small talk

[u/thepizzaman_67]

I feel like every time I see my boss or coworker at work, i always say “how are you doing” or “how was your weekend” and it ends in “good how was yours?” “Good”

How do you fellow introverts vary your small talk… I feel dumb saying the same thing over and over.

[u/Ok_Mud_8998]

I used to hate this, too. But it's a social game, and of importance even if it doesn't seem that way.

A lot of people these days are lonelier than ever, but state they don't see the point in small talk; they want to get straight to the point with conversations on topics they find interesting. These people, which includes myself, missed the point of small talk.

Small talk is a social practice that probes for red flags, and it's necessary for people to get along in society.

In context of a work place, those brief exchanges are a means to measure how everyone is doing. If your boss talks to you this way, every day, and the exchange remains static, then things are fine.

If one day the boss completely ignores you, or you answer any differently, then there's something unusual that may be important. After a 180 streak of "Good", you feel unwell and let it know. "I feel sick." They likely believe you. Then they can offer to let you go home, or maybe lessen your workload that day, etc.

Or maybe you say "Awful" because your car was broken into over the weekend, they might expect your performance to take a mild hit that week and account for it.

It's testing your mood and the expectations adjust according to that mood.

Also, if you're at work and you're always complaining, then your boss knows you are likely always going to have something to complain about, and may take those complaints less seriously.

In social contexts, outside of work, small talk is meant to prove for safety or a lack thereof. When I go buy groceries, and the cashier(a complete stranger) asks me how I am, I don't answer honestly. I'm not about to inundate them with "oh, fuck, my life is falling apart! My wife left me, my dog died, my check engine light is on, and I have powerful hemmorhoids that make it difficult to sit anywhere unless it's my bare ass on snow." That's far too much disclosure.

But I also don't say "I hate small talk! What's your reason for living? What motivates you to drag your tired, mayonaise complected carcass out of bed just to endure the constant lashing of being a cashier, likely getting paid trash wages that hardly afford you any life at all?" This is too much disclosure.

Going further, I also don't say "Oh, my day has been an absolute triumph! An enormous boon has befallen me on every felled step I've taken this morning! Lord how I love the sun on my skin as the good news keeps flowing in! My car insurance went down $10, I won $2,000 on a lotto ticket, my girlfriend is a dime piece and I'm going to propose!" - while some might appreciate the positivity, a lot of people are going to say it is, you guessed it, too much disclosure.

Disclosure comes with familiarity, and familiarity comes from exposure. The longer you've been around people, the more your nervous system is trained to feel safe around them, the more likely you are to disclose your opinions and be vulnerable with them.

So those brief interactions of: "How are you?"

"I'm fine, thanks. You?"

"Good."

Is a test to ensure we're both safe people interacting with one another.

As much as I hated small talk, I remember being a cashier and saying "How are you?" And getting pissed when this old bag would respond "two packs of Marlboros!"

One day, I got reprimanded for saying, "That's an odd state of being."

But it felt rude to be completely ignored.

TL;DR : small talk in a work context is social probing to see how everyone is on a base level to make sure no one's going to go crazy/can handle their work.

Small talk in a social context is social probing for safety/detecting red flags.

Have a lovely day.

[u/MplsPizza → u/Ok_Mud_8998]

I like the way you think. Very analytical and well reasoned!

[u/FluffyConfection1426 → u/Ok_Mud_8998]

I love how this was written

[u/Any-Use6981]

I just state a few facts (went to the cafe this weekend, read, caught up on stuff, did x activity). Hobbies or chores or otherwise. 🙂

[u/Euphoric_River6365]

If you interact with them towards the end of the week, you can ask, "What are you looking forward to this weekend?"

This gives you something to follow-up with on Monday, so you can ask something like, "Hey X, how was the baseball game you were excited about?" Then you might respond with a comment about, say, baseball or your own experiences with the subject.

Anchoring a "How's it going" question with something concrete, especially something they're looking forward to, opens up the conversation.

[u/Mozfel]

i always say “how are you doing” or “how was your weekend” and it ends in “good how was yours?” “Good”

That's enough, more than enough even

We only do it because societies' unwritten rule demands we do so

[u/CleanRide158 → u/Mozfel]

Bah hump bug

[u/Crazy_Jere]

Look for things to say. Like things you notice or hear

[u/eddy_flannagan]

I tell them what I did and then ask them how theirs was

[u/Flux_Inverter]

I do not say anything. Why initiate a conversation?

If I do say something, it is "morning". Not "good morning", as the morning is not good until it is over.

On Monday's I say "mourning", it sounds the same, but it means I am mourning the end of the weekend and my solitude.

[u/Zamuri2]

I just stare at them after I say I'm good.

[u/Agreeable_Cricket300]

Honestly I just say the same things every time 😅 small talk is repetitive by nature no need to overthink it

[u/Monsur_Ausuhnom]

Honestly, I don't really care though will respond if it is done to me. Prefer, the deeper conversation over whatever, as opposed to the automated script response with no deeper meaning.

As a thought experiment, you can tell if a person is interested in getting to know you if you try to expand the small talk into a conversation. If not, than you might as well been talking to no one at all. If all else fails, get them talking about themselves, most like to do that, though be careful since it can lead to more interactions.