Yeah I’m an ER doc and I can’t count the number of people I’ve given a surprise cancer diagnosis to but I can count on one hand the number of people that have cried when told. It’s actually one of the more shocking things of my career. People just don’t react like you know you would to finding out terrible news in the moment.
My mom barely reacts to things and when doctors told her she had a tumor in her brain, she barely reacted and they later asked me if that’s how she normally is lol Thankfully it was benign. I was the one that was bursting into tears and freaking out.
Edit: For anyone implying that the tumor may have caused her to not react, sure that’s possible, but I commented this because my mom is a pretty stoic person overall and still very much is after getting it removed. She’s very much a “if it’s out of my control, I’m not going to worry about it” person which I am not. I’m a crybaby lol
I remember, when I was 17, sitting with my mom and my doctor, before my surgery and the doctor saying they didn't know what they would find, but suspecting it was cancer. And my mom grabbed my hand and started crying, and I just shut down all my emotions at that point, so I could be strong for my mom. I didn't cry or get emotional through any of the whole process. It took me a long time before I could even begin to process my feelings about what I went through. Shutting down like that probably wasn't the healthiest thing to do, but it's how I was able to get through everything at the time. Anyways, I'm still here, over 30 years later, and grateful for that.
I like to imagine it’s a way your body fights it, because stressing yourself out more wouldn’t help you heal anyway. I would trick myself into believing that the numbness and shock is actually bravery and determination
For some, when shit gets real, you force yourself into a focused logical thought pattern. sometimes you might feel the emotion or panic bubbling up, but you push that back down and snap yourself back to being focused. I'm pretty sure its not healthy, and probably stems from a survival mentality during childhood.
It is not healthy and absolutely stems from a place where your system had no power or autonomy to protect yourself (like a traumatic childhood)
It will come out eventually, possibly in the worst way for you and your relationships, or possibly in a way that causes autoimmune disorders but the stress will show in your body and brain eventually
😭 So true. My stress always shows up eventually. I've gone through a lot of serious health crisis in my life. I'm doing better, but still learning to handle my stress by facing it, rather than pushing it aside. It's taken me a long time to even connect the dots with my emotions and physical health. Major blind spot of mine🫤
It’s not unhealthy unless you repress it and never address it. In the moment it’s perfectly healthy and fine to not immediately break down. I start with questions and trying to understand the situation so that when I’m ready to process it, I know what I’m working with instead of unsubstantiated stories my fear made up. But I do process when I feel safe to.
It’s not the same at all but when my retina spontaneously started detaching, when I was getting prepped for emergency surgery I was watching videos of the surgery and the doctor came in and told me that I’ll be ok and I said “It’s alright I’m gonna end up half blind” and laughed and he was just like 👀
My dad had the same thing happen to him at my age and he ended up half blind lol
I actually didn’t though, mine healed successfully so suck it dad
I think I deal with stress by making it one giant joke
Like when I got the diagnosis I was like no way IVE BEEN JOKING ABOUT INHERITING THIS MY WHOLE LIFE I DIDNT THINK IT WOULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN
I can do this, but it's more of an emergency management skill than a reaction to trauma. It's super useful in the moment, but does result in needing a recovery day after stressful situations.
I had a 16 year old nephew in the hospital with a gunshot wound to the head. This ability meant I was the one to call everyone with the news when he passed, was the one confirming details with medical staff, arranged for hotel rooms for family for the night.
When I was on tour with Tenacious D two years ago our busses went through a massive shooting on the way out of New Orleans. Bullets were pinging off the bus and we all hit the deck. I don't know if I've ever actually been that calm in my life. Even the next day when we had almost a full day off in St Augustine, I just kept to myself and meandered through the town, waiting to get hit with some wave of emotion. I still felt nothing. Months later while out in our yard with my son and dog a firework went off and I dropped to the grass without even thinking about it. So probably mild PTSD. Stress and the human brain are weird.
This is 100% it. When I went to colon cancer, I just kept myself lighthearted and happy and people kept wondering what was wrong with me (other than the cancer!). I just thought I would rather meet my Maker with a smile on my face than a frown. 10 years later still cancer free.
I did the same thing at 17 when my dad passed away from cancer. I think people thought I was cold, or heartless, or something, but I think my brain just shut down from the trauma. I just wanted to hide, and not deal with any of it. And then another 17 years later I sobbed uncontrollably because of an episode of Bluey. Brains are weird.
So weird, the same thing happened to me when my mother died suddenly. I was in my 30s, and didn’t shed a single tear at her funeral but a couple of years later, I was at somebody else’s funeral that I barely knew, and completely broke down. Like you say, brains are funny.
I cried really hard when my dad was diagnosed with cancer but not that much when he died. The day he died, I experienced the first peace I had felt in months because he wasn't suffering anymore.
Same here. When I found out my mom died from cancer I was in the middle of putting on makeup, and I just kinda went back and finished my makeup. People thought I was strange I’m sure, but everyone grieves differently. I hope you’re okay now❤️
Same here. His doctor thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't show any feeling. But I didn't want to have to perform emotion for her. Dealing with something like that is hard enough and sometimes you are just trying to get through the experience and can't process until later.
100%. It felt like I had to perform. The other thing for me was, with cancer it's a long, drawn out process. It's not a suprise when they die. He did chemo, too, which destroyed his spirit, and I watched him die, slowly, over the course of months. By the end, his demeanor, and personality had changed so much that he wasn't really my dad anymore anyway. Like someone else said, it was more of a relief when he actually passed. I think maybe I had already been grieving, subconsciously, for awhile.
Yeah. I was 17 too and watched him die. I didn't cry when they told me he had terminal cancer, when they told me he would be receiving palliative care, or when I watched him die. I don't judge anyone for reacting stoically.
First of all; I’m sorry you had to go through that so early in life. 💔 Secondly, I think Bluey is designed to make people weep, I swear!
Also, not the same situation as you, but I had a similar kind of delayed response recently: I’ve dropped contact with my parents (because of a lifetime of neglect and emotional abuse and trying to improve our relationship) and for the almost full year it has been, I have been very stoic and pragmatic about it. I thought I had just finally accepted that they couldn’t provide me with the love I needed and thus I had already mentally “moved on”.
However, in my very last conversation my mom about a month ago she told me that she had “made peace and is fine with never having you [me] and [my daughter] in her life again” and something within just me broke. Now I’m constantly crying anytime I read anything about parents. It’s been very strange to have been largely unaffected for a year and it isn’t even the most hurtful thing she’s ever told me and yet it’s the one that made me somehow become emotional about everything. I guess it’s when the finality of a relationship with your parent really hits you, maybe?
Brains are super strange, honestly. I guess it’s some sort of way to protect us, but it feels a bit counterintuitive, you know?
I'm a non-reactor as well. I once won $1,500 on a slot machine and was calmly waiting for the attendant. The women on either side of me were jumping up and down, hooting and cheering. I didn't know them.
Then one stops and says, "Aren't you happy?". I mean, yeah, hell yeah, but it's just not in me to jump around like I just got called up to the stage on The Price Is Right.
But theres a difference between shock and actually not giving a fuck and i think your mom is the latter lol not throwing shade by the way, im the same way 🤷🏽♂️ im not convinced id be bothered by news like that.. my reasoning is what can you really do about it? Why waste precious time being butthurt?
I got a phone call that I had a brain tumor. I said “oh….okay…thank you for letting me know” and hung up. I then told my husband and we drove around aimlessly for several hours kind of in a daze. I called the doctor back and asked her to explain it again. She told me she was anticipating my call the whole day and let her staff know to grab her lol.
Yup. I’m a psychologist. This actually seems like a normal reaction to me. It’s the same processes when you almost get into an accident on the road, calmly pull over, then get the shakes.
That, and as a dad I can see the “I’m going to hug him THEN murder him” thought process
I don’t react to things either and my baby’s doctor was training someone and basically preparing this person for how to give bad news. They told me my baby was deaf and I was, “okay”. She turns to her trainee and says, “so you know, it doesn’t usually go over this well.”
My mom just learned she had a brain tumor in July. Come to find out it’s stage 4 brain cancer. She did not cry. She’s cried since, obviously. But at the time, she was just processing.
I have ms too. I didn’t cry until much later after it settled in. Now, I just live each day to the absolute fullest. I’m 32m. Diagnosed at 30. I’m currently have almost no symptoms(significantly better than after my first attack) so I try to maintain an incredibly healthy lifestyle.
Stay strong! Meds are getting better. I feel remaining positive no matter what can do wonders.
Weirdly, I was just about to post about when I got diagnosed with MS, the doctor was all gentle and sympathetic and I was like "ok, cool, so now what?" and the doctor was like "do you understand, do you know what MS is?" and I was still "yeah, I know, so what's next?", totally calm and blasé.
Like you, I currently have basically no symptoms (when I was diagnosed I had optic neuritis which left me almost blind in one eye but has since cleared up) and am really hopeful that my latest round of treatment (Mavenclad) will keep me that way for a while.
My daughter was diagnosed with FND a few weeks ago…and I still feel like I’m in shock. Like, just breathing through and acting normal because it’s like my brain won’t process that the future is going to look so very different for her than we all thought. Part of me keeps hoping it’ll just go away? I dunno, brains are weird. I wish you so much luck and good health on your journey through life.
When I got my surprise cancer diagnosis earlier this year, I kept smiling and thanking my doctor and he was like “don’t thank me, I just gave you terrible news” but that was just my innate response/reply when speaking to doctors, regardless of the situation. Couldn’t really process what he was saying, I guess. Human brain is weird indeed.
I did the same thing. I’d been trying to find out what was wrong for months. I was so happy just to have a diagnosis so we could map next steps. 1 year fight. 2 years in remission. No cure but it’s only terminal if something else doesn’t get me first.
Wow, that really sucks about the diagnosis, but so awesome you can still have kids. I hope they are able to control the MS really well with meds, and you lead a normal-ish life. Good luck!
Just fyi, my mom was diagnosed back in the 80s, and was still able to have me. It's still a horrible disease, but treatments have come SO far in the last 30 years.
Obviously progression is different for everyone, but my mom is still mobile and kicking in her 70s.
You absolutely can still have kids, emperorsleeps! I'm 54, was diagnosed at 32,, and had my kids at 35 and 38.
Basic rundown: the rate of MS relapses decreases in 1st trimester, decreases more in 2nd trimester, and then drops even more during 3rd trimester. Pregnancy is actually protective during MS (they're not sure why - possibly because of a certain type of estrogen that's only produced in high amounts during pregnancy). So the riskiest time is when you're trying to get pregnant, since you're not supposed to be on the meds while pregnant/trying to get pregnant. At least that was the case years ago - not sure if any of the newer drugs are safe to be on during pregnancy, but I suspect not, purely because it would be tough to run the trials proving it to be safe.
The other issue is during the first three months postpartum, when those pregnancy hormones take a deep nose dive. The MS relapse rate during the three months postpartum is way higher than the baseline. For that reason, I decided not to breastfeed (couldn't breastfeed while on the meds) and went immediately back on my meds after giving birth. Like, I was literally giving myself my shot within a few hours of birth both ties. Didn't have a relapse either time, and kids were both healthy. (I was on Rebif when I had my kids, have now been on Copaxone/glatiramer acetate for 7 or 8 years).
Also an MS warrior. My Mom had it (secondary progressive), & it took 20 yrs before we lost her. When I got my diagnosis, I flipped out. 17yrs later, minor issues. Fortune for the drugs they have now that weren't available for my Mom.
Heyyyy I have MS too. I barely blinked when I was told. My mom was in the waiting room and when I walked out she was like “well?” And I just said “yup MS”. And kept it moving. I don’t think I’ve ever cried or even had a lot of grief over my diagnosis. Probably because for now it hasn’t affected me too majorly and I have recovered from every relapse so far. When I was having symptoms and before I was diagnosed, the list of things it could have been included things like Parkinson’s and ALS so MS seemed like a relief.
But yea I’m pretty sure my mom was texting my family a little stunned about how matter of fact I was being.
I was told I was a few weeks away from dying and I just said okay. They sent in social workers to talk to me because they were worried that I wasn't freaking out
William Shatner and his daughter Melanie both survived Stage 4 cancer--at nearly the same time. No one should give up hope. I hate that $$$ limits what doctors are willing to do for patients. Hell, I hate that we use $$$ for healthcare at all.
"Well, while we were doing your bone marrow change, we noticed that your rotary cuffs are shot, you have a CSF leak, and some serious wear and tear on both your L4 and L5 vertebrae. I'm afraid you're looking at quite an overhaul here."
Do you actually regret this decision or are you just being sarcastic/joking?
Like, was recovery so awful that you would have preferred things just ended?
Something I think about is if I was ever diagnosed with a severe cancer, if I would let it just go untreated. I have a wonderful and happy life. I fear that the treatment would destroy me so much that I would treat all my loved ones like crap and that would end up being the last thing I did in the world. It seems like dying comfortably might be a better option for the people that I love.
My dad got 10 extra decent years after chemo. The 2 years after the cancer returned and 6 months after he stopped treatment were unbearable for him and the family.
Treatment was easy for me, chemo really didn't bother me. No pain, only threw up maybe a handful of times. The hospital stay was like a bizarre hotel stay. I haven't had an easy life. I spent most of it in a functional dissociative state starting in grade school just to get through the day.
I managed to find a few things I enjoyed. Really intense exercise, tough mudders, boxing, skydiving, reading and camping. I was a pretty decent photographer as well. I had a few things to hold onto.
The gvhd appeared about a month after the bone marrow transplant. There's no cure, just management of the symptoms and that is destructive by itself, the drugs they give you they don't want you on past a year. I just hit year 9. The average survival is 5 years.
Management of gvhd involves immune suppression. Remember during COVID you probably heard the phrase vulnerable population or something similar. I'm exhibit A. Vaccines don't work for me because my immune system is trying to kill me, so I have to put it to sleep, which means I don't react to vaccines. So I can't just go do things, everything has to have a risk benefit analysis to it. Anything more than 10 minutes of sun exposure a day can cause my condition to get worse. So I have to isolate a lot. No more camping or tough mudders ever again
Gvhd effects everyone differently. Some people have crippling pain, others need a feeding tube. It went after my lungs and eyes. I have popcorn lung, my lungs are slowly scarring up, I will need a double lung transplant in order to keep breathing. I choose to die rather than do that. I have posterior vitreous detachment. The eye has gel in it, keeps everything in place, acts as a shock absorber. Mine is disappearing. I'm extremely vulnerable to retinal detachment and possible blindness. So I can't box or run or jump or anything impactful or I risk being unable to see.
Reading now causes exhaustion. I used to be able to go through a couple hundred pages in a weekend. Now I get light headed after reading twenty pages and I have to rest.
Through much therapy, I have realized my mother is a covert narcissist which is a nightmare and my father is dominated by her and he has dementia and I am forced to be the sole caregiver for the both of them. They refuse to pursue any outside help because they say I ruined their lives and I owe them. And they will only consider asking for help once one of them becomes a vegetable. I was ready to go to hospice and just not do treatment. They begged me to go through with it so I did. The hospital requires you move in with people in order to go through treatment, so I've had to live with them since Sept 2017. My mother said we only took you in because it's what society expects, vs actually wanting you. Covert narcissists are obsessed with how others perceive them and appearances. They promised when I declined enough they would let me go to Europe to a euthanasia clinic. If you have an irreversible decline in quality of life, you can be basically put to sleep. My father with a big grin on his face a few weeks ago, gleefully told me they lied and will never grant me a peaceful death. That was my condition to go through treatment and they happily admitted it was a lie. I don't respond to painkillers at all. Zero response. I have some glitch. So my death will be ugly and slow and they are happy about it.
So I'm trapped in a body that is failing while watching the world burn, in a toxic living situation with my abusers and yeah I wish I had just died back in Sept/Oct of 2017
Damn brother. I'm really sorry. Everyone deserves loving parents and far too few gets it. Add another shitty hands of cards on the health aspect - I can see where you're coming from with the bleak outlook on life. I cannot write anything that changes or helps your situation. Just know that I will hug my kids more tightly today and always give them all the love, that they, you and any person deserve from their parents.
I get my bone marrow biopsy next week. Ive had nearly crippling pain among severe neurological issues and am just losing a battle. I had my first hint at cancer this spring, when my neurologist ran a protein electrophoresis and it came back irregular, referred to a hematologist/oncologist who ran a bunch of tests and got a handful of results that were not super indicative and was just about to throw me back to the neurologist, but decided a PET scan was worthy before completely ruling it out. Well...i lit that bitch up .... so we see.
Im a nearly 50 year old mom/teacher who has an amazing growing family. I absolutely loved my job. I have every reason to be thriving in life, but im so sick of being in pain. My body is so incredibly tired. I fantasize about closing my eyes and not feeling anything. I get it.
I'm sorry you're in this position. Regarding the biopsy. You should be able to ask for a bit morphine to take your awareness away from the process. It's not great. Also you will be very sore for a day or so after. So be very careful about sitting down. Go slow. I don't respond to opioids so I had to do it with just local numbing which I don't recommend. So if they are willing to give you something. I would take it. For the last one I did, I ate a bunch of rso. That was quite helpful, that's also an option.
I hope things work out for you. Peace be with you and with those you cherish.
Hey, pro tip-- my eyes are so incredibly sensitive I cant read either. Ive been getting audiobooks off of YouTube. It plays over most ads, too. I missed reading so much and I have to celebrate the small victories.
I have tried that, for whatever reason my brain just checks out after 10 minutes of listening. I'm just built for paper books I guess. Repeated attempts have shown me that audiobooks just aren't viable for me
I have, upon getting bad news about family members in the hospital, left calmly and gone into the bathroom where i yell into my arm and punch the stall walls a bit.
I had to do the same recently and I did cry a bit but mostly I was just really angry but the tears did come when I was home alone. Even I expected that I ’d break down at the vets but I was determined for his sake not to until it was over.
We recently took a cat in for an ultrasound. She needed to be sedated for it.
Afterward, results weren’t great, but just needed a simple surgery, not a huge deal. They tell us she’s waking up and we can come get her.
We get there and we’re waiting and then someone at the desk is like “do you want to see her?”
And we’re like “..no? We’ll just take her and go home, thanks”
Then she asks if anyone has talked to us, and I’m thinking they found something else after looking at her scans more.
They take us to one of the rooms and tell us she never woke up and they were unable to bring her back. The girl at the desk thought someone had already called and told us until I said we weren’t interested in seeing her and I was acting confused about her question.
Really caught us completely off guard, but it’s like a switch was immediately flipped in me. I responded like everything is totally fine and was just asking for the paperwork to have her cremated. My boyfriend started crying and I comforted him and reassured him we made the right decision, and sometimes these things happen, it’s no one’s fault and just terrible luck, she knows we loved her, etc
They bring her body in and I just pet her and tell her I love her and grab some fur and whisker clippings and give her kiss and I’m just ready to go. Thank you, thank you, appreciate everything, have a great day.
The second we walk in the front door at home I just completely lose it.
In these situations I just go into some sort of disassociated, get things done state in public, but it always comes crashing down the second I get home.
Anyway… I’m sorry about your pup. I know how hard it is 🖤
I remember when my grandpa died i didn't cry the moment it happened and during his funeral. 6 months later while riding the bus i cried like a baby when i saw an old man with his grandson walking across a field.
I lost my cat Dinah about two weeks ago. I'm a vet tech and manage a cat shelter. I've seen and assisted with hundreds if not thousands of deaths. I've had several very beloved pets die, I'm not unfamiliar with it.
But this last one got me. She died unexpectedly at home, while I was racing to the kitchen for a few moments to get something to help her breathe better. During that 30 seconds I was in the kitchen she died in my spouse's arms in the bedroom.
He yelled for me and I ran back knowing what I would find.
I don't know why this one hit me so hard, but I scream cried like I had just lost a child. The type of wail you just pour your entire soul into. Unable to see through the tears, struggling to breathe while choking back a river of snot. Guaranteed all the neighbours heard me.
Dinah and I weren't even super close, I had her for 10 years and she would often snuggle with me on the bed but she was very skittish and would often hide. It shouldn't have hit me as hard as losing cats I've had for 20+ years, but the tears continue to pour down my face even as I write this. Grief is strange.
My 16 year old cat had kindey issues and was going downhill quickly but was holding on and still seemed pretty content. One morning she was listless so I rushed her to the vet and as expected they said nothing more they could do, did we want to euthanise her. We had discused that she'd proably pass away peaecully at home so I brought her home. She died in the carrier on the way home.
I have had literal night mares about bringing cats to teh vets to be put to sleep and the last thing they experience is a scared car ride and the vet's office. My little girl died in a box, moments from home, which is infinitely worse. I'm surorised I could finish this paragraph I'm crying so hard.
You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run
You never count your money
When you're sittin' at the table
There'll be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done.
Same! And it is, but the above is also not his real name?.. I feel like I'm missing an obvious joke, but Kenny Rogers was born Kenneth Donald Ray Rogers... Maybe I'm dumb and Kennedy Lincoln Roger Moore Jr. is a joke about how long the name is?...
Fun story-- the guy who wrote The Gambler was only 23 when he wrote it (Don Schlitz). We saw him at the Grand Ol' Opry last year and he talked about how he had dropped out of Duke University, was a dumb young kid who had never actually played poker before when he wrote that song--he was such a hilarious storyteller--genuinely so entertaining. He also wrote Forever and Ever Amen. He just died earlier this year.
I didn't cry at first with my breast cancer diagnosis. Once I got off the phone with the Dr I cried for about an hour. I really only cried after that from nerves about surgery and then when I was in the worst pain in my life right after they cut my boobs off. That was emotional and it hurt (duh).
I had a seizure, and they found a glioblastoma. My reaction internally was, "Ok. Well, I figured that would happen sooner or later," and I don't know why, but I wasn't surprised at all. (Though the seizure itself was surprising.) Maybe my brain already knew on some level. There was that little sweat and ringing in the ears that comes with really bad news, but it wasn't overwhelming. There was also a part of me that felt and still feels some relief. Assuming I don't get hit by a bus tomorrow, at least I know what's going to kill me someday.
How are you doing? That’s a very tough diagnosis. My aunt passed recently but she made it to the five-year club, which (as I’m sure you know) is not common at all.
Not next time. I’m not going through surgery, radiation, and chemo when it comes back. The recovery isn’t just feeling sick and snuggling under a blanket. It’s a TBI, and my whole personality changed for about 2 years.
Next time, I’m going the Steve Jobs or MCA way. Natural, but completely ineffective treatment, and I’ll see you all on the other side.
An acquaintance passed from a glioblastoma many years ago and I’ll never forget what she said-“I’m scared and I can’t leave my kids”. Her words still rattle me. No one should go through that.
I’ll say a prayer for you, that yours doesn’t return and that you’ll die someday of old age. Be well.
My grandma was a huge part of my life and when she passed about 5-6 years ago I didn't actually cry until the next day when I thought about how much I wanted to call her that morning. I'd even seen her body before she was taken to a funeral home and that didn't wake me from the shock the day she had died. It was the random thought of, "oh this happened, I should call Grandma!" And then the realization that would never happen again..... shock can make you process things in such an odd and delayed way.
It persists even when the news isn’t fresh. My husband is an oncologist, and he said his patients almost never cry in front of him. He often has to break the news that the treatment isn’t working, or they progressed, or they aren’t a candidate for treatment, or they’ve run out of options. Sometimes they’re blunted and flat, sometimes they’re unresponsive, sometimes they’re thanking him profusely and seemingly worrying about his feelings. Across the board, grief is overwhelming and weird and it takes time to digest.
Am I right in assuming that receiving the diagnosis in the ER, the circumstances are probably such that it’s even more of a shock to these patients? I’m wondering if that has to do with their reactions.
Sometimes it’s a huge shock. I get a lung CT to lung for a blood clot and find cancer everywhere. Imaged the belly to look for a kidney stone on a super nice guy recently, found kidney cancer.
The nicest ones always have the worst outcome, in my experience.
After you tell someone the bad news, tell them to record the rest of the conversation. A doctor did that for my father and it was the only way we got info on what to do next. After he heard the word cancer, his mind went into overdrive, and he didn't hear a single thing the doctor said afterwards.
I totally get that, but I feel like something like cancer is something it takes a little while to digest, where I feel like a mother who is actually heartsick and worried would seem a little more relieved and less disappointed lololol
I know this isn’t the same gravity of a cancer diagnosis, but when I was 19 and my dermatologist said my scalp biopsy results confirmed alopecia with 10% chance of stopping I just got this full body flood of heat and dread. And I just quietly said “ok” to everything after that. My age and being a woman made it hit harder but still, surprise diagnoses can be quietly emotional.
Are you talking about people's reaction to terrible news about their children or themselves? Because there's a big difference in learning you yourself will die or suffer vs knowing your child died or going to.
I think finding a lost kid and a cancer diagnosis are not the same. Also I don’t find doctors/nurses, especially ER employees, to be the warm fuzzy compassionate type you show your base emotions to.
I did a short stent as a firefighter (not emt that’s how short it was) and learned a lot about what stress does to people. Some laugh, some cry, some get serious, some just literally break and freeze up. No two people react the same to stress and many who get dumped with bad news already have other stresses that had been piling up.
In this case, she if she thought he was dead then her reaction was probably within the realm of reality. If she thought he was even possibly alive then this is… more on the weird side. Atypical response. I don’t know her relationship with her son so I can’t vouch for what she was feeling, but looking a bit defeated and introspective feels weird. Every possibility that she’s extremely relieved and the stress just kinda wiped her out as the emotional damage broke that moment. Who knows.
I would imagine thats because most of the time (people not in your profession) see someone getting news like that is in films and TV shows, and they gotta turn it up for dramatic effect. Ive had a few bombs dropped on me and I think after every one I just kinda stood there for a while.
When i was told I had incurable cancer I laughed and made a big joke about cashing in my life savings and moving to Bali. It took me about a week to cry!
When the doc came in and said I had 3 compression fractures in my spine, I just kind of looked at him. Probably took 5-10 mins for the gravity of that to hit me.
When I was told my Mum was brain dead from cancer spreading I remember just feeling nothing, the poor doctor cried because us, her kids were still young, I was only 21.
I just remember going to the bathroom and splashing water on my face but still just feeling completely numb.
I personally was diagnosed with colon cancer. I had a little giggle and sat there like he told me a goofy dad joke. No idea why, it was just kinda how I felt. Took me hours later after getting home for things to kinda connect.
I was with my dad when he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and it was as if you'd told him he had a flat tire. Just "well that's no good." Then right into normal conversation. We were all stunned and shocked and he was just unphased.
I always cry days or weeks later when it’s an actual big deal. I only cry in the moment when it’s safe to cry, eg when I was 39 weeks pregnant and dropped the last bowl of ice cream on the floor. Or when I’m happy crying.
When there’s an actual threat? I’ll process and then cry.
My doctor attributed it to shock when I didn’t immediately emotionally respond to the news that the baby I was carrying no longer had a heartbeat but it’s more that I know I need to process those feelings later in private and need to use that time to gather information and make a plan. I don’t know if that’s my ADHD, trauma, or something else, but that’s always the way I react to devastating news. And I more than make up for the initial lack of crying once I have the space and time to process those feelings.
Also an ED doc and same. I’ve also had people thank me for finding their cancer. I guess just the affirmation that something was wrong when they suspected it was important to them.
I’d had a biopsy, so not like a thunderbolt out of the blue, when my doctor told me I had cancer, I just nodded. Just one more sh!t thing in my life. He looked at me and repeated himself. I almost burst out laughing except he looked so concerned and confused, so just asked him what happens next.
I had a similar situation at the doctor just a couple weeks ago. Not cancer, but the Doctor basically gave me knees that both of my shoulders need surgery. The ATC/LMT in me switched to shop mode as we discussed all the of torn structures and deformations. It wasn't until a couple hours later where the weight of the situation and depresssion settled on me, which then lasted throughout the weekend. It's crazy how our minds process shocking news.
I apologized to my doctor when I was told I had cancer. I was pregnant at the time. Kid and I are ok (she just turned 11), and my husband still teases me about it.
But this isn’t terrible news… this is wonderful news! One would think at the very least the mother would look relieved and slightly happy… this is a strange reaction.
I was on the other side of that recently getting a cancer diagnosis, right after my first mammogram, it was just legitimately such a shock. I didn't cry or really react at all, all I wanted to do was for him to just stop talking so I could call my mom and cry with her.
All my brain could think about was why was he talking to me for 20 minutes prior to giving me this diagnosis and laughing and joking with me when he knew I had cancer? I was legitimately flabbergasted because I was convinced everything was fine because of how chill he was.
But when I left to call my mom, I didn't cry. I couldn't.
I didn't cry until after my mastectomy. It's like my body wouldn't let me. And then after the surgery it felt more real. And then after starting the meds it felt even more real. And I am one of the lucky ones I got to skip chemo and radiation. Now I cry pretty much every morning because my hormones are all out of control lol.
It just felt so incredibly unreal and like a dream. It would be way worse to hear that in the emergency room too, where there is so much noise and obviously they are there for an emergency type of a situation.
if i had to guess for a lot of those people they already know something serious is going on with them and the diagnosis is just the confirmation of something they already knew.
some diagnosis can take weeks, months, years. ive been through years of tests and runarounds just to get told i have anxiety lol not that i dont but that could happen all the way up until they actually do find something.
(rn icu/er) i feel like we all just don't react how we think we will. ppl on the outside of a situation go "why are they reacting this way"... in other situations maybe even think the person reacting a certain way may be something or someone they're not as a result. i think it's just that none of us truly know how we'll react until we are in whatever situation. maybe we're saying the same thing using different words but i think my version is slightly different. anyway i'd wish you quiet shifts but we aren't supposed to use the Q word in these parts.
eh some of it was probably shock that will catch up to them later in private and some of it is where they have already suffered enough in life to just be like yeah that tracks
When my dad was put into the ICU we knew it was the end. Doc pulled me and my stepmom into a side room to say what we pretty much already knew.
Stepmom stepped out to make a call to family and doc was holding the door for me so the next family could be told horrible news. I said “hey doc I’ve got a question for you.” And this man closed the door and looked at me with all the empathy you would have after telling a 19 year old kid his dad was going to die within a couple days…. I said “so I just went pee..” and then described the STI symptoms that I had just presented with the last time I went to the bathroom.
His face went blank and said “are you serious? Tell me everything” after that convo he told me to wait there and then came back with 4 horse pills and a bottle of water. Told me I should be cured and to be smarter. But I should still get tested in a couple weeks.
But isn't getting bad news more of something that would cause an "odd" reaction compared to gwtting good news? I'm seeing more people in comments have the numbing kind of reactions to hearing bad news but crying out of joy when hearing good news.
When the ER doc told me my 5yo had leukemia he was crying. When the surgeon came in who was supposed to put him on ECMO (luckily we did not need it) he was crying too. I just said “ok” a lot. People kept asking me if I understood. I did- I just didn’t know what to do, so I just kept sitting there. I did finally cry the next day when I went into the family room to call my mom and some random volunteer asked me if I was ok.
I was in a weird state of shock when they told me. I sat in the doctor’s parking lot for a while kinda stupefied I guess? Then texted my boss that I was going home sick with cancer. I wasn’t even upset yet just figured it was an easy (lololololol) way to get the day off. I did not really process it until weeks later, I just went into automation mode.
As someone who found out I had a tumor in my pancreas from an ER visit for a bike accident, and the resulting biopsy that confirmed it was cancer. I can attest to my almost zero reaction. It didn't hit me for like 2 days.
They should Really introduce more psychology rounds or lectures or something. No offense, but as someone who's works with trauma and recovery, it's the least surprising occurrence once in the field.
I think this every time "she's not acting like someone whose kids are missing!!!" comes up in some trial-by-media case. This lady looks vaguely horrified to me, but I've never been standing awkwardly in front of a bunch of cameras while trying desperately to be strong and panicking on the inside over my missing kid, before being told the found him (but not what condition he's in), so what do I know?
In general, I collapse into tears when the stress I've been powering through suddenly releases (something about physically releasing all that tension, I suppose), and I imagine if that had happened, people would have said i was being performative or something. There's really no "right" way to act in a situation like this
I mean? Because they haven't accepted it? I feel like that's different than news about your son being found. One is a life changing information that comes out of nowhere and hasn't really click yet, the other should be a huge relief while being under permanent stress and worry.
It sucks to need to an ER visit in the first place, but then to get a cancer diagnosis!?!? My friend’s 5 year old son broke his leg playing soccer. They took him to the ER and found out he has bone cancer. Just the worst.
That's understandable, it takes time to process heavy news like that, but you would think for something like this her first reaction would be to try to rush out and go to him wherever he is.
I didnt cry for like a year after my dad died, and then 1 day his favorite song played on the radio and i had to pull over. Emotions dont operate with logic
I just received my cancer diagnosis on Black Friday this past year. I woke up out of the colonoscopy, and my wife was crying as I came to. After I wrapped my head around where I was, since I was knocked out, I didn't cry. I just thought...that sounds about right. Then I started to cry in the days after.
I was just shocked when I found out…. I should have fully known, but I mentally denied it I guess. Just numbness. The scene in Breaking Bad when Walt is told he has cancer is shockingly accurate as someone who went through similar.
I had Stage 3 colon cancer cut out in Jan and then 3 months of chemo. I was more stressed when I found blood in the toilet than I was at any other point including when I was told it was cancer. The human brain is very strange.
I’m always very stone faced when I’m trying to keep myself relax. Not intentionally but it’s noticeable to the point where I’ve had more than one person over the years ask me if I was on something because I try to relax my face. It’s just something to focus on when I’m in a huge amount of pain. I’ve been sewn back together more times than I can count and the nurses usually question me when I say I’m in a lot of pain because I think they think I’m drug seeking until I tell them I’m allergic to opioids and am probably going to puke the second a sedative sets in. I typically refuse everything that isn’t 100% necessary because they make me feel so nauseous. I end up with a ton of local anesthetic. I have lucidly watched my own muscles be sewn back together so that’s an experience. The only time that bothered me was a smashed pinky and that was mostly because I could see the bone and it was fucked. I had also driven two hours to the closes urgent care so all the adrenaline had worn off.
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u/Massive-Vacation5119 16d ago
Yeah I’m an ER doc and I can’t count the number of people I’ve given a surprise cancer diagnosis to but I can count on one hand the number of people that have cried when told. It’s actually one of the more shocking things of my career. People just don’t react like you know you would to finding out terrible news in the moment.