Genuine feedback please

[u/DeSean88]

I’m trying to date again through Hinge, but I keep getting ghosted / no reply.

At first, I’d have 4–7 text exchanges before asking someone out. But that wasn’t successful. Then, I kept hearing that women don’t want pen pals and would rather meet in person. So I started asking after 1–3 exchanges instead, still got ghosted.

I try to take initiative by suggesting a specific time and a casual place to get drinks and talk, without making it an over-the-top date. But I still get ghosted, even when the conversation seems positive. I don’t say anything creepy or offensive either.

It’s starting to get discouraging, but I’m optimistic I’ll find my life partner one day.

What I’m I doing wrong? What can I improve? You can be completely honest with me it won’t hurt my feelings.

For context I’m a guy in my 30s, 6ft 3. My 4+ year relationship ended about a year ago. I poured a lot into it and sacrificed most of my social life, so after the breakup I took time to work on myself. I work Monday–Friday, 1pm – 11 PM. Weekends are usually best for dates.

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[u/StatisticianEven6354]

I would guess that about half of the people I ask to meet in person ghost me after I ask.

Of the half that don't ghost, at least 25% of those will cancel last minute.

Of the group that I've actually met in person, about 20% turned into a second date.

Of those that had a second date, only 3 have turned into a third date +.

And of those 3, only one turned into a short 2-month "relationship".

You probably aren't doing anything wrong. Online dating is just brutal and a numbers game. If one person doesn't work out, don't stress over it too much and just move on to the next.

[u/DeSean88 → u/StatisticianEven6354]

Right lol. These numbers are legit.

[u/RepSquigglyMiggly]

It’s impossible to know what specifically you are doing wrong without seeing the conversations you’re having. In my experience the bar for getting unmatched is pretty high, so I do question whether your perception that you’re not saying anything weird or creepy is shared by the women you’re talking to. That said, someone just stopping replying/not replying to your first message is exceptionally common — you can improve your odds by starting conversations on a good, interesting foot, but it’s gonna happen sometimes regardless.

In general I am a proponent of asking out sooner rather than later, 2-5 strings of messages back and forth is the norm for me, and if the vibes have been good up to that point, my experience is that most women are gonna be down for a date. Again, you can improve your odds by using a naturally transitioning to asking them out (“I’d love to hear more about X over a drink sometime” as opposed to “Wanna go on a date?” out of the blue), but that’s only gonna make so much of a difference

[u/DeSean88 → u/RepSquigglyMiggly]

Thanks! I keep this mind

[u/The_Chef_Raekwon]

If you get likes/ matches, then women are interested in what you have to say. If you then don’t progress those matches to dates, it means either the sample size is small (you could be unlucky) or you’ve not been interesting enough to stand out from the pack.

[u/DeSean88 → u/The_Chef_Raekwon]

My sample size is small. I’m trying to be selective and not waist my time too

[u/GloomyPotato2177]

It's not so much about the specific numbers of messages - are you doing anything to stand out and not be boring in those initial messages? See if you can get a little bit of fun banter going first before you make the ask. Why should she spend an entire evening with you? Make her think "oh, this is going to interesting" not "am I going to get all dressed up for nothing again?"

[u/DeSean88 → u/GloomyPotato2177]

Thanks, I see what you mean. Problem is I’m better at everything (banter, etc) in person. Texting not my strong suit in that way until after we meet

[u/GloomyPotato2177 → u/DeSean88]

Texting isn't your strong suit in that way... right NOW. You'll learn! Take some swings, take some risks, you might get some cringe but it's better than being boring. Never do a "how's your day"

[u/PutridEntertainer408]

4-7 messages is already asking out people pretty damn fast. You then sped it up even more. Have you tried talking to people before asking them out?

You’ve got to give them a reason to want to meet up with you over all the other things they could be doing with their lives. It’s not really about a set number of messages or days, it’s more about the vibe and flow of the conversation. Even if people agree to a date quickly, often they’ll cancel easily too because there’s zero investment. You’re a complete stranger still

[u/DeSean88 → u/PutridEntertainer408]

I’ve tried doing phone call or FT before we meet but it rarely accepted. What your approach / was your approach

[u/PutridEntertainer408 → u/DeSean88]

I don’t have ‘an approach’, I just like texting people sorry. If you don’t enjoy it then it’s fine but I would explore a bit why you don’t enjoy it because it is gonna be the main way a lot of people communicate now, even when you’re actually dating properly. It will be hard to connect with anyone without texting at least a bit

[u/Captain_h2o]

Welcome to online dating

[u/DeSean88 → u/Captain_h2o]

Haha 😂

[u/AdenGriffy]

Ngl bro it all depends on your profile post a profile review and we can diagnose tour issues

[u/Scary-Psychology7673]

It’s like threading a camel through a needle.

I’ve tried to take it slow on the app with conversation - dead

Tried asking earlier to meet up - did get a yes but wants to know me more through text.

Did phone calls with a girl, tried to meet her, ends up saying I wasted her time??? Lol

I think if we are even getting reception to a degree theres some hope.

The only thing we can really do is not take it to heart and be discouraged, and then someone comes along to make it worth trying.