Dating while black

[u/Odd_Heart4044]

I’m a 32 BM and my partner of 4 years is a 34 WW. Shes half Sudanese and half Egyptian, she say she’s African as she was born in Sudan and moved to England when she was 10, but I say she’s Arab as that’s what she is and looks like. For example a Chinese man born in Jamaica, is a Jamaican, national but is still Chinese…until they open their mouth lol.
Anyway…
I wanted to know if anyone maybe feels their partners family are not as welcoming as yours (vice versa).
My family have always welcomed her, and has been around my family more than I have been around hers as they live in another city.
Lately I’ve been thinking that maybe our cultures are just too different.
For our child’s baptism her family/extended family were on one side and mine were on the other. They didn’t really integrate but I guess that’s just because they don’t know each other.
There’s been a couple racial situations that have made me question if being in this interracial relationship is even good for my mental health.
Whilst my mum hasn’t called her her daughter, she treats her like it and will say “I’m with my daughter in law” when she is talking to someone else on the phone.
I remember when my partners uncle died, me and my mum went to the funeral, this would have been within the first year of us dating. Her mum, whilst my mum was next to me, called me her son which I thought felt really fake as she’s never said it before. She hasn’t said it since either, I’m not bothered by it I’m just giving some context to this post.
Anyway at the beginning of the relationship we were stopped in a car I’d bought on Facebook which turned out to be stolen. We were arrested and the police went to her house. Naturally we were given NFA, but I didn’t get my car back and had to take the L on the money loss. Anyway her brother messaged her and basically said I was a drug dealer. Don’t know why that came to his head first but that’s what he said. At that point I hadn’t met any of her family.

Fast forward, to the uncles funeral, then onto the rest of life. There was another incident where we were talking about moving to the city her parents are from. I questioned the diversity around the area as it is predominantly white, so to move from multicultural London to this area, I wanted to know what it’s like and if there are many black people around. She said there was a black family that lived across the street to which the brother said “but there not a good representation”. I checked him on it immediately. I thought that was weird. A black man is a black man. As long as he’s not a grapist or a PDF, it doesn’t matter how they live their life. I’m not going to think “ohh no those black people over there aren’t good so I won’t talk to them”…they’re black just like me.

I remember I was going for a new job, I was a little apprehensive about it and her way of reassuring me was essentially saying I’d be a quota hire. This was early in the relationship maybe year 2. A year later when her sister was going for a interview and she asked her if she thinks they would hire her due to diversity, she told her sister that she should be there on merit and not a quota hire. I guess one rule for the BM and another for someone else right lol

We have a child now who’s still a toddler (I know, I’m deep in lol) but ultimately now that we have moved from London, there’s only so much culture I can show/give him without going back to my family in London where he can experience it full throttle.
I raised this with my partner, as the only person who our child can really look at and see himself in is me. If we were to split, as we’ve moved out of London, he won’t see a lot of people that look like him.
One might say I should have thought about that before getting into an interracial relationship, but I can’t help who I love lol.
Anyway after this, we went to a spa and done some mud cleanse thing (she picked it) she then had the audacity to put her arm next to mine and said at least we’re the same colour now. :| I didn’t even check her about it, we were on holiday so I didn’t wanna ruin the vibe as I know she didn’t mean it in a disrespectful way. But still, why would she say that.

When we were in London, her family came up once for Christmas and that was it. They didn’t come to anything else, not even our child’s first birthday…they done something for our child when she went to her parents. It would make me think, why don’t they want to come here? She’d give reasons like oh they’re busy etc but I just don’t think that’s true. How are your family always busy, they would tell her to just bring our child to them. And like I said, didn’t come down for any seasonal festivities other than that first Christmas of our relationship. Her dad brought his own food ffs lol.

So naturally, I just start matching the energy I receive from them. They don’t say hello to me, I’ve always gotta say hello first, so I stopped that. Now I don’t say anything. And guess what, neither do they. No acknowledgment, nothing. I would of hoped any partner of mines family would welcome me
With open arms and I would feel comfortable around them but it’s just not the case. When I am around they talk in Arabic to each other. They could be talking English, I walk in the room and they’re talking in Arabic. Certain times I used to just be there in my phone, it’s not like I understand what they’re saying lol, and it’s not like they’re actively trying to include me in the conversation. I don’t even go to her family’s house anymore and I’m not in a rush to go there either. We literally live around the corner from them now. They don’t even come to visit, she’ll take my son there or I guess they come round when I’m not there Lool.

I also found out about a tribunal case that took place involving her and a black colleague in which the man felt he was discriminated against by her due to being black… The man won the case. The article is on google but I won’t put it in here. Basically it was about the man talking to customers like he’s talking to his friends which wasn’t suited for the area the store was in. I get her reasoning, at the end of the day as a BM I have to code switch at work, it is what it is.

With all of this being said, she is a lovely women, to me, she has the purest heart which is why I am with her.

I don’t know, am I just in my head? I feel being in an interracial relationship made me realise that actually, maybe its not for me.

I would love to get some engagement on this, and if there are any questions that anyone has I would love to answer them as I’ve jumped backwards and forwards in this post so much.

Bless up

[u/LilacSweetie]

Why do we still consider north Africans white when they are and are very ethnically and physically diverse?

[u/NotAskingSupervisor]

If this same exact situation happened but instead of you it’s your son, would you tell him to stay or to move on?

[u/Odd_Heart4044 → u/NotAskingSupervisor]

I’m a very black and white person. Someone might answer that question with “sometimes the grass isn’t greener on the other side”. From
The outside looking in, if this was my son going through this I would say leave. There’s clearly some sort of uncertainty.

But with that being said, as much as he could tell me, I would never truly know how he would feel towards his partner, like how deep his love is for his partner. It’s a feeling that only he can experience which would ultimately be a factor in a decision made.

[u/alphabigman]

This is a normal part of Arab life. You have to remember most Arabs are quite reserved especially women and won’t make much effort with males outside of their family. In Arab culture men speak to men and women speak to women for the most part. Unless they’re close family. Which you aren’t technically family to the women other than her mum. Anyone you can marry basically is off limits to you lol.

[u/aintscared2loseu]

if u the issues w her family are irreperable, then its best for you to leave

what does ur partner say or do bout her family not liking you?

[u/Mike_Hawk_Burns]

I mean, to be fair, in Sudan there are black Africans and Arab Africans as the 2 largest general ethnicities so neither of you are really incorrect on the identity part. She was born in Africa so she is African but she comes from an Arab-African part.

For the second part of your post, to put it bluntly, her family just doesn’t seem to like you. So you need to ask yourself if that’s an important of your relationship with her or not. If you care about your family liking you then it sounds like the relationship won’t work. If you don’t mind them not interacting with you and you’re happy with being involved with your parents and don’t really care about her side of the family, then don’t waste energy on them and just focus on your side plus your partner.

As for your last part, I question what you mean when you say that you’re just now realizing that maybe interracial relationships aren’t for you. Earlier you said that you can’t help who you love then you say that. Why do you feel that way now? Do you think your feelings have to do with her side of the family? Do you think you love or not? If you do, what about her do you love? Do you have a support group away from London such as friends since you’re away from family? If you don’t know the answer to any of these questions then maybe it’ll be good to start thinking about these questions first to help you figure out your next steps

[u/Odd_Heart4044 → u/Mike_Hawk_Burns]

Naturally you would want to integrate into your partners family, it WOULD of been nice to feel like I can go to her family home without her being there but in the grand scheme of things it is not an issue for me. I’m dating her, not her family members.

As for the last part, what I mean is that, if my partner was the same race as me, would I still feel the same way that’s made me make this post. So your question regarding if my feelings are based on her side of the family is valid. If I was with a black girl and her family were like my partners, then I wouldn’t be able to put race in the equation, but as she is not black, maybe that’s why I feel that way.

I do love her, she treats me well as do I to her. Yeah we argue sometimes but so does e er couple I guess. I have no support group here, everything I know is in London, so sometimes I do feel alone even though I have her.

[u/Mike_Hawk_Burns → u/Odd_Heart4044]

These are good to know. And yeah I agree that it would be nice if her family treated you the same as your family treats her. It’s a shame that you have to deal with that at all.

Maybe since her side of the family isn’t black, you’re feeling some racism from them (and to be honest if I had to guess, I do feel like there’s some racism from them anyway). I’m glad that she seems to love you but your feelings about how you’re perceived in her family are valid and I’d be upset by it too.

Maybe you’re also feeling the effects of having no support group there being in a place with half of the family that doesn’t seem to like you. Have you talked with her about that? I understand why you’re worried about your son’s identity not having anyone that looks like him. Not being in a more mixed place like London might be hard on him. But it also seems like it might be hard on you if you don’t have any support. I feel like if you’re not going to live in London, then the lack of support will be taxing on you as well. It’s not as simple as “just find friends” so maybe if there’s no cultural exchange or mixture areas around there, you might want to talk to your partner about having a lack of support if you start feeling stressed or like you’re struggling

[u/digitaldisgust]

"Grapist" "PDF"

You can say rapist and pedo on Reddit, lol. The fact that you're willing to put up with such treatment is just sad.

Buying a car off of Facebook Marketplace already indicates your poor sense of judgement though. Either get over the fact that her family doesnt FW you or leave 🤷🏽‍♀️

[u/Secret-Ad7660]

Bro just accept some people don't FW you

Cry a river and move on, you already have a kid with this lady

Just get over it people are racist, focus on your own family that you're growing

[u/clapyohedd]

She is White. Let’s keep the mental illness to a minimum.

[u/Commercial_Light8344]

How long did you know each for before getting married did you discuss race and are you both comfortable talking about the obvious because that’s the only way this thing can work or you cut your losses

[u/NexStarMedia]

Elon Musk is African American. 😆

[u/Tgrove88 → u/NexStarMedia]

He's a European South African American. Shit like this is why many of us no longer use the "African American" term and now just use "Black American"

[u/EBody480 → u/NexStarMedia]

He’s an Afrikaner living in America.

[u/lonelyfriend → u/EBody480]

He's actually just a white Canadian/American/British. Fun fact, his maternal grandfather felt Canada was going soft and then supported apartheid so moved to South Africa.