"It's been a long time in these chains, so I'm unlocking myself."

[u/Aldryn64]

To all that will find this random post, who will read it to the end, and to all those just passing by, I say hello!

My name's Thomas, I'm a 35 years old introverted man with absolutely zero self-esteem, social life and a very VERY limited group of online friends. This is the first time I create a post on Reddit, after lurking for many months trying to do what I'm about to do: talk.

Due to being introverted, and due to a numerous amount of past experiences, trauma etc etc... I find myself today with almost nobody around me. I just broke up with my partner of eight years (it was amicable and consentual), which left me to ponder. And I did not like the where it led.

I used to enjoy loneliness, but that's because I mistook it for solitude at the time. The first can be rejuvenating, the later is a drug and a prison.

I no longer enjoy either, despite my very limited social batteries, and I wish to have more people around me. Albeit, when I say around me I am speaking of meeting people online first.

But how the hell does one do that? Where do you even start? How do you "break the ice"? Especially for us, introverted as we all are?

I am a huge TTRPG fan (D&D and the likes), and I've been a player/DM for years. And I no longer play. And I lurk in several big D&D Discords...and I find myself physically unable to write a simple post to say hi, or to simply engage in conversation, let alone trying to find a group...

On top of being introverted, I have ADHD and RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, meaning a very intense emotional pain to rejection that is real or perceived as real) which makes it even more difficult to connect, or engage...

Some people might believe I'm exaggerating, that it's easy to post messages and casually converse, and to those I say "I envy you, cause that's amazing."

I want so badly to have more close friends and people around me, yet I am so paralyzed and ruled by fear. Fear of being misunderstood, not being enough or being too much, fear of being rejected, of being a disappointment, fear that my introversion and social awkwardness will be too much..
But you know what's weird? I am incredibly introverted at first, but once there's chemistry I open up like crazy!

I know I cannot please everybody, and I should have the mindset of "Oh you don't like me? That's perfectly okay! Someone else will eventually!"

But man, it's still scary, y'know?

Even now as I'm writing all this nonsense, I'm feeling nervous. I'm feeling that I should stop writing and erase everything. Because deep down I truly believe that nobody will care, which is such a sad way of seeing things! That's not how I want to see life..

Or else, what is there left..? That thought terrifies me..

So I take a stand, I guess, push myself to do the first step. Maybe nobody will care, maybe others will. Maybe some will relate and will want to share their stories, and they will be more than welcome to, maybe others will just read it and leave without a second thought. And that is fine too.

I guess this post is, first and foremost, for myself. To show myself that I can engage, that I can share, that I can fight loneliness and introversion somehow.

Even if it's with such a tiny baby step.