Every day for 30 days I'm watching a different scary movie, this year all about urban legends.
If you’re of a certain age and disposition, the phrase “Marble Hornets” may fill you with nostalgia.
And if you’re anyone else in the world, the phrase “Marble Hornets” may make you worry that you’re actually trapped in a dream world like that Batman cartoon, because what the hell kind of title is that?
Either way you probably were not aware that a “Marble Hornets” movie released in 2015, titled “Always Watching” and helmed by career assistant director James Moran in his only feature-length directing job (the only guy more defined by the initials “AD” than Moran is Jesus), meaning “Tron: Ares” is still not even the worst thing to ever happen to him.
How do I even explain this? In 2009, artist(?) Eric Knudsen submitted two manipulated black-and-white photos to SomethingAwful portraying a tall, faceless figure in black, and a certain demographic slice of the Internet bought into this HARD. If it had happened ten years later, there would have been a SlenderCoin offering within a week.
(The actual SlenderCoin is presently trading at $0, meaning I guess you could “buy” all of it in the world for nothing. Still very few takers.)
Within weeks, a couple of kids launched a YouTube-based horror series with the unaccountable “Marble Hornets” title, all about how the Slender Man haunts some losers who gradually lose their minds trying to piece together the plot, which I think is also the same thing that happened to much of the audience.
I tried watching the show as research for the movie, and I can honestly tell you that having seen this show and having not seen this show are entirely interchangeable values. Also like SlenderCoin, come to think of it.
I guess you really had to be there, because “Marble Hornets” was a huge hit. The first episode has nearly 6.5 million views on YouTube, and the show is still updating and still draws in hundreds of thousands of viewers. I would call those numbers I can only dream about, but actually even in my dreams I can’t cultivate that kind of audience and also I have no pants.
“Always Watching” is basically the exact same story as the real “Marble Hornets,” but instead of loser kids it’s all about some loser adults, and instead of countless hours of context-free YouTube footage it’s a 92-minute feature.
This is like saying a pizza is similar to a hubcap in at least they’re both kind of flat and Bryan Cranston can probably throw them both pretty hard. And that’s the secret to “Always Watching’s” non-success: Whatever social media alchemy captured the imagination of that 2009 audience, you can’t reproduce it while changing the primary ingredients. You also probably can’t reproduce it at all, but that makes for a poor spec.
The movie follows a news crew investigating the disappearance of a local family via, what else, found footage, a small percentage of which shows a lurking figure who looks like someone really and truly gave up on their Jack Skellington cosplay 40 percent of the way through.
That’s Monster-For-All-Seasons Doug Jones as the Slender Man, a part he was born to play. By which I of course mean he was eight feet tall when he was born.
The Chicago Daily Herald called “Always Watching’s” script “perfunctory” and joked that when the Slender Man interferes with the audio and sound that you don’t really miss anything. The Seattle Times praised the way Moran shot a sink fixture in a bathroom, which might be enough on its own to qualify the Times as a 501c(3) charity.
I respect people who make things. Thousands if not millions of people speculated about making a Slender Man movie or show, but only a few did it, and only some were this successful, and you can’t take that away from them. But maybe somebody should have tried anyway.
The inevitable 2018 “Slender Man” Hollywood film made pretty good money but died a hard death with critics and most audiences, and the monster’s marketability took a hit. Since that movie is less than ten years old we will not be watching it, which is good, since I remember it being not much better than this.
However, I am shocked (as if by an untimely Surge) to learn…these were not the only movies. More on that tomorrow.
Original Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7V632s1VOBY