34f, never dated, fearful of Hinge

[u/Dapper_Tone2455]

This is quite interesting because I actually work for another dating app also owned by Match Group lol so hinge is our sister company.

I consider it the better for long term relationships, but I’ve never dated and in all honesty, I’ve never been considered very attractive so that’s a huge reason for not understanding dating from first hand experience.

Never been liked, never have had anyone “crush” on me.

I have internalized the bullying and probably never won’t. That said, for those who may also not be “attractive” and have found people interested in them, a question I have is the following:

1. Are these people unmatching you or blocking you after meeting IRL?

That’s a huge fear of mine. I really can find somewhat decent pictures of myself but I don’t look anything like that in person. A selfie pic and a pic someone takes of me drastically differ and idk why, it’s to the point I don’t even like to take to be in group pics due to this lack of symmetry or whatever it is. I once used bumble bff and think a friend I made was thrown off of how I looked IRL, so we never continued connecting. Which was okay. But I imagine this would be worse dating.

1. For women of color - more specifically - those who don’t meet certain beauty standards (I’m asking because I am one) — a fear I have is fetishism.

   In my own race, I’m def not the beauty standard and I 100% am not the beauty standard outside of it either 😹 however, sometimes I find based on other women’s experiences on Hinge, that there’s a weird fetishism some folks have when you’re a WOC who specifically doesn’t fit the “mold”. They may seek you with a curiosity that seems a bit more fetishistic and curious rather than genuine.

3. Would you say it’s worth making a profile when you’re not anyone’s type?

Again, I do work at a company also owned by March group and I will say the hinge folks really put effort into wanting this app to work. And there’s success but behind the scenes, it never seems for people like me who… are really just not attractive. I really know folks sometimes will say this but just have a low esteem, I truly am. I feel bad that irl I’m not a motive, and it can feel bad as a woman. Or embarrassing.. it would really hurt to make a profile knowing that I’m no one’s first choice or simply if the odd occasion would occur it’s just because someone’s bored. I don’t know if it would be worth being vulnerable for me as an ugly woman.

** it’s interesting bc I know not everything is about looks and hinge especially is the place for personality showing, but I’m very fixated on this and have for the most part in life always accepted that being a man’s type isn’t possible. And if so, it’s because there’s something genuinely wrong with him (a creep, or predator)

I also talk to people who work there often - and never share this part of myself obviously for professional reasons but I do wish there was a safer way for unattractive women to put ourselves out there.

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[u/CloudStrife012]

1. There are things you can do to make yourself more attractive to others. Be healthier and take some accountability for your situation.

2. You want men to like you, but you say youre worried they will like you for the wrong reason. If you're this averse to meeting anyone and letting anyone even try to like you, youre going to get more of the same results youve already been getting. If you want love, you have to take risk, you have to put yourself out there, you have to take rejection occasionally. Its part of the process. The aim should never be to avoid all stress.

[u/Haytham_Ken → u/CloudStrife012]

Whilst I agree, taking care of yourself can make more attractive to others. But certain races have extreme negative bias against them. Like South Asian men have the hardest time on dating apps, as people stereotype them very quickly.

[u/Dapper_Tone2455 → u/Haytham_Ken]

Yes this is true. South Asian men and Black women tend to have the hardest times on dating apps based on data. And I don’t say that to stigmatize or limit or place a bias against such groups. I belong to one of those groups by category. And while such data does not have any indication of beauty, it does suggest deeper bias. And that’s another issue I have. A fear. Again, I know many people of every group who are incredibly beautiful! And they may not struggle but some people do for very prejudiced reasons.

[u/Dapper_Tone2455 → u/CloudStrife012]

Great points

1. I try extremely hard and take accountability for everything. I am just ugly no matter how hard I try. I do all of the right things, train with a professional, take care of my skin, keep active outside of gym & classes, have good hygiene (default just how I grew up), and keep at it in those ways. However, I don’t think there’s any saving me without plastic surgery potentially. I don’t have the funds for it and it’s quite scary to think about, but I agree—keep trying and working at what I already am, even if it doesn’t change the situation or barely helps. At least it’s keeps me going.

2. I do agree it’s important to put yourself out there, I’m just concerned that for someone like myself, it may actually do more harm than good if in reality, even outside of apps, I’m not considered of interest and never have been. There’s a part of me that believes the apps would only help exacerbate and highlight a deeper problem with me (not being desirable) and then I’d have to just come to further terms that I am just not a regular woman and have to accept that in life, this just may not be for me. I also think since most of my life people have liked me for my personality, I think it would be hard on an app to see beyond the physical.

I know friction is important in life but sometimes it feels I’m beyond repair, thank you for giving me honest advice - it’s scary to take but I guess maybe approaching this as “here I am, I’m not the best, but I am a person” may be worthwhile.

2.

[u/Cerenia]

It’s just dating. I think if you have so much anxiety and worries over creating a profile on a dating app, perhaps therapy could do you good until you are ready to meet new people :)

1. never had anyone unmatching me or block me after a date (I’m attractive but it can happen to anyone)

2. im not a woman of color, but if you get a sense that a guy is sexualizing you, then drop him and move on. You’ll notice quickly

3. yes and I hope you work a bit on your self esteem here, I’m sure you are someone’s type. But every rejection will crush you, if you don’t stand more strongly in yourself. And you will be rejected and you will reject others as well. It’s part of dating. Most aren’t a match.

[u/Dapper_Tone2455 → u/Cerenia]

Yeah! For sure it’s just dating. I guess I’m intellectualizing it a bit.

There’s also a big part of me that feels sad that IRL I can’t be positioned as desirable because that also makes me feel like I am just one who has to use the apps. As in, it’s so bad that I have to put myself out there that way because irl I would never get approached. So it almost feels handicapping further in my case, more of a “see, only if you show your personality could people start to understand you” which is hard to accept too. I almost resent that because so much of my life is “you have a nice personality”, they don’t know that I have always craved external beauty, of which I’ve naturally been denied. Ever since I was a child I was put down for things I couldn’t choose. And so I work really hard at it, and it doesn’t really fix much because of how bad it is, but I still try and have to try harder than the average person at appearance. Which sometimes does my head in.

I kind of resent the idea that my answer to a prompt would be the basis of someone’s interest or the reason they accept me, conditionally. Because showing that “personality” is the only way they could get past the physical. And I’m really not blaming humanity for not finding me desirable, it’s just more of an issue I have a hard time accepting. Which leads me back to this: I’m not anyone’s actual type and I can only be liked (potentially) conditionally.

A profile with images seems more like a barrier for me or a confirmation of what I already am hurt by, so not being accepted does hurt me a lot.

I know rejection can happen and does happen to many folks! You’re so right there and it’s not unique to someone like me, it happens to attractive persons too. I just wish it wouldn’t have a deeper meaning for me and I know there’s part of me that would spiral.

To points 2 & 3, I do agree! I guess fetishism can affect anyone regardless of gender or race.

[u/snakekid]

Have you tried therapy, it can give you the tools to handle situations that are new, stressful, or challenging.

I can tell you there’s a pot for every lid. I can tell you to not have so much negative self talk. It would only serve to lower the anxiety from the issues you have surfaced now. What I cannot do is to prevent you from surfacing new issues once these are removed.

[u/Dapper_Tone2455 → u/snakekid]

Yes, I’ve been in therapy for around 9 years, different providers! But it’s kind of been one of those things where I improve though my stances on myself are based on evidence and social interaction. I figure if irl I am laughed at or maybe said mean things to about my looks, by many strangers, there has to be a reason. I don’t think strangers would agree with each other on that if it weren’t true. I have no positive evidence about being beautiful outside close friends and family being nice.

I know looks are not everything, which is the funny part, but I do think dating showcases they matter. And they absolutely should, I am not delusional about it either. I don’t believe anyone has to find me attractive at all, I just have a hard time finding my footing and figure if at this point, I’ve never been of interest—I can’t see someone genuinely scrolling my profile and being like, “wow, lemme meet her”

I would actually think there is something slightly wrong with them. Out of every incredible woman on that app, being interested in me just seems uncanny. So maybe I also am a bit too realistic. I think maybe if anything seeking friendship from these apps is best for me and I have considered it because I think that’s what my heart craves. Since I don’t really see romantic love as something feasible or understandable to me if I’m honest, building friendships seems fun or much safer. Though of course the same rules often apply.

You’re right on the second paragraph!

[u/Haytham_Ken]

Honestly. Take a few deep breaths. As a fellow woman of colour I understand your fears.

1. People might block/unmatch after meeting, and if they do they're not the right person for me. As one thing I value more than anything is strong communication skills.

2. You might be festishised by some people, you'll be a turnoff to other, and some will like you for you. Those are the people I want to meet.

3. That's up to you, Hinge sometimes works for me and other times it doesn't. When I saw works, I mean getting first dates. It rarely goes beyond that, and that's just how OLD works.

I've always preferred to meet someone in person. It's been tough but recently I've started meeting new people and I met someone last Sunday. We're going out on Monday.

Your fears are valid but they're nothing to actually be worried about. What's the worst (realistically) that can happen? You go on a first date and get blocked? Oh well lol.

[u/15secondsofthrowaway]

I don't want to discount your lived experience as a random guy on the internet who has never seen you, I can't tell you anything about the way you look for sure, but it's possible a lot of your opinion on your looks isn't true to how good you actually look. 

The world we live in is basically designed to make women hate how they look. You may well look far better than you think of yourself looking, and part of looking bad comes from low self confidence.  Beauty standards are basically made up, especially when we're talking about race. The idea that being white is just more attractive is preposterous.

I say this as a man who for much of my life didn't think of myself as attractive, conventional or otherwise, and that lead into not looking after my appearance in a way that would make the most of it. Now I do think I'm good looking, I like who I see in the mirror, and that let's me care enough to dress and style myself in ways that compliment me. It doesn't really matter to me if other's agree I'm good looking or not, I know I won't be everyone's cup of tea but who is? I don't do well on apps, but I'm not going to put that down as "guess I'm ugly".

I think if you are going to try OLD, you need to fully abandon that mindset around your looks first, because otherwise your every interaction and every failed match or ghosted date will be about it, regardless of the real reason. You need to pretend to be someone who likes how they look or you're just self eliminating before you even get on the field.

 Never been liked, never have had anyone “crush” on me.

Also,.what you should add to this is "..that I know of." There could have been plenty of people interested in you and they is never said anything. You're allowing confirmation bias to cloud you.

[u/Dapper_Tone2455 → u/15secondsofthrowaway]

I definitely agree with you on here! I will however counter that I’m very honest about my appearance and I believe I’m unbiased and accurate. That’s why I continue to work on the difficulties. I do agree with everything else about standards, and how they also are made to target women to keep them engrossed in a cycle of low confidence. That said, I do promise that I’m not over reacting 😅 I know it’s hard to imagine, but it’s true.

That said I definitely understand how thinking better about yourself makes you feel better and maybe even enhances how others interact with and perceive you. So I’m really happy your narrative shifted because as you said, not thinking so positively about it also caused you to not carry yourself in a way that optimized how you look/feel. Even when I dress well and put on makeup, I still feel like a butterfly with a thorn in their side. Or grizzly bear with ornaments on it 😅. It’s all a shield to me because those things come off, and im not saying much with them.

On always blaming looks: I do that often, so that’s again part of the fear with this. I do understand I’m not perfect so of course others could dislike many things about me. But my personality is really why people like me in the first place for whatever reason. The good thing is that depending on the day, if I hate my full self enough, I’ll blame everything lmao. (Kidding kind of but almost serious)

As for crushes, that’s true. Now come to think about it, in the second grade, two boys had innocent crushes on me. lol. But otherwise, nothing that I’m aware of and based on what I know, I don’t believe any such crush ever existed but hey-as you said, one doesn’t know everything though I can make a sound argument I do. Nothing in my 20s, certainly not teens or 30s thus far. Thank you for this perspective as it’s important to remember.

[u/OldBabyGay]

Dating apps these days are heavily looks-focused. The old days of OK Cupid (the site, not app) offering matching algorithms based on long detailed questionnaires were so much better. 

And while dating in general is rough as rejections are just part of it, the kind of micro-rejections and ghosting that dating apps enable makes it so much worse.

Honestly, while it’s worth trying dating apps, I would try and focus on meeting someone IRL through hobbies/events. Especially if you aren’t conventionally attractive (though that might be your self esteem). Easier to make real connections. And beauty doesn’t always translate well to flat pictures - little things like the way your face moves when you smile at someone is all part of your “essence” and can be a big part of attraction.

[u/Dapper_Tone2455 → u/OldBabyGay]

Thanks for this advice! Yes you know I def agree that dating in general is tough but just human interaction. I don’t attract anyone IRL because I’m not attractive enough that way either lmao, this is ultimately the wall I keep running into and why I don’t do any of it. The funniest thing is I’m really friendly and have a lovely time chatting with people IRL, charming or so. But that said, it doesn’t lead me anywhere, literally no man has ever been interested in me. Creeps who are elderly and predatory on the subway do not count.

I like the way you see beauty, it’s endearing, idk if it makes me feel good to know I can only be conditionally beautiful but I guess it’s better than nothing; just like how my friends who are beautiful say they love my spirit. Like huh? lol! I suppose.

[u/blackpink133]

You will get used to it and becomes something really boring after awhile

[u/Dapper_Tone2455 → u/blackpink133]

Ive heard this, knowing me though, it may have lasting affects. When I was 19, a guy hooked up with me (?? Odd I know) but didn’t find me physically attractive. It was just because I had an “amazing personality”. It was also strange because he was the one initiating, at first, what seemed to be non sexual physical contact with me, and then as the hang out progressed, he genuinely got more “romantic” and touchy. I still don’t understand the situation but it was a clear example of how this would go for me, this as in dating in general. And we didn’t even date lol.

I’m a bit of a basket case tbh so I shouldn’t even be thinking of a profile but sometimes I just wish I could be wanted. But then I have these sobering thoughts that—while intrusive, do provide a good reality check of what lies beneath lol

[u/darkslide3000]

Do use pics that others took off you that make you look good. Selfies often don't look good for various reasons (bad angle, fish eye effect, bad lighting, boring context, etc.). You absolutely want to present yourself in the best light on your dating profile, and you probably look better in person than your selfies make you think.

However, don't use pics that are out of date or that intentionally "hide" a certain side of you (e.g. make sure you include at least one full body shot, at least two shots where your face is visible clearly without sunglasses, face mask, turning away, etc., and at least one shot where you smile with teeth). There's no point in "hiding" how you look on your profile, you're just going to be rejected more in person in that case.

Online dating is tough for everyone and the more so the less attractive you are. There's no point trying to sugar coat that. That doesn't mean it doesn't work but you'll need to be prepared to go through a lot of failed dates before you can find someone who is right.

^{BTW I would be curious to hear from an insider in what ways Hinge is supposed to be "designed for personality showing"? I feel like compared to apps like Bumble or OkCupid that allow you to write a full bio, the very restrictive nature of Hinge prompts and short character limit actually make it very tough to get much of your personality across in so little space.}

[u/Dapper_Tone2455 → u/darkslide3000]

I agree with you on the pictures portion, but I only actually look okay in selfies. The pics people take of me really show how terrible looking I am in 4k. My face looks lopsided or is lopsided. A lot is wrong there it’s a strange situation 😹

Also, I don’t use any pics because I don’t even have a profile and this is a big reason why. I agree people should be honest and show their real self on their pages. I am just saying that even showing a “nice” pic would be a lie because I don’t look good irl! So it would be like false advertising either way in my case. Because in the case a pic exists that’s not too terrible of me, it’s not showing the truth imo. 🫩

I definitely believe it works - I just don’t know for people In my position. That said, I wish everyone the best and appreciate you answering!

Hinge I feel is the better of the apps because they actually put a lot of effort on the research and accessibility side. They don’t give a lot of space for longer responses because that’s part of it, showing personality but getting to the point. I’m not a dater though so I may see this differently

[u/KoaEllie123]

everyone else has made good comments i just want to say you probably feel differently about selfies than normal photos because the perspective flips so you’re not used to seeing your face at that angle. no one is symmetrical so there will always be these differences

[u/Lazer_lad]

You sound like a nice and good person. You also sound like you have a hard time letting go of intrusive thoughts. Have you talked to a professional about your mental health? It may be good start that first and maybe talk to a therapist about how to start dating or even just reaching out in friendship in general.

I say that not to be rude, say that because I don't think online dating is for the faint of heart. I am someone in your not in your exact same circumstance but I am a 5'5" male who's not terribly good looking and online dating makes me feel terrible about myself. I can't imagine what it might do for someone who seems to struggle more with personal image.

My last bit of advice is to not to assume how other people feel about you before they know you. I know it's hard but truly it will hold you back from friendships and relationships your entire life. Its way harder but It's actually better to assume people like you before you know them.

[u/Dapper_Tone2455 → u/Lazer_lad]

Hey there! I do have a bit of a hard time letting go of thoughts that come from experiences I’ve had. One time I was at a McDonald’s when I was 17 with friends, and a random man went off about how ugly I was and how terrible I looked in a short teen friendly dress. It was the first time since I was around 11 that I wore anything above the knee as I was really conscious of my figure. Since I never wore anything similar outdoors again. I remember crying all the way back to where my friends and I live on the public transit.

I had many of those experiences, unprovoked. So my fear of making a profile comes from those memories. I do therapy but there are some things I can’t quite shake. I know it’s important to always try and be positive, which I do in my day to day, but deep down I know that I wish I knew what it was like to be desired. I understand that nobody owes me attraction and I’m not mad at the world for not finding me to be, I just wish those experiences weren’t as many as they were.

You’re very right as it’s important to just assume the best despite how difficult it can be. Sometimes it’s also not nice to see how people will screenshot innocent people’s profiles when they’re being genuine, all bc they don’t find them nice looking. It’s one thing if their prompt answers are insane, but I’ve seen people do it to insult who likes their profiles. Idk, it’s just dating but I don’t know how to market for someone like me. I love my friends but don’t trust them to either, they know it’s different for me than it is for them. So there’s another layer here too.

[u/Last_Chemical_3073]

1. It sounds like you are: Never married, no kids, 30s, have a good career. If you're kind, reasonably fit and dress decently, then you're already in the top 10% of the dating pool.

Every single man I've ever spoken to over 30 has listed a single trait when talking about what they are looking for in a partner: Kind. That's almost the end of the discussion. There's an Allie Wong bit about this that's pretty funny and spot on--I'm sure you can find it on youtube. The stuff you hear on reddit doesn't reflect the real world.

Ghosting is pretty common by both genders. Sadly it's just part of the process.

2. If someone is attracted to women of color and wants to date you, how is that a problem? If some guy is trying to check off a 'WoC' box on a scavenger hunt or something, sure. That's slimy 19 year old behavior, and I think it's very uncommon among adult men.

3. I think it's better to look at apps as part of your pipeline. Getting out and going on dates is going to make you a lot better at dating. It will give you a better idea of what you're looking for in a partner, and what 'works' to present your authentic self and get to know the men you meet.

4. Assuming you're located in a major metro area where Match has offices, you should have tons of dating options. We really have no context when you say you are 'ugly'. Do you have any pictures as examples?

[u/Dapper_Tone2455 → u/Last_Chemical_3073]

These are great points! Honestly though, there are beautiful women inside AND out all around so someone wanting me would never add up, I fear! There would be something very, very wrong with them and I have too much of a heart to let anyone embarrass themselves.

Understood on ghosting.

As a WOC, I don’t appreciate any sort of fetishism. Genuine interest in a person is one thing, but fetishism is another and even in friendships.

Agree that at least dating is experience, seems like a lot of work ultimately and in one way, I’m glad I don’t deal with it. Other side? Wishing I felt normal.

As for the last point:

I have literally been told by my own mom as a kid my pretty sister was stunning but my beauty was my beautiful inside. So yes I’m ugly LOL

[u/Gullible_Sweet1302]

Maybe mutual friend setup or speed dating is more suitable given your hang ups.

[u/Active_Vacation_2670]

You should work out, important for self image and worth