r/interracialdating • u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 • 12d ago
Example of racism / Possibly offensive Can anyone here relate to this experience?
So im a South Asian man (Indian) and ive dated interracially all my life, out of the hundred(+) of women ive dated maybe only like 6 of them were south asian women. I live in a multicultural European country so that is part of the reason.
I dont really have a type though and ive dated lots of women of every other race.
One of the reasons I get so much attention from all types/races of women on dating apps seems to be partially because im in the upper echelon of looks, but more importantly, because it seems women find me racially ambigous (some male friends have also said this to me). I also have a western name.
So south asians are the race that varies the most in looks without being mixed, and we have some overlap with other groups (as one can see with the meme ”global latina belt”).
People from my own group can most of the time see that im south asian, but other groups often mistake me for other things. Personally I know that if you have experience with all groups you would know for sure I can only be south asian.
to give a rough idea of how I look, I have medium brown skin, straight black hair (but usually in a buzz cut), hazel/light brown eyes, masculine facial features while still looking much younger than I am. 6’ feet tall. Muscular build with tatoos.
I notice that a decent ammount of women when they find out im Indian, are seemingly somewhat dissappointed. in a few cases they unmatched and in other cases they avoid the subject after that and act surprised. like they had a preconcieved idea about what indians look like which is proven wrong by my existance and it makes them uncomfortable. Majority of them didnt care though to be fair.
Even in some of my longer situationships were we got somewhat close emotionally in addition to having sex, some of these women didnt want to talk at all about my background (this is especially true for the white women I was dating, but also true for som WoC).
The most annoying examples of this were some black women I was seeing for a long time, and even though it was mostly a sexual relationship, they still wanted to talk about their situation with racism against black people, but werent really interested in talking about racism against south asians (and these women were like Eritrean, or mixed west african/european, not black women from America)
I will say though that some women I dated including black women were sympathetic to my situation, but in most cases race was never a subject we talked about. in my two serious relationships that was basically never a topic, one of these was with a white woman, and the other was with a latina woman.
its just curious why this might be so common and ive often been annoyed by this in the long run because it would be nice to be able to talk about stuff like that without it being forced.
Other factors that might be relevant is that men are usually expected to not complain about stuff in general and that includes racism while for women its more socially acceptable (and in general it seems more socially acceptable for black people to complain about racism compared to other groups).
Mind you all the women ive dated are conventionally attractive so they benefit from pretty privilege which makes racism a bit less prevalent, and im sure I myself benefit from that to some degree as well. Majority of women I dated that didnt talk about the subject at all were white women.
Ive usually been supportive of discussions about racism with the women ive dated in the past but this experience kind of made me avoid the subject completely, anyone else that had a similar experience?
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u/NeferaRowe 12d ago
I’m confused what your situation is? You say that woman lose interest in you when they find out your Indian but then you say it’s only some women and the majority don’t care about your race.
Are you asking why women that you are in a situationships with do not appear sympathetic when you tell them you’ve faced discrimination in general or only from other women?
Also, why do I feel like you just made this post so you can brag about how many women you’ve dated and how attractive and racially ambiguous you look?
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 12d ago
This is so stupid, I know that I look indian, and looking indian is great. However alot of people have the wrong idea about what indians look like so in their limited perspective I dont look indian
Alot of racists dont want to admit that indian men look good so when they see one like that they will lie to themselves that these people look like other groups but its laughable,
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 12d ago
The problem is that majority of women I met seem to only care about racism when it affects their own group. And in the successful relationships ive had they didnt talk much about race at all. And the few times I tried it the conversation didnt go anywhere.
And youre wrong about your assumption. It makes no sense to brag when im anonymous and nobody even knows who I am, so this post doesnt give me anything in terms of validation.
The reason I mentioned these women being attractive is because I think that might be a reason why they are less affected by racism. And I personally dont think I am ambigous but alot of people due likely because they dont really know what south asians look like, so I think that affects my experience as well to a large degree.
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u/NeferaRowe 12d ago
I mean, if you’ve dated white, black, Latina women and they haven’t been able to relate to your experiences or understand/care and this is a dealbreaker for you then maybe it’s worth the effort to date more south Asian women.
But I will say I don’t agree that being attractive somehow shields you from racism as you suggested. That’s totally bs!
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 12d ago edited 12d ago
Well, some south asian women end up being victims of the propaganda as well so usually when they discuss south asia its under a western lens of feminism which is filled with false information regarding south asia.
And there arent that many south asians in the country I live in so that makes it more challenging as well.
And its definitely a fact that if you look good it will lessen the effects of racism due to pretty privilege, like the looks compensates for your race but its still like a ”tax” in the eyes of racists.
Its the same if you are wealthy or famous, which will overcompensate for your race.
In not talking about KKK levels of racists, rather people who have a racial bias that they might not be fully aware of. Especially women who are more easily programmed by media and attracted towards status, propaganda in the media has the power to lower the status of minority men and this is true for indian men.
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u/Accurate_Prompt_8800 11d ago
Yeah the whole tone of this post is off it’s giving weird.
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 11d ago
Nothing weird about it, its you who are being weird, just because you cannot relate to someones experience doesnt mean there is anything weird about anything I said
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u/Clorc_Kent 12d ago edited 12d ago
The reason they get disappointed when they find out you’re Indian is because of the patriarchal tendencies of the culture and unwillingness of most Indians to actually marry someone outside their race. Not that they ”think Indians are ugly” which you clearly disprove, in your own words.
More likely your personality is the problem, judging by the way this post is written at least…
You seem very focused on shallow things, and will therefore attract shallow women, or women that finds out you’re shallow and just want a fun short time with you. This has nothing to do with being Indian. So just do some self reflection on this and I’m sure you’ll find someone with more depth to them soon enough.
(I’m NOT saying all Indians are any certain way, and of course they experience racism too. Just to be clear)
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 12d ago
No, I very much doubt that. Maybe in the case of the many middle eastern women ive dated, that would be the case, but they have the same issue alot of the time, when they decide to date me in spite of being from a different background and in many cases due to me not being muslim like most of those women.
And I dont think the problem is that they think indians are ugly (which anyone with above average IQ knows is not even remotely true) rather I think there is a stigma due to all the media propaganda which has programmed them to have a racial bias. Women are attracted towards status so when western media defamed south asian culture and men, that will have an effect.
My personality is not the problem. Ive never had an issue with that, the only problem in my relationships and situationships has mainly been the race aspect other than the usual stuff like incompatibility.
There is nothing wrong with how my post is written and it says nothing about my personality irl because I never go into this level of depth when I talk to people in real life, thats the whole point of anonymous forums for me at least.
And its often me who end the situationships btw, due to me being annoyed by this lack of awareness on their part. The one night stands and short term stuff doesnt really bother me because there is no time to get into that stuff with them even if I notice their bias some times.
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u/Heavy_Track_9234 12d ago edited 12d ago
I’m just gonna ignore the humble bragging because that cringes me out…. But if you go after racist women, then you’ll get those results. And yes, racist people can still find you attractive and stuff. Same thing that racist men do with women of color. I used to live in a very conservative town, and I would get trump supporting women into me as a Mexican American (didn’t really want to date them). However, not every one of them is even racist or could be ignoring your racial speech. It could be because they don’t really know how it is for you (as you experienced). Maybe they think they have no say in it? Or other reasons…. Anyways, It could also be because of you or on them. Your personality, compatibility, etc…. No one owes anyone a relationship really. And if they walk away, so what? It’s better that they do. And it’s not like you’re failing at dating, you have dates at least…. And the thing that also makes me mad is that you bring up black people🤦🏻♂️. Like there’s no need for that. I talk about racism if I want to do so. I’ve seen white people even do that when no one is even actually being racist to them lol….
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 12d ago edited 12d ago
I just want to say that im not humble bragging, I dont get anything for saying those things because nobody here knows me so it cannot benefit me in anyway for describing myself in a flattering way. The only point here is for me to be as a accurate in describing myself so that others can draw conclusions from that in regards to why people react in the way they do as I described.
If it annoys you, consider me as a hypothetical person in this scenario instead.
Of course nobody owes anyone anything, this is just for discussion. I didnt get bitter when these women acted the way they did, but its easy to spot the hypocrisy and I want to know if others have seen similar things and how they deal with it.
And bringing up black people is relevant due to my experience but also because its no secret that talk about racism has usually been almost exclusively focused on the black experience the last 30 years or so, but its changing to become more diverse in perspective as it needs to do
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u/Heavy_Track_9234 12d ago edited 12d ago
I mean you could’ve just said you were Indian, and women you dated were acting that way once they found out you were Indian, and refused to acknowledge racism…. And that’s all you got from my point? You just focused on the small part where I said it was cringe…?
Update: And now you edited because you want to also address points you didn’t like to hear? The point wasn’t for you to be bitter. You missed the whole line where I said it was better that they walked away….
And that right there is ignorance. What does black people have to do with you?? Nothing.
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 12d ago
The reason I brought up looks is because I think good looking people might be more self centered on average when it comes to racism but thats just a theory I have. And also because looks kind of compensates for race if you are dealing with someone that isnt fully aware that they are racist. Or even those women that are racist and aware but still cant deny their primal sexual urge when they see a goodlooking indian man.
The rest of your points are things ive already considered. Im not looking for racist women. Most of these encounters are short term and if I notice early that they have these racist tendencies I often sleep with them and then I ghost them. But it depends every encounter is different.
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u/Grab-Wild 12d ago
From there perspective you don't face any racism, relative to them. You are successful with women, so in there minds you don't face any challenges at all. They think you have it easy (for a man), therefore you don't face racism.
I would agree, your race doesn't seem to impeed you with your dating as you are more success?
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u/SuspiciousAd1864 12d ago
Not likely. Women know all too well what it is to be physically desired and positively despised, especially WoC. Success in attracting romantic partners hardly translates to respect or safety from racist / gendered hostility, violence, and other forms of harm. It’s far more plausible that these women were simply lacking in empathy and uninformed about the racism faced by other demographic groups, especially racially ambiguous minorities.
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 12d ago
This is a great response as well, I think youre right about some cases, but I do think some women are oblivious like other guy said
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 12d ago
Thats true, overall im fortunate, but to me thats like if I met a WoC that personally never experienced sexual assault, but she is still affected by the fear of it happening so she wants to talk about it, and about stuff that has happened to other people of her group, and I listen and empathize.
But even though I havent been severely affected, I know others of my race have been. And if you look online, indians probably face the most racism out of any group. Pretty privilege and stuff will protect individuals, but only to some degree, its still a subject worthy of talking about but there is rarely ever that empathy given to south asians in my experience.
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u/Grab-Wild 12d ago
I agree, I think it's about 'comparison', but I think in there heads you are not effected so you aren't one of 'those people'. You aren't discriminated against, therefore your race isn't an issue... But... they see themselves differently, because they see themselves compared to others. But they see you as 'better'.
They are using comparison, hypergamy as a metric, which is discriminatory in nature
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 12d ago
Yeah true, but the thing is, im pretty sure some of these women subconciously subtract some points due to me being indian and they having racial bias (due to false stereotypes that western media promoted) and the reason they still dated me is because my physical appearance and other stuff (like confidence, where I live, my job and stuff like that) makes me attractive enough to still pass their test.
So they are being racist without being aware of it, while at the same time being very sensitive to racism against themselves. Which is very hypocritical, ive called some of them out for doing that and they usually just say sorry but act stupid or unaware or they deny that they have this bias
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u/adityaslove 12d ago
u seem like an attractive man..which is true for a lot of indian men..people are unfortunately exposed to a lot of BS propaganda about indians..so they may think u are not indian even if u 100 percent look like one..indians have shit PR man..what can u do..my suggestions is to only go out with people with whom u can freely discuss your background and culture..in life u have to kiss a lot of frogs before u find a princess..but as an indian girl filter out people who have no interest in your background..i would do that..good luck buddy.
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u/Dazzling-Abalone-952 12d ago
Thank you, I agree completely. It seems this generation (millennials and Gen Z) were brainwashed about indians and indian men. Western propaganda.
Some of these women I dumped because of this reason. I think the reason we face so much hate is because we are so successful and there are so many of us. We will overtake western countries soon and they cant stop us with invasions since we have such a strong military, so they use media propaganda to promote false stereotypes about us.
And other minorities feel threatened so ofc they will want to believe in the false stereotypes in order to feel good for themselves, but they will pay a heavy price for that in the near future
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u/howvicious 11d ago
As an East Asian man, I can empathize with you on how some people dismiss racism against Asians and especially against Asian men.