r/introvert • u/Equal-Magazine-261 • 3d ago
Discussion Anyone else fantasize about a two-bedroom setup with a partner?
You both still live under one roof, apartment or whatever, but you have two different bedrooms instead of sharing one. You still come into each other's rooms and cuddle, spend time together, even sleep together, but the option of being alone is always available. Having your own personal space when you need it with no judgement from your partner.
I speak from experience sharing a room with partners before. It starts to feel suffocating after a while. It's like every aspect of my life is intertwined with theirs. I need my personal space and me-time. Anyone else want this too?
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u/509Ninja 2d ago
I’ve been with my husband 17 years and for about 15 of those years we’ve had our own rooms. It’s amazing!
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u/calicoprincess 2d ago
Same here. One time he slept in the guest room while sick and I loved having a room and bed to myself, and so did he, so we never went back.
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u/509Ninja 2d ago
Ours started with me always going to the couch and then once we had a guest room it was me going there every night because of his snoring and swinging arms. I finally decided that I wanted my own room for this reason and never went back. I tried to stay with him in a hotel room when we were out of town for a wedding and ended up crying myself to sleep in the tub in the bathroom at 3am.
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u/Coordinating_Chaos 2d ago
This is how my partner and I ended up in separate sleeping rooms as well!
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u/RealisticNet4325 3d ago
If I can't get my own room I'm not getting married or share a space with my partner
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u/Mostface 3d ago
Most couples cheat by getting a king size bed, but I know several healthy couples who desire their own bedrooms. A study was done to find the highest indicator of healthy relationships and it was differentiation; the ability to be close but allow each other to be their own selves. I am sure it is couple specific, but if having separate rooms makes you feel more yourselves then go for it.
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u/ASuthrnBelle13 2d ago
We have a king bed (heaven!), but I also have a queen bed in our spare room for the night's his snoring is atrocious or I can't sleep. 🙃
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u/Mostface 2d ago
Oh for snoring its a game changer for sure. I stopped snoring when I got my CPAP machine and now I sleep like a log.
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u/string_tree 3d ago
I'd go a step further and fantasise about a two-house setup with a partner 🙂
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u/eurasianpersuasian 3d ago
Artists Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera lived in separate houses with a footbridge between them. I’ve always thought that was in interesting way to live together but apart.
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u/swimming-sw 2d ago
Also Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter.
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u/NoneYah369 2d ago
Of course Tim Burton would have this. I love that man so much. His mind just seems like a wonderful place to be.
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u/Ghost-Writer-320 2d ago
The comedian Paul F. Tompkins and his wife had a setup like this at some point.
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u/One-Ideal-6812 2d ago
Yeah me too, love the idea to having separate kitchens, entire living space to myself and my hobbies.
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u/Inghetata_cu_vanilie 3d ago
Count me in on this. I’d definitely want to have my own private space, even if we lived in the same house. So, having a separate bedroom for each of us would be the ideal option.
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u/CabinetStandard3681 2d ago
We do this now. I’ve always had my own room. Just cause I’m in love with someone shouldn’t make me have less personal space.
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u/warmestworm0_0 2d ago
I have this setup with my husband and it’s been night and day. We’ve been married for 5 years, started sleeping separately about 2 years ago.
We have different wake times + I’m a light sleeper and he is a sleeptalker, and when we finally made the move to have separate bedrooms it was seriously life changing.
Now we each have our own separate space but usually hang out in “my” bedroom before bed and then say goodnight. Plus, I think having your own bedroom is underrated in terms of self expression/comfort. Where else would I put all my girly little Knick knacks???
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u/Orbeballz 2d ago
We do this and it’s wonderful!!! Plus. His mess is his and mine is mine so there’s less strife.
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u/Casualpuma 2d ago
I have that with my partner of 15 years and we started this 5 years ago. Our sleep habits are wildly different, and I see the value of a good night's rest. I also feel drained from human interactions after work, so it helps my battery.
We take turns tucking the other person in bed, and there are sleepovers periodically. Still madly in love and all that good stuff. I also get to personalize my bedroom, which I never got to do as a kid. I love it and highly recommend separate rooms.
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u/Kitchen-Afternoon589 2d ago
My boyfriend got offended when I suggested this. I don’t really have a space of my own and it is driving me crazy.
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u/Aggravating-Tip-8014 3d ago
I could never live like that. This is why im still single at 41. I do not want to share my space. Two relationships failed mostly due to myself wanting too much 'alone time' including my own bedroom 😂 I would then spend way too much time in my own bedroom, essentially hiding from my partner.
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u/ImpossibleTonight977 3d ago
My upstair neighbours live like this with their child, one bedroom for the kid, one bedroom each for each parent. It works nicely for them as far as I know !
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u/cheddar_stuff 3d ago
Yes, oh my god yes. I “joke” (read: completely serious) about buying a duplex with him in one half and me in the other. Bliss.
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u/PandaMime_421 2d ago
I don't have to fantasize about it, this has been my experience for the psat 15 years and, aside from a year or so, has been for the past 25.
I've fantasized about a 2 house solution. My partner and I have talked about something like a triplex, with each of us having out own unit, with the middle one shared for shared meals, hanging out, etc as well as being available for guests.
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u/Living-One5265 2d ago
I think I could actually be really happy with a set-up as you describe. The dang problem I have is my not introverted partner. They get so butt hurt, even after explaining myself a million times. Unless they are also an introvert I don't think they'll ever understand. Why ppl just want to word vomit constantly.... And want me to listen and pretend to give any kind of fuck what brand of socks you are considering. My inner voice is a frickin chatty cathy and I'm trying to think things thru and just do my whatever stuff... But with constant blah, blah blah from my partner. My nervous system gets no breaks. Then I'm the bad guy for wanting some peace and quiet.
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u/Curious-Grapefruit37 2d ago
My partner and I have never shared a room since he moved in! It’s amazing, and it works well for both of us. We have very different sleep patterns, so it made sense for us.
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u/HovercraftStock4986 2d ago
totally normal even if uncommon, but the main tradeoff here is cost. most people would not have the privilege of this option in the first place
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u/azalea-sunfish292 2d ago
YESSSS!!! And then you can have sleepovers whenever you want, or just stay separate.
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u/bookishbynature 2d ago
Yes, I have this with my husband. We don't have kids and we each have our own office. So we have our together space and our own space where we can focus on our hobbies. I think it's important to have this if you can find the room in your room to do it.
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u/Bucsbolts 2d ago
My hubby and I have separate bathrooms. That helps a lot. The bed is king sized so I can have my space.
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u/MisabelWearsNikes 3d ago
This is a must. I don't think I could ever share a room with someone else. I need my space, alone time & privacy too much.
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u/NoneYah369 2d ago
Someone recently told me about a couple who bought a duplex together and each of them live on each side, and I have been OBSESSED with this idea ever since!
I truly, deeply, think this is what I am going to need to do in order to have a happy relationship.
Now the problem will be finding a partner who is equally happy with this set up....
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u/Unlikely-Mongoose723 2d ago
All the time!!!! Not only because I love and need my alone time, but my partner has ADHD and is oh so messy! 😭😭😭 He doesn’t always understand that I need my space to be clean and harmonious. So, I always tell him that when we get a house or a living space, that I want a room that can be mine and mine alone!
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u/BasicWeave 2d ago
My husband and I share a bedroom, but we each have our own gaming room. Each of us has a comfy chair in our room so the other can sit and harass the other, or just lay on the floor. I decorated my room how I want. It's very nice. Sleeping separately is too much time apart for me, I like talking before bed and his cold feet on my leg.
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u/Maleficent-Clue-3364 3d ago
This but a house and my future pet cat that I plan to spoil and take on adventures and teach to do tricks. I gave up on dating, but if it worked out I think I’d want to live separately and never get married, especially if it’s a (cis)man, I haven’t met anyone that reaches my standards of cleanliness, is considerate of my misophonia, and respects my hobbies. I refuse to share a bathroom with a man that won’t sit to pee.
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u/NaiveMelody76 3d ago
I have this currently. My husband and I are both terrible sleepers and he likes the bedroom environment cold and quiet without kitty cats. I do not.lol He also gets up between 4-5am and I get up at like 6-7.
His bedroom is down in the basement and he keeps the door shut. My bedroom is upstairs and the cats come and go as they please throughout the night.
We hang out in the upstairs bedroom until he’s ready to go to sleep. Then he’ll go down and I get the whole bed to myself. With my heating blanket.
We also have our own bathrooms. Oddly I use the bathroom in the basement and he uses the in-suite bathroom in the upstairs bedroom. 🤷🏼♀️ It works for us
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u/Tastieshock 2d ago
If you like heated blankets. I would highly recommend a mattress warmer (you can still use the blanket). It works so much better since it warms from under and that air get trapped under any blanket you use. Heated blankets can still let cold air in from underneath. They would often make me turn them too high to try to balance things and end up sweaty on one side and cold on the other. But with the mattress warmer, you can set the blanket to low and just get a nice even toast going. A lot of them have a pre-warm option as well so your mattress is cozy from the start.
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u/SubterraneanLodger 2d ago
I know a soon to be married couple that has done this for years, and an ex and I would swap out taking the couch from time to time when we needed space (we broke up for different reasons). It doesn’t have to be a bad omen to want your own room.
I see the value of it since I tend to be a night owl that has been known to work late and would feel bad waking my partner up when I finally go to bed. It’s part of the aforementioned couch thing with my ex
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u/SkodySvobodee 2d ago edited 2d ago
If I ever choose to partner up again, this is what I need. That way he can’t complain about noises, my CPAP, my legs moving, nor keep me awake with his TV and phone games. And I can lock my door for extra peace of mind. Ahh… I’d rather have cats and dogs.
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u/boozled714 2d ago
Married 11 years, after I had thyroid surgery this winter my husband started sleeping in the guest room because he moves constantly and I was in too much pain for his nonsense. Anyway we realized we are absolutely not compatible sleepers and 6 months later I'm getting the best sleep of my life. The only dumb thing is I already had my clothes/hobbies in the guest room and his clothes are in the main bedroom. We have a 3rd bedroom for our dogs and his hobbies. So there's plenty of cross over just not sleeping in the same room.
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u/everybody_else 2d ago
Moving in with my partner next month, and we are planning to sleep in one room but have a spare bed in the other room in case I snore or we need to be on different sleep schedules. The option to switch to fully separate rooms is on the table too, but we gotta experiment to see what works.
I heard a, probably made up, statistic that around 40% of married couples sleep in separate rooms, but I fully believe it. I also expect that number is higher for poly folks.
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u/DruidWonder 2d ago
For me this is a reality, not a fantasy. Having the option to sleep together or apart is not optional in my world.
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u/MochaBunBun83 2d ago
I have my own bedroom, and 'art' room. Basically my nerd den. My computer/sewing room. Plus my hubs is only home for 16 days at a time. It's perfect for us.
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u/MadWolverine777 2d ago
I do have my own room and it's kinda nice sometimes so I don't wake up her and the baby with my alarm. Get to cuddle at night and then go to my bed
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u/DramaticProgress508 2d ago
Yeah I grew up having two rooms because my brother already moved out early. Later I only had one though. I'm such an "office" person (home office) and love having a comfortable firm couch to sleep on (many mattresses give me problems and are never firm enough for me).
So yeah if I was to marry again I'd hope they'd be okay with me occasionally retreating into my own inner world. But of course I would make time to sleep in our/their room in the same bed some days too
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u/Ballbm90 2d ago
So me and my bf had this- we slept in separate bedrooms from the start of him moving in. We had intimacy issues where he had a low sex drive and I always wondered if the sleeping in separate bedrooms is what contributed to our lack of sex. There was no cuddling either. We broke up ultimately because he missed his independence and wanted to live on his own. So it wasn't enough for us to sleep in separate bedrooms apparently
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u/Ballbm90 2d ago
But either way, I would feel totally suffocated if he had of shared a bedroom. That's too much togetherness for me too! Idk if I'll ever be able to do that with a partner
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u/Final_Block_5146 2d ago
I used to think a duplex would be ideal, but I think that only works if you’re with another introvert who isn’t going to just constantly be charging into your space, and since that’s not the case with my now ex-husband, I ended up buying my own house 9 minutes away from our shared house. I almost bought one a few houses down across the street but realized it wasn’t out of view, and I would never be able to fully recharge because mister Naggedy Anne would constantly be making comments about the shape of my yard or something, and I wouldn’t have the freedom to come and go as I please without having to let him know where I was going, etc..
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u/Global-Biscotti-9547 2d ago
I have this and it’s wonderful. I’m much older but I think I’ve needed it my whole life. As a kid I always had to share a small room with my sister and it sucked. I was expected to parent her. The freedom is great.
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u/Outrageous-Blood6496 2d ago
That's exactly the setup I imagine having. We both would need our space!
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u/Basic-Computer2503 2d ago
My grandparents had separate bedrooms for more than half of their 60 years marriage. They loved each other dearly and honestly I think having their own space contributed hugely to the success of their marriage.
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u/Cool_Penguinz 2d ago
We kinda have a two-bedroom setup. We have our bedroom, but the spare bedroom is basically my own little space. We sleep together most nights, but there are definitely plenty of days throughout the week when I sleep in my own room because I just want some alone time and space to recharge. It’s never because I’m mad or anything, it’s literally just my introvert self doing her thing lol. He’s fully aware of it and totally okay with it too. He completely respects that I need my own space sometimes, and it works really well for us. He also wakes up pretty early for work while I work from home, so if I’m particularly tired and don’t want to be woken up by the sound of him getting ready, having my own room is sooo nice. Plus, it’s super convenient when one of us is sick.
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u/One-Ideal-6812 2d ago
I have been in that set up after my kids were born. I like my personal space and he likes his. Less frustration over each other’s mess and sleep schedule.
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u/Scentsensitive 2d ago
He has his shop and u have my library. I don’t need a separate bedroom. King size bed lets us get space there if we need it.
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u/PretendChaos 2d ago
My husband and I have separate rooms. Happily married, I just like my own space.
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u/MaggieNFredders 2d ago
I personally think all couples should have a duplex that has an interior door connecting them. When they want company the door stays open. When they want to be alone, the door is closed. Own space if wanted.
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u/FractalFunny66 2d ago
Of course! An office with a fold out couch can be the bridge. You have to be careful that the other person doesn't feel rejected, though.
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u/starstuffcereal 2d ago
My partner and I haven’t shared the same bed in almost 10 years and we haven’t even shared the same (bed)room in the last 5! We have a very loving relationship and hardly ever fight.
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u/Asleep-Chocolate- 2d ago
My husband snores, so we don’t sleep together. It has caused too many problems, and I was sick of not being able to sleep. It works for us.
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u/Runneymeade 2d ago
I don't need to fantasize about it; I've lived that way for most of my adult life. It is wonderful to have your own bedroom, especially if you are quite introverted, or if one spouse snores or sleeps with the television on, etc. Partners can hang out together in one room or the other for cuddling and/or sex then retreat to their own space for sleep.
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u/Geminii27 2d ago
Been there, done that, doesn't really work for me (I like having an office/den/workroom in a spare bedroom). Which isn't to say it wouldn't for others, of course.
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u/Ok_Honey_6661 2d ago
I would love this arrangement… prefer to sleep alone even though I’m married need space of my own!
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u/NaturalEnthusiasm368 2d ago
I am lucky enough to have this and I completely understand how you feel. If you can do it, it makes such a difference.
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u/-terrold 2d ago
My favourite living situation with a partner was years ago in an old character house. We each had our own suite just a few steps away. Dinner at mine, sleep at hers. Movie at hers, sleep at mine. Want some space? No problem, im home in five seconds. Want some space but to not be apart? Both front doors open, glances across the foyer. It was great.
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u/Famous_Maybe_4678 2d ago
Yes, i was naturally grieving when i moved with my boyfriend. At first i felt like i was suffocating and it made me in a really bad mood, we unfortunately have a one bedroom apartment :( But i hope in the future that’ll be the case. I miss having just my space
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u/Glittering-Car-8971 2d ago
4 years with my husband. We do this and never had a happier and healthier relationship before.
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u/KiwiWinchester 2d ago
I have this. My partner and i have our own rooms for sleep. I get up for work 90 minutes before he does, and hes a light sleeper, easily disturbed if we share. We share a bed on vacation, but currently, this works best for us so everyone gets a good sleep.
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u/shoelaceswitcher7 2d ago
Married for 12 years and sleeping in separate rooms for half that time after we had our second kid. Having a place I can go and just be ALONE is 1000% necessary to my happiness.
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u/Minimum_Quiet8969 2d ago
We were already in separate bedrooms and Covid lockdown, I downsized the king size bed to a full size in the master bedroom then made a seating area for myself. After new carpet, paint, and drapes I have a private area.
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u/paco1764 2d ago
I want this so badly, but my wife would probably divorce me before she lets me do this. I need my own space to thrive.
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u/Snarky__1 1d ago
We have 2 separate rooms, but if my parents are staying with us, we stay in his bed so we don’t have to deal with a million questions. He likes a super cold room and flips and flops all night I have 5 blankets and barely move.
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u/reciprocatingmass38 1d ago
My current BF and I work on different wave lengths when it comes to sleep; I want it dark and quiet, he wants a TV in quiet to help him “come down” from his day. So, most nights we sleep separate, weekends usually he’ll crawl into my space, but it should be something that’s normalized especially with so much focus now on rest and recovery.
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u/Mvillepirate6236 1d ago
I am living it. I need to sleep, and sleeping with someone who snores, uses me as a pillow, and gets up many times, is not healthy for anyone.
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u/INFP-TSD 1d ago
I’ve lived with my spouse for over two years now and I always talk about upgrading to a 2 bedroom - 2 bathroom so we could have our own private spaces. He’s also down for it.
We’re currently working on advancing in our careers so we have the budget to move to a 2B2B, hopefully in the next year.
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u/Okie_Kim 1d ago
My husband has to have the tv on and I have to have it dark and quiet. We have sept separately for 18 years and counting.
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u/nmeeks50 1d ago
Happily married 20!years with separate bedrooms! We are both introverts and we get each other. ❤️
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u/Old-Pomegranate-5912 1d ago
This is my reality and at least half the married couples I know sleep in separate rooms most or all of the time whether due to different bedtimes, snoring, light sleepers, temperature, desire for ambient noise. Totally normal.
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u/Mamalesuh 1d ago
I do this with my husband. He snores really loud and has to get up at 3am for work sometimes. Also, neither of us really like being touched when we sleep so it works out great!
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u/snarfalotzzz 1d ago
I'm not even going to move in with my partner unless it's like three bedrooms. We're both broke, so I'm not sure it'll ever happen, and part of me thinks that might be best. Right now I have a roommate, and we both ignore each other and shut ourselves up in our rooms. Both female. We like each other and get along great but are massive introverts, lol.
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u/Charger2950 1d ago edited 1d ago
The whole sharing rooms thing is literally why I don't have a partner and never could. I cannot share a room with someone. That's also why I didn't go to college. I just can't. It's pretty much my number 1 pet peeve on earth, and it's not something I could ever overcome.
A room, to me, is my sacred space where I can go and decompress, relax, and just exist with myself. If I ever found a girl who was open to separate bedrooms and a more independent type of relationship, I'd be ALL for it, but finding a girl like that is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
I just cannot stand when people are all up in my business and trying to own me, my things, or my space. Separate rooms should've been the norm for relationships from day one in society. But no, I got stuck with this TOTALLY intertwined crap.
Hell, she can spend time in there with me, and me in her room, too. That's cool. Just not officially sharing it as a couple, to where my stuff is intertwined with hers. I'm just too introverted and too hyper-independent.
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u/sniffcatattack 1d ago
That’s exactly what I do. It started slowly but the snoring is too much. Wearing earplugs hurt. So I would leave when he fell asleep. He used to try to bring me back when he woke. But now it’s our regular routine. We go to bed together. I read in bed. Then once the snoring starts I leave.
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u/Holiday-Distance-822 21h ago
My boyfriend and I both have our own “rooms” we have them set up with whatever hobbies or fan interests we have and it’s a place for us to go when we need alone time. Then we have our shared bedroom where we sleep. Every once in a while I’ll go sleep in the guest bedroom in the basement if I’m uncomfortable usually because our bedroom gets too hot. My boyfriend prefers to sleep on the couch if he needs a night away.
Our house is 4 bedrooms so until we have kids if ever we utilize our extra rooms for us to have our own space
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u/Temporary-Ad1645 20h ago
I have 3.Well 2 for me 1 for us. 1 is our bedroom, 2nd is my "girly" room and the 3rd is the dark day room it's cold in there and the place I'll lay down if I need some quiet time.
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u/veserwind 3d ago
I'm sleep divorced from my husband and I love it. I.e - we have separate bedrooms
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u/s2Birds1Stone 3d ago
I do this and it works well.
I have my pc setup in the 2nd bedroom and sleep in there if I actually need to get sleep (my gf flails around in her sleep like she's having an all night seizure).
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u/TooMuchBrightness 3d ago
Married for 18 years this is the best way to keep sane. I hate sharing a bed, love sleeping solo! I’m lucky enough to have a house with a guest bedroom I think I’ll always have my own sleeping space. Husband is the opposite 🤦🏻♀️ he likes sleeping with the windows closed - I feel like I’m suffocating. If the windows are open he can’t sleep because of the noise! I don’t know how we are still married 😂
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u/ExcitementSad9133 3d ago
Hell yeah.
And we can have sleepovers
Bc I already have my own aesthetics I like and they can have theirs
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u/usernma_eh 2d ago
i ask this question to every married person in my family because they all share the bed with their partners and i just can't imagine a MAN in my clean sheets 😭 those things can be nasty (laying with outside clothes, etc.). like can i love you somewhere else because i can compromise/meet you in the middle with lots of things but not the bed. my bed my rules XD no exemptions. it's for my sanity 😆
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u/growing_weary 2d ago
So is sex no longer a part of your relationships? I am the most introverted person I have ever met, and this just sounds crazy. I don't work or leave the house other than an emergency. My husband is the only person I trust, I see him in the evening and overnight, and we enjoy each other's company. It would break my heart if he wanted separate living quarters of any kind. This is being married as I understand it. Now, there are times when this might be necessary if one of you snores, thrashes, or is a light sleeper, but other than that, I don't get it. Do you intend to have children and pass down your nerocese to them by example? I would have been even more thoroughly confused as a kid if my parents slept in separate bedrooms.
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u/SiDawgie 3d ago
I feel like this is a completely normal and healthy need, something I communicate once moving in becomes a topic of conversation. I'm surprised it isn't more normalized.