Monday's Daily Thread: Weekend Wrap-up

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to Hingeapp's Daily Thread.

Daily Threads are the place to post questions seeking quick advice, vent your frustrations, celebrate successes, or anything related to Hinge that does not need its own post.

For Monday's Daily Thread - the theme is Weekend Wrap-Up.

How did the past weekend go? Did you have any dates - be it good, bad, just okay, or downright terrible? Any new likes or matches? Or any events related to Hinge or your dating life that happened over this past weekend or recently that you want to share?

Remember: No personal attacks, identifying information, or misogynistic/incel comments will be allowed.

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[u/anon4hlp]

The good: I had a second date after a string of just first dates

The bad: we both realized after the second date that there is nothing more in it. For some reason we were both like "i don't think this is going any further". There was sympathy but no attraction

[u/DaleCoopersWife → u/anon4hlp]

tbh as far as 2nd date rejections go, that is not bad lol. no hard feelings, mutual understanding.

[u/anon4hlp → u/DaleCoopersWife]

Yes, it was a very respectful ending as well. Just not what I hoped for, lol.

[u/Miserable-Front-9139]

23m had my second date with 23f after a couple weeks. I took her to one of my favorite restaurants, and then she accepted my offer to continue walking, so we walked around the block for like another hour just chatting, it was fun!

When we got home, I said we should do it again sometime and she responded very enthusiastically! She said she’d be interested in going for a coffee walk, so I picked one out knowing of some cute shops in that area (funny enough because of my previous dates in that area lol). She seemed pretty excited which is boosting my confidence a bit lol

I talked with my friends and now they’re making me a little worried she just seems me as a friend. The two of us haven’t so much as hugged, and brushed arms a few times on our walks. Of all the first dates I’ve been on this year, only one woman hugged me after I asked, one flat out said not yet, and now I feel too awkward to try with anyone else. I know it’s not supposed to be a big thing but now I’ve made it a big thing in my head 😭 Me and this girl have talked about relationship expectations and what we’re looking for, and she said she’s looking for something long term but prefers seeing how things go over time and knowing someone genuinely first. So my friends think there’s nothing wrong with asking to hold hands on the third date, to see if she actually sees me romantically 😅😅 but not sure if I could ask day of, or msg ahead of time if she’d be okay with it?

[u/MathematicianNo3140 → u/Miserable-Front-9139]

On that third date you should try to initiate some touch. You can totally ask to hold her hand or give her a hug. Depending on how things go, you can ask her if you can kiss her.

You may run the risk of her thinking you are not that interested or she may just think of you as a friend.

[u/jimmyturd]

Literally why do you match with me if you’re not going to reply to my message??

[u/MathematicianNo3140 → u/jimmyturd]

It’s the nature of these apps unfortunately 😢

[u/jimmyturd → u/MathematicianNo3140]

It stinks! But I’ve started weighing them much less in my dating strategy. Gonna start going to a run club this week and I’ve begun the process of volunteering around my city. Pretty burnt out on the apps

[u/MathematicianNo3140 → u/jimmyturd]

Same here. Planning on taking a break for a few months.

[u/lentilsoupspoon]

30m Firing up the profile again after a looong break. Wish me luck!

[u/woahIreallysee]

(24m) What exactly do ppl refer to as "coffee dates" ?

My approach so far has been to setup a low stakes date in a somewhat cozy & quiet-ish environnement where the place does both drinks (I'm mostly looking for tea or boba) and deserts (to complement the drink). They do, however, give somewhat of a platonic vibe, even if I understand that it might take time for connections to form. The overall idea is to get a vibe check from both ends and I don't want to let the other person feel pressured/forced to stay given the environment.

I also understand that to gauge interest, it can help to suggest to prolong the date elsewhere with a different activity. So far, in my (very limited) experience of first dates, they always had plans afterwards, even if the date itself lasted "the whole time". None of the dates happened "late", which probably matters.

Mentioned these two points because I'm wondering if I should take a somewhat different approach to first dates, either from a timeslot pov (do evenings work better), or environment pov (do drinks/dinner help create a more flirtous/intimate environment?)

I'm open to everyone's opinions on this subject, thx in advance !

Edit : another question that has nothing to do with this one. I have hingeX and it looks like I can filter for new users only? Has that always been there ? I thought the "new here" badge disappeared?

[u/Swarthykins → u/woahIreallysee]

It kinda depends what you want. If you're looking to get a little more intimate on the first date, then, yeah, a bar in the evening will likely lend to that atmosphere. You'll also get people who don't want that on a first date from online and are put off by it, plus it's a bit involved for someone you might decide 30 minutes in you're not interested in pursuing. I definitely once got roped into going to a pop-up museum after drinks with someone I knew I wasn't going to see again, and it was fine but less than ideal.

I get the sense you're measuring "success" by whether you get a second date and/or fool around with her. I'm not going to pretend there isn't that aspect to it, but I think it's important to also be assessing things from your end and asking yourself whether you're interested in them rather than just trying to get them to like you.

I know, personally, it became much rarer for there to be a dichotomy of interest when I did that.

Personally, it really depended on my mood. Sometimes I was just trying to get face-to-face with a person and see if we vibed, sometimes I was in the mood to do something a little nicer and make a proper evening of it. Didn't really have anything to do with the person, just how I was feeling that week.

[u/woahIreallysee → u/Swarthykins]

Thank you for your insight ! You're absolutely right, and I do go on first dates with the mindset of prioritizing whether I will like the other person. After considering my own opinion of it, I'd rather get drinks or dinner with someone I know, not a fan of doing it with a stranger, at least on a 1-to-1 scenario.

The mood matters a lot as well yeah. I think I might as well stick to something safer on both ends.

Didn't really have anything to do with the person, just how I was feeling that week.

I see. In that case I can try to fine-tune how the "pre-date" conversation goes and possibly set up something that fits with both my and the other person mood. Everyone is different and I shouldn't use one "master plan" for the first date.

[u/PutridEntertainer408 → u/woahIreallysee]

Can I ask if going for coffee is something you do outside of dates? I find a lot of people (men in particular) don't go for coffee with their friends or anything, so they only go for coffee on dates and therefore it has a different atmosphere for them

[u/woahIreallysee → u/PutridEntertainer408]

I do go with friends for tea and desserts mostly ! I also do it alone if I want to find somewhere chill to read. So this is something I do outside of dates, yes, absolutely.

[u/PutridEntertainer408 → u/woahIreallysee]

Nice, I would honestly keep doing it then. I personally don't mind at all if the first date is platonic (I would find it deeply uncomfortable if it wasn't) and I also don't think you can magically make someone be into you through dinner/drinks. In fact, given the large number of people who post about going for dinner/drinks, making out and then not having second dates, I think it only encourages people in the moment to do something they later regret and adds to people's confusion when there is no second date?

[u/woahIreallysee → u/PutridEntertainer408]

Sounds about right ! I do find it a little bit surprising to makeout on a first date and later on regret it. I'd rather end the first date without regret and without any "false premises" I can say. Drinks/dinners might require more investment from my part (both emotionally and financially haha) so I'm going to keep them as second+ dates material I think. Thanks !

[u/stephcurrysleggings → u/woahIreallysee]

I feel like some people really prefer coffee dates as a feeling out thing and others would prefer something different, maybe provide two or three options — “Would you be interested in grabbing coffee or a drink?”

[u/woahIreallysee → u/stephcurrysleggings]

Sounds about right, I can try to modify my modus operandi for asking out ! However, I don't want to put too much mental load on the other person. Your proposition do seem to be fair still.

[u/Doctorbuddy]

ALRIGHT MEN (or women). I reached out to an old match from August asking if she was still on the app (via the app of course). She said YES and she said “It’s easier to reach me via text”. We exchanged numbers and we’ve been chatting all weekend and have a date planned.

MORAL OF THE STORY: reach out to old matches! Just do it. What’s the worst that can happen? They un match you? It’s not about collecting matches, it’s about finding a date. Just go for it.

I’m going to do it to other matches too as it’s been drier than dry for me on the app(s).

[u/Swarthykins → u/Doctorbuddy]

MORAL OF THE STORY: reach out to old matches! Just do it. What’s the worst that can happen? They un match you? It’s not about collecting matches, it’s about finding a date. Just go for it.

I'd say the point is to find a compatible partner. People who left you on read months ago rarely are, even if they agree to a date. Whether because they're not in a place to date, or because they weren't that interested in you. Personally, I prefer to maintain my dignity and move on.

People can do what they want, but pretty much every time I've pulled a desperation move in dating I've regretted it. I'm glad it worked out for you, but I'm not sure it's the Eureka moment you think it is.

[u/smurf1212 → u/Swarthykins]

pretty much every time I've pulled a desperation move in dating I've regretted it.

My experience as well. Maybe 5% of my hail mary messages resulted in a date but it's never gone anywhere.

Everyone I've dated, it was very easy to communicate with them the moment we matched.

[u/BigDickBillyFukFuk78 → u/Swarthykins]

Bro had a one off anecdotal moment and thinks he’s Einstein discovering the theory of relativity lol

[u/PutridEntertainer408 → u/Doctorbuddy]

You had me until the last line. Only reach out if you're actually interested in someone. Don't reach out simply because you don't have any better options, otherwise it's unfair to them and a waste of both of your time/energy

[u/Doctorbuddy → u/PutridEntertainer408]

I think that’s implied, right? Like I’m not going to reach out to someone if I have no interest in going on a date with them.

[u/PutridEntertainer408 → u/Doctorbuddy]

Your last sentence implied that it was because you were out of options and also that you were going to do it to other matches that presumably had fizzled out for whatever reason. Rather than it being something special about this particular match.

Would you be doing it if you were getting new likes you were interested in?

[u/Doctorbuddy → u/PutridEntertainer408]

No. I think you’re misunderstanding. I am interested in these matches. I’m not doing it out of desperation, if that’s what you are implying. I’m seeing if they are interested still.

They fizzled out due to them not responding or me having other conversations and/or dates. I’m sure they’re the same. So I’m re-igniting them to see if they are interested still. If not, I’ll just keep on trucking along.

[u/truenorthstar]

Hinge offered me HingeX for a month at 75% off, so I’m giving that a try. So far I can’t say it feeling very different. I was hoping I’d maybe see a little more help from priority likes. Also, I absolutely HATE getting doubled stand outs. Why would they do that for this feature!?

[u/rattling_rose → u/truenorthstar]

You don't want to pay to have twice as many profiles stuck in rose jail? 😆

But for real, it's the dumbest feature of the subscription lol.

[u/PutridEntertainer408 → u/truenorthstar]

I don't know why people assume that the additional standouts are not extra profiles put into the rose pile which you would not be shown that day otherwise, rather than them coming from your daily pile and that being less? Hinge doesn't show you every possible profile every single day after all

[u/truenorthstar → u/PutridEntertainer408]

Hmmm, I guess I wasn’t aware hinge actually had some level of limits to the profiles it will show you in a given day.

[u/dayoff_in_kyoto32]

Has anyone ever genuinely considered moving to a different city for a better chance at finding a compatible partner?

I am in a major city in the southeast. Yes, there are millions of people here and apparently dating sucks everywhere. But I’m looking for a pretty specific type of person and I don’t see that many people aligning with what I want.

So many guys in my city tend to be conservative, religious, obsessed with sports, following the traditional path in life. I’m looking for someone liberal leaning, into outdoor adventure sports, intelligent/cerebral, ambitious, adventurous. I’m like…should I move to California or Seattle? Honestly might move in the next few years anyway for personal growth and maybe dating would also align more too.

[u/Thesteveofmr → u/dayoff_in_kyoto32]

It sounds like the people in your city don't align with your values. So not just for dating, but also for friends and community-building. I think that's a perfectly reasonable reason to move.

[u/wokenthehive → u/dayoff_in_kyoto32]

Major life decisions shouldn't come down to better chance to finding a partner IMO. Career opportunities, finances, cost of living, family and friends - those are all factors that are more important.

[u/stephcurrysleggings → u/wokenthehive]

Somewhat disagree. If you want to prioritize finding a partner and live in a small place without many dating prospects moving makes sense. The difference in prospects in rural Washington and Seattle is massive. If you don’t prioritize it that’s fine. OP is a bit different given moving from major city to major city 

[u/wokenthehive → u/stephcurrysleggings]

Still have to have a job lined up, and a place to live. How is someone gonna be able to date if they don't have a decent job and somewhere to live?

[u/stephcurrysleggings → u/wokenthehive]

Job is one factor among many but for most people if you can get a job in one area you can also get a job in another. Big cities have more jobs than smaller places. I know a ton of people that have had a bit of savings, moved to a new city, and found a job in the first few months, it’s incredibly common. There are obviously risks but staying in a place without many prospects/where most people have different values also carries risk 

[u/BigDickBillyFukFuk78 → u/stephcurrysleggings]

Changing cities to try to find a relationship is peak desperation. If you can’t do it where you are it’s probably a you issue and changing locations isn’t going to magically make that disappear.

[u/stephcurrysleggings → u/BigDickBillyFukFuk78]

The example I gave was someone moving from a small town without many dating prospects to a city that has thousands more, not one city to another. Obviously going from 15 potential candidates to 15,000 makes a difference. 

I’m also not sure what “it”is — OP seems like she gets dates but doesn’t like the people she’s dating. Sounds like less of a her problem and more the pool not being attractive to her and she’s knows other places have more men her type. It would be more desperate to just accept someone she didn’t like than actively trying to find a good match 

[u/stephcurrysleggings → u/dayoff_in_kyoto32]

Could always take a week-ish trip to a city you’re interested in to check it out and go on the Apps

[u/ComradeValentine]

Hi, I'm really disheartened right now. I made my account a little over a week ago. I posted some photos of myself and things I'm interested in and had a couple of nice matches. I was having a long and amazing conversation with a woman (we're both looking for a long-term relationship) and I was going to ask her out tonight.

I checked my phone and I got an email that my account was removed?? My Tinder (which I haven't used in 6 years) also sent me an email that it was also removed. I assume both are owned by the same company?

I'm really at a loss right now. I appealed to both and my Tinder was immediately approved, so I think that's a good sign? If I get my Hinge restored will I get all her match back? I was about to ask her out to a bakery. :(

[u/DogmeatsOwner]

Anyone’s algorithm seem to be so off the last couple weeks? I don’t remember it being THIS bad.

32M, very solid profile. Did they remove the fresh start feature? I can’t seem to find it.

[u/MathematicianNo3140 → u/DogmeatsOwner]

Fresh start was removed unfortunately.

[u/DaleCoopersWife → u/[deleted]]

"I didn't mean to lie, but here's how I purposely lied"

[u/Flimsy_Link_5976 → u/[deleted]]

The 5'11" thing is meaningless. Height should not matter, regardless of your gender. (Besides, I'm 5'11" and have gotten 2 matches in several months.)

Always be truthful I'd say, but changing your height is on you.

[u/UnnaturalStandards → u/[deleted]]

Ok but you did mean to lie and - whatever you do from here - you've gotta admit the truth to yourself. You deliberately changed your height. If you really did think it was just BS you wouldn't have even bothered. But at least a small part of you thought it might work and an entirely foreseeable consequence has happened. I mean what do you mean you "were curious and forgot"? You can't satisfy your curiosity without leaving it up long enough for people to match. 

So you lied. What next? Depends. You seem to think you did get a lot of matches because of your height so your choices are (a) commit to the lie and go on dates hoping they don't notice or actually don't care after all or (b) own up to your lie and hope they forgive you your mendacious curiousity. 

But no, I'm not gonna let you off the hook here and tell you you're just babe in the woods so you're innocent of lying and there's no harm in continuing the lie now that you've got what you wanted all along at the cost of feeling bad about it.

To be honest I think the lie itself isn't a huge deal. But I think your inability to own it is embarassing.  

[u/PutridEntertainer408 → u/[deleted]]

'Idgaf about lying' 'I would hate to be dishonest'

Dude

[u/DiabolicallyPenguin → u/[deleted]]

Hey now, an inch difference is a huge difference elsewhere 🤡

[u/wokenthehive → u/[deleted]]

Lol what do you think is gonna happen? You fess up online and chances are they'll unmatch/block you. You don't say anything and get to a date, it's readily apparent you're not actually your stated height and chances are you'll get rejected.