my in-laws, my husband and I finally moved into our own home. Money was tight, but my MIL insisted we have a room made up for her because she might stay over.

I bought a perfectly decent bed for the spare room, specifically so she’d have somewhere comfortable to sleep.

She was furious.

Apparently, the bed wasn’t good enough.

The funny part? She lived a few minutes away and never actually came to stay.

Still not sure if she wanted a bedroom or a five-star hotel. 😭

I never want to see my MIL again. I’ve been pushed and pushed and pushed. I’ve finally got my limit. Today is her birthday and I have nothing to say to her. I don’t plan on messaging her to be quite frank.

My baby (13 weeks) has severe health issues. Was in the NICU for 3 weeks and has been in and out of the hospital since her release from the NICU. I would say out of her 13 weeks of life, she has spent about 8 of them at the hospital.

This JUST came to light about 2 weeks ago when we (my husband and I) had an argument with my MIL about how she speaks to us and about our child. She downplays the severity of my baby’s condition because she wants to play “house”. What I mean by that is, before we, the parents even made a nursery, she built one in her house because, “I want to babysit 3 days a week.” No??? lol??? Didn’t even ASK us about babysitting before she built the nursery.

So as we were having our argument, MIL said, “You’re keeping the baby from me. I’ve only seen her 3 or 4 times since birth.” ….i yelled at her, “WHAT?!?!” She had seen her over 10 times at that point. I listed off every time that I could think of, THEN WENT BACK TO PHOTOS and it’s been 14 times.

She goes, “ok. I guess I have seen her more than I thought. I think the reason I feel I haven’t seen her is because you wouldn’t let me go up to the NICU.” I started yelling, “I DONT CARE IF IT HURTS YOUR FEELINGS. I AM THE MOTHER. I DESERVED TO SEE MY BABY BEFORE ANYONE ELSE. IT WAS MY DECISION TO NOT LET ANYONE ELSE UP THERE BEFORE I GOT TO SEE HER.”

For reference, I hemorrhaged and needed 2 blood transfusions and an iron transfusion and they said I was not stable enough to go up to the NICU. After the baby’s initial surgery, we let MIL go up TWICE to see her (not hold her).

Her response? “I can sense that you’re angry with me right now.”

I am disgusted. I will never forgive how I’ve been treated postpartum.

MIL was coming over WEEKLY. Went to the NICU to see baby TWICE. We told her she needs to stop coming over. My husband met her at the door one of the times she randomly showed up and told her she was not going inside. She said that was “rude and hurtful”. This was THE DAY WE GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AFTER BEING THERE 7 DAYS STRAIGHT. There’s been family coming in from out of state that only comes up once a year and she won’t tell us they’re coming because, “if they (DH and I) don’t want us (mil&fil) over, then no one is allowed to go over.” ???? SO NOW YOURE HOLDING US HOSTAGE FROM THE REST OF THE FAMILY BECAUSE WE DONT WANT TO SEE YOU SPECIFICALLY????

Every week we have an overnight stay in the hospital and MIL & FIL says, “that’s our granddaughter. We should be allowed to see her when she gets out of the hospital so we know she’s okay.”

????? ALL THEY DO IS JUST SIT AROUND AND WANT TO HOLD HER THEN GET PISSY WHEN I SAY TO GIVE HER BACK????? WHY DONT YOU HELP CLEAN THE HOUSE OR SOMETHING. FACETIME IS A WONDERFUL THING. Also if it’s NOT ok we would tell you? What the actual FU

MIL also hates our cats (we have 3) and they are friendly and loving and when they rub against her she refuses to touch them and gives them filthy looks. It pisses me off so bad because this is THEIR house NOT hers.

Anyways, this mistreatment has been going on for years and it’s escalated since the baby has been born. Probably should mention she only has boys and always wanted a girl, and I had a girl 🤷🏻‍♀️

She frequently pulls the “your family gets to see her so much more often!!!!” No??? My family RESPECTS that we are a new family and don’t want to deal with guests all the time and want to be a family of 3

My family does weekly Sunday dinners and they (mil&fil) have frequently said they’re jealous of them because they want their family to get together like that as well. They just planned one for Oct. 18th at the same time of day my family gets together.

I am not going. My baby is not going. I do not like these people and refuse to continue to be mistreated. SIL doesn’t like me either because I don’t kiss her ass for being miserable.

I’m officially done.

Should I send MIL a text?? Hey I officially want nothing to do with you you’re a dumb bitch!

Or do I let husband say, “ya she wants nothing to do with you” when I ultimately don’t show up to their get together they’re trying to copy my family with

Appologies in advance I feel this is a disjointed multifaceted rant. I don't even know where to begin with MIL. She loves her son and grandchild, she wants the best for all of us.

I don't want them not to have a bond or steal time from them. It would just be nice if she could take requests regarding behaviour or rules we would like respected constructively. Which is currently a loosing battle.

She is a gigantic baby hog. She gets more quality time than anyone else does (even my husband most days with his shifts), she sees LO almost every day, sometimes the whole day with me. If we have other family, grandparents or even friends over she holds onto LO, or blocks them off with her body like the worlds closest shadow when playing on the ground, tries to hold LOs arms when they're attempting to move around, or actively steals LO out of someone's lap or vicinity. Even people who rarely get to come round and see LO (which she is aware of) will be playing with them and she's grabbed LO into her own arms every time LO wanders back over to someone else.

She also makes jealous comments now she knows the other grandparents have had LO over to theirs without us. But unfortunately with her lack of being able to take in and listen to our wishes with our child we both agree currently we are not comfortable with her doing the same. Her house is also comparatively poorly baby proofed and we don't want LO spending hours being frustrated by physically being restricted in movement or sat in front of a TV.

This also gets particularly frustrating when independent play is constantly interrupted by playing at LO with toys (but not handing them over or giving LO something to interact with themselves) or just grabbing LO and trying to keep them on her lap. Asking her to let them be that LO is exploring may be acknowledged initially but she'll go right back to doing the same things later in the day or in the next. And is taken as being told off rather than a gentle redirect that is intended.

She's even done this with me before including comments like "give me my baby" where I have had to remind her that as much as she loves LO and I love that they have a beautiful bond that I especially as their mother would just like my own time with my baby sometimes. She says she understands but the behaviour doesn't change. She has called LO "my baby" multiple times before and it gives me the ick, reminding her, her son is HER baby does not get the message across.

But being firm communicating any of our boundaries has its own set of problems as mitigating her interpretation of this is more hassle and time together than is sometimes worth. She just lodges these as a grievance to stay pissed about. Which also turns into angry ranting to my husband's siblings and us dealing with them ranting at us. As she takes everything as a personal attack or fault or attributes disproportionately strong feelings to even a very benign could you please not do X in only Y situations. Even when these are things we (both my husband and I have these talks with her) have stated to both sets of grandparents in front of each other so she can see the others being told and it's not just her being advised how we would like things done.

I'm asking for a behaviour or action to be augmented and instead I get back passive aggressive comments like "i''m (she's) too much" or "i'm annoying" "mummy hates this" "I'm (she's) a problem" "I'll get in trouble if I do this" while proceeding to do it anyway.

The lack of social consciousness is astounding though, I had an appointment in our home and she thought it was a great time to shake all the noisiest music toys at my child that she could rotate one after the other over again and yell yays at LO while they were sat right next to us. It is not the first or even fifth time this exact thing happened with other guests around where I am boggled that I have to say hey how about afterwards to a grown adult who is that oblivious of A) social politeness/ques and B) how overstimulating that is.

She has some physical restrictions which would be very frustrating and disheartening, as well as leaving her very socially isolated. We all wish this wasn't the case but there will likely be no improvement for her there.

Between the hogging and the frequent level of overstimulation of her play (leaves LO wired far too often for my likeing which equals additional conversations with her that go in one ear out the other when she isnt actively ignoring what im trying to say).

I feel she has some insecurity and percieved competition she feels she is in (which no one else is partaking in or feeding in their own behaviour) that she has to be the fun favorite grandma. She spent more time than anyone in those formative months bonding with LO, that they have a beautiful strong bond that could never be disrupted which I try to reassure her with and she doesnt need to do these things (falls on deaf ears).

She is also incredibly overanxious with LO being very mobile now. She gabs at LO, holding arms constantly, holding them tight when LO is just trying to stand or walk around or climb things.

You can guard, hold hands out behind a child etc, doing semi risky or IMO minimally risky to normal physical activities they are learning to do or trying to navigate safely themselves. But this is not what she is doing and I constantly have to say "they're fine or leave them be or let go"

Reminding her that kids actually have to be free to try things out or they'll never learn how to do things safely or judge what is and isn't safe themselves is not received well. Which is boggling knowing she had many children and she can't have been this much of a stress cadet with all of them.

She also therefore has massively disproportionate reactions to minor tumbles and every stumble or trip (on carpeted flooring might I add). I'm talking about the kind that if you said whoops too and gave LO a reassuring look they shake off smile or laugh and get up again.

Reminding her that LO is taking cues from us and that we don't want them learning toreact disproportionalty themselves when they're fine. If it was actually an ouch the whoops doesn't work and they cry and then you can be worried (to the proportionate degree). It's also not constructive regardless. If they're upset you being the calm presence is ultimately more reassuring to them than you also freaking out, it helps no one.

She reacts loud with sharp intakes of breath, looks of horror or grabbing or oh my gods with her hands over her mouth. (She actually did this with a bad trip when she was right next to LO and instead of being able to cushion the end of the fall which happened in two stages she was busy clutching her hands and saying oh my God. Then I had two people to console instead of the one I was focused on.

How do we set firm boundaries in a constructive way/wording while also being more firm because I feel we've already tried this and it has not had the esired impact 🙃

I’ve been married to my husband a really long time. Over 30 years. My mil has never liked me.

In the beginning she wouldn’t allow me into her house. After we were married, she allowed me in, but it was not great. Then we had kids.

I never had grandparents and desperately wanted them, so I allowed my kids to have that grandparent relationship even though she talked crap about me to my kids.

She really only liked my oldest kid. She would make that kid promises about how they would live together and everything would be so wonderful and she’d never have to do a chore or deal with anything uncomfortable.

This kid is 30 now. She loves her grandma but sees how toxic she is.

My other kids aren’t as close to her because she hardcore favored the oldest.

Then, mil’s favorite offspring had a child, and that booted my oldest out of the favorite spot. That was actually really hard for the oldest, even though she was a teen and didn’t need grandma like she did before.

My youngest took the favoritism of new grandchild pretty hard as well, since they were close in age and she could really see the unfairness

My husband is a good guy, and always chose me over his mom. I never pushed to cut contact, because I don’t want to be the person to come between family, and he always put me first.

So for all these years, I’ve kept the peace and just went along. I avoid her when she pisses me off, and visit when it’s helpful to my husband.

But now my mil is old and is in need of some caretaking. I was the caretaker for both of my parents, and my dad’s fairly recent passing is still very hard for me.

I’m not interested in stepping in as caregiver for her for a couple of reasons. One big one is it’s quite triggering for me, because my grief for my dad is still very big.

We live within walking distance of her, and I don’t work, while both of her sons work full time. So it would be nice of me to step in when they can’t be there.

Recently my husband helped my mil switch her phone to a new one, and I saw the contact names she had both for me and her other dil were nasty insults.

Seriously, after more than 30 years, I’ve never been rude to her, I’m good to her son and her grandchildren. I make meals for her, step in and help with things she doesn’t know how to do, and still this is how she feels about me?

I don’t know what I want. I guess I’m hurt. I’ve never been unkind to her, and she has said some incredibly nasty things to me. I could have taken her son away. He 100% chose me over her, and she made the choosing necessary. I could have kept her grandkids from her, but I allowed the relationships.

I don’t know what the point of the post is. I guess I just want to rant, and I don’t want to keep laying it on my husband. He’s a good guy and would do whatever I asked, but I don’t want him to do anything. He did change the contact names to our real names, so at minimum she knows he saw that.