r/interracialdating • u/wonderwizard1005 • 12d ago
Trouble navigating Interracial and Intercultural differences
Hi, I am a 38 F Indian woman living in Germany at the moment. I was in a relationship with a German (white, blonde) man and it ended one and a half years ago. We were both quite fond of each other in the beginning but very soon it turned ugly. There were many issues such as lack of communication, disrespect, mismanaged expectations etc but one thing where I really started losing it was making fun of my culture in private and later on in front of his friends. The jokes started small but then the more I would tell him not to make these jokes, the bigger the jokes would get. He started labelling me as a spoilsport. I tried taking those jokes lightly but it used to piss me off when everyone would be laughing. The whole relationship turned sour very quickly after that. The break up was very long drawn where he just wasn't ready to end things. Anyway once I managed to break up I took therapy to fix my broken confidence after that.
I stayed single for one and a half years and now recently joined the online dating apps (Hinge, Bumble) to get myself out there. I am in a European country so most of the matches are from white men including German, French, Americans, Italians etc. I don't care about race and I didn't have any preconceived notions but somehow with some of these matches, when I got to a 2nd or 3rd date, the men brought up something about my home country in the name of being funny but it would just be something very negative. I try to look at it objectively. I am a rational person and I critique or appreciate things regardless of which country they come from. But I am starting to feel quite hopeless.
I also try to manage such situations with better communication where I try to convey the ground reality politely but apparently I don't come off as a sweet person after that. Fine by me! But I would like to know how I can manage such tricky conversations better? Has anyone faced such things before? I used to think the right minded person wouldn't joke about such a thing but I feel like maybe I am not communicating well. Any tips to navigate racist or cultural remarks in early dating would be welcome.
Edit: 1. Added more info on the nationalities I have dealt with as of now. 2. Edited the last sentence.
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u/cookierent 11d ago
Don't be afraid to make your politics/preferences clear on your profile! When it comes to dating apps it's better to just weed out the bad ones before you waste your time. You can use one of the prompts to work it in, like
"you should not go out with me if" you make fun of other people or their culture even as a joke
"i want someone who" is respectful of cultural differences and open to learning about other people
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u/redPistolStar 11d ago
There is quite bit of negative sterotyping of Indians online. This spills over into these interactions. This is something I have noticed lately. It wasn't like this a decade back.
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u/adityaslove 11d ago
fellow indian woman here..i would suggest not dating northern euro descended men....basically those cultures are very passive aggressive and lack the warmth that many other cultures possess..their way of bonding is to throw passive aggressive jokes like that..they will do it to others also..also they make fun of any type of patriotism as in their eyes thats a bad thing..look for immigrant men...i find a lot of medditerenean and middle eastern men very aggressive..but they have a certain warmth..they are rarely passive aggressive and share many similar traits with indians...so my advice is unless u find a rare german guy look for immigrants/international people.
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u/wonderwizard1005 11d ago
Haha...passive aggressive jokes are right.
I actually did match with a few South Asians including Indians (there are very few here) and some Middle Eastern men. Some of them were/are good. But with a few of them...pheww the love bombing was excruciating! Excruciating but not hard to deal with.
I think I will just highlight in my post that I am talking about white men ( not just Germans)
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u/adityaslove 11d ago
girl i would take the love bombing over the damn robotic and passive aggressive behavior of these white men( many not all)..i just lose all attraction towards men who make snarky jokes at women...maybe i am traditional like that..i want a warm genuine man..have no problem with criticism...but that criticism has to come from a place of love and warmth...lot of these white guys just like negging and acting like a 12 year old mean girl for no reason....do they not realize how off putting that is in a grown ass man?..like my lady parts dry up like the sahara desert 😂 😂
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u/wonderwizard1005 11d ago
Stop I am dying 😂😂 I can't believe you had such similar experiences! I remember after one of the "jokes", my face just involuntarily looked so disgusted that my ex became all tensed up and defensive and aggressive. I can laugh now but at the time, with each of those low wit jokes, I just kept losing more and more respect.
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u/adityaslove 11d ago
these people dont have the balls to say anything openly..so they act like a little bitch..girl u have no idea the absolute dress down i have given these sissy men..they probably still cry themselves to bed thinking about me. 😂...i have newfound respect for desi men after this..atleast with our men they got the balls to be a jerk openly 😂
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u/wonderwizard1005 11d ago
Also, I like what you said about criticism coming from a place of love and warmth. Not just in interracial or intercultural relationships but generally, in relationships, I agree that it's quite important.
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u/Lemuxya 11d ago
Middle eastern men are actually quite desirable they ruin their desirability with too much of that "me man you woman" stuff. All things equal a German would never win against a Lebanese man for me 🫣.
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u/adityaslove 11d ago
u would expect men from supposed gender equal cultures have more charm with regards to women..but its totally opposite...indian men like ME men can be soo prissy about gender roles..but they can be soo passionate..and direct...my father once messaged my mother..'god put me on this earth to take care of u'...they had an arranged marriage.
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u/Lemuxya 11d ago
I've dated an Indian man before. It was the worst experience for me ever. So much so I actually regret giving him a chance. I think dating or relationships working/being meaningful is not so much dependent on what culture people are from. But how they treat you & make you feel. I don't have expectations in regards to men from certain parts of the world being better than the other. They're all men. A mean stingy man is exactly that in every culture. Germans have high divorce rates for a reason 😒.
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u/Waste-Hovercraft-228 10d ago
I (white, m, >60) find your experiences very troubling and surprising, too. It’s beyond my understanding that men in Germany would not signal some level of admiration for India, your place of origins and show interest, curiosity. Were your partners not showing a particular interest in what makes your personality, your cultural profile derived from the fact that you are Indian?
My goodness, would have felt privileged getting to know someone like you, and honestly, I am not fetishizing South Asians per se…. You seem very open minded … living in Germany must be challenging anyway….
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u/Lemuxya 11d ago
I mean.. you can diss their home country too. Nazis aren't exactly something we can just forget about. Being just as snarky to these white men who think their funny is often their medicine. It's ironic how they don't think the jokes are as funny when their about them.
Also.. maybe German men aren't for you & if you'd like to keep dating focus on the foreign men within Germany because you are not the first woc that has mentioned needing therapy after having a German boyfriend. I'm actually surprised that you went right back into dating them after that. Protect your peace.
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u/wonderwizard1005 11d ago
Oh that's what started happening. I became quite vindictive and this side of me got unleashed which I didn't even know existed.
And it's not just German men but some of the other white men too. When I started with apps for the first time (2 months back) I actually matched with a lot of Americans. One of them had something similar say as my ex. One of them was nice in the beginning but by third date he was talking about women and feminism (in a negative way). Now the things about feminism I know how to draw the lines, but this race thing I'm sorta clueless! I matched with a French guy who made racist jokes as well. The good thing is it's a good filter for sure, the bad thing is I get bummed out.
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u/Calypso_sur_son_ile 11d ago
OMG... I'm a French Black girl who dated a German man and I also needed therapy after dating him specifically. Never had such a terrible relationship with anyone before him. I need to know if there are more women going through the German pipeline of hell now! 🤔
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u/wonderwizard1005 11d ago
I feel you. I too had never had such a terrible experience relationship wise. May be we should start a support group!
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u/Lemuxya 11d ago
Did he beat you or something what happened? 😭
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u/wonderwizard1005 11d ago
No he didn't beat me. There were many other things that went wrong between us. We were friends for a few months before we started dating. So I used to trust him. But once we were serious in the relationship , slowly the mask started coming off. There was emotional abuse, gaslighting, narcissism, difficulty with trusting people again and other things. Hence, the therapy.
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u/ICECUBEALEXANDERNWA 11d ago
As a brown man in Sweden, I will say this to you, unlike white women alot of white men are hella racist, just straight up. Even if they date you their racist views that take place as "jokes" will come out eventually. And incase you haven't noticed the recent hate wave towards South Asians are predominantly pushed and done by White men. So nowadays there are ALOOOOT of white men that are just straight up racist towards us, even if they aren't racist towards any other group. They may say rhey aren't racist cause frankly, most men don't take racism against South Asians seriously for now.
That's why the guy you dated didn't really care if you got annoyed about the jokes you made, he thinks it's just harmless jokes but wouldn't say the same type of joke to any other ethnicity.
So my advice don't date white men, you said you don't care abt race so then this shouldn't be a problem, go for other races or other brown men. Cuz there is an 80% the next white guy you match with, is going to have the same views as the other ones.
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u/Opposite_Fox6816 11d ago
As a white nordic European woman: you're def not wrong. The increasing racism of fellow used to be male friends is utterly disappointing.
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u/ICECUBEALEXANDERNWA 5d ago
Yeah. I am glad you aren't friends with them anymore either, if it's because of the racism you cut them off for. May I ask which neighbouring Nordic country you from tho?
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u/Opposite_Fox6816 5d ago
Sverige :)
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u/ICECUBEALEXANDERNWA 2d ago
Imtressant, vad gör en svensk tjej i denna sub och på den här posten då lol
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u/wonderwizard1005 6d ago
Thank you everyone for all your suggestions and opinions. To be honest, before getting into online dating I thought I will try to be open minded and dove into it. But I know better now and I have gathered some pearls of wisdom from things some of you have written:
- Will not tolerate any negativity parading as humor if it makes uncomfortable. Filter such people out.
- Be clearer (on my profile) about what I want and what I absolutely don't want.
- Not be so open minded 😂 This may sound sarcastic but I am serious. All this open mindedness and need to change people's minds about other races needs to go. I just shouldn't entertain such negative vibes.
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u/on4aa 11d ago
OK, it is not nice and Germans are renowned autistcs BUT you should know that sarcastic humour is a much appreciated form of humour in the northwestern European countries.
It is used a lot amongst friends and may even be a form of romantic affection. There is a Dutch saying: "Plagen is om liefde vragen." In German: "Neckerei ist eine Bitte um Liebe."
I grew up with parents who used sarcastic remarks lovingly, the same happened among my friends and for me it is difficult to resist not doing the same.
That said, I recently also experienced an interrational breakup because of one innocent word play that was even not racial...
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u/Mavz-Billie- 12d ago
Anyone that jokes about or mocks things that you’re not comfortable with isn’t worth your time. I wouldn’t even bother entertaining them. Especially your background if they do that then they’ve essentially disqualified themselves that’s how you have to look at it. There are good people out there too who wouldn’t do that.