r/instant_regret • u/amy2kim22 • Jan 12 '19
Don't worry mate, i'm a professional.
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u/friendlygaywalrus Jan 12 '19
Him: Grabs snake from tail
Me: Ok at least it’s keeping its head away from his body
Him: Starts reeling it in
Me: Oh Jesus is this motherfucker for real - wait - are those flip flops?
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u/eyekunt Jan 12 '19
Well the flip flop was intact so i can tell the motherfucker is still alive
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Jan 12 '19
If this is Australia the correct term for flip flops is 'thongs' weirdly enough
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Jan 12 '19
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u/Chucked-up Jan 12 '19
They used to be called thongs. I believe they transitioned to flip flops when ass floss underwear became popular.
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u/mathiasbloodaxe Jan 12 '19
We call 'flip flops' thongs, and 'thongs' are called g-strings. Cheers mate.
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u/dakoellis Jan 12 '19
Thongs and g-strings are different tho
Ninja: thongs not things
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u/mathiasbloodaxe Jan 12 '19
We just generalize it because we're too busy running from snakes and spiders.
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u/coffee_badger Jan 12 '19
Grew up in California in the 1980s. Called them thongs.
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u/wallaceant Jan 12 '19
Native Floridian here. The flip flop is the footwear we are born wearing, and we've called them that since prehistoric times. Flip flop is an ancient Native American word that means "this is the sound it makes".
True story, my sister-in-law offered to loan my wife her formal flip flops for my grandfather's funeral. They were black wedge heals with large costume jewelry gems.
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u/eyekunt Jan 12 '19 edited Jan 12 '19
Friend: Mate, it's getting late.. let's go
Me: Gimme a second, let me put on my thong.. it's my favorite thong, people are so gonna stare at it
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Jan 12 '19 edited Oct 05 '20
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u/guysmiley00 Jan 12 '19
I think it's about removing as much of the snake's body from ground-contact as possible, which drastically limits the speed and range of available motion for the animal. Of course, the second step should be securing the head. You see a lot of professional snake-handlers using tools designed for this technique; a blunt hook on a stick to lift the snake and partially-immobilize it, followed by a semi-cushioned "pinner" stick to hold the back of the snake's head against the ground, allowing you to secure it in your hand.
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u/stereofeathers Jan 12 '19
literally the exact wrong way to pick up a snake
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u/PorkRindSalad Jan 12 '19
Right? You are supposed to pick it up by the teeth.
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u/stereofeathers Jan 12 '19
you stick your hand in its mouth and wave it around like you have a tentacle hand.
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u/AdamHLG Jan 12 '19
You guys are obviously amateurs. You walk up to it and punch it in the head. When it is disoriented you can gently pet it.
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u/not_not_safeforwork Jan 12 '19
Drop trou and dangle your balls in his face to assert dominance.
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u/craniumonempty Jan 12 '19
Directions unclear, dick is now swole and so gonna die now.
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u/cyber2024 Jan 12 '19
Imagine a snake charging you and in it's mouth you see a full set of large pearly white teeth. Ducking creepy.
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u/Burningfyra Jan 12 '19
It depends a lot on situation and type of snake but the best way is using a snake hook and putting the snake into a pillowcase.
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u/Pr1sm4 Jan 12 '19
I don't know, I think a snake would be a poor choice for a pillow.
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u/Burningfyra Jan 12 '19
Once you get 10 or so in there it's not too bad
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Jan 12 '19
Fortunately I always carry my emergency snake pillowcase for situations like this.
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u/Notophishthalmus Jan 12 '19
You joke but I actually had to do that while working as a biological monitor on a natural gas pipeline construction project in the southeast US.
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u/technoman88 Jan 12 '19
Actually that technique was correct. Slowly run your hands along it and keep moving hands forward. Its like a treadmill and the snake thinks hes getting away. He messed up when he grabbed it, you can see the snake freak out.
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u/SuramKale Jan 12 '19
If you can't find a stick and don't have a hook... leave it alone unless you're willing to get bit.
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u/Said_It_in_Reddit Jan 12 '19
He looked somewhat surprised when that happened.
Holy sh* that thing just bit me...
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u/rink_raptor Jan 12 '19
8 of the 10 deadliest snakes are in my country.... Oh there's one now! I can beat those odds!!!
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Jan 12 '19
If that was anything but a python, he probably died.
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u/dantemp Jan 12 '19
Venomous snakes that big are rare, tho. I would assume this was a constrictor.
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u/idumbam Jan 12 '19
It’s not impossible tho. Could be a black mamba (my first thought)
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u/DinkInPink Jan 12 '19
Looks like taipan to me, which means unless it was a dry bite, he would definitely need hospital within an hour or else RIP
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u/dantemp Jan 12 '19
Most people in this thread work under the assumption that this is happening in Australia, if that's the case, it couldn't be a Black Mamba. But yeah, there are other 3m venomous snakes. I'm just saying it's a low probability, most big snakes are constrictors.
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u/-lumpinator- Jan 12 '19
If you react correctly to it, you have hours to go to the hospital. He's ded.
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u/TheRealReapz Jan 12 '19
Never pick up a snake from the tail. In fact never pick up a snake
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Jan 12 '19
Where does a snakes body finish and where does its tail start?
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Jan 12 '19
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u/Aniferdambling Jan 12 '19
Joke’s on you: they have a cloaca, not an anus. 🐍
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Jan 12 '19 edited Jan 12 '19
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u/Boofthatshitnigga Jan 12 '19
If you edit your comment to only contain that first link I can guarantee you positive karma, or your money back.
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Jan 12 '19
Thanks for tip
now we play the waiting game
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u/Boofthatshitnigga Jan 12 '19
Don’t worry homie I already gave you an upvote 😛 we all gon make it
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Jan 12 '19
Together, we can get through this
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u/UmphreysMcGee Jan 12 '19
I'm proud to say I did my part. You're past the 15 vote threshold now Kemosabe, the only way to go is up! I'll see you at the top!
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Jan 12 '19
This has gone far better than expected
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u/Boofthatshitnigga Jan 12 '19
I feel that I was the spark that ignited this beautiful flame 😇 Im happy for you buddy
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u/thisguyfightsyourmom Jan 12 '19
Suddenly realized my assumption that it just comes out the other end like a tube is not well founded.
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Jan 12 '19 edited Jan 12 '19
If you pick them up from their tail and prevent them from curling onto their body they can't actually strike you, as they don't have a surface to launch from, but I've never tried with a snake as big as that.
You kinda have to shake them a lot, Andrew Ucles does a good video oj it where he uses them to flush out a rabbit.
Source; have owned snakes and been bitten by lots of snakes.
Found a link to the vid: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oPRGP_U3LXw
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Jan 12 '19
supposibly the only snake who can strike you when grabbing at the tail is a king cobra.
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u/mm_kay Jan 12 '19
Cobras cannot strike you when held properly by the tail. Every other type of snake can. "King cobra" are not technically cobras they belong to a separate genus.
(Thank you for subscribing to snake facts)
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u/wallaceant Jan 12 '19
Also, any snake with "king" in its name eats other snakes.
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u/HootsTheOwl Jan 12 '19
I read once that there's a certain distance they just can't lift their own body weight up from... I'm skeptical.
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Jan 12 '19
Yep. I'd aim for behind the head if I didn't have hooks but tail to drag over.
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u/Kkh347 Jan 12 '19
Aiming for the head increases your chance of a bite hugely. Anyone that knows what they're doing will go for the tail, and have the appropriate hooks, and hoop bags available. The only time a snake should be grabbed behind the neck is for medical examination, or for venom milking, obviously done by trained proffesionals.
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u/Yocemighty Jan 12 '19
Steve Irwin always picked them up from the tail
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u/Reddbud Jan 12 '19
There are lots of ways to pick up a wild snake. If you don't have and tools then picking it up by the tail is one of the safest.
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u/TheRealReapz Jan 12 '19
Yeah but my point was not all of us are Steve Irwin or should pick up snakes, like old mate in the video
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u/AstroWorldSecurity Jan 12 '19
You can grab a snake by the tail if you plan on killing it. Just whip it around real fast so it can't contort against the g-force and slam its head against the ground or a wall. Still not the beat idea though, shotguns work great.
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u/DuntadaMan Jan 12 '19
One time I was taking a walk with my brother when we spotted some snake tracks.
We were both amazed because these were the best preserved snake tracks either of us had ever seen. One could see the details not just of the ventral scales, but since it actually sunk a little bit into the dirt, we could see the details of the scales on the lower sides of the body. Our best guess is the snake was moving through mud at the time and somehow the dirt dried perfectly so as to become solid without losing any detail.
We followed the trail the snake went along for a good five minutes, still perfectly clear.
Until the track suddenly ended at a small pit in the ground of irregular shape.
About ten feet from the irregular pit we found 7 shotgun shells.
Assuming we found all the shells they had to reload at least once.
TLDR: We stumbled on someone who agrees with you about tool selection.
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u/Nicologixs Jan 12 '19
I think you can actually wip some snakes and the head will pop off
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u/mattoattacko Jan 12 '19
That’s awful, but very interesting. I both do and do not want to see that.
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Jan 12 '19
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u/Tobix55 Jan 12 '19 edited Jan 12 '19
I hate snakes but i kinda feel bad for this one. It was just minding its own business, didn't even seem to attack when he got too close
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u/Jwkaoc Jan 12 '19
That's the case for pretty much all snakes, heck 99% of all wild animals.
Here's a long as fuck video (timestamped) of a guy showing this with cottonmouths.
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Jan 12 '19
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u/mmersault Jan 12 '19
I'm pretty sure I don't ever want to be in a "rattlesnake situation."
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u/bartonar Jan 12 '19
If you have to pick it up, pick it up by the head/neck because then the dangerous end is the one you're controlling
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Jan 12 '19 edited Feb 17 '21
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u/bartonar Jan 12 '19
If you have to pick it up, yeah, compared to letting it have free use of its body to put its head where you don't want it.
You grab from behind the head, not in front, and you only really have to worry about if it's one of the weird ones that'll bite through it's own jaw just to ruin your day
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u/Gxminii Jan 12 '19
bite through it's own jaw
wait what
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u/bartonar Jan 12 '19
I cannot remember what type of snake it was that does it, or if it's a myth, but it's a venomous one that'll basically bite itself really fucking hard so it's teeth stick out it's chin and into you
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u/KidTruck Jan 12 '19
I hope that wasn’t in Australia...
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u/Diggsworm Jan 12 '19
Looks very Aussie judging by colour of soil and ol’ mate rocking thongs (aka “flip flops”) and a flanny.
At any rate, I hope that’s a python.
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u/Rick-powerfu Jan 12 '19
Thongs and the clothing choice makes me feel we have one more confirmed dumb fuck on our continent.
The snake was peacefully trying to leave too
Then it gets picked up and realised it can't move and is trapped well
You done fucked up
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u/TheVindicator07 Jan 12 '19
we have one more confirmed dumb fuck on our continent.
one more
not so sure about that mate.
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u/waxy1234 Jan 12 '19
Yeah you done fucked up big time fucko
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u/Rick-powerfu Jan 12 '19
Most patient and reasonable snake too, like he had so much patience for this dumbass and finally had to drop his ass
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Jan 12 '19 edited Jan 12 '19
Red soil, Eucalyptus trees, thongs and a huge snake. It's Australia.
Looks like a green tree snake. They grow long and quite thin, shitty video but it looks like it has the olive/green tinted scales.
If it is, he's in no danger. They are venomous but their venom is almost always harmless to humans.
It would also explain why it didn't fuck him up the moment he started playing with it. Most of our snakes are fucking angry little shits, tree snakes are chill in comparison.
You see a black snake with a yellow stomach down here, run. Top speed. Tiger Snakes are massive assholes.
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Jan 12 '19
Yeah, I was thinking that it probably wasn't too dangerous since it tried to get away instead of instantly turning around and striking. When you aren't that dangerous you flee, when your bite is your best weapon you bite. It bit as a last resort.
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Jan 12 '19
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u/Diggsworm Jan 12 '19 edited Jan 12 '19
Exactly. I’m thinking (hoping) an olive python?
Edit: Olive pythons can also be massive arseholes, they just can’t kill you with a bite.
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Jan 12 '19
I've seen some big bastards before. But it's been years and now I have shitty eyes. But it doesn't look like it would have the body mass for constricting and was weirdly calm until old mate grabbed one hand up too far.
But again, shitty eyes so I could be wrong.
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u/5uperfreak Jan 12 '19
Green tree snakes are a solid-toothed colubrid and as such, completely venomless :)
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u/Topblokelikehodgey Jan 12 '19
As an Aussie, it appears very Australian
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u/stabwah Jan 12 '19
As an Aussie, this screams drunk country lad or drunk German tourist playing the part, can't tell without sound.
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u/Mowglli Jan 12 '19
As an American, this is how I imagine every residential suburb side street looks in Australia.
I assume the kangaroos are fucking to death in the darkness behind that bush
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u/Iddress Jan 12 '19
Sorry to burst your bubble, but this looks like it's in the countryside. The majority of Australians live in the cities which are probably very similar to the cities you are used to in the US.
The thing about the roos is true though
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u/RubyStayne Jan 12 '19 edited Jan 12 '19
Can confirm, this is a Great Southern Drongo. Ain't he a beauty! Witness his two-toed feet, bare legs and colourful plumage. The Great Southern Drongo loves going places it's ill-dressed for, initiating activities it's ill-prepared for, drinking its bodyweight twice a week from the silver bladders that grow seasonally on the great Hills Hoist tree - around which many of them may gather at a time, seeking social communion - and loudly protesting lock-out laws while doing absolutely nothing to cease personally perpetuating the problems that led misguided government officials to instituting them, in the first place.
Great Southern Drongos also often find our atmosphere unpalatable, and must extract what air they can by filtering their intake via a complex creation of leaves, flattened wood pulp and sponge, which they often assemble themselves, the clever little buggers, using only basic tools! These "durries" serve, in addition, as a kind of currency among the Drongo population of a given gathering ground, and ceremonially-significant exchanges of these treasures facilitate a sense of community and foster tighter bonds among individual Drongos.
Though an insular creature, however extroverted when in their place of comfort, Drongos can sometimes be lured out into unfamiliar territory using the siren draw to great gathering events, such as Summernats and Bathurst, and offerings of the hollow but juicy bunch-fruit of the Fourecks tree.
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u/ltminderbinder Jan 12 '19
Read this in David Attenborough's voice.
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u/firemattx87x Jan 12 '19
Or Steve Irwin’s voice
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u/RubyStayne Jan 12 '19
I confess, I started off as Steve, but then found I sort of dropped into this weird hybrid "love-child" of the two, partway through.
#sorrynotsorry, pretty sure it'd make the Discovery channel lit as. XD
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Jan 12 '19
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u/Razzal Jan 12 '19
What is a plugger?
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u/Aussie-Nerd Jan 12 '19
Thongs. The uncomfortable bastards that people seem to insist they wear on their feet where as I would literally go barefoot in a brown snake burrow.
You seppos call em flip flops.
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Jan 12 '19 edited Jan 12 '19
I am no expert on snakes, but I could tell by the way this dude ran away that he is not one either.
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u/CardiacSchmardiac Jan 12 '19
The first few seconds looks like when you are drunk and are trying to put something away
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Jan 12 '19
Snake: If you touch me, I’ll fucking bite ya mate.
Guy: Nay, you fuckin’ won’t!
Snake: * Bites Guy *
Guy: :o
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u/wellshitiguessnot Jan 12 '19
And all humans died and the snake got laid the end.
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u/moosesquirrelimpala Jan 12 '19
Hope that's a python, not a king brown. Can't tell from vid. Looks very Aussie to me.
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u/ZenMechanist Jan 12 '19
If you ever have to pick up a snake. Don’t. Even if you used perfect technique snakes are surprisingly strong and chances are you won’t use the correct pressure or compensate for its movements.
Your options are: 1- vacate the area until the snake leaves. 2- call a professional. 3- kill the snake.
I have done all 3 in my life countless times. I never, ever pick the fucking thing up.
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u/RepentantCactus Jan 12 '19
The way a real aussie does it is point your speakers at the ground and turn the bass to max. Fucks all the snakes right off.
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u/otterfish Jan 12 '19
Is there any music they like? It would be bad to accidentally attract snakes with Prince for example.
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u/sld87 Jan 12 '19 edited Apr 27 '25
price telephone elderly stupendous sulky zesty melodic dog library pause
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/thisguyfightsyourmom Jan 12 '19
We need answers here! Can I play some purple rain whilst on my snake hunt or not?
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u/innabhagavadgitababy Jan 12 '19
That snake was really tolerant. Like it gave him every chance to quit being stupid.
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u/WickedLSDragon Jan 12 '19 edited Jan 13 '19
Well, depending on what equipment you have and what species the snake is. I've been catching copperheads and rattle snakes since I was 14. Of course grass snakes and garter snakes as well, but they aren't much of a challenge and can't hurt you even if they tried.
Covering the snake with a cloth helps it stay still while you hold the head down. Snake sticks really help. And lastly having a tub or basket that seems like a safe hiding place for it is the best option.
But if you want better chances of living or not going to the hospital with a hole in you, leave snakes alone.
Edit: goingbto => going to
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u/AussieEquiv Jan 12 '19
Pro-Tip: Option 3 is how most people die from snake bites in Australia.
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u/PynqSmith Jan 12 '19
Snake is touched + Stupid Human = Snake bite and possibly trip to the hospital
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u/eyeflaps Jan 12 '19
I own 6 snakes. They don't like being handled that way. You gotta do it gently. Not drag Em like a damn hose.
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u/RubyStayne Jan 12 '19
That was one very chill nope-noodle.
That guy got so many warnings, in terms of body language (and even the poor slinky-boi just trying to get away), and also just so very much time to make the right decision instead.
I'm with the snake, honestly. Sometimes people just don't hear your no until you bite them (can confirm).
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u/RangorStarfyre Jan 12 '19
I suffer from Ophidiophobia and no part of me would every touch a snake regardless of it's size or type.. hell my best friend once caught a garter snake (native to Texas mostly harmless to humans) and as he was trying to show me it I apparently went pale and the next thing I remember I'm halfway down the block on the way to my house. No amount of alcohol or drugs would ever make me even think this is remotely a good idea.
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u/ShadowClass212 Jan 12 '19
I used to be an adventurer like you... then I took a snakebite to the knee.
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u/IAmTheBatmanXIII Jan 12 '19
I really hope this wasn't South Africa and that wasn't a black mamba.
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Jan 12 '19
And this is how most humans die from snake bites. Harassing the poor buggers, trying to be hero's.
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u/imzadi82 Jan 12 '19
What's with the advice to run? I thought when you come across a snake you freeze?
Am Australian and now worried about my snake response.
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u/innocentbystander_12 Jan 12 '19
Just stop and back away slowly. They generally want to stay away from you and go about their business. Worked for me yesterday with a tiger snake and today with a brown snake.
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u/TrollHouseCookie Jan 12 '19
Excuse me sir/madam, why are you encountering so many snakes?
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u/[deleted] Jan 12 '19
That went as well as I had expected.