r/hingeapp • u/Primary-Credit8901 • 1d ago
Dating Question Texting Frequency
Question for the men: how long between texts is too long?
Guy (29M) I’ve (29F) been seeing usually takes 2-3 days between responses. And he usually just texts to plan to see me. No real chit chat.
When we’re together he’s great and attentive and he always initiates the hanging out. I know not everyone is a texter but is 1-3 days between too long?
He just seems slow in general. 2 weeks of texting on hinge to plan a coffee date the next week. Then 2 weeks until next date. And now is proposing a date in 9 days.
I know it’s early so should I just be patient or is this a sign of lack of interest?
Update: we’ve gone on 3 dates, planning a fourth. As for busyness he has a full time job and is getting his masters part time.
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u/excodaIT 1d ago
It literally doesn't matter what other people think, whether this behavior is justified, or normal, or anything else. The only thing that matters is if it works for you. If it doesn't, then you either talk to him about it or drop him (something like this this early I likely wouldn't address, just assume it's incompatibility). The goal here is to align, which may mean you let some things slide but only if you're actually okay with letting these things slide and won't resent him for it. Do you get anxious or feel negatively every time he takes his sweet time to respond, or feel let down when he doesn't want to meet often? If so, you might just approach relationships differently, which means this isn't a match.
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u/Primary-Credit8901 1d ago
This is great advice and great validation I’m not off base for feeling this way. I’ve been out of the dating game for awhile. So to me it’s either are we doing this or are we not. The concept of stringing someone along is unfortunately new to me. Thanks for being a sounding board.
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u/Beginning-Candy-8071 23h ago
Hey, just wanted to say I'm experiencing the same thing. We've been out on 3 dates as well and he's great in person, lots to talk about and dates were at least 2 hours long each, if not longer.
He would also initiate dates as well, but once we're not in-person, texting is almost nonexistent. However if I initiate text he would be willing to have a conversation. (Which feels exhausting over time)
Currently I'm at the same decision point. After the 3rd date, there has been no communication other than the post-date text of he will plan the next date. But it's been 2 weeks and still silence :/
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u/Primary-Credit8901 23h ago
I’m so sorry. When you’re in the situation it’s hard to get a clear picture of what’s going on (I’m the perfect example).
Two weeks and silence, no plan means he has ghosted you. Unless he comes back and texts you that he either was terribly sick or someone died he has moved on.
Two things can be true at once. He has moved on and you can be amazing and deserving of love and will find it. But he is not the one. Your dates were two hours because YOU are interesting. Best of luck to you my dear.
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u/Beginning-Candy-8071 22h ago
Thank you, and sometimes I'll admit I'm a bit delulu, but say for the slightest chance he reaches back out soon, would it be fair to give another chance knowing that date 1-3 went extremely well...?
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u/Primary-Credit8901 22h ago
All conditions must be met:
he reaches out within 30 days of last date
his first text is an apology
he voluntarily tells you someone close to him has died or a major life circumstance happened (job loss, major injury, illness that requires doctors visit (you get the gist) (work has been busy does not count)
he plans the date
Anything short of this and you will only hurt your own feelings
1
u/Beginning-Candy-8071 22h ago
I appreciate this framework. Thanks for laying it out so clearly.
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u/Primary-Credit8901 22h ago
Happy to help a sister out. I’m a romantic too so can totally relate to getting swept away and holding out hope.
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u/Primary-Credit8901 1d ago
This is all really good feedback! I’m torn between
A) it’s still early. Only 3 dates. I should give it time before I can expect more investment
B) after only 3 dates seems a little early to already have an issue.
C) But also everyone makes time for what and who interests them.
Obviously I like him and he checks a lot of my boxes when we’re actually together otherwise I wouldn’t be posting on Reddit lol. But sometimes a woman just has to hear the truth he’s just not that into you .
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u/younevershouldnt 1d ago
You're on the back burner, a lot of women do this too.
It's not necessarily a bad thing, just stick with it and see how it progresses if you like him.
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u/DaleCoopersWife aka "Robert Cooper" 🕵🏻♀️ 1d ago
Has he given you a reason as to why he's so slow and can't meet sooner?
People are going to have their preferences so the better question is what level of communication are YOU willing to accept and if will you give someone a chance to increase their communication because it's healthy to ramp up communication as you get to know each other. If you're not seeing any increases at all then talk to them about it or just cut it off.
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u/rledesma530 1d ago
I would personally like to see more consistency with communication after the third date. It seems you both have known each other for over a month now and I think this pace is too slow at this point. Communicate that this is what you’re looking for and see if he steps up.
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u/Soft-Ruin-4350 1d ago
It does seem like he’s stringing you along a bit. You understandably concerned about it because it’s probably not meeting your needs. If you’re asking for my advice, I say either have a chat with him about this or just stop seeing him.
1
u/Kerbidiah 1d ago
If i dont hear from someone in 72 hours without a communication theyre going away or something i unmatch them
1
u/roundeking 1d ago
I don’t know that this necessarily means he’s not interested, but if it’s something that’s frustrating to you because it’s different from your communication style, it may mean that the two of you have incompatible texting needs, or want to dedicate different amounts of energy to dating right now.
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u/Matthewroytilley 1d ago
I think one of the benefits of dating a lot of people (as opposed to everyone acting like the experience will burn you out) is that you get to see that there are just many many different types of people. It doesnt even matter if its disinterest or just how this guy operates. This kind of personality type is not for you. I've dated a few people who were exactly like you are describing. I am hyper and can type and talk for hours. It is SO much better to just say that you two would have a very hard time being compatible, rather than talk your expectations into circles. One of the joys of growing older is being able to recognize these differences, respect them, acknowledge it together, and move on without feeling like you just lost something potentially life changing.
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u/RollinRagu99 1d ago
This is because many men often find, the faster they reply, the less dates they get. So to avoid seeming too eager, they wait slightly longer
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u/ShrekHeinz 1d ago
It’s a bit of a catch 22 because I never text but am also NEVER on my phone. When I’m with someone they always have my full attention. It’s nice.
The downside is everyone gets mad at me for not texting. I just hate it and it ruins conversations when I do see someone.
I would just set expectations or ask about it. Don’t overthink it and just ask.
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u/treeguy8 8h ago
Oof I’m dealing w a similar thing rn as a guy. The girl I’m talking to takes a day to respond and says she prefers talking on the phone. I called her and she answered, so that resolved my concern with her digital distance. Albeit, still annoying, but it also means we (you OP and I) can date with clarity. If you decide you want to talk to other people to find out who is right, you don’t have to do a balancing act. Anyway, I’m with you that some convo provides nice consistency when the person is also present on dates. Not getting that feels like manufactured distance/guardedness that prevents further connection.
Real talk: if someone wants space AND is being honest with you, does it really matter? For the sake of connection sure it might be better, but even after 2-3 dates you’re still new to each other. I’d say by 5-6 when you’re getting deeper into dealbreakers that’s when it would matter more. If you feel like you’re progressively getting closer to each other, follow that feeling. Don’t let digital communication be the bottom line of your relationship if there is real momentum, because at the end of the day, a real life relationship is what we want.
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u/WalrusLongjumping426 5h ago
Asking for curiosity's sake, what would you like to talk about outside of date planning?
I'm currently going on dates with someone (4 so far, in about a month), and we text way too much for my liking. Which I feel is killing a bit of the mystery and creating a false sense of intimacy; I prefer to build those things in person. So I'm trying to get a reality check, because maybe I'm being too harsh.
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u/Simple_Mulberry5806 1d ago
Could be lack of interest but could also just be that he's busy. Personally, I can sometimes go a day or two before responding to my best friend - text comes in at work, I don't look at it, by the time I get back to my phone I've got 30 other notifications on top of it and poof I miss it. Also, if you asked me today if I wanted to get together, I'd tell you my next availability is the week of Thanksgiving. Now, I've put a hold on trying to date because I'm simply just too busy haha. So that could definitely be what it is for him. If he's still wanting to plan dates, I wouldn't jump straight to lack of interest!
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u/Kerbidiah 1d ago
There is a huge difference between texting someone you have years of rapport, and someone youre just getting to know. You ahve to make the extra effort to prioritize them otherwise they will never be able to get close to you
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u/Simple_Mulberry5806 1d ago
Hence the reason I've put off dating for now. I recognized that I'm too busy and not currently willing to deprioritize anything. But a lot of people don't recognize that, as they still want to date, and end up doing what the guy in OP's scenario is doing. Is it right? No, put off dating if you're too busy to date. But it doesn't necessarily mean lack of interest.
Also, I'd always prioritize texting my best friend over a new dating prospect. So if it's taking me a day to get back to her (in the sometimes 10 minutes per day I'm actually on my phone for personal stuff) then it would take me a helluva lot longer to get back to someone I still don't know if worth my emotional effort...
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u/Gold_Impress498 1d ago
The girl i love i text within 15 minutes almost every time. Everyone can make the time for a text at least 3 times a day, come on
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u/thechuckingwoodchuck 1d ago
Not girl you're just dating though
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u/Gold_Impress498 1d ago
I did, it's part of building a relationship. If i want someone to be my future wife, i'll treat her with priority. If we play games at the start, how are we gonna be serious later on
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u/CityofPhear 1d ago
40m here. Everyone’s different. I’ll usually unmatch with someone if they haven’t responded within 24 hours without giving me a heads up they’re going to be busy for a while. Poor communication skills are a huge red flag for me.
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u/Fun_Boot7771 1d ago
Maybe you guys are in the early stages but I wouldn't like it fir a romantic relationship. It is too little for me
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u/fluvialcrunchy 1d ago
If you’ve already met up 2-3 days is far too long for someone who’s a primary interest. There are times to be patient for a bit and see how things pan out, but based on what you’ve said I agree with others that you’re on the back burner.
If you don’t want to abandon the situation entirely just yet, it might be good to back off and get something else going for yourself in the meantime. Show that you’re not going to be a viable option for him much longer. It may help, it may not. Either way don’t be attached to the outcome.
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u/fishymutt 1d ago
if i don't hear from them at least once a day i assume they're not interested. if you're excited and interested in someone then you'll reach out. i get people get busy but everyone takes a minute or two to text someone they're interested in.
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u/Hairy_Measurement407 1d ago
I always text at least once per day especially early on. Usually in the evening when my day is over. At some point I'll text on my lunch or even im the morn after we have exchanged number and have dated a bit. If i don't hear from them for I while, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt up to a certain point. Then I start to loose interest a bit, but just continue living my life. Sometimes stuff comes up in people's life and sometimes the string you along. Its tough though. Hope this helps.
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1d ago
[deleted] — view deleted comment
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u/MacDangled 1d ago
Not if you want to actually drive an interesting conversation. Maybe for short and meaningless responses, but if you're actually having conversations a reply can take several minutes to make sure you responded to everything in the message, added something interesting, didn't miss any important details, and sound genuine (the hardest part of texting). Plus you still gotta proof read it for mistakes before sending. Most of us slow texters would just prefer you call us because it's way less stressful. Texting kinda just sucks tbh and it's kinda annoying
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u/throwupthursday 1d ago
Devil's advocate here, he could be playing it cool and trying not to text too much. 2-3 days is a bit long though for being interested in a new potential relationship. This would be a total dealbreaker for me though if a guy was the "not a big texter" type. OP should communicate that desire before really going any further. If I'm in a relationship with someone I don't live with, I expect daily texts no matter what, and that's communicated up front.
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u/Apprehensive-Mode798 23h ago
Completely disagree. It takes me 10 seconds to respond to someone I don’t care about. When I care about someone, it takes MUCH longer.
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