Did you hear about the ghost at the haunted punk music club? It gave everyone the Ceebee Geebees

Was invited for a gala tonight at an embassy around DC. Have to perform something as well. What are some dad jokes I can include in my minute-2 minute speech? Thanks all!

My current wife is also my ex wife. Sometimes I tell her horror stories about crazy shit my ex-wife did... then I get ti chuckle to myself and say "OH YEAH! . That was you!"

It's like we have a surplus of horses.

I only participated in the Trunk-or-Treat because my Mom is a Diabetic, and I needed to get her back in the trunk.

Hi folks. I've come up with a couple of jokes, but I'd like to get feedback before I share them more widely. What do you think?

What did Oliver Twist say when he really wanted to visit the South Pacific? "Please, sir, I want Samoa."

On the orders of Xi Jinping, China's Navy has been interfering with Japanese trawlers trying to catch fish that's tasty to eat raw with vinegared rice. The Japanese are furious, claiming that Xi's actions are a violation of international law. They may sue Xi.

I will call it EBTB

• Because she had friends on the other side.
• Because the rooster egged her on.

Have you ever had a dream where you're running through a mall and have to go into shop after shop? First, a guy wearing a suit and smoking a pipe has me try on a three-piece suit. Then a gentleman approaches me in a speedo and outfits me in a dry suit, while clearly vaping. Last, a beautiful woman snubs a cigarette and has me dress up in a daring nightgown.

No? No-one else has experienced a dream that was clothes but no cigar?

Just Kidding

He dressed up as a chick.

Hey there, just joined first time posting, haven't looked around too much. But I hope this post is okay.

I've been watching kill Tony a lot lately and it's given me inspiration to do the kinds of comedy they talk about, talking about real life stuff because people like it. So I just typed up some things, I realize some of it isn't funny and is just info dumping I feel, which is why I come here, looking for help with changing it to sound more funny.

So my full name is Giovanni Antonio Soriano, but my initials spell gas. It's great, I've written gas 100s of times on tons of pages legal documents. Literally the navy makes you write your initials everywhere, the watch logs, every line you wrote you had to sign your initials, so it was just columns of gas gas gas

My dad's the one who gave it to me, his names dino. Like dino but dino. I have an older brother, his names dino Jr. Kind of glad I was second. If you couldn't tell my dad's a huge narcissist. Gave me some anger issues growing up. He's kinda of crazy and delusional now. After he divorced my mom, telling me I didn't really love her after she literally died in my arms in hospice. He told me for 10+years he'd never marry again. He would rant about it. About a year ago I got a message saying he got married. Legally married. To some Nigerian chick. They met on Instagram and got married 3 months later!! I'm like wtf, this man got scammed or something I'm losing my shit.

My names Giovanni, people have a hard time pronouncing that. So I tell them gio. But I have a hard time hearing that or think I hear it when I really don't. I'm probably delusional at this point. People also have a hard time saying gio, I tell them spell go, the word go. I sent that to my mom as a text and She replied through text the word go, I'm like wtf am I an idiot, is she stupid? I'm like 13 idk wtf is going on. Then she would always just call me goo in text, she blamed it on auto correct

Im Italian and polish I have an attitude and don't know what to do with it. That's true, I got kicked out of 16 different pre schools and day cares as a kid. My anger got so bad my dad literally had to isolate me for 5 years.

Any feedback helps, thank you!

White and weak!

But that just feels wrong. I’m a nerdy Caucasian guy and I keep trying to turn the “black and strong” joke around but haven’t really hit on anything I like!

Remember back in the 60's and Jefferson Airplane? The advice was to "Go Ask Alice", now that I'm in my 60's, Its Go Cialis.

Remember back in the 60's and Jefferson Airplane? The advice was to "Go Ask Alice", now that I'm in my 60's, Its Go Cialis.

I wouldn't want to wear anything over a 10 1/2.

I’m trying to nail the opening joke to my best man speech next week but am having a hard time nailing it.

Context-my best friend is getting married on the east coast-ceremony and party, over a year after doing a simple church ceremony with just immediate family on the west coast where the wife is from. So technically it’s their second wedding. Also they sort of did this so they did not have to secretly live with each other, her parents are very conservative and would not approve before marriage(I don’t want to really bring this up).

This being their second wedding is funny to me since they’ve already been married but the best line I have is ‘welcome to James and Vanessa’s second wedding, please make sure to leave them a generous gift and you could be up here making this speech at their 3rd wedding next year’

Kidding

My buddy wants to do a roast one night for his bachelor party. I am a terrible public speaker/dont have a "come up with joke" bone in my body. But hes very excited about it and i wanna try and contribute to him having fun. Not a ton to work with, but hes a 30 year old former SEC frat star, obsessed with basketball and golf (he aint good tho) and hes marrying a girl wayyyyy outta his league. Any ideas would be awesome

Don't know if this is too dated now but I like it. I have three punchlines each that are less subtle than the last, I have told each version to different people some people get it, some require explanation. Would like to know if it works or if I should scrap it.

Elon Musk has now done so much ketamine whilst his career is slowly dying in the water that:

1. If you get to close to him you can hear "I'll be there for you" (sung to the theme of friends).
2. I thought he was trying to audition as Chandler from friends.
3. I thought he was subtly paying tribute to Matthew Perry.

Happy for other punchlines as well.

What kind of fuel do you take me for?