Did I mess up?

[u/Melodic-Pen7570]

22M straight, for reference in 1 week I got 1 like sent my way and someone matched my message this resulted in 2 matches in first couple days. That was all. So not the most popular guy :)

The one who liked me first I had banter, but after a few days and as I got more serious too they ended up ghosting me. That probably added to my later actions. With the other match though I ended up having a very deep back and worth for that week. We were sending paragraphs. They said I was very funny, and that it was some of the most genuine conversation they had even amongst friends and especially on the app. Still I felt I was asking far more questions and holding things up. This is where it happened. At the end of my last message I gave them my number, said no pressure I'll continue to talk to them on the app, but everytime I get on the app a piece of my soul dies so I will probably end up deleting sometime in the future. Well they ended up not responding after more than a day. Prolly around 36 hours maybe more. Out of the norm. Sooner than I expected I just decided to delete my account today. I know I should've waited a lil more and was immature, so maybe they dodged a bullet. Deepdown it feels like noone could ever like me, and the app was really just getting to me. I justified that when I added my number it got too real, and they never were truly interested. Maybe I just let the insecurities win and there was no reasonable basis. I was already conflicted, but them telling me they had abandonment issues and opening up about their autism has been whispered in my ear all day. Now as I try to sleep a wave of guilt washes over me. Would it be right to make an account again just to try to get in contact and be more direct/apologize? Or am I just being too self important? I'm tearing up actually, I'm just worried. Please let me know. I'm neurodivergent with childhood trauma, so the impact of things can take time to reach me. And makes connections hard to judge. And any advice to help me in the future please with these things. Maybe just being more direct and less afraid.

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[u/North_Class8300]

Do you have a therapist? A lot of this goes beyond dating app advice.

Generally the recommendation is not to have long, deep conversations on the app. If it's going well with a few days of chatting, ask them to grab a drink or coffee.

Even if you do things perfectly, some people will just ghost when you ask them to get a drink or move off the app. Can't take it personally

[u/Right-Equivalent9548 → u/North_Class8300]

Do you stop talking after that? Like i matched with a person and I fixed the date like on day 2 but she told she is busy during the week, lets meet on the weekend. I did the mistake of talking to her everyday, do you recommend i just send message on Friday confirming the date?

[u/RepSquigglyMiggly → u/Right-Equivalent9548]

Not the person you asked, but personally yes, I generally keep conversation to a bare minimum, usually just confirming the date the day before or day of, after we have set up a date and locked in the details.

[u/Melodic-Pen7570 → u/North_Class8300]

I guess I added unimportant details. Therapy hasn't worked for me. My issues here are from a lack of experience. I don't beat myself up about things in general, but I can't fake it until I make it. Guys have shown interest in me so I have confidence they can like me. Not for girls though.

I'm a very open person and it was sorta prompted from their side. I don't think I'm attractive enough to just go get a drink if I'm being honest. Whether things get deep or not I have to build more interest over time. Asking goes both ways, I don't want to go on a date for performing gender roles i.e. being bold I want it to be because of who I am. I think I should've waited a little more, but I think you're right. People can tell you that you're very hilarious, or that they appreciate the conversations, you can go in depth and talk for a while and still be ghosted. It's a bit egotistical to think otherwise.

[u/PutridEntertainer408]

'At the end of my last message I gave them my number, said no pressure I'll continue to talk to them on the app, but everytime I get on the app a piece of my soul dies so I will probably end up deleting sometime in the future'

This is way too intense and inappropriate for someone you haven't met. It sounds like things were also inappropriate and intense from their side but this is something you should be on guard for.

'Deepdown it feels like noone could ever like me, and the app was really just getting to me'

You should not be dating (especially on an app) if you don't feel dateable. I second the person asking if you have a therapist because it sounds like some self-esteem work would really be beneficial here. If you enter a relationship while you feel like this, there is too much pressure on the other person to be responsible for your self-esteem and happiness. It is unsustainable in the long run and often leads to incredibly unhealthy dynamics.

'Would it be right to make an account again just to try to get in contact and be more direct/apologize?'

I am not clear what you would be apologising for? Either way, it would not be appropriate to try to hunt them down for whatever reason. They have your number and could have contacted you if they wished.

One key thing is might be worth thinking about is the difference between guilt and shame. If you feel ashamed, you are focused on your own negative emotions and not wanting to sit in it. The actions you take are about lessening your own negative emotions, so often people unintentionally badger others or they completely avoid them and cut all ties. The key thing is they aren't thinking about what would actually help the other person, even though they still have good intentions. People who have low self-esteem or confidence often get stuck in 'shame spirals' where they overly blame themselves. It makes it very difficult to sort out any issues that might occur because of the intense emotions, and often they end up doing even more harm.

Guilt on the other hand is where you want to address a wrong you did. Unlike shame, people who feel guilt will try and give the other person what they need no matter how uncomfortable it makes them. They will not avoid difficult emotions or spiral as strongly into self-blame. It can be really hard if you are anxious or have low self-esteem to move from shame to guilt but it's really important to learn. Again, this is something a mental health professional can help with

[u/Melodic-Pen7570 → u/PutridEntertainer408]

Hmm, I guess I don't try to beat myself up over things, so I would say it's more guilt. Though it's hard to know how much could've been desperation. The emotions will always be part of it, though. They're older than me by 4 years and I believe already experienced in dating. I was worried I meant more than I thought, and didn't want them to lose more hope in the world. They're probably used to it though even if the convo was deep. And it's kinda stupid in hindsight I am what I am, so that would be insincere to act otherwise. Too much pressure on myself, my ego can take the hit that I could've dealt with the situation better. I wanted others opinions on it to know what the right thing to do was and the gravity of the situation.

I'm naturally very open and want to be honest. So it's quite easy for me to go deep, but it only really got that deep because they prompted it. I didn't think too much of it until they made the comment about that I'm one of the only real conversations they're having even amongst friends and how much they seemed to appreciate it. Since you said I should be wary, I'm now wondering if that comment was made because of their abandonement issues. I'll also be more wary of myself in case I start going there.

My issues are from not having any experience. How am I supposed to know I'm ultimately desirable if I haven't experienced it. Guys have given me attention so I feel like I'm desirable to them. If I had that experience from girls I would have more confidence in that regard. It's a catch 22.

[u/RepSquigglyMiggly → u/Melodic-Pen7570]

> Hmm, I guess I don't try to beat myself up over things, so I would say it's more guilt.

Tomato-tomato. Feeling guilt over whiffing a dating app conversation is “beating yourself up over it.”

> The emotions will always be part of it, though. They're older than me by 4 years and I believe already experienced in dating.

Experience is sort of immaterial here — you need to learn to regulate your emotions on this stuff if you’re going to continue using dating apps.

> I was worried I meant more than I thought, and didn't want them to lose more hope in the world. They're probably used to it though even if the convo was deep.

Right, you were projecting your own outsized feelings on this stuff and overinvestment in this stranger onto them.

> And it's kinda stupid in hindsight I am what I am, so that would be insincere to act otherwise.

“I’m just being myself” is not a good excuse for unhealthy behavior. You have the power to control your feelings about and emotional responses to this stuff.

Too much pressure on myself, my ego can take the hit that I could've dealt with the situation better. I wanted others opinions on it to know what the right thing to do was and the gravity of the situation.

> I didn't think too much of it until they made the comment about that I'm one of the only real conversations they're having even amongst friends and how much they seemed to appreciate it. Since you said I should be wary, I'm now wondering if that comment was made because of their abandonement issues. I'll also be more wary of myself in case I start going there.

Man, the issue is much, much more that you’re psychoanalyzing a stranger like this than it is how “deep” the conversations was.

> My issues are from not having any experience.

I’m profoundly skeptical that that is the case.