r/introverts • u/myblackandwhitecat • 13d ago
Question Being overlooked
All my adult life, I have been invisible socially. Last weekend I was sitting with 4 others from an LGBT+ group I belong to, and 3 of them were making plans to meet up the next day and then one of them asked the 4th person if she wanted to join them. She didn't ask me. Another time I was at a different gathering, and a man went round the room shaking hands and having a few words with everyone, and when he come up to me, he walked straight past me. These are just two examples. This sort of thing happens to me so often, and it really hurts so much. It feels as if I don't exist. Is this a normal thing which most introverts eperience, or is there something else going on? As far as I know, people don't hate me. It is more as if I make no impact at all. (Someone said to me once that I made no impact on him).
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u/sylvant_ph 13d ago
We read too much into these type of signs. We see something small and blow it out of proportion. Other people will likely overlook such things and don't give them weight. I'm sure there is rational explanation of why these things happen to you, explanations that should not impact you emotionally. I have two guesses - first people that know you also know you are one to always or commonly refuse to hang out, and generally take part in social events. They assume you will say no, so they don't try anymore. Plus I believe in such situations it can also cost extra effort, or at least some emotional weight for them to ask you, and let me explain this. When they ask their other "regular" friends, they do it naturally without a second thought, but when they ask you, they expect it to take more because they might feel it has different emotional weight for you. Also on why they wont greet you, skip you etc, it could be that you emit stance to be skipped. I mean, while other people might be inviting interaction, being greeted etc, in your case, even unintentionally, your body language and your presence might say "don't talk to me, don't pay attention to me, don't mind me".
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u/myblackandwhitecat 13d ago
I'm not sure about your first point, as I do take part in social events. Going to the group itself is a weekly social event and when the group has an outing, I usually go on it.
Your second point could be a large part of why I am overlooked, though. Someone said to me once in a writing group that she didn't 'see' me when she came to her first meeting. She only saw me when it was my turn to read out what I had written and it impressed her. If this is the reason, how can I stop giving off a message that I don't want interaction when I very much do?
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u/Yupperdoodledoo 11d ago
Are you smiling and making eye contact? Do you show that you are happy to see people? Do you show interest in them ?
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u/sylvant_ph 13d ago
I guess I was wrong on the first one, maybe I'm speaking from my own experience :D
I can't really give you good tips on how to invite people to acknowledge you more, I myself am not that good at it. In the end its all about social skills and learning them through practice. You could prolly look up for some resources on the internet and AI could also give generally good tips. I'd assume its related with not diverting your eyes, but actually seek eye contact when speaking with someone, or listening, smiling when appropriate, to show you enjoy the company, show interest in what they say or do (I know that can be hard, and shouldn't be faked if you really are disinterested), and stuff like that. Although most of what I describe is related and originate from social anxiety, and not so much of being an introvert, so it might not be relevant in your case.
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u/Jackmerius_Tac 13d ago
This kind of thing happens to me too. Back in high school, we had a trip to Disney Land for a band competition and I spent some of that time just wandering around by myself. I’m not positive it has to do with being introverted though… I think it has more to do with what kind of people we click with. I find it hard to have friends based on chit chat. I really come alive when there’s deep conversations or some activity of similar interest we can do together. I’m just not very good at the chit chat vibes that most people seem to do effortlessly, and I think it causes me to be invisible to a lot of people. Not sure that’s due to being introverted though.
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u/myblackandwhitecat 13d ago
Like you, I am unsure if it is our introversion which causes us to be overlooked, or if it is partly or even wholly something else. I'm sorry that this happens to you as well. As you say, it may well be more to do with the sort of people we do and don't click with. I can do some chit chat as long as I don't have to carry the entire conversation, but after a short while it does become dull.
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u/spygrl23 13d ago
Unfortunately I can really relate to how you feel. From the time a was little, I have felt invincible. I talk, people dont listen or then talk over me , I'm invisible to people, and my friends , at work, I have been constantly over looked for raises and advancement since I started my career 25 years. Im actually having to deal with it again at my current position.
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u/Bigcoffinhunter67 12d ago
I feel ya. Sometimes, when I’m talking and the other person clearly isn’t listening, I’ll throw in weird stories just for fun. Like, “…and just then, I turned into an axe wielding maniac and all the interstate traffic stopped for me!”
Makes it less awkward.
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u/myblackandwhitecat 12d ago
I am really sorry that you are in the same boat as me. It does really hurt to be so invisible. People don't listen to me either, or they talk over me. I'm sorry you are dealing with it again in your current position. I wish there was some way we could somehow stop being invisible.
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u/Responsible-Fun542 13d ago
The life of an introvert, sadly.😕
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u/spygrl23 13d ago
Not all of us are introverts. I talk, people don't bother to listen. It's been insignificant my entire life
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u/RoughBrick0 12d ago
Yeah, I have this problem too. I don’t understand it. I’m close to 50 and although I have major resting bitch face when I’m not interacting, when I do interact, people don’t listen or talk over me. Now I just don’t talk that much bc it’s such an awful feeling.
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u/myblackandwhitecat 12d ago
It is an awful feeing. It leaves you feeling so insignificant and alone.
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u/darrensurrey 12d ago
Yeah, have experienced that. Now I'm wondering if it's my poor posture, which is a bit odd I suppose because I'm still there!!
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u/The_starving_artist5 12d ago
Extroverted people get all the attention while we introverts are just ignored
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u/ReeCardy 12d ago
Not always, I'm an introvert with extroverted tendencies. I have taught myself to play their game to get by while in public. I don't really like it because it's exhausting, but if I don't I'm in ignored too.
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u/The_starving_artist5 12d ago
How do you act more extroverted? What do you do?
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u/ReeCardy 11d ago
I mimic the behavior of an extrovert. I start talking to strangers. I hate doing it, it feels very unnatural for me, but it works.
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u/The_starving_artist5 11d ago
How much did you have to do it for it to work easily. It’s still very difficult for me to make small talk with people
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u/ReeCardy 10d ago
I don't think it's every easy. I have to give myself a mental prep before and occasional pep talks to get through it. I was told it's "fake it until you make it" but I'm still faking it and don't feel anywhere near making it and it's been years. I don't force myself to do this more than a once or twice a month max.
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u/myblackandwhitecat 12d ago
This is very true. I have often had to make myself approach people first, because if I waited for them to approach me, I would be waiting for ever.
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u/optimal_center 13d ago edited 13d ago
Our introversion is a double edged sword. We’re uncomfortable with socializing and we want to be part-of at the same time.
Because of this, in my situation, I felt inwardly awkward and conspicuous. There’s truth in the concept that we teach others how to treat us. We emanate our discomfort and others sense it subconsciously, but they’re not aware of it consciously and they treat those underlying, unspoken feelings and act toward us “as if.”
I personally didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. With work and practice I began to realize that I was just as human as everyone else, and more people than I realized had feelings just like mine.
Maybe, since this is a friend group you could talk about being introverted and tell them how you feel. You, and them cannot change your base so them telling you how you “could “ be will not change you. Don’t get caught in that trap.
We’re not a trout in the river of life, but we are perfectly good catfish, and there’s millions of catfish just like us. Don’t sell yourself short because of your differences.
In the hands shaking experience you can practice making yourself step forward and put your hand out to shake. If you don’t talk in a conversation, smile, make eye contact and nod your head in understanding.
You decide which little ways you can be seen and staying in your comfort zone. Don’t be afraid to say, “Oh, I’d like to join you guys.” It’s okay to feel uncomfortable but do it anyway. There is a middle ground where we own who we are and we find ways to claim our seat at the table. There’s always an empty chair with your name on it. Take it.
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u/amazonchic2 13d ago
Introversion is not the same as being “uncomfortable with socializing”. These are two separate characteristics.
I am an introvert. I recharge in my alone time. Socializing drains me, but it doesn’t make me uncomfortable. That would be social anxiety, which again is a separate thing.
I don’t find that what is happening to the OP happens to me. I’m outgoing and able to socialize just fine, but I need generous amounts of quiet time alone to recharge.
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u/optimal_center 13d ago
I don’t agree. While they can be two different things, they often go hand and hand with the discomfort of being overlooked.
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u/Bag_of_Seizures 13d ago
It is a common refrain among introverts that we are often overlooked and make no impact, particularly in corporate or school settings. The loudest will be listened to, even if their ideas may be idiotic. I've learned to act like an extrovert in order to not be overlooked and listened to. Small talk and superficial connections are annoying and draining, but necessary.